We did the embryo transfer for Maddie on February 26, 2009. I had gotten my hair highlighted and cut midway through that same month before we went on a business trip. Once I found out I was pregnant with Maddie, I didn't want to go and get it done again - both my OB and my RE had said it was okay, but I didn't want to let any dye touch my skin. I was just so careful about everything. Then, once I had Maddie, I just couldn't get myself to go in - I knew I wasn't ready to be in "public" (which it really isn't) for that extended of a period of time.
Well, I'm going in for tonight for the first time. I'm really lucky that a friend's wife is my hairstylist, so I can just take a moment if I need one. I'm really so very lucky to be surrounded with people who care so much about myself and Maddie - I won't get the weird stare from her. It's the little things that make you feel better.
Physically - 4.5 Mentally – 8
Emotionally - 7 Spiritually - 8
Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts
Friday, October 09, 2009
Monday, October 05, 2009
12 weeks and 6 days - The Wedding
JTD and I went to a wedding this weekend - there were a lot of great friends there, but a lot of people who we hadn't seen or talked to in many years. Hence, there were a few people who recently had children, but didn't know about Maddie. Hence, there was a lot of forcing a smile as I was subjected to pictures and stories about their children, maternity leave, and so on.
I think it just really struck me how unfair this all is. I want to share Maddie with them - not because I want to bring this up or garner any pity, but because I want her story to be told. I want people to know how special she is, to remember her, to hug their own children tighter. That isn't something I can do, though - I'm not going to force our tragedy upon others, even if it's out of the most sincere wish to honor her. It's just not fair that I can't talk about her. I should be 34 weeks pregnant with the most beautiful baby ever, not getting ready to celebrate her 3-month birthday in Heaven on Wednesday. I am not pitying myself - it just feels like she doesn't get to be celebrated in the way she should, and that hurts. Most people don't really ask about her or me anymore, and it's really not their place to do so - but I just want her to be remembered. She deserves it.
I think it just really struck me how unfair this all is. I want to share Maddie with them - not because I want to bring this up or garner any pity, but because I want her story to be told. I want people to know how special she is, to remember her, to hug their own children tighter. That isn't something I can do, though - I'm not going to force our tragedy upon others, even if it's out of the most sincere wish to honor her. It's just not fair that I can't talk about her. I should be 34 weeks pregnant with the most beautiful baby ever, not getting ready to celebrate her 3-month birthday in Heaven on Wednesday. I am not pitying myself - it just feels like she doesn't get to be celebrated in the way she should, and that hurts. Most people don't really ask about her or me anymore, and it's really not their place to do so - but I just want her to be remembered. She deserves it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
11 weeks and 6 days - The Heathcliff Huxtable Approach
When you’re going through infertility, you become acutely aware of The Mothers. I don’t mean to say of just people who are mothers – that’s apparently now approximately 187% of women over the age of 12 or something. The Mothers are the people who bring every freaking conversation back around to their child, regardless of their audience and how inappropriate it might be.
“Hey, how’s the weather?” “Oh, Julie just loves the sun. She was outside the other day in this cute little romper I got her…”
“Do you happen to know the name of a good plumber?” “Oh, I have the best guy. When Jimmy threw his GI Joe down the toilet, this guy came over. Oh, that Jimmy. Did I ever tell you about the time…”
This goes ahead and gets ramped up by about 1000 when you become a mother whose baby is gone. I think the reason that I bring this up today is because of my ex-stepsister (that sounds so very Cinderella-y – my biological dad married and divorced her mom, much simpler than it sounds). She’s several years younger than me, and accidentally got pregnant about three years ago. Now she’s pregnant again, also on accident – and bemoans daily how she’s “just going to have to deal with this.” Let me be honest – I understand that this isn’t her “right time,” but I fail to have a ton of sympathy. She knows how babies are made. There are approximately 30 different ways I can name offhand that you can prevent it from happening (especially twice). I think she could also be much more aware of her audience. I may not be the target demographic for this particular spiel.
However – it isn’t worth getting up in arms about this and giving her a whole “these are my needs” speech. I get frustrated when all others talk about to me is their child/children, and I don’t want to be the woman who keeps bringing up her trauma. It doesn’t do any good to be confrontational and to tell her off – all that does is suck me into a whirlwind of drama that I don’t need in my life. I don’t need to be worried about this crap.
Instead, I’ve been taking the Heathcliff Huxtable approach lately. I’m a huge fan of “The Cosby Show” (yeah, I said it). There is an episode from the first season or two where Cliff is trying to teach Elvin how to get along better with Sondra. He shows him that, when things are getting heