Little Footprints

Everything and Nothing

2011-11-29T21:02:00.000-06:00

As usual, I don't have a lot to post. I have been so busy/stressed at work that my brain just crashes when I get home, and I am uninspired. Plus, I get too excited to spend time with my family...

Let's see...

I don't write about Maddie much anymore. This isn't because I don't think about her, not even a little... But for a few reasons. It sometimes feels like I am forcing her on a world where everyone but me has forgotten. I know that isn't true, but it kind of is. And it isn't healthy to think of only the sadness all of the time. It isn't fair to Maddie for that to be her ONLY legacy. So, that explains that.

Alice is amazing. I mean that in the literal sense of the word, she amazes me. She is so sweet and precocious and funny and weird. My goodness, is she weird. It makes me laugh every day how she has such goofy habits and specific likes. She is 16 months, and obsessed with books, dolls, and purses. Her favorite word to say is, "Baby," and she wants to stick her fingers in everyone's belly buttons.

JTD is on the day shift now after working second shift for almost two years! He does IT at the local hospital, and got promoted. We effectively used to be two single parents, butnpw we are a married couple! I love it!

That is all I can think of, however tedious it might be!

Sabbatical

2011-10-15T12:23:00.000-05:00

I have clearly taken a bit of a blogging sabbatical. I don't think it was intended; in that time, I even met one of my dear baby loss mama friends (Christy) and her daughter Avery. I just have been caught up in life.

It has amazed me how much Alice has helped my heart. It will never be fully healed, I will always think of Madeleine and miss her terribly... But my heart tries to protect itself now. I still have occasional breakdowns, but my mind won't let me go there often, it resists. I know that isn't healthy, and it makes it harder when I do fully mourn, but sometimes it seems the only way to go on without curling up into a ball. I don't want Alice to suffer because I am damaged. I am already so protective, and that isn't fair to her. I want to do them both justice.

Stillbirth Awareness Day

2011-09-06T19:30:00.001-05:00

I am not sure if I should laugh or cry that Stillbirth Awareness Day is the day after Labor Day, but it is today. Remembering Maddie and all of the other perfect gifts who left too soon.

Boobs

2011-08-30T21:56:00.000-05:00

When I was I-don't-remember-how-old-but-way-too-young, maybe fifth grade, I started needing a bra. Not, like, "That is probably smart whenever we get around to it," but more like, "Dang, that kid has some boobs!"

For the longest time, I was mortified of the twins. I made my mom buy me my bras, I crossed my arms over my chest, you know the drill. Anything a 5'2", 110 lb girl with a D cup would do in high school to keep them hidden.

As I got older, I started to get more used to them. I bought them nice, pretty bras, named them (Hall and Oates). On occasion, they would do things in return for me - get guys to buy me drinks, etc. I still kind of saw them as a nuisance that was hard to dress around, however.

It sometimes feels like the last 13.5 months of my life have centered around my chesticles. It is more accurate that it has had to do with Alice's need to regularly drain them of nourishment, but it would shock you how many times a day my breasts come into my brain.

Anyway. Nursing is still going strong, despite a record-breaking number of setbacks (that is its own blog). It is a lot like wrestling an angry badger sometimes, but I do love the closeness with my girl.

A Funk

2011-08-11T19:26:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to post much lately. I have been in a funk.

Alice's birthday went great, lots of friends came. The next week, she came down with croup. A few days later, a staph infection (about which I had tried to get her in, but they put us off for almost a week until it got bad), and then... Pickle broke her arm. I feel like a total failure, even though the orthopedist explained we couldn't have prevented it, and it is common for super-active babies. It is a buckle fracture, caused by falling. Which toddlers do. But my baby barely got to a year before we broke her! I know I couldn't do anything besides wrap her in bubble wrap... But I wanted to protect her from any pain ever. I pray daily that she has a long, healthy, happy life that is free from pain or want, and I wish she wasn't hurt.

I usually try and stuff my deep feelings about Maddie down where they don't hurt so much, but they have come out in great gasping sobs a few times lately. That sounds overdramatic, but it is the best description I have. I call them "bad Maddie days" - I remember her, love her, talk to her every day, but it is just hard, and the funk... It doesn't help.

What a grim post. Gah.

One year old!

2011-07-20T19:44:00.001-05:00

Today is the Pickle's birthday! I can't believe it has been a whole year since I nervously held her for the first time, listened to her cry.

I have been so blessed to be able to nurse her for a year, and still going - not everyone gets that chance. I am proud of our choice to never make her cry herself to sleep. I have adored safely bedsharing with her since she was about six weeks old, and a plethora of other things.

Mostly I am so proud of the independent, confident, charismatic wonder she is. I am certain our parenting choices have helped this, but I think she is just an amazing little person. She is so happy and laid-back, despite my worrying. She is truly a miracle in every sense of the word.

Happy 1st birthday, Alice! <3

Happy 2nd Birthday, Madeleine Rose

2011-07-07T07:36:00.000-05:00

Dearest Maddie, I wish I were holding you today instead of writing you a letter in Heaven. I wish so many things for you, but I am so grateful to have had the all-too-short time we had. I am so proud that you made me a mother, that you are Alice's big sister... And I am making sure she is proud of you, too. You are magical and special, and even getting pregnant with you was an IVF miracle from the start. You are everything I could have ever wanted and more.

Love always and forever, Mommy

Shadows

2011-07-05T19:17:00.000-05:00

Two years ago today was the day before I went into labor, the day before my heart broke, when I was still serenely happy. I spend these days chasing the shadows of what we were doing two years ago.

Goog.le Calendar just e-mailed me to remind me that Maddie's birthday on the 7th. How thoughtful, as if I could ever forget my firstborn, my first little angel.

Circles

2011-06-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I am walking around in circles with my grief. Shoot, I think I have even named a post this before.

Maddie's birthday is in a couple of weeks. It hurts so much to know it has been a whole additional year since I last got to hold her, to kiss her. I so desperately want to hold both of my girls. That sounds like such a simple statement, almost hollow in its simplicity... But I don't know how to say it in a way that imparts the desperation with which I feel it. I want the hands of a two-year-old, not an urn. I want to be thanking God as I watch her enjoy life, not for taking care of her. I want to have her and Alice play, not just to have to pray about her with her.

Always it is longer and longer since we last saw her. Alice's first birthday is also coming up two weeks after that - it is so hard being so torn in my emotions for two very different babies.

Sigh.

2011-06-02T19:50:00.000-05:00

I know I am getting old and impatient and unhip... And I largely don't care. I absolutely hate the phrase "FML.". I think I hate it because people use it so flippantly. "I slept through class, FML. I can't go to this concert, eff my life."

I don't wish on anyone for their lives to be destroyed, but I think it is obvious that the people whose lives have been "effed" are almost never the ones using this phrase. For most who read my blog, you feel the pain daily of it having been too long since you held your baby, and the worse pain of knowing it will only be longer and longer until the day you die. THAT is life-altering pain. Death and illness, tragedy and loss. I wish the people who were so flippant would gather some perspective and see how this affects others, those who try to dwell on the positives and grow from their pain.

That sounded preachy, and I didn't mean it to be. FML, I guess?

Loveliness

2011-05-17T21:31:00.001-05:00

I am unendingly amazed that we made this beautiful creature with thoughts and feelings and ENDLESS OPINIONS of her own. So beautiful.

"For this child I have prayed..." 1 Samuel 1:27

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22 months...

2011-05-09T21:59:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday marked 22 months since Maddie was born. I have thought of her so much lately, of those fleeting moments we had.

Part of me looks back on those few hours that I got to spend holding my baby, when I was still in shock and hadn't slept in almost 48 hours, when I wasn't truly able to take every second from the time that I wanted... and I think, "That was it? That's all I get?" I don't ever get another chance to hold her, to spend even more time with her. I don't get a do-over.

I cherish Alice in ways I can't speak with words. I try to parent her in the best way I can imagine, even when I fail... but I want that with Madeleine, too.

Of course there are the moments like her wedding, her graduation, all of those things that I wanted. But more than that, I want the small things. I want to put her hair in ponytails. I want to watch her little hand curl around mine in her sleep. I want to see her reach out for Mommy when she's sad, and to light up when she sees me come into the room. I treasure all of these things with Alice, but I want it all multiplied by two. I want, I want, I want.

I miss her.

Alice's 9-month photos

2011-05-05T19:38:00.000-05:00

The Pickle is growing like a weed. The last few weeks she's learned how to pull herself up onto things... everything, to be more exact.

Our friend C took her 9-month photos last weekend. Here are some highlights:

Duckface

My favorite:

9-month appointment

2011-04-25T19:52:00.000-05:00

The Pickle turned 9 months old last Wednesday (4/20), so we had her nine-month appointment on Friday.

The stats:
Height: 28 inches (73%)
Weight: 20 lb 2 oz (82%0
Head: 19 in (off the charts still)

Alice first had to get her hep B booster - she is such a little toughy. She never actually cried, just squawked for four seconds (this is not an exaggeration), and then was done. We then had to take her to the lab to get her finger pricked for her iron test - again, she never cried, never even fussed. She DID give the lab tech a look of, "What the heck are you doing THAT for?!" Other than that, she was a tough little bird!

She is slightly anemic, so they're putting her on some iron supplements for the next month. We go back on May 20 to see if it's gotten better. Other than that, it was a blessing to read the phrases "happy, healthy, developmentally normal 9-month-old."

The Drought

2011-04-11T19:32:00.000-05:00

I've been having a blogging drought lately.

As far as Alice goes, things are amazing and wonderful and she's perfect. Things obviously have their imperfections (like the reverse cycling she's doing right now), but I'm so amazed and blessed to have such a perfect baby. I sometimes just look at her and cry from her beauty.

I feel like I've already touched on all of my words for Maddie. It's just hard and it aches and it's dull, right on my heart. I can't change it, and I can't make it better. There's not much new or different to say - it just hurts, and it will forever. Sometimes I have insights into my own feelings, but they're just that. Sometimes it feels so weird to share them, it feels like I'm assuming they're important to others when they're just mine.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I know April is an awful time for a lot of my friends, and my heart goes out to them.

The Futility

2011-03-24T22:40:00.001-05:00

I so very, very often go over the time we got to spend with Maddie, as short as it was. When the grief and despair are at their worst (like right now), I sometimes think of the futility of singing to her, rocking her, kissing her. She was already gone, she never got to experience them. It is my firm belief she knows our love in Heaven, but those motions... those were for us. I so desperately wish I could have done something for her.

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Vampire Baby

2011-03-22T18:34:00.001-05:00

My OB (who I adore) got me in yesterday. He treated my bouts of mastitis, but he looked at the weird red streaking and said, "I have never seen that! Let me grab the determatologist."

She said it was either very atypical mastitis, or an infection from a human bite. I am on FOUR medications. Ick!

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The Nursing Saga

2011-03-21T08:15:00.001-05:00

When Maddie was born, my milk coming in (and then leaving) were incredibly emotional experiences. I so wanted to feed my baby with that, and it broke my heart when it went away, as if my body were forgetting her. Because of all of this, I knew without a doubt that I was going to be incredibly determined to breastfeed with Alice. I was going to start off with small goals (3 months, then 6 months, etc.), and try to attain each separately.

We started off incredibly rough. A lost over 10% of her body weight in the hospital, and they almost didn’t let us leave on the last day. My milk finally came in, and we were allowed to leave. All went well for a week or two, and then things went south. She was losing weight, my ni.pples were bloody and cracked, so they wanted us to supplement with formula. I got mastitis (103 degree fever and all), and my supply dropped a ton. I started seeing a lactation consultant, and we found that Alice’s tongue was too short and her palate too high – she wasn’t able to properly nurse. I started pumping almost exclusively but still nursing her on occasion, and we did that for several months. Due to my PCOS, the supply issues were very difficult to deal with, but I was able to fix them with a TON of work and dedication – she’s only probably ever had about ten bottles of formula. Around four months, she was big enough that we were able to switch to nursing while I was home, and things went well. I had one more bout of mastitis and about nine clogged ducts, a blood blister and one case of thrush, but it’s been much improved. I’ve been incredibly proud that The Pickle turned 8 months yesterday, and despite having just about every problem possible, we have battled through this to do what I felt was best for her.

Then she bit me.

To be accurate, she’s been biting for a while off and on, mostly when she’s ready to switch sides or is bored. This one on Saturday was awful, though. She just had the first bit of her first tooth poke through a week and a half ago, and so she bit me hard enough that I bled. And bled. I bled when she nursed. I bled when I pumped. Finally I got it to stop bleeding by Sunday morning, and have been putting Bacitra.cin and lanolin on it after every nursing session. However, during last night’s nursing sessions, the pain got a ton worse. It felt like I was getting stabbed – I have had radiation and several surgeries, but THIS was horrible. It kept me up a good portion of the night, and it’s incredibly sore all of the time – I found a little bit of white on it this morning. I have a call in to my OB/GYN, because I’m pretty sure that it’s infected.

I don’t, don’t, don’t want to wean her, but this is awful. Any words of advice? I’m just getting ready to clock in to work, but would appreciate any words of wisdom anyone may have! It was (and still is) my intention to nurse her until a year, and then to mix nursing with whole milk.

Very Superstitious

2011-03-04T15:48:00.002-06:00

I’ve always thought superstitions are largely silly. For the most part, I still do. JTD got a job at the hospital where Maddie was born, and I never thought twice about it. I wouldn’t hesitate to move houses or jobs just because they were what I was doing when Maddie was born – those things aren’t associated with her, they were just coincidences.

However… I do find myself avoiding certain stupid, inane things that I did in the hours and days preceding her birth. The weekend before she was born was the 4th of July, and so we’d gone shopping for her crib and nursery furniture. It was to be delivered the next week (which it still was, and is in the nursery still). We had been using that room for storage, so we had to get a bunch of junk out of there. My grandpa and dad came over on the day before I went into labor and helped JTD move stuff, and I lifted a few pillows and things. After we were all done, we went to a local place and got sodas. I can’t even drive by there now without having a fit of sadness.

On the day I went into labor (the 6th), I thought I just had the flu until the contractions really started coming. I had a fever, vomiting, and back pain, but didn’t know what it was. I stayed home from work, and was lying on the couch watching whatever was on TV. There were a couple of old sitcoms that were on when I started having contractions, and I won’t let anyone in our house even flip to them if I see them on.

While Alice and I frequently go to the hospital to visit Daddy, and the entire OB ward has been redone, I can’t even look in the room where she was born. This one makes a little more sense than the others, but it’s still just an irrational block in my brain.

I wonder if everyone has these weird things that they avoid and fear? I’m guessing that they’ll be there for forever – but in a way, it almost seems like they’re healthy. They’re fixed things upon which I can pin my fears and emotions.

Small Miracles

2011-02-18T17:43:00.001-06:00

Franchesca is an inspiration! Join the Small Miracles Blog Hop to share those small things that give you hope - we all need more of it!

On our bedroom dresser, we have an entire area dedicated just to Maddie. It has her picture and urn, all of the flower petals we were given for her, a statue, and several other things. It's a wonderfully special area, and it is a blessing for me to look at it each night as I'm going to sleep.

Alice and I often play upstairs on the bed when she wakes up. Ever since she was a newborn, I will always find her staring at Maddie's urn, gazing intently at it. My girls are fraternal twins, conceived from the same in-vitro cycle but transferred during two different frozen embryo transfers. This is a tiny thing, but it lets me know that my girls have a close bond that transcends even an earthly divide.

6-month photos

2011-02-15T12:55:00.000-06:00

She technically turns 7 months this coming Sunday, so I probably should have posted these a while ago. Regardless, my friend Chris took Alice's 6-month photos (he also did her amazing 3-month photos!).

Here are some of the raw files - I just love them!

You may notice a few things:

1. Alice only smiled in the last photo. This is because I took her to get her photos taken while she was tired. Lesson learned.

2. Like in her Christmas card photos (LINK), you may notice my daughter's nipples. Apparently I am comfortable posting them on the internet. This may get weird around the time she's 8 or so.

Judgment

2011-02-07T07:38:00.001-06:00

Judgment. We're all guilty of it about some things, but don't really think about it until we're the victims of it.

You see it even in the infertility and loss communities, in the mama communities. Those of us who have babies after our struggles with horrible infertility receive comments about how grateful we should be from those who haven't been blessed yet - thus diminishing our own struggles, trying to make us feel like we're no longer "in the pack." Same thing with those who have lost their babies and haven't yet had another - most baby-loss mamas are not judgmental, but there are times when the despair and jealousy can creep up inside of you, and you lash out.

"Regular" mamas receive this, too. Take the breastfeeding wars, for example. I was personally able to battle through incredible hardships with BFing, and am still going strong with no end in sight. Not everyone is that lucky - there are people who don't make milk, who don't have the resources to make it work. Of course it makes me a tiny bit sad when someone doesn't try, but that's not my place to judge - they have their own reasons, none of which I'm privy to. On the flip side, a woman receives judgment if she goes "too long" (as if there is such a thing). I plan on BFing as Alice's main source of nutrition until a year, and then beyond that as she wants (although I will likely have to either stop or pump-and-dump when we do the next FET, as Lup.ron isn't compatible with BFing).

Why do I bring this up? I was made to feel pretty awful this last weekend. A group of women who do "gentle parenting" made a large number of catty comments about anyone who has had anything other than a home/natural childbirth. This obviously is a very personal subject to me. First of all, I was never a great candidate for home birth - as we found during both of my cancer surgeries, and then again when I had Maddie, my blood pressure dips incredibly low when I lose much blood. It's not safe for me to be at home when this happens. Then, when we got pregnant with Alice, I chose the Shirodkar cerclage because it had better statistical results - since there is a permanent metal ribbon in my cervix, that is not a valid exit strategy for the baby, thereby necessitating a C-section. Their comments made me feel bad both about losing my baby, and for doing what I needed to do to make sure that Alice was safe - kind of hypocritical for a group that is about "respect," but I digress.

When it comes down to it, I shouldn't have even had to explain to anyone that my C-section was medically necessary. I have friends who opted to be induced (or even had elective C-sections) for personal or medical reasons. That does not make them less of a respectful mother - in fact, it brings the baby into the world at a time when the mother is the most prepared to welcome them in a peaceful and happy manner. That fosters a close relationship with the baby. I totally agree that natural is an ideal environment for those who are lucky enough to have that option, but there is NO authority on attachment parenting that requires it.

Enough about my personal diatribe - my point, now that I've eventually gotten there, is that it's just unfair and not right to try and judge someone without knowing their situation. And, as it's impossible to ever know all of another's situation... again, it's not right to judge them. Opinions are wonderful things, and we've all got them - but as I age, I realize that all of those concrete ideals I had when I was younger are tempered, that life is rarely black and white. Life happens, and we just have to adapt with the hands we're dealt.

Hush, Little Baby

2011-02-03T20:33:00.000-06:00

There are so many lullabies out there, and it's almost like they're all taunting those whose babies passed away by telling your baby to not say a word, to not cry.

Regardless of that, though, I've always related the song "Hush, Little Baby" to Maddie - for a bunch of different, personal reasons. As many know, the song has a bunch of lyrics like this:

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass."

All of the lyrics have the mother trying to make a bad situation better for her child. (Granted, she's only doing it by buying stuff, which is illogical, but that's not germane to my point.) It sometimes hits home how much I ache to do things to make this situation better for Madeleine, something that I never can do. I would do anything, give anything to make this okay, to bring her back.

Grateful

2011-01-25T22:43:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I do not mention this for recognition; I am well past the point of these being a big deal. However, I did receive the best birthday gift.

Alice's 6-mo checkup was Friday. Weight was 18 lbs (86%), height was 26.5 in (75% - ?!?), and head circumference was 18 in - off the charts. Since it was big enough to qualify as a condition called macrocephaly, they figured it was worth checking preventatively (she is developing on schedule, so it is asymptomatic).

They measured our heads to confirm genetics, and made an appt for an ultrasound for yesterday. They wanted to do an u/s because she still has a decent-sized soft spot - if they waited, it would have required a CT scan.

Well, the scan went great! Just genetics! We will keep an eye out to make sure growth levels out, but she is fine. She did NOT, however, enjoy the scan. She wanted to be moving, and let us know it! The tech also kept talking about how she had never scanned a baby with so mug hair.

As an APer, my big problem was trying to comfort her when she was so upset. I could not nurse, so I brought a bottle I had pumped. This helped for a short while, as did singing, but nothing worked great. Both JTD and I just held and comforted her to the best of our abilities, and hugged her when we could!

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Blah Ble Blah Blah

2011-01-17T20:48:00.000-06:00

I probably should just leave the blog title spot blank if I can't think of anything...

Miss Alice turns 6 months on Thursday! My little girl isn't so little anymore! She's doing so well - the only thing we're a little behind on is sitting up. She can tripod like a champ, but isn't really sitting up-up yet. We can't get her to stop rolling even when we need her to, though, and she keeps making motions like she wants to crawl.

Her appointment is on Friday - at that time, we're going to start feeding solids. I think we're going to do a combination of baby-led weaning (where she gums off of foods and feeds herself) and purees. I am shocking everyone I know because I've decided that I'm going to make the baby food myself. In their defense, I can just barely make mac and cheese. I've been making all of her meals with my chest for the last six months, and know what went into each of them... I feel like I should keep it up. I am remarkably lazy after I get home from work, though, so we'll see how this goes.

I try to talk to Alice pretty constantly about Maddie, but I'm so curious how to go about that as she goes older. I really think I want to make up a little story for her, but I'm not sure how to do it.

Goodbye, 2010...

2011-01-06T19:56:00.000-06:00

I joked recently that 2010 was the year spent mostly on my couch (which is true - the one-year anniversary of my cerclage and beginning of bedrest is coming up in 12 days!). It was so very much more, though. 2009 was the saddest year of my life, and 2010 was the happiest. I am so immeasurably blessed, and it just fills my heart.

I keep watching my itty bitty baby get bigger and bigger, and my heart swells. I am so proud of that smiling face, the light in her eyes when she sees her daddy or I. I never imagined being this blessed.

I also find myself still hurting. I think daily of what it would be like if Maddie were here, too, if we had both of them. I try to imagine if she'd be a chunky little cherub like Alice, or if she'd still be lithe and lean. I wonder if her hair would be dark, or if it would be blonde. I wish I could feel her holding my hand, and seeing her hug Alice. I also have so much anxiety over Alice - it isn't helped by watching a lot of SVU lately at night while A is asleep, but I am so worried about someone hurting her. I am so afraid of the things I can't control in her life - and I know it's because of the total lack of control I had with Maddie.

Argh - anyway. Here are some pictures of my beautiful girl - we don't have any New Year's Day ones, because our household all got the flu last weekend. Happiest of new year's to all of my dear friends!

What's in a name?

2010-12-22T20:44:00.000-06:00

I first off wanted to thank Jill from Footprints on our Hearts (LINK) for the wonderful, beautiful, absolutely perfect keychain that I was lucky enough to win for the 25 Days giveaway! You're amazing, Jill, and I am just so grateful! I got a picture of it on my keychain, but it wasn't blog-worthy in quality.

--------------------------

I've been getting lots of the "Is Alice your first child?" questions lately. Every single time, my heart says, "No" - but I sometimes struggle with my answers aloud. I usually try to say, "She has an older sister in Heaven," but there are admittedly times when I just don't have the strength to get into that. It hurts to explain, and it hurts to not explain. There is truly no right answer.

It would help if there were a way we could easily identify ourselves. It's easy enough to explain my fertility issues - "I'm a PCOS-er," or "I had to do IVF" (whatever acronym they may understand). There really isn't a quick way to explain being a mother of a child who has passed on, however.

The common one we've adopted is "baby loss mamas" - but something about that one bothers me a little bit. To be precise, it's the word "loss" - I didn't misplace Maddie. It wasn't thoughtlessness or anything I could have controlled that took her away from me. I know precisely where she is at all times. It's a well-meaning term, but a little laden with blame.

Slightly better is "orphaned parents," but that one just confuses people. "So, you're a parent, but your parents died?" Not easy to explain.

Is there a better term of which I'm just not aware? When it comes down to it... does it really matter what I call myself? No matter what you call it, I still can't hold my daughter, and it hurts even if I don't have a name for the emotion.

I hope the holidays are a time of healing and love for all, and brings them closeness with those they've lost.

Giveaway Winner....

2010-12-17T07:41:00.000-06:00

I first off wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful comments on the giveaway! This meant a lot to me - I was a little worried that it wouldn't be an idea people liked.

On to the fun stuff! I used our friendly generator at random.org, and the winner is... Cheryllookingforward! Cheryl is a wonderful lady - her Baby November and Maddie would have been due around the same time.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your wonderful comments!

25 Days of Giveaways - Day 16

2010-12-16T00:02:00.001-06:00

I am so grateful to Tina for letting me participate in the 25 Days of Giveaways!

After Maddie passed away two summers ago, I took a step back to reexamine everything in my life and see how I could do it better. One of the things that made me think was how my family celebrated Christmas - we all usually got each other gift cards to buy things we didn't really need, or maybe even want. While we all appreciated and loved the gifts and each other, it wasn't really what I would call productive. So, last Christmas, I proposed the idea instead of giving to a charity of our choice, and then sharing on Christmas Day to where we donated, and why. This idea was received so well that we're doing it again this year.

My donation both years has been to the March of Dimes. I know it's not a traditional giveaway, but I would like to do the same for the winner of this giveaway. Please leave your blog link and your angel baby's name in the comments below, and I will donate to March of Dimes in your baby/babies' name if you win. If you are a frequent reader/subscriber, please leave a second note reminding me of this to double your chances. Comments can be submitted until midnight Pacific time.

I will post the winner here tomorrow, and will also try to leave a comment on your blog informing you that you won.

Happy holidays!

Eventful

2010-12-14T07:52:00.000-06:00

It was an eventful weekend/Monday! Here's the gist of it:

Saturday - Alice's first blizzard. Super-excited to get that milestone out of the way. We had intentions of going to see Santa in the "big" city nearby, but the roads weren't allowing for that... so we went to the local one. It was okay - Alice has been having stranger anxiety lately, and so luckily she didn't see him when we put her on his lap. She did, however, grab a handful of beard hair first thing, so she was clearly his favorite child. The picture wasn't really good enough to be scanned, so it's just going in the baby book.

We got home, and she hit a couple of major milestones! She tripod-sat for the first time unassisted (go, baby girl!), and then this started happening (forgive her sleep-sack-and-Babylegs look, and my pajama pants): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Klj-gSj1NdE

Is it weird that I am honestly more excited/proud about her doing this than I am about almost anything I've ever achieved in my whole life?

Sunday - I woke up several times through the night with some pain in my lower right abdomen. Hunh.

Monday - Pain continued, so I went to the doctor. My blood tests showed that my white blood cell counts were pretty elevated, so he got a CT scan. It came back normal, but he's still worried about the cell counts (I might still be at the beginning of appendicitis), so I go back today.

While I was at home waiting for the results, Alice started getting sick. Lots of pooping, fever, etc. Her fever finally broke at about 4:00 a.m. this morning, but we were thisclose the whole time to meeting the pediatrician's requirements to go to the ER. It was a long night, but we're doing better today!

I'm hoping that 2011 is drama-free. :)

Pretty, pretty, pretty

2010-12-08T08:14:00.000-06:00

Thank you so much to Franchesca for my gorgeous new blog look! Here is a LINK to where you can purchase her services - even though I was on a waiting list, her turnaround time was so fast, and she was absolutely amazing!

She did SUCH an amazing job with incorporating Maddie's footprints into my header... and my new blog button! If you'd like to link to me, she has a button right over here somewhere:

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4-month Appointment Fun

2010-12-06T07:57:00.000-06:00

Alice's 4-month appointment went awesome. She was 24.5 inches long (37th percentile), 15 lb 8 oz (79th percentile), and had a head circumference of 17.5 inches (99th percentile!). I joked to JTD that we have the cutest Bobble.head on Earth.

She did great with the shots, though - she only cried for about ten to fifteen seconds, and was then fine. She ran a low-grade temp all weekend, but I think it's better. She giggled when the doctor was checking her hip joints, like, "What is this dude doing?"

Update on baby Isaac Liam - thank you for all of the prayers for my nephew. He's doing great - he's not eating very quickly/efficiently, but they took him off of the CPAP yesterday because he's breathing so well. He was moved to an incubator, so they can control his environment more. We went down and saw him on Saturday night after he was born, and he was grasping my finger - it's amazing how strong he is already.

prayers, please

2010-12-04T15:01:00.001-06:00

Please keep a very special baby in your prayers. After a totally uneventful pregnancy, my brother's wife just delivered their baby boy, Isaac, at 32 weeks. He is doing great, but could use prayers.

I guess our family can't have a normal pregnancy...

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Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T18:07:00.000-06:00

It's amazing what a difference a year makes. At this time last year, we'd just performed our FET and were barely-barely-barely pregnant with Miss Alice. We'd just passed Maddie's due date (November 14), and were trying to reconcile the two. Today, our wonderful little family is at home, snuggled together in love and happiness.

I know this sounds weird, but it's days like today that I'm so glad that we had Maddie cremated. She is with us today, she's a part of our holiday. As I do every day, I can look at her and talk to her, cry over her. I can hold her close to me, and feel her weight. I am so grateful for that, and for her touching our lives still every single day.

Well, that's certainly a cheerful thought... Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope that your holidays are filled with family and love, remembrance and hope.

Our Angel

2010-11-21T11:26:00.000-06:00

So, I bought some angel wings for Alice on Etsy. I had originally planned using them at her 1-year portraits, but then realized they'd be great for Christmas cards. I tried taking the photos on my own, but that didn't go so well. Since there was such a time crunch, I walked into a local studio... Follow the link below for the results.

Please try and tell me this isn't the cutest baby on Earth. :)

http://www.myonlineportraits.com/ViewSharedAlbum.aspx?ShareID=e0fbf15b-7778-491d-9ab4-f8680db591e9

Happy 4-month birthday yesterday, baby girl!

All of this fuss over some crying

2010-11-17T16:03:00.000-06:00

I made the mistake of joking on Facebook a week or so ago that A was being a butthole at bedtime. Apparently, that comment opened the floodgates for everyone and their dog to give me advice on how to get her to sleep better. The most common thing that I’ve heard is “just let her cry it out,” “she’ll eventually cry it out.”

I don’t judge anyone who uses the CIO method; it has worked for hundreds of thousands of households, but it will not be used in ours. I have a lot of different reasons behind this.

First of all, what is “it” that she’s crying out? As far as I can tell, “it” is her trust that we’ll be there for her when she needs us. I really don’t want her crying that in particular out. We went to the most drastic methods possible to even get pregnant with her, and incredibly drastic methods to stay pregnant, so I’m certainly not going to just decide to change now. If I had wanted convenience, I wouldn’t have had a child.

So, I hear different responses. “Oh, that’s right, you do Attachment Parenting.” [Insert eye roll or similar here.] Yes, I do, but this actually doesn’t have to do with being AP (although there is little besides spanking that is more opposed to this style of parenting). “Oh, you’re just overcompensating for losing Maddie.” While losing Maddie certainly strengthened my resolve, I was against CIO for our household before then.

If I want to put this in simplest terms, look at our beliefs in how humanity was formed. If you’re Christian – I find it hard to believe that Jesus would ever leave a baby unattended to sob him or herself to sleep. If you believe in evolution – our species certainly wouldn’t have progressed very far if a small child were left in another room of a cave to cry, alerting all predators to its whereabouts. Cortisol levels in the brain raise when a child is left to cry, which can lead to long-term damage. None of these things lead me to believe that CIO is right for my child.

In the end, it’s just not up for discussion. My husband and I are on the same page, and I have informed my daycare provider and everyone else who may take care of her long-term of my desires. That’s kind of the end of the story. I appreciate and understand that sometimes people are trying to help, but the ones who are judging me… they can suck it. :-)

Perspectives

2010-11-07T17:27:00.001-06:00

I try to be a positive person, but I'm also a worrier... which makes for an interesting mix. However, so much of life is just in perspective.

I could absolutely focus on the negative things in my past. My biological dad revealed himself to be abusive and addicted to drugs after he married my mom. He was later in a fire, and sustained some serious brain damage as part of it (he is in a group program now). I had cancer twice (once as a child, and once at age 22), and eating issues after each bout (not the greatest combination with radiation). My mother and I are estranged. I had severe fertility issues, which led to us needing IVF to conceive... at which time the unthinkable happened, and I lost my precious baby girl. I could let these things and others define me, and could wallow in them.

However, I know that there are many, many others who have had much harder lives than I have. God gave me an amazing husband who loves me. I have a wonderful home, and am always safe and fed. My stepfather is one of the most supportive people on Earth. I have a job at which I am very good, I have friends who mean the world to me. I have the most amazing, beautiful daughter on Earth sleeping in my arms, and another waiting for me in Heaven. I have love and hope. Not too shabby, hunh?

One Year Ago Today...

2010-11-05T07:48:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, this happened:

A beautiful little Alice embryo was implanted! She burrowed in nice and tight, and changed our lives for forever.

Happy thaw-and-transfer day, Allie Kat!

Ew

2010-11-01T15:18:00.001-05:00

My company VP just walked in on me pumping. Awesome.

That is all.

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2010-10-25T17:09:00.001-05:00

You know that kid with the drool? That is my daughter. She loves blowing raspberries - see shirt above.

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2010-10-22T22:45:00.001-05:00

Alice was lying in my arms just now sleeping. As I watched her beautiful face, I began to cry harder and harder. I am so overwhelmed by my love for her, and so deeply missing Maddie. I have been blessed beyond measure with both of my girls - but the injustice of losing Maddie hit me fresh. I asked myself "why" with the same vehemence that I did in the early days - it isn't fair to JTD or I, certainly, but it isn't fair to her. She deserved to laugh, to cry, to love.

I miss you, Maddie. I hope you can feel how very loved you are always. I am so, so sorry.

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Almost 3 months old

2010-10-17T18:56:00.001-05:00

Our little Alice Katherine (also known as "Allie Kat") turns 3 months old this coming Wednesday! My friend who runs Photography 139 took her photos today, and they're amazing. I don't have any ability or talent to retouch them, but here's a couple of the raw photos:

And here's a video of Alice snoring from last night:

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2010-10-15T20:31:00.000-05:00

I am just remembering my beautiful little Madeleine today, as well as my wee one from so long ago. Also remembering the beautiful little babies of all of the beautiful women I've met online. Love to all.

Parenting Style

2010-10-11T20:22:00.000-05:00

Cheryl posted today about her parenting philosophy, and I really liked the idea. Hence, I'm stealing it (sorry, Cheryl!).

I am a huge fan of Attachment Parenting, because it is just a natural extension of how I parent already. All of it makes sense to me. However, I don't just do something "because Dr. Sears said so."

I breastfeed, but I breastfeed how I can due to anatomy (mine and hers). I nurse Alice for as long as I can, then pump while JTD gives her whatever I pumped at the last feeding. There's a necessity every once in a while to supplement with formula, but that equates to maybe 4 oz. of formula per week. Maybe.

We co-sleep, and I'm proud of it. First of all, if you do it safely, it reduces the risk of SIDS (link). Secondly, it has totally changed the way Alice sleeps. She was getting up every 45 minutes or so for the first 5 weeks of her life. I started co-sleeping with her, and she can now go 4 - 7 hours at a time. She's amazing, and I love the closeness, since I don't get to be at home with her during the day.

I unfortunately have to work, even though I wish I could stay at home. We only have to take her to 12 hours of daycare each week - I work 7 - 4 on Monday - Friday, and JTD works 2 p.m. - 10 p.m. Monday - Thursday, has Friday off, and works Saturday morning. We don't get to see each other much, but it is best for her. We rarely go anywhere without her, so that means our social lives have changed greatly.

I respect others' choice to do so, but I refuse to let A "cry it out" in any form. I can't imagine being able to do so - my heart aches and I start crying, too, when I can't help her to stop crying. I want her every moment to be joyful, and want her to trust me. We do everything on-demand, and just let her tell us her needs.

We are vaccinating on schedule, and we also use disposable diapers. I wish we had the time or stomach to use cloth, but we don't.

We baby-wear when possible. I had a Hotsling, but it never really worked that well for us. I got a Beco Butterfly (much like an Ergo, but even higher rated) - I love it, and so does she.

Love

2010-10-07T18:03:00.001-05:00

I love when Alice smiles at me with complete, reckless, gummy abandon.

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Pityriasis Rosea

2010-10-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

So, I have a fairly long history of having weird, often rare medical stuff happen to me.

I was only the 16th child ever to have my type of cancer - not very many adults get it, but it's incredibly rare in children.

Very few people do IVF, but less than 1% of those who do get severe OHSS. I got it bad enough that I had to be drained, and our fresh transfer had to be postponed. Less than 1% of the population has cervical incompetence, and even fewer of those lose their babies.

I have an allergy to morphine, and have a really rare reaction where I get little red pinprick dots all over my body.

Due to my fairly weird history, I didn't think a whole lot when I developed a couple of red spots on my stomach and chest last week. Fast forward a few days, and my torso looks like this (don't mock, I just had a baby - I'm not going to look great):

The chest is even worse, and it was now spreading to my back. The odd thing was that it didn't really itch besides when I got out of the shower. Since it was getting progressively worse, however, I decided to finally cowboy up and go to the doctor.

I have a condition called pityriasis rosea. The good news is that it's not contagious (which is good, since Alice and JTD haven't caught it), and that I don't need any medicine to treat it (which is great, since I don't want to pump-and-dump anything). The bad news about it working itself out of my system on its own is that it hangs around for 6 - 8 weeks. So, I'm going to look like a leper for about another two months. I guess that kills wearing a strapless dress to the ball we're planning to attend in November...

General Crankiness

2010-10-01T16:42:00.001-05:00

I find that, since going back to work and getting so much less time to spend with Alice, that I'm a lot more surly. I don't like it, and it's not pretty - I'm usually "that really nice girl," but I keep finding myself being impatient. I'm usually pretty good about not saying what I'm thinking out loud, but I sure have a lot less time for people's crap now:

- To the family member who keeps making not-so-kind comments about our loss of Maddie: First of all, I didn't "loose" my baby. It's "lose," one o. She's not a knot that needs tightened - I guess my cervix was too "loose," but that's really not the point. More importantly, and why I'm actually upset, it's Madeleine, and her nickname is Maddie. We chose the traditional French spelling of Madeleine because JTD has French roots in his heritage, and we thought that this spelling of the nickname looked less like she was angry than "Maddy." If I have written her name and spelled it correctly in the same e-mail chain, please at least take the time to read and copy/paste when you type it. Or, if you're reading this blog and want to comment, please at least take the time to read the spellings I have ALL OVER THE PAGE. If you want to make jabs at me, that's fine, but don't disrespect my daughter.

- To the guy friend who keeps complaining every fifteen seconds about his 7-week old not sleeping: I get it. Not sleeping sucks. First of all, if you're going to ask for advice, you should probably pretend to take it, rather than arguing with everyone who tries to help... or just don't ask. Secondly, the updates EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (usually multiple times) via Facebook are getting old. You know how I know that you're making them at 3 a.m.? Because I'm also up. Big deal, we have babies, that's what they do. We're blessed to be changing blown-out, poopy diapers instead of sleeping, because these babies are miracles. Suck it up.

- I am breastfeeding how I am going to be able to bf. This means largely pumping, due to issues that don't get Alice enough food if we just nurse. I am comfortable with this - so you either can be, or not tell me about it.

These are just a couple of the rants that go on in my head at all times - I feel awful that I've got so many of them, but I just hate being away from her so much.

Our Birth Story

2010-09-20T14:21:00.000-05:00

I guess I've neglected posting Alice's birth story, so I probably can do it today, on her two-month birthday. By the way - 2-mo vaccines suck, I cried almost as much as she did. But baby girl was 11 lb 3 oz (60th percentile), 22.5 inches long (60th percentile), and head circumference was 16.5 inches (95th percentile - atta girl).

On the morning of July 20, 2010, we got up around 3:30 a.m. and to the hospital by about 4:45 a.m. I was the first and only C-section of the day, scheduled for 7:30. We got there and they started prepping me - the nurse who checked me in was the nurse who helped deliver Maddie. We got me changed, the catheter placed (we had some problems with that throughout the entire time it was in place), and they shaved me (I wasn't super-pleased that they hadn't told me this needed to be done ahead of time, as I would have done it myself). I was in the OR by 7:20.

I had to go in the OR by myself to receive the spinal - JTD had Maddie in his scrubs' pocket, and could watch through the window. I had just had one for my cerclage, so I wasn't nervous - but I started shaking at the thought that our little girl would be arriving within moments. JTD and my fantastic OB came in, as well as his nurse and two other nurses (one of whom was also my nurse with Maddie - this was a recurring theme throughout the stay). They put me on the table that was shaped like a cross - I had the IV on one arm, and the one nearest JTD was free. They started the anesthesia - JTD, who works in IT in the hospital, had to help the anesthesiologist with his computer while we were waiting. My OB, who has a wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor, started talking about a documentary he'd seen recently about corn. (This didn't take me much by surprised, my anesthesiologist during my cerclage talked about venison.) Since I knew that I'd start freaking out if I didn't participate, I talked with him. I looked over at JTD from time to time... he didn't seem to be doing well. He admitted later that he was about ready to pass out, and had no clue how I was nonchalantly discussing corn. We each had our ways of preparing for the arrival!

The doctor asked if I was ready, and JTD saw them pulling her out of me. Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, so she was very purple - they got that off of her, and gave her a couple of seconds, and then she started crying and pinking up. I wasn't supposed to touch her, but I got a quick little feel in before she and JTD went to the nursery.

They went about sewing me up - at one point I asked if they could see more endometriosis. He said he could only see a tiny bit, but then looked at the underside of my ovaries and said that there was something there. I explained that my RE had done ovarian drilling, so that was what that was. They got me into recovery, and I waited for Alice and JTD to arrive. He rolled her in, and my heart melted to see the two of them. We got to nurse right away, but her temp went a little low, so they had to take her back to the NICU to put her under warmers. The nurse who cared for us post-op was the nurse who cried with me when she had to take Maddie from me for the last time - this same nurse (along with another who treated us that time, as well as a third) fought several times over the course of my stay to care for us. They all remembered our girl, and were so happy for our new arrival.

My C-section recovery really wasn't bad at all. Considering she arrived with a 15-inch head, I think I likely would have gone to a C-section even without the cerclage in place. Not much pain except when I overdid it! Maybe it was just helped by seeing my beautiful little girl.

Going back to work

2010-09-13T20:22:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Alice's 8-week birthday. Unfortunately, that also means that it's the day I return to work. I have spent all day crying and panicking, rotating between trying to think how I can stay at home (I just can't), and how I can get more time with her.

We really have an amazing situation - my husband works from 2 - 10 p.m. on Monday-Thursday (Friday off, then he works 6 - 2 on Saturdays), and I used to work 8 - 5. I adjusted my hours to 7 - 4, so we only have to have day care from 1:30 - 4:30 - JTD will take care of her in the mornings before he works, and then I will later. One of my very best friends will be watching her, and that's a blessing. I just can't get over the fact that it's not me, though. I am the only one who knows every single thing about her, who knows her sounds and looks. I just keep thinking about Maddie, and how I would have done anything to protect her, and how I couldn't - I want to do better for Alice. It makes me realize how very broken I still am, how there are still times when I want to crawl into bed and cry for hours for my daughter who's gone, and for the things from which I won't be able to protect my second daughter.

I don't want to go back at all - anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

My girls

2010-09-09T12:55:00.000-05:00

It is my wish that my daughters be as close as possible, despite the circumstances. JTD carried Maddie's urn in his pocket during my C-section, and she stayed at the hospital with us the whole time. It warms my heart to see Alice look up to where Maddie sits when she sits in her Boppy.

My girls

I just have to add one more cute picture:

She sure does...

Milestones

2010-09-01T20:17:00.000-05:00

Tiny milestones!

201 - Number of blog posts
5 - Number of years JTD and I will have been married on Friday
6 weeks 2 days - Number of days old my baby girl is
Millions - Number of smiles she's given me today (she's SO happy!)
9 lbs. 14 oz. - Size Alice was yesterday when weighed.

Let's see... what else.

- I've been researching Attachment Parenting a ton. It is a philosophy to which I naturally subscribe, so it works great - I also have a couple of friends who are subscribers, so it's been great to get insight. I could never let my poor baby "cry it out" - I think my heart would break. :( I understand those who do, I just can't.

- I went to a Breastfeeding Fair at the hospital where JTD works yesterday. I will try and get a picture of Alice in her "I Love Breastmilk" onesie they gave out sometime soon and post it.

- I have ordered a Beco Butterfly 2 carrier, and can't wait for it to get here. I have a Hotsling, but it just doesn't work the greatest. I have technical difficulties with the Moby wrap a friend loaned me, apparently, as well.

- Try and resist this face. I dare you. (Poor quality of picture from the camera phone, but she's still relentlessly adorable.)

Is it wrong that I compare other babies to her, and just think she is the loveliest thing on Earth?

Random Mommy Observations

2010-08-24T13:33:00.000-05:00

- I didn't know that little girls could pee in a direction, and I am convinced that "pooping for distance" is a sport at which she would excel. That reminds me, I need to get the bedroom curtains dry-cleaned.

- Sometimes, particularly in the middle of the night, I become convinced that the breast pump is talking to me. The fast cycle before letdown usually says "Krabby Patty," while the slower cycle mixes it up. "Rat meat" gets said a lot, as does "manatee." Today it was being racist, so I am too ashamed to share it.

- I secretly love that she wants me more than anyone else. Not even so secret - I just love it.

- I am ferociously protective of A. I require full hand sanitization before anyone touches her, and refuse to let some people near her at all (particularly a guy at work). I am really nervous to take her to daycare, because I don't want other kids touching her.

- I love her so much, but was unprepared for how much more I miss Maddie even than before. I knew this wouldn't make Maddie passing away okay, but I am grateful to a friend for warning me that this would be incredibly hard.

Thank you!

2010-08-22T16:53:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the support on my last post about breastfeeding!

After I posted, we went to the lactation consultant. Basically, I got a ton of milk in initially (which was great) - so much that Alice never really needed to suckle at the sinuses to get some, so they started shutting down to slow down production. When she needed to start doing that, my sinuses are too deep for her - she has a high palate and a short tongue, which makes nursing tough for her until her mouth grows (it's also why we have horrible latch problems sometimes). So, right now we're continuing with pumping and trying to nurse when possible. I've been able to almost entirely cover her feeding with expressed milk, only using the formula about once or twice a day to supplement an extra ounce or so. I'm doing the Reg.lan again, pumping super-often, and we're trying to get her nursing whenever possible. At the advice of a friend, I ordered some Fenu.greek, and will be trying that to also boost supply. I want to be able to get back to nursing whenever possible, and pumping to evacuate the supply, but we'll see how it goes.

My little girl is just amazing. She's so sweet and cute. She doesn't have a great schedule yet (wants to eat every 2 hours), but we're working on it. I can't begrudge this little face.

On the Horns of a Dilemma

2010-08-12T20:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I've been trying to spend every minute I can with Alice.

Right now I'm on the horns of a dilemma. For two weeks, nursing was going amazing. She was gaining weight like a champ, I had plenty of milk, etc. Unfortunately, nobody had told me that I needed to pump out whatever she wasn't eating... so, I developed a horrible case of mastitis last weekend. Chills, fever of 102, aches, redness, swelling, etc. I had to make several trips to Urgent Care, but saw my OB on Monday - he put me on a new drug, and also on something to try and increase my milk production. This is necessary because Alice went from 8 lbs on Friday (before mastitis set in) to 7 lbs 12.5 oz on Monday (after it was in swing). Her pediatrician started us supplementing with formula.

The Reg.lan alone isn't working to increase production, so we're doing the Lactation Consultant Services thing at the hospital. She has me feeding Alice on the non-affected breast every two to three hours. Then, I need to pump the right breast (at least through tomorrow). Then, I have to supplement her with either formula or expressed milk. On a schedule of every two to three hours, this process takes up at least an hour (especially when you throw in cleaning pump parts and bottles, etc.).

I so want to breastfeed. I want to go back to how I was last week when I had plenty of milk, and could just nurse my baby and go. I want to have that closeness with her looking in my eyes, and me singing to her as she eats. Right now, it doesn't feel like the process we're doing is working, and I'm not a very patient person. I am just at a loss as to what to do - I want to give my baby the best, but I am working on absolutely no sleep, and am just frazzled. I don't want to go to formula, but what is the best solution? Do I just keep doing this short-term, and try and figure it out?

That was horrible - I hope it doesn't sound at all like I'm not 100% grateful for her. I just want to do the best for this little miracle - I love to hold her and spend time with her, and this all is cutting into that. (And I only have four more weeks of maternity leave left.) I just want to do what is best for this little girl who is so wanted and loved, and to be able to give her as much of my attention and affection as I can. Any advice from anyone would be awesome.

Forever

2010-08-05T14:36:00.001-05:00

I can see forever in these eyes.

Worrying Constantly

2010-08-01T11:20:00.001-05:00

As JTD put it recently, we were so focused on getting through a very high-risk pregnancy day by day that the enormity of having a child didn't fully hit us at first! It's amazing how all of that worry I've had every moment for the past nine months transfers immediately to this little bundle of perfection.

There were a couple of worries in the hospital - one smaller, and one pretty big. When she was born, her cord had been wrapped around her neck once. It turned out she was fine, but it was obviously a concern. The much bigger concern came later in the week - we were scheduled to leave the hospital Friday during the day. Thursday night around 11, Alice nursed really well - since she'd been nearing dropping 10% of her birth weight, this was good. Since JTD wasn't able to stay at the hospital with me and I was post C-section, they took her back to the nursery (even though we wanted to room-in). They brought her back around 1:15 or so, and we started nursing - she only ate about 3 minutes, and then fell asleep. They said not to worry, and brought her back around 3:30 - only ate about 5 minutes, then fell asleep. Same thing at 6 a.m. I was freaking out by this time - they weighed her, and she'd officially dropped more than 10% of her birth weight. They offered to try supplementing her with formula - I didn't want to, but was willing to do whatever to get her to eat. Unfortunately, she would have none of the formula, and started sleeping so deep that we could barely rouse her. I sat and cried, begging God not to let this baby die. The pediatrician came in the morning, and discussed maybe keeping her an extra night. Luckily, we got a GREAT feed in that afternoon, and were allowed to come home, where our biggest nursing problem since has just been that she's very picky about latch.

My newest concern is her umbilical cord - there's a tiny amount of blood around the cord at times that looks like it's just from getting bumped. Excessive Googling tells me that this happens sometimes (which is also what the pediatrician's office said last Friday), but I just want her to be okay. I fear that I'm going to be too overprotective of her, but just want to spend every moment making sure she's okay.

As proof that my little girl is perfect, here's some video of her from this morning:

9 days old

2010-07-29T19:30:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to comment on a ton of blogs lately, but I am thinking of and reading about everyone. (It's just hard to type when you can't bring yourself to put down your little angel!)

Not a ton new going on, just trying to get some sleep here and there, and enjoying every second of Alice. Here are some more photos:

Our miracle

2010-07-22T10:56:00.000-05:00

Alice Katherine D is here! :) Born 7/20/10 at 7:47 a.m., she was 7 lbs. 10 oz., 19 inches long, and had a 15-inch head! She somehow had a full head of dark hair, even though JTD and I both had blonde hair!

Our little girl came complete with such features as a full head of dark hair, my nose, her daddy's chin and cheeks, and lovely long fingers!

I apologize for not updating sooner - still in the hospital through tomorrow, and my phone won't update Blogger!

38 weeks 4 days - Variosity

2010-07-14T21:09:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure I just made up the word "variosity." Anyway.

Lots of little stuff over the last few days. First was last week, my husband (who does IT at the hospital where we will be having the baby) was helping one of the department heads of the L&D department helping her. She was thanking him for his help, and telling him that she owed him one. He joked that she could hook his wife up with a good room, and she responded, "I can do that - who is she?" JTD explained that he was just joking, but she insisted - so, she put it on my admission paperwork that I get the best room in the place (which is already filled with good rooms, since they just redid the whole floor last fall). Hooray for getting the pimped-out room!

I've been having contractions a lot more regularly at times - they're not always painful, and they'll sometimes slow down, so I have been pretty sure that they aren't serious. I called my OB's office yesterday just to be sure and to establish when I SHOULD come in - they had me come in right away to put me on a monitor. So, we did that, and he found that he's about 99.98% sure that I won't go into hard labor before our scheduled C-section - so it looks like she's in there for the long haul!

I've got a lot of blog friends who got colds just mere days before they had their babies... and it looks like I'm keeping the tradition alive. I managed to avoid colds and all for about 8.75 months (I guess I got a slight cold when I was 8 weeks or so), but I am just in the beginning stages of a cold today. Fantastic timing. I can handle a cold, but I do NOT want baby girl getting sick first thing out of the womb.

Despite all of the IC and cerclage-related stuff that's gone on throughout the pregnancy, there are some symptoms I've been able to avoid. Didn't really get any stretch marks at all, and didn't retain much water. However, I've got a very few stretch marks that are actually a little deep that just showed up this week - they're on the side of my belly where she's been since about 28 weeks, so that makes sense. My fingers and feet have been puffy the last few days, too - it probably has something to do with the fact that our little area here had the highest temps in the country today - 115 heat index, due to horrible humidity. It was nice to not have to go outside today.

Just counting down the days until Tuesday! It's funny how time is crawling this week!

38 weeks 2 days

2010-07-12T17:28:00.000-05:00

Let's do some quick math...

1 frozen embryo transfer
+ 13 weeks of daily intramuscular PIO shots and estrogen patches
+ 1 Shirodkar cerclage
+ 20 weekly P17 shots
+ 25 weeks (and counting) of bedrest (since 13.5 weeks)
+ 20 weeks (and counting) of contractions (since 18 weeks)
+ a billion prayers
+ more good wishes and love than I can count
---------------------------------------
38 weeks and 2 days of pregnancy!

Nobody really needs to see my naked belly, but I figure I might as well. The yoga pants kind of cut off the bottom of the belly, but this is where we're at. My doctor said at my appointment last week that I was measuring 36 weeks, but that I was fine as I'd been progressing - he said we'd likely just have a 6-lb baby instead of a 9-lb baby.

July 20 is quickly, quickly approaching. I am so very, very excited to hold our little girl in my arms, but I am not having that "get her out now" syndrome - I just never have. It's incredibly painful, and the contractions are so strong - but I just love feeling her moving around, and I want her to bake and get as strong as possible before she's born. I also know that I just cherish every second of being pregnant with her. I will miss feeling her moving, and being able to know every second how she's doing - I have to give up some of this control (as if I've ever had any) when she's born, and will have to trust others. It's so hard for us to get pregnant, and we only have two embryos left, so there's also the chance that this is the last time I'll ever be pregnant - I just want to enjoy every second of it. I will happily live with all of the cramps and things if it means that Baby A/Jota is safe and sound. I just wish Maddie were here, as well.

Happy 1st Birthday, Madeleine Rose

2010-07-07T19:57:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to post much in-depth about Maddie's birthday, mostly just because it was incredibly quiet and private, but I thought that this was beautiful in its own way, and wanted to remember it.

JTD unfortunately had to work today from 10 a.m. - 10 p.m. (he has a huge project that is going in place this weekend). Since he won't be home until well after dark, I picked up several balloons and took them in for us to release together at the hospital (which is where he works, and also where we were one year ago today).

We let go of the balloons, and most of them rose together and started off on their flight as expected, in a path going directly east with the wind. One of the balloons, however, was very, very slow to rise. It stayed near us for a while, and finally started rising - but it went north (where we could see it much better). Rather than going the same direction as the others, it made its own way where we could see it. As the balloons rose, it started to sprinkle (it rained a year ago today, too) - and the one balloon kept going north. It got several blocks north, and then circled back a little bit with the wind before finally heading east. It slowly made its way out of sight, probably 5 minutes after the others had disappeared.

I'm not even sure what all of that means, but it reminded me so much of how Maddie was such a fighter. She was the embryo that stuck through the FET, she grew and blossomed, and she didn't want to come out when my body went into labor. She kicked up until almost the end (I remember her last kick, as if she was saying goodbye), and they had to do several rounds of Pitocin (she was delivered feet-first). Much like that balloon, she stayed with us for as long as she could. I am so grateful for every second that we had with her, and that we continue to have with her.

"One year ago today I was..."

2010-07-06T18:31:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, I was in labor with Maddie. I can't stop thinking about it, I can recall what we were doing each and every minute of the day. She was born at 12:08 a.m. on July 7, 2009 - but I know precisely what we were doing every minute before and after.

I didn't really prepare for this being so hard - I know I've got a ton more hormones surging through my body right now, but I didn't expect it to be so fresh and raw.

Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your thoughts and love - I probably won't be able to say much tomorrow, but please know that I am so grateful for the outpouring of support. Knowing that so many others love our little girl just means so much more than I can say.

"Lucky"

2010-07-01T18:03:00.000-05:00

I find myself so often thinking how "lucky" I am to be so near having Baby A in my arms - and then I remember that I absolutely hate the word "lucky." I don't believe in luck, I believe in God. I absolutely respect everyone else's feelings and beliefs, and certainly don't judge anyone who believes otherwise - but I don't believe that random chance is keeping my baby safe. I believe that I am blessed beyond measure and words, and am just so grateful. This pregnancy has been harder than I ever imagined physically and emotionally in many ways, but I refuse to complain (to anyone other than my husband) - I am so truly blessed to have every minute, and am so grateful.

Today was our 36w5d (36w6d by the OB's count) appointment. It went well. I gained 2 lbs, which brings my grand total up to 16 lbs. My OB said he'd still really like to see me gain some weight (since I'm naturally a pretty small person), so I "shouldn't put down the Twin.kies." Ideal weight gain range for me would have been 25 - 35 lbs, anywhere between 15 and 50 is "normal" - but since I'm barely in that range, he would really like to see me gain some more weight.

I'm dilated to about 1.75 cm right now. Didn't get a report on effacement, but that's okay because I'm still a little sketchy on what it means. I was about 60% effaced two weeks ago, so I'm assuming the answer is "more." We got our C-section officially on the books, though (assuming no early arrivals) - July 20 at 7:30 a.m. CDT. We get to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. - since my husband works at the very same hospital the night before until 10 p.m., I'm feeling a little bad for him!

Little updates

2010-06-29T19:50:00.000-05:00

There's not a whole ton new to post - the latest she can possibly be born is three weeks from today, so that's reassuring.

It felt like she was trying to make a jailbreak on Sunday night, however. I'd gone to work for about 2.5 hours on Friday (I begged my OB to let me go, and he let me do it on a trial basis). The weekend afterwards was pretty rough, but I started having some pretty strong contractions on Sunday evening. (I've been having contractions of some nature since 18 weeks, but these are way stronger.) They were going every 11 minutes, then went down to every 8. At that point we started debating heading into L&D... and then they slowed to a near-stop. While it was great news, I am curious about what it means for the next few weeks! Our next OB appointment is this coming Thursday. I'm curious to see how dilated I am at that appointment.

Maddie's birthday will be next Wednesday, July 7. It's so hard to believe it's been almost an entire year since I got to hold that perfect little girl in my arms. Unfortunately, my husband has to work extra hours that day (I was able to take the day off) - I am going to see if I can get out of the house and get some balloons for a release after he gets home at 10pm, or something like that. I love all of the parties that so many BLMs have, but I feel like this needs to be a very private thing for JTD and I.

36 weeks!

2010-06-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

How far along? 36 weeks today by my count, 36w1d by my OB's. If she were born now, I don't even really count that as a preemie!

Total weight gain/loss: 14 lbs. total (they're still less-than-pleased, but I'm trying as hard as I can!)

Maternity clothes? I wear maternity yoga pants and a big shirt whenever I'm around the house. I wear maternity clothes about 90% of the time when I'm out of the house, but do have a few shirts I can wear.

Labor signs: Of the ones I can notice, it's the same stuff it's been since about 18 weeks - contractions and cramping. Am quite a bit effaced, and am dilated over a cm (didn't get a check this week).

Sleep: Start-and-stop. Mostly so that I can get up and go to the bathroom.
Best moment this week: I know it sounds corny, but my best moments are just lying in bed cuddling with my husband and the baby belly. We also have admitted to each other that we're a little terrified that we're going to be responsible for another human life here shortly - we are SO excited, but it's also really scary!

Worst moment this week: I probably have to go with the Group B strep test. I've also been having some pretty sharp pains, but I want to keep her in there.

Movement: All of the time, and I love it! Our kick counts are insane - they average between only taking about 45 seconds to 5 minutes. Then she just keeps right on going. :) She is stretching more often than kicking now - and the stretching involves her head in my hip bone and her feet sharply up in my ribs.

Food cravings/aversions: I have been having the worst acid reflux - waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm choking/drowning on stomach acid, despite the Pri.losec and sleeping at an incline. The morning sickness has also come back. So, I'm trying to avoid anything spicy or strong-flavored. My diet is really boring.

Belly button in or out? This topic is a little bit of a sore one with me. I've definitely still got an innie, but it looks kind of creepy. It's so shallow that JTD loves to stare at it and make fun of me. :)

What I miss: I miss being able to see where I'm shaving; it's been about two months since it was more than an educated guess. I'll have JTD look and see how I did, and usually he just laughs - not encouraging. I am elated that we're at a point where I can't see, though, and wouldn't change it for the world.
To what I am looking forward: Lying in bed with my husband with our baby between us when we can actually see her.

Weekly Wisdom: I don't really think I have much wisdom... just to wake up every single day happy that she's safe in there. I'm just so blessed to have the husband and two girls that I do, and take the time to be grateful for them every day.

Milestones: We're one week away from "full-term" by clinical standards!

Symptoms: I don't think they're really even "symptoms" at this point. It's more a way of life.

35.5 weeks - OB appointment

2010-06-23T20:24:00.000-05:00

Another OB appointment today! Another instance of peeing on my own hand, which is just expected at this point. I gained one pound (still not making up a ton of ground, but I'm at a total of 14 lbs at this point). The great news is that I'm measuring right on with the measuring tape - I was at 35 weeks this time, up from 33 last week. That explains why my belly button got so much more shallow over the last week (which is creepy, by the way). I still apparently don't look very big at all - a friend this weekend kept saying, "Oh, you're so LITTLE!" I wasn't really as appreciative of that as I might have been.

We didn't actually do a full cervical exam today, so I don't know how dilated I am. What we DID do was the Group B strep test. Um... wow, that sucks. I'm not going to get too much into it because I have a couple of guy friends who read this blog, but I didn't really totally know what all was involved in it. And my OB does the second part of the swab as a ninja attack - he explained to me afterwards that he doesn't tell women what's coming ahead of time because then they won't let him do it. :) My husband was gravely disappointed that he wasn't able to attend this appointment when I told him about propelling myself across the exam table.

No more P17s!

2010-06-21T18:52:00.000-05:00

We took our last P17 shot last night, which means that we hit 35 weeks on Saturday! This is awesome - no more having to ice down my butt before my husband sticks an enormous-gauge needle into it! I'm guessing that my number of contractions per day will go up even higher (which seems impossible at this point), but it means that baby girl is doing well! I remember being so nervous to even order the second batch of them, because I was so afraid we wouldn't get to 26 weeks. Yet, here I sit, with Baby A/Jota proving me wrong - and jamming her head into my pelvis and her feet waaaaay up into my ribs to rub it in. :) So, I guess she's going to be like both of her parents and like to make a point...!

I had a friend recently e-mail me about the last few weeks of her pregnancy after her stillbirth (also at 21w3d, like Maddie) - she said that she had been especially sad/upset/nervous during that time, and she guessed that was the case for me. Boy, was she right - I've been crying at the drop of a hat, and missing Maddie even more than ever lately. I think it's just because we're so close - and, while I know that Maddie is safe and happy in ways that I never could have made her, I just don't want to lose another baby. I don't want my body to fail another little miracle. I just know that she's going to be okay, though - I just have to tell my heart that sometimes.

34 weeks 4 days - OB Visit

2010-06-16T18:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm 34 weeks 4 days by my count, but he keeps saying 34 weeks 5 days - so we'll say both. Here are the top three highlights from today's OB visit:

1. My blood sugar got super-low while I was waiting for my appointment, and so there was this whole drama with getting me juice and everything, since I was about to pass out.

2. My OB gave me a fist bump. I didn't want to leave him hanging, so I made the little explosion sound to humor myself.

3. On the way home, I got a roast beef from Arby's to try and get blood sugar up, and I'm pretty sure I ate part of the tin foil wrapper on accident. Maybe I wasn't ready to drive myself home when my husband called me from work.

The appointment went well other than that, in a much less remarkable fashion. I gained only 1 lb., and am measuring 33 weeks - but that's up a cm from last week, so I consider it a victory. The u/s went well - lost about .25 cm of cervical length, but that's expected with as effaced as I am. Baby A looked great - 143 bpm, and plenty of fluid. This was our last ever ultrasound with her, which is a little sad - but so happy at the same time to know that we're past the danger zone where we need those.

Just Amazed!

2010-06-13T13:57:00.000-05:00

It constantly amazes me how much people already love our little girl. It's so completely touching and sweet that others care about her so much.

The first reminder of this was on Friday, when a package arrived from Heather of In This Storm. We opened it up to find the most adorable little hamper for Baby A/Jota's room! It's just awesome - it's pink and matches her decor, and there's a little mesh bag inside that I can take right down to the washer! I can't believe that kind of generosity and thoughtfulness - thank you SO much, Heather! :)

Our couples' shower was last night, and it was amazing. Our friends, J & M, were just so generous and thoughtful. I can't even go into how grateful we are for everything, and everything we got - we received so many wonderful gifts, and were so blessed to have such an amazing time. It was so sweet to just be able to kick back and relax with our friends for an evening - and a couples' shower is perfect in that it took the spotlight off of just me, and included JTD! :) I will post pictures here of just a few of the highlights:

M got a cake made that perfectly matched the invitations, which were absolutely precious.

An adorable diaper cake - I can't even list everything on here! There are sleeper gowns, washcloths, blankets, lotion and shampoo/conditioner, car seat toys, and more!

Quite possibly the cutest swimsuit I have ever seen in my whole life! It'll fit baby girl perfectly next summer - it's so cute!

My friend, M, made up letters of all of her name to hang up in her room - she matched the colors to her bedding, and brought in our little ladybug theme! :)

There were just so many other wonderful things - towels and blankets, outfits and books, bath toys and healthy/beauty items. It was such a great time!

33w5d - OB appt yesterday

2010-06-10T19:03:00.000-05:00

I didn't get a chance to post this last night, but I had my OB appointment yesterday. It was actually really, really productive in terms of information:

1. I am about 1 cm dilated, and about 58% effaced. (I thought that was a nice, round number.) I asked my OB if he thought that I'd go full-term with those number - he's actually pretty convinced that Baby A/Jota will go to the scheduled C-section date, which brings me to #2...

2. Tentative C-section date is July 20! Since my due date is July 24, this is a little later than I'd like to wait (I'd rather go the week before on the 13th, since he schedules surgery on Tuesdays), but it's longer that I get to keep feeling baby girl!

3. We're keeping the cerclage in place! My peri hadn't had the courtesy to call my OB back after last week's appointment (I'm a little annoyed by that), so he called them again with JTD and I sitting there. He was pretty frank about not thinking that I need it removed, and the peri eventually relented. We're already having a C-section, so there's no reason at all to put me through another spinal, do another incision, etc. to take it out.

4. I asked if I could try going back to work for a few hours at a time. He wasn't thrilled about it, so we're going to try it for one day next week from 2:30 - 5. If I'm in as much pain as I was at the BFing class, I will just do what he said and stay home.

5. Next week will be my last cervical ultrasound - because, at 34 weeks, they just won't stop labor if I go into it fully. It'll be a little sad to not get to see her beautiful face again until she's born, but what an amazing milestone!

Our couples shower is this coming Saturday night - we're so excited! We get to just relax and have fun, and see so many good friends - I couldn't be more thrilled.

33.5 weeks - Breastfeeding Class

2010-06-08T20:58:00.000-05:00

Well, we finally had our class on breastfeeding last night (it was rescheduled from May). I was so glad to go, but I have to admit - the whole idea of BFing scares me a little bit. As I told my friend N via e-mail, I screwed up "cooking" Sudden.ly Salad. Before you think, "Ha, she's joking, that's mildly humorous" - no, I'm not joking. I truly and honestly put the flavored mixture in the boiling water. How am I prepared for feeding an entire human with my own breast if I can't make something akin to mac and cheese?

The class was good, though. There was a lot more time with the lactation consultant convincing about the benefits of breastfeeding than was probably necessary, since we all were there and had paid to learn. I may have been a little more sensitive to this than I would normally have been, though - I was in a ton of pain. I had been hoping to go back to work for a couple hours at a time for a couple of days a week here before too long, but this may have made me realize that I'm possibly not quite ready for that.

Anyway, here are the highlights:

1. There were some ugly babies and breasts on that video. I hate saying that, but it's true. There was one baby who had fur all over it - not in the way that it was just a hairy baby, but more like it looked like it was part gorilla. My husband said on the way home, "There were only, like, three good boobs in that whole video." I didn't stop to ask if he meant three pair, or three total. If just three total - what happened to the other one of that pair?

2. We were supposed to bring dolls, but only a couple of us did. Our doll wasn't very big, so I felt a little lacking - especially when we walked in and the other couple who brought one had a doll that weighed at least 15 lbs. Ours ended up being a lot more ideal for the class, but I felt dwarved.

3. Cheryl of Cheryllookingforward had told me that they had a pillow shaped like a breast in her BFing class, but it was a really curious sight to behold in person. I kept wondering what company specializes in the design and production of pillows shaped like breasts. There was even a little pull cord that she used to invert the nipple - it was bizarre. I wonder if you can get those pillows in a size that would work on your bed?

4. Again probably because I was in pain, but there was one guy I wanted to smother with the boob pillow. It sounds bad to say this, but he was kind of the suck-up (he laughed at everything the LC said, even if it wasn't funny). What bugged me, though, is that he kept taking the class (which was already running way past time) off-topic. At one point the LC mentioned how breast milk will naturally immunize your baby against certain things, and he shoots up his hand to ask if this means that they won't need to vaccinate. I inwardly groaned, waiting for the fireworks to start. The nurse just kind of looked at him and gently explained that breast milk doesn't immunize your child against, say, polio, but more like the common cold. So, he asked the question again, should we vaccinate. This was neither the time nor the place for that debate. Luckily, she just gave him a short answer and said to ask their pediatrician.

It may sound as if I didn't get a lot out of the class, but I truly did - I just kept myself entertained, too. One of the good things I found out for sure (I'd already been pretty sure, but not 100%) was that our health insurance pays for a breast pump. We just get a prescription from our OB, and take it to the pharmacy in the hospital - they have Med.ela backpacks, which is what I wanted anyway. I called the insurance company today, and they verified that not only have I met my deductible for the year, but have almost hit my out-of-pocket max (yay?). Most we should have to pay for things (besides the copay) from here on out is around $60.

I also will apparently be doing a lot of the "football hold," since we'll be doing a C-section. My husband, a huge football fan, found endless amusement in this. :) Anyway - OB check-up tomorrow (just a manual exam). Let's hope for no more dilation!

11 months tomorrow

2010-06-06T22:35:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow (6/7/10) will be Maddie's 11-month birthday in Heaven. We've got breastfeeding class tomorrow night, so I won't be able to post tomorrow - but I wanted to remember my perfect little gift.

I have been having a really hard time with missing her lately. I always miss her, but it's been more acute lately. I think what keeps getting me is that I keep thinking, "I think I've learned everything I can from this situation, God, and I'm trying to be a better person - may I please have her back now?" I just feel like I have tried to learn from this, now I "should" get to have her back. I know there's no "should," though - there just is.

What "is" is a beautiful gift every day that I treasure. My life is so enriched every day by my Madeleine Rose, and I would never, ever give up a second that I had with her. I wish to hold both of my little girls in my arms, but I trust that I'll get that opportunity in Heaven.

Happy 11-month birthday, Maddie.

Incredible Generosity and Sweetness

2010-06-03T17:18:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to write a quick note to say how much I just love people. I'd been having a hard few days, and then received something in the mail from a dear friend who is a former blogger (and a baby loss mama - she also lost her daughter at 21w3d). There were probably 15 of the absolute sweetest baby outfits I've ever seen - my husband already took them up to the nursery, but I'll try and get some photos. All different sizes, which is great because really all I have right now is newborn and a few 0 - 3 months. There were TONS of bibs (which is great, because I seem to forget that babies need those when I order stuff from BRU), and quite possible the cutest shoes I've ever seen. My little girl is going to be so well-dressed, it's insane. :)

Thank you, N, for making what had been kind of an emotional few days so much brighter. :) Who is this thoughtful and generous, some might ask? You are.

32 weeks and 3 days - Ultrasound and appt

2010-06-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

Today was our 32w3d appointment with the OB. Wow, that's a lot of weeks, isn't it?

First we had the ultrasound. Baby A looks amazing. Even though I showed to be almost a fingertip dilated at last week's manual exam, my cervical length is still holding out at a little less than 3 cm, and there's STILL no funneling. I am so amazed and grateful. Heartbeat was 150 bpm, and she's just lovely. She had her little hand up over her eyes like it was all just too much - so cute.

I had gained 2 lbs since last week - however, I'm still only up 11 from the beginning of when they started tracking. They want me to gain some more weight, so I'm apparently going to deep-fat fry some chocolate later or something. I need to get a belly pic taken and posted. Measured at 31 weeks, so that's within normal limits.

I saw the OB after that. The first thing I asked him was my dumb question. Everyone I've told about this looks at me like I'm crazy, but occasionally I hear a clicking/popping sound when she kicks super-hard, up in the top part of the belly. It's only been happening for a week or so, but it's there a couple of times a day. He reassured me I was normal - she's obviously pretty big at this point, and her feet are right up in my ribs. He said that, with all of my joints being weird right now because of the Relaxin, my ribs are moving a little bit whenever this happens and just making noise. He was actually disappointed that I didn't have a weirder question.

Then I asked my big question. I've had a little drama this week. My peri had told me when I last saw him that he wanted me to call at around 32 weeks or so to discuss taking out the Shirodkar cerclage. I'd done a lot of research and talking with my OB since then, and we'd decided to leave it in (I'll be having a C-section already, anyway, for other reasons). I called this past Friday and told them that at the peri's office. The PA called me back and said that the peri "strongly recommended taking it out around 36 weeks." I mentioned that I'd be doing a C-section, and so she talked to him again - he still recommended taking it out. This kind of freaked me out - there are several reasons that I want to leave it in. I've already confirmed that my IVF clinic can do another frozen embryo transfer around it. The rest of my reasons are more practical from a personal standpoint - it was pretty expensive to do, first of all. It didn't exactly feel awesome - a Shirodkar is pretty invasive due to the incision, there was a hospital stay and a catheter involved, and there was a decent amount of pain/cramping (it wasn't as bad as, say, my radiation, but I am not lining up for one if it's unnecessary). On top of all of this, why put another baby through the risks of a cerclage (including rupturing the membranes) if the previous one can just be in there? Well, I told all of this to my OB - and he demonstrated why I love him so much. He just agreed with me and said, "Well, why? You have a Shirodkar, they're permanent - why take it out?" I explained that I never got a reason, but didn't know if the fact that my exterior cervix was only about .5 cm at the time of the cerclage mattered. He said, "Well, we'll find out" - he proceeded to pull his cell phone out of his pocket and leave a message for my peri right then and there. I'm still waiting for a call back letting me know what's going on after he hears back from the peri, but my OB is one of my favorite people on Earth.

I've been missing Maddie horribly the last few days - I just wish she could be here with us during this, that I could hold her and kiss her.

31 weeks 4 days - OB Appointment

2010-05-26T17:39:00.000-05:00

31 week 4 day OB appointment today. No ultrasound this week (that's next week), but instead did the manual exam.

Heart rate and measuring were good. I somehow dropped a pound again - three weeks ago, they told me I needed to gain a good amount of weight. Two weeks ago, I gained two pounds. Last week, I gained two more pounds. This week, lost a pound - so, I guess I've averaged a pound a week, which is good. I just wish the amounts would stabilize a bit more. Peed on my hand for the seventh week in a row, which was fantastic (I hope the sarcasm relays over the written word sufficiently there...).

We did the manual exam. It was obviously painful, like normal - I was a little worried going into this exam, just because I've been having pretty increased pressure and contractions lately (but, she's getting bigger, so that's expected). He got done with the exam, and said, "It's trying to thin out, but not quite accomplishing it. It's looking as good as can be expected at this point, and just think how it would be if you didn't have the cerclage." I always have trouble with what "effacement" is (I get that it's thinning, but don't entirely understand what it does), so I asked if it was okay. He said that I was "less than a fingertip dilated," which was said in a very positive manner. I know this is all good, and I'm so grateful for it - but I have some questions and concerns. First of all - whose fingertip are we talking here? I can fit my ring and pinky fingertips inside of my husband's wedding ring - there's a pretty big difference. And what finger are we talking? Thumb? Pinky? I know the thumb isn't technically a finger or whatever, but, again, that's a pretty large difference.

I don't want to sound negative at all, but I don't want to be any-tip dilated. Just worried today - I don't want my baby to have to be premature because of my body's inadequacies, and I'm just concerned that she will be (he did not indicate this, nor did I ask, but it sure seems like a thinning/dilating cervix leads to labor eventually). I know people can go weeks and weeks with being dilated, so I'm praying for that, but I also know that part of the reason I got an infection with Maddie was because I was unknowingly dilated (granted, it was a much different situation then, with much more dilation). I just don't know that I can pray the words "happy and healthy" many more times without God becoming really bored.

IVF book

2010-05-25T18:32:00.000-05:00

I posted about this book the other day (LINK) when I ordered it, and just wanted to follow up now that we've received it.

To preface, I think it's a really great idea to share with my child from a young age that we did IVF/FET to have her. I want her to know how desparately we have wanted her for so long. I think a children's book is a great idea. We kind of wanted to start reading this to Baby A around age 3 years old or so.

I think the book is really well done, but I think it may be a little more clinical/precise than we wanted to be at that age. It uses the word "sp.erm" an awful lot - while I plan on using more clinical words than "hoo-ha" with her, I don't know that I'll be quite ready for the S word. JTD read it, and had slightly more humorous observations - I wish I had a scanner, but the illustration of the father handing his sample over to the lab tech had a big smile on both's faces. That is not how JTD remembers it - it was more of a furtive hand-off. (He also pointed out that the sample glass itself was unrealistically full, which made me laugh.)

I know it's crazy, and I don't know what I'd do for illustrations, but I've been thinking about making my own book for Baby A. I've seen several books that are great at explaining about the angel baby who went before them, so I feel like I have a lot of resources for introducing her to why Maddie isn't here, but want something to introduce her to IVF/FET at a younger age (I think this book will be great when she's older, just maybe not so great for early on). I don't know, it's a lot to think about.

31 weeks 2 days - Progress

2010-05-24T17:15:00.000-05:00

I find myself sometimes not knowing what to post here... I don't want to jinx what's going so well with little Jota/Baby A by saying too much (I'm not even superstitious normally), and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by posting about her too much... At the same time, I feel so positive that her story and Maddie's are intricately linked. Please, if anyone has any problems or difficulties at all reading about this, know that I do not intend any harm and totally understand if it's too hard to read this. I'm so grateful for the love and support.

Good, productive weekend. In a rare foray out of the house, my husband pushed me in a wheelchair around Babies R Us. It was a great look - luckily it was empty in there so nobody stared, and we just got in/out (I came prepared with a list that is chock full of what I want, the prices, and item numbers, so that there are no questions - I'm a little compulsive). We got our bouncer chair (which I put together entirely on my own - why don't the instructions have any words?!?), and bought the Angelcare monitor. (I almost wonder if that company realizes that they have a built-in market with lots of baby loss mamas?) We've had the car seat/stroller touring system thingy since I was pregnant with Maddie, but we just got it put together yesterday - now we just have to figure out how to install the two bases, and get them checked. JTD's mom was amazing, and sent us the co-sleeper/bassinet deal for which we'd registered (LINK) - we'll be using it as a bassinet, since I don't want to get my blankets anywhere near her on accident. Still a lot of stuff to put together, and some stuff to buy, but I feel like we're slowly getting ready... which is good, since I turned 31 weeks on Saturday!

I'd gotten the diaper bag I had been wanting a few months ago (from the company's discount site, thank-you-very-much), but just got around this weekend to starting to put some things in there for bringing her home from the hospital. I'd had a hospital bag packed for me in case I went into labor super-early, but I had been having troubles putting together stuff for her (again, I don't want to jinx anything). I am slowly gaining confidence every day, though, which is a wonderful feeling.

In other, much less important news, I realized something today: I have pretty much destroyed my couch from lying on it for the past 4+ months. I apparently am not as good as I like to think at getting food to my mouth (luckily it's leather), and I think it's getting a permanent indentation around my belly area. These restrictions have consequences I never imagined!

I may have overused my quota for parentheses today, so I'll just sign off by wishing everyone well.

Why Can't I Have Both?

2010-05-20T18:52:00.000-05:00

One thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is the whole "I wish Maddie were here" thing. For most people, it's true that, if their babies they lost had made it, their subsequent children wouldn't physically have been here. We're in the unique position that this isn't really the case. Maddie and Baby A were embryos that were frozen at the same time, and both were transferred at later dates. Their DNA and (I believe) souls were already formed and were just waiting for us to transfer them. In fact, we still have two babies frozen. It's entirely possible that, if Maddie would have lived, that we could have had both of our little girls with us at some point.

So, why couldn't I have both of them? I wish with all my heart every day that it were the case, why couldn't I have it? I know that the simple answer is because it wasn't God's will. This is what He needed it to be - He needed Maddie to be born as she was, to give us the gifts that she did. He is keeping her safe and happy forever. I find beauty in the fact that my girls are technically genetic twins, and I firmly believe that they will be close despite everything.

-------

I read about this (LINK) on LFCA the other day, and immediately showed JTD. He agreed with me that we really want our babies to know all about the IVF/FETs, and how much we wanted them. I ordered a copy of this, and hope it will be delivered this week - I just wanted to share it with any other IVF/FET moms out there.

30 weeks 3 days - OB appt and ultrasound

2010-05-18T17:14:00.000-05:00

We had our 30 week 3 day appointments today. We got to do the full ultrasound this morning, as well as a quick cervical length check, and then just had a quick check-in with the doctor this afternoon (we had to split up the appointment because he does surgeries on Tuesdays and open u/s times were limited).

The ultrasound went fantastic! She's still a little girl (thank goodness, or else we have a lot of pink stuff we'd need to return) - I'm not thinking she'll like watching the up-close proof of this when she's older, but so be it. Heartbeat was 150 bpm, which is really consistent with what it's been so far. She is measuring over a week ahead (which is shocking) - she's measuring 31w5d! Her estimated weight is about 3 lbs. 9 oz. (maybe 10 oz.). Her head circumference, however, is a full week ahead of that - my husband's the oldest of five siblings, and there were some big noggins in the family (JTD's next youngest brother, M, still has an enormous hat size). So, I guess that makes me pretty happy that we'll have to deliver via C-section for that reason alone... ;) She snuggles right up next to my uterine wall, so it's awfully hard to get a good 2D u/s picture of her face (and impossible to get a 3D/4D), but here's our beautiful little girl. (She also kept putting her hand up over her face specifically whenever we tried, as if she were blocking the paparazzi - I'm thinking she's either stubborn or a beautiful drama queen-in-training!)

Baby AKD:

Cervical length was just amazing. Still holding firm at just over 3 cm, still no funneling. My OB is really confident that it's the Shirodkar being so high/tight that is doing this for us. I feel better and better about that decision every week.

I managed to pee on my hand for the sixth week in a row, despite my best efforts to break the streak. I'm going to try not to keep track anymore - this is embarrassing. I gained a couple of pounds (which is good), and was reassured that, while I don't look 30 weeks pregnant (I apparently have a long torso for someone around 5'2"), I'm measuring that way and that she's healthy. That is all that I needed to hear.

Holy cow.

2010-05-17T19:57:00.000-05:00

I'm just speechless and moved. My friend Jess (of HERE and HERE) sent us the sweetest gift today. Jess was my first "loss friend" after Maddie was born - she reached out to me because our stories were so similar, and her heart is so big. My husband picked up the mail, and opened the box... there were so many things in there that I can't list them all. She put in the sweetest little blanket and night light from the bedding set we have (HERE), a bunch of safety items (like a fridge lock, outlet plugs, etc.), the cutest little outfit, and just so much more. I am unendingly amazed and supported by this community and the people in it. Thank you so, so much, Jess - I can't wait until we see Clover's gender, and get to start looking for stuff for you!

Ultrasound tomorrow - a full one this time! I'll try and post some pictures afterwards.

30 weeks 1 day? Impossible!

2010-05-16T20:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we turned 30 weeks! That's a number with a 3 in front of it, thank you very much! I couldn't be more excited, I don't think!

Not a ton new here. I've finally begun taking the tags off of and we're washing some of the clothes, blankets, sheets, and so on that we've purchased and received. I had a lot of girl clothes that we'd been given when I was pregnant with Maddie - it was really hard to go through those, but it was nice to be close to her in that way, and to know that the girls will share those things.

29 weeks 5 days - checkup

2010-05-13T17:05:00.001-05:00

Good appointment today, despite it being a manual cervical exam week (rather than an ultrasound week). Looking forward to another full ultrasound next Tuesday, but today's appointment had lots of good info:

- I am measuring at 29 weeks still (same as last Thursday), but did gain two pounds. This made them happy. I asked how I was measuring on time if I look so small - I've just got a long torso, I guess, for someone roughly 5'1" or 5'2". The doctor did tell me that he could tell me I look fat, though, if it would make me feel better. :)

- I peed on my own hand for, like, the fifth week in a row. At this point, it's all guesswork, and apparently I'm not good at it. I'm kind of OCD, so luckily I can wash my hands twice and then use the hand sanitizer in my purse - but it still grosses me out. I guess it's better than peeing on someone else's hand, though.

- Thanks to Jen's awesome recommendation, I'm going to get an Angelcare monitor. I'd researched them a bit, but never heard a personal recommendation. To anyone who has had one - we've already got a video monitor for sound/video monitoring, so can I get away with the regular Angelcare (LINK) instead of the Deluxe (LINK)? It looks like the big difference is just the range of the device, and that the portable units do sound monitoring (which, again, we won't need). I may be missing something, though.

I've been missing Maddie a lot over the past few days. I know it's crazy, but I started wondering if it would be weird if we took her urn with us to the hospital when we go in. I decided that, yes, it would probably be a weird - but more importantly, I don't think I'd feel safe taking her out of the house. What if something happened to her? It will kill me to be away from her for a few days, but JTD will be at home some every day to hold her.

Thieving

2010-05-12T19:57:00.000-05:00

I stole this form below from a couple of other blm's - I admit it, I'm a thief. Here goes, anyway!

How far along? 29 weeks 4 days

Maternity clothes? Almost exclusively. Since I'm at home about 99.9% of the time, I wear a lot of oversized shirts I own and maternity yoga pants, but I have preggo jeans and tops that I wear to the doctor and stuff.

Stretch marks? So far, only down by my hips, where the swelling of my belly starts - and they're not that bad (knock on wood).

Sleep? Ugh - not great, usually. My OB has had me on Ambien since I had Maddie (it's safe for pregnancy), so I get a couple of hours right away, then get up to pee, then get a little bit more, then have to rotate due to really bad hip pain, maybe get another half hour, then get up to pee, then repeat the whole process. I wake up really early, too.

Best moment this week? In the past week, there were two. One was seeing Baby A on the ultrasound - she's just so precious that it takes my breath away. The second was on Saturday night, before Mother's Day - I took Maddie's urn and went up the stairs, as I do every night at bedtime. I was putting her urn on the dresser where she sits at night, and found the card that my husband had left me. I opened it up to the most sincere and sweet words I've ever read. I was also so very touched to receive Mother's Day cards from my mother-in-law and the amazing Fishsticks & Fireflies. (Have I mentioned that she's one of the sweetest people ever?)

Worst moment? I don't want to even think about this, as it's not productive. I'm sure it was during one of the many contractions when I was panicked that something was wrong.
Movement? I'm not sure she ever stops when she's awake! I do my kick counting, and she usually passes within about 3 min., sometimes up to 13 min. or so. I think she probably moves somewhere between 20 - 40 times an hour (depending on the hour), and I love it!

Food cravings? My cravings have slowed down a little bit. I purposely eat a ton of fruit when I crave sweet things. I would really like some fried dill pickles from a specific restaurant, and I keep going through a curry thing (JTD got me some about a week ago, which helped), but that's about it.

Gender? This baby is definitely all girl, based off of all of the ultrasounds. If not, we have a lot of pink stuff to return.

What I miss? Just being active, and human interaction. I miss it, but not so much that I'm willing to put Jota in any kind of danger for it. (I obviously miss Maddie every moment, but I don't think this question is asking that.)

What I look forward to? The obvious! Having her here with us, being able to hold her and take care of her. In the short term, I look forward to my OB appt tomorrow (just a manual cervical check), and then we get another full ultrasound next Tuesday!

Milestones: Every day is a milestone! I'm just so grateful that God, the doctors, and medicine have allowed us this opportunity. I think about all of the medical marvels that have gone into this pregnancy - the intricacies of IVF and FET, the simplicity yet preciseness of the cerclage, the whole wonder that there is such a thing as a C-section. This certainly hasn't been a "natural" pregnancy by any stretch of the imagination (in fact, I can't really imagine how we could have required more medical intervention), but every step is a gift.
Emotions: Well, I'm terrified still by each contraction and cramp (and sad when each makes me think of Maddie), but it doesn't do any good to complain about it (other than putting others in an awkward spot when they're forced to give pity). I am also filled with wonder at the blessings we've been given - I mean, I'll be 30 weeks on Saturday with our little miracle baby! It's so amazing and shocking! Every day this little girl gets bigger and stronger, and I'm just so blessed to be a part of that process.

Mother's Day and More

2010-05-10T19:43:00.000-05:00

I realized that it's been forever since I last posted a belly pic (whether people want them or not), so I figured I'd do so. The OB last week said that I need to gain more weight (I've only gained 6 lbs. since they started tracking around 13 weeks, but I'd already gained a bit before that). However, I think I look like a house. Just a note - um, you can't really tell where my ribs are to tell how big the belly really is, because my boobs hide where my ribcage is (sorry to my guy friends who read this). Also, those are gaucho preggo pants, my legs aren't actually this wide. Also, I don't really have a painting permanently attached to my butt. Anyway, without further commentary:

29 weeks 1 day, yesterday

I hope that everyone had an amazing Mother's Day. My husband is so incredibly sweet and thoughtful. It was so special to be honored and remembered as a mother already, and one to-be again. I know that he, of all people, could never forget - but just the fact that he took the time to remember it is so special. I hope everyone had that.

Good Stuff

2010-05-06T19:46:00.000-05:00

Good appointment today! We had our 28w5d ultrasound, and everything is great. Cervix is right around 2.95 to 3.05 cm, which is amazing. I talked to the doctor, and he's confident it's because we went with the Shirodkar (which is kept so high up in the cervix). I feel like we really made the right decision for us with opting for it over the McDonald (not that it's the right decision overall, just the right one for us). Baby girl looks great, and we'll have another full ultrasound in two weeks.

I was just realizing that it's May 6. This is important to me for a couple of reasons:

Tomorrow is Maddie's 10-month birthday. Happy 10 months in Heaven, my sweet little angel.
In about 12 days, it will be May 18. That will be four months to the day after my cerclage (January 18) - I will officially have been on bedrest for four months. That's insane, but I just think about how much I feel it's helped, and how I'll do anything to keep Jota safe. I know I say that over and over, but it's true.

Unfortunately, my breastfeeding class for this coming Monday got cancelled (only three of us were signed up for it). I signed up for the one on June 7 as a replacement, so that's good.

29 weeks coming up on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday! Happy Mother's Day to all!

28 weeks 3 days

2010-05-04T19:19:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday was the official start of the third trimester! It was a very happy day - I just can't believe that we got here. It's so reassuring to be at a point where the survivability rates are so high. Obviously we don't want her to come anytime soon, but it just makes me feel so good to feel like she's going to come home with us.

The following is a little bit of a rant - I'm just warning anyone who may want to not read it in advance, so that they can close out if needed. And I know not to get upset about Facebook, as it's completely ridiculous, but it's just frustrating that it's one of the ways that people can invade my life who normally wouldn't be there. I absolutely don't want to sound judgmental or at all self-righteous - just frustrated and determined.

Anyway - I decided to post a pregnancy-related Facebook status (which I try not to do all that often) celebrating the occasion. We received a lot of congratulations, but I received a message from a woman who is about three weeks further along than I am (she's one of those people who friended me even though I only ever really talked to her for a grand total of about 20 minutes in high school). She sent me a long message about how lucky I should realize I am, that she went through two years of trying to conceive (without any doctor intervention) and an early miscarriage, that I should realize what I've been given because of what she'd been through. She had sent me something similar back when she first found out that we were pregnant, making sure that I knew how hard her journey had been.

I have to admit - I thought for a fleeting second about taking the low road. I thought about responding that we'd only been able to conceive via IVF after five years of trying, that I'd had both a previous miscarriage and the most devastating loss of my entire life when our little girl was stillborn, that I was enduring a lot of physical pain currently that I welcome with open arms if it means Jota's safe. I would never, ever respond that, though - while she's a one-upper, I don't ever want to be that person. I don't want to use my grief and life for dramatic effect, I don't need to prove what we've been through to anyone - it's not for anyone else to know. Plus, who wants to win the "I've got a sadder story" award?!? And, ultimately, the problem with one-upping is that someone can always one-up you. I know of so many people, both in real life and through their stories online, who have endured so much - things that I can barely even fathom.

I don't want to think we have it tough - I think this is the happiest time of my entire life, as I have an absolutely inspiring husband, an amazing little girl in Heaven who I know is safe, and a beautiful little girl who is thriving inside of me. I obviously ache for Maddie to be here in my arms, but I also celebrate where she is, and that I know she's happier than I could ever have made her. Our infertility and loss brought us here, and "here" is full of promise and hope.

So Sweet

2010-04-30T18:15:00.000-05:00

I signed in to Facebook over lunch to see that the wonderful and sweet Jen (from HERE) had made this absolutely lovely photo for Maddie for International Babylost Mother's Day:

I'm just in love with this, and am so very grateful. It's just so lovely and sweet. Thinking of all of the other mothers who have lost their children.

Little Bits

2010-04-28T17:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I just officially signed up for a class where I learn how to feed another human from my own chest. Our Breastfeeding Class will be May 10 - I should be able to recline quite a bit, so it should be okay. I'm a little disturbed that we're supposed to bring a doll if we can - I'm really hoping not to have to expose myself to strangers, but at least JTD will be there to be a human shield if necessary.

Some of our dear, dear friends are throwing us a couple's shower! It's tentatively on June 12 - we're really excited. I will (hopefully) be 34 weeks that very day, so it seemed like a good time to do it. We're keeping it really small, but I'm so excited to get to celebrate Jota with others.

Little girl continues to kick my cervix quite a bit (I'm used to occasional ones, but this is a ton). I'm debating going in to the doctor tomorrow if it doesn't stop. It seems really rhythmic, so I guess it could be that she's hiccuping and bouncing on it? I don't know - I feel like I'm super worried about this stuff and going to drive my OB crazy, but on the other hand.... I don't care, as long as she's safe.

Appointment yesterday

2010-04-27T20:09:00.000-05:00

We were at 27 weeks and 2 days yesterday when I had my OB appointment. No ultrasound this week, just a manual exam. All was "long, closed, and tight." I was measuring at 28 weeks, even though I somehow lost two pounds last week? All of that good news hasn't necessarily stopped me from panicking today as she keeps kicking around/at/(hopefully not) in my cervix. I was so glad and grateful for another fantastic appointment, though.

I was on the way home and saw a mother pushing a stroller. I had such strong emotions in such a short time - I thought about how I pray and hope that we'll be able to push Jota around soon, but then thought about how I long to have that opportunity with Maddie. So often I'll wake up in the morning and think about how I'd love to be getting her out of her bassinet and having her lie in bed with me for a little bit before getting ready - since I can't, I talk to her urn and try to let her know how very much I love her. It's so hard - we only got to have her in our arms for such a brief time that sometimes it feels like I am crazy for longing to have her back there so much.

No Complaints

2010-04-23T18:57:00.000-05:00

I try not to ever complain about this pregnancy. I worry, I fret, I stew - but I try not to complain about this amazing, wonderful blessing.

The truth is, there are some things that are rough, in all honesty. It's been 13 weeks and 4 days that I've been on bedrest/work restrictions. My legs have throbbed since about 2 weeks after the cerclage. My back feels horrible. I still have a ton of pressure and pain in my cervix, and every single one of these Braxton Hicks contractons terrifies me. I mourn Maddie, and am scared to be too excited for Jota.

However, then I think about some of the horrifying stories I've read, and how much worse than me people have it. My story isn't really that unique, it won't be remembered in medical journals or circles - I have lots of physical and emotional stuff going on related to this pregnancy and Maddie, but there are women who have endured so much worse. While my babies are remarkable, I really am not. I don't mean that in a self-depricating way, or like I'm looking for compliments - it's true. Thousands and thousands of women have done this, and that gives me hope. That keeps me from wallowing in the "poor me" syndrome to which I could easily fall prey.

I will happily do all of this and so very, very much more to keep Jota safe. I would give anything to have my family safe - I know that I can't do anything to bring Maddie back, but I can absolutely help Jota. I will do it, and rejoice for the opportunity.

Counting My Blessings

2010-04-22T17:09:00.000-05:00

I know I've written about him before, but I just wanted to write today about the amazing husband I have.

JTD comes from a family with lots of siblings, and family has always been an important part of his life. Many men with that kind of background would have been very hostile and angry at me for my infertility issues. However, he never said a word in anger over the last five years of struggling through everything. He's supported me through drugs and pills, through surgery and IUI. He's given me shots and gone to embarrassing appointments. When they had to postpone the embryo transfer and freeze our little ones after our IVF due to my severe ovarian hyperstimulation, he never said a word (even though we were both deeply disappointed) - he just held my hand while they drained fluid from me. He's been by my side and taken care of me through two frozen embryo transfers. When I've apologized to him for my body, he's said without pause that they were our issues, not mine.

When my body couldn't support Maddie last summer, he never said a word in bitterness or anger. Instead, he quietly put my emotional welfare and grief ahead of his own. While I was in the hospital, he came home without me even saying a word, and put away the positive pregnancy tests and belly cream I had in my bathroom, stored away the baby books I had strewn about. Even though he was in as much pain as I was, he wanted to protect me from these things when I was released from the L&D. To this day, he just holds me when I need to cry.

Now, it brings me so much joy to hear him say, "I was in A_____'s room last night looking at her crib, and..." It fills me with gratitude to see him talk to her and feel her kick. He waits on me hand and foot while I am stuck in the house, and doesn't complain. I have done some things in my past of which I am ashamed, but he truly inspires me to strive to be better.

Remembering Quinn

2010-04-21T19:54:00.000-05:00

I hope to not make my dear friend uncomfortable, but I just wanted to write today to remember little Quinn, the beautiful daughter of Fishsticks & Fireflies, who is celebrating her second birthday in Heaven today. I am sending so much love to you all.

26 weeks 2 days - Ultrasound

2010-04-19T18:01:00.000-05:00

We had our 26w2d ultrasound and appointment today.

First things first. I have to imagine that it is, like, a billion times easier for guys to pee in a cup, yet somehow they never have to do it. Not fair.

The important stuff, then. I was a little worried about today's appointment, because I've been having a lot of pressure, and had 4 Braxton Hicks contractions in an hour last night (they stopped later, though). However... cervical length is still over 3 cm, with no funneling! I can't believe it! I asked about the BH contractions - he said to come in if they happen more than 6 times in an hour. I also asked about the NICU at the local hospital - it's Level II with the capabilities of being Level III, they just don't have a full-time neonatologist on-staff (just during the day on consult). However, there's a Level III that is only 30 minutes away - if anything happened with Jota (which is increasingly unlikely!), they would stabilize her and take her down to the Level III if needed.

Let's see, what else... I downloaded an app on my iPod touch (which I rarely use) called "BabyBump" - it's got kick counters and contraction counters, which I love, as well as weekly photos of development. Since I didn't feel like my homemade spreadsheet was cutting it, I love this so far.

We're still not telling anyone her name, but I will share her initials. She's got the same initials that I do - "AKD." I don't think I'm going to tell many (if anyone) in "real life" that, though. :)

What Could Have Been

2010-04-15T17:43:00.002-05:00

My husband and I both adore music. We were good friends before we started dating, and one of the things over which we found an incredible bond was music. When we got married, that was one of the big things we did as a couple (since he wasn't really interested much in flowers or colors) - we went through our music collections and compiled a huge play list of "accepted" songs for our DJ. (There were also a few songs that were unacceptable - my mom and I had a big fight over the fact that I adamantly refused to have a reception if the song "Butterfly Kisses" was anywhere near it.)

When we got pregnant with Maddie, we knew that we wanted to share music with her. We had songs that we connected to the pregnancy - the day that we found out that she was a little girl, this song ("Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright III) got stuck in our heads:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVam-fshUgw

I had my iPod playing today while doing a project for work, and that song came up. I immediately was reduced to tears, and it reminded me how broken I still am and always will be. It's amazing how you try and integrate your angel's life into yours in positive ways and to only take the good from the situation, from your baby's life - but something can bring so sharply into focus how much it still hurts, and always will to have lost her. The song accurately describes our feelings of hope for Baby Jota, but it is just inextricably tied to Maddie. I would give almost anything to be able to lose fights with her.

I want to focus on nothing but how happy Maddie is now (beyond what I could ever hope to give her), and how very much she changed my life for the better, but there are days when I think it's good to remember what could have been.

25 week 3 day appointment report

2010-04-13T18:43:00.001-05:00

We had our 25w3d appointment today! It started off with me drinking a butt-ton of fruit punch-flavored sugar junk for the gestational diabetes test. While it didn't taste as bad as I expected, it definitely made me nauseous for about an hour or so. The lab said that they would call me by 5 if results were bad and I needed the follow-up 3-hour test, or else they wouldn't call me at all if it was fine - I haven't heard back, so I'm taking no news to be good news!

It was not an ultrasound week, unfortunately (which is too bad, because I've been having a lot of pressure the last few days again). The manual exam seemed great, though (still pressure, but no dilation), and my doctor answered my weekly litany of questions. I put on two pounds in the last week after not gaining any for the two previous, but I went from measuring a week behind to being right on-target. I like to think it's that Jota is getting bigger, and not just that I'm eating a ton. :) Next u/s is next Monday at 2:00 CDT.

Small Milestones

2010-04-12T17:41:00.002-05:00

One thing that I've discovered about the process of being pregnant after a stillbirth is setting myself little attainable goals. I should preface this by explaining that I'm not a very patient person, and I'm pretty particular. During both the IVF/FET processes and during pregnancy, I research everything to the point of exhaustion, and then ask about a million questions of my health care providers (I take in a list on paper each time so that I don't forget anything). Anyway - the way that I have found to get through the five years of infertility, or now the long stretches of pregnancy, are to set myself little milestones that I can try and achieve frequently and (hopefully) easily.

25 weeks has brought a few things:

- First of all, it's a nice round number, it's the square of 5, it's like getting to the "big number" on a clock instead of being in the minutes between the 5-minute marks. When it's 12:34, you tend to just round it to 12:35 - I am on one of the "rounding" numbers. I like that, and find odd comfort in it.

- When we ordered our P17 shots, they first only sent us a batch of ten shots. Since we started them on at 16w1d, our last one of the first batch was yesterday at 25w1d. When I started thinking about three weeks ago about reordering, I kept wondering if it was wise, praying we'd actually get through the first batch. We've officially hit that milestone.

- I'm doing the 1-hour gestational diabetes test tomorrow at my OB appointment. While it's not like "yay, let's drink sugar syrup!" or anything, it's definitely, "yay, we got this far!" Plus, we'll have a manual exam (not an ultrasound week) - I've been having more pressure over the past couple of days, so I just like that we have an appointment tomorrow.

It's so weird that we're less than three weeks away from the not-so-little milestone of the third trimester!

Notes of All Sorts

2010-04-09T17:08:00.000-05:00

Just a few notes:

- I first of all wanted to just express again how grateful I am for everyone's support. It's so unique when you can talk about how much your baby means to you even when you can't see her everyday, and other people understand. I know you all feel the same way - the community of those who have lost children is just amazing. I've felt so close to Maddie the last few days, and so many of your comments and blogs have helped me truly enjoy that.

- 25 WEEKS TOMORROW!

- A HUGE thank you to Bree! I opened up the mail (finally) the other day, and she had sent Baby Jota the absolute cutest little hair bow - pink with brown polka dots! My camera batteries died so I can't get a picture, but it is just the absolute cutest thing!

- I am positive that my little Jota is going to be the first female kicker in the NFL. Not only will she do away with gender stereotypes, but she's proven to my bladder and cervix that she's world-class. I'm fairly sure that I watched her kick the covers off of my stomach last night while I was lying in bed. I couldn't be happier.

- My body is so weird with pregnancy. If my feet get too hot, I get red, firey-hot hives on them? Who does that, honestly? As long as it's okay for the little one, I'm fine with it - but it's just weird. I say this as I'm breaking out like a 12-year-old boy and have veins bulging in my hands - pregnancy just does some weird stuff to your body. If my body is any indication, the stories you hear/see on TV (like when Rachel was pregnant on "Friends") of people starting dating someone new when they're knocked up seems incredibly unlikely. There's not a lot that looks particularly inviting on me right now... yet I feel so blessed and know that this is the most beautiful thing in the world.

- I have got a rock-star husband. The reasons are too numerous to detail, but I just am so lucky. One of the gifts Maddie gave us was to make us even closer than we were before, and I'm so blessed.

Happy 9 Month Birthday, Madeleine Rose

2010-04-07T17:14:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking of you, my sweet little angel, today and everyday.

I hate time passing, as it often feels like it's harder to connect with her in some ways (I don't know if this makes sense). I'm just so blessed to have her in my life, though. I think about who I am versus who I was 9 months and 2 days ago, and it's just immeasurably different. She's brought me closer to God again, made me more loving and generous, helped me to realize that I want to be better all of the time for the people around me. It is absolutely true that the littlest footprint can still leave a great impression on our lives.

24 weeks 3 days - Weekly Appt

2010-04-06T18:23:00.000-05:00

We had our 24w3d appointment today at the OB. It went so well. We did a cervical length ultrasound - still over 3 cm, still no funneling, still no dilation. I couldn't be happier. Baby Jota is sitting incredibly breech (which doesn't really matter, since the Shirodkar cerclage isn't coming out before delivery and so we'll be doing a C-section), and I watched her specifically and defiantly kick my cervix. :)

She didn't want to behave a ton for good profile or 3D shots, but she did stop for a few seconds to let us know that she's #1 (sorry for the blurriness - I had trouble getting a screen capture of this):

A Very Good Look

2010-04-05T18:58:00.000-05:00

I figured I'd change up the pace a little bit today. I don't think anyone has any questions about whether or not I'm scared. I seriously doubt that anyone who reads this blog or stumbles upon it is going, "Gee, I wonder if she's scared - I sure wish she'd clear that up for me." So, I figured I'd change it up today.

I have a very important issue to blog about. Cankles (also known as "fat ankles").

For as long as I can remember, I've always had very clearly defined ankles. I come from a line of women with really small bones, so you could very clearly see the different parts of my lower half - leg, ankle, foot. No merging. Probably not all that attractive (kind of garishly bony, even), but there. I always kind of knew that, no matter what, I was all set in the ankle department. In all of the times I've sprained/broken an ankle, I've never had a doctor say, "I can't really tell where the ankle is."

I'm not sure that I can say that anymore. Edema has started to set in a little bit - not bad, but I'm getting a tiny bit puffy in the ankle region. I don't have that creepy thing (at least not yet) where you can push in your skin and it stays there for a while, but it just looks a little bit funny. My husband says they look normal, but...

So, since I will proudly wear any sign of this pregnancy as a badge of honor that my little girl is still safe, I'm going to boldly proclaim it. "World, I have fat ankles."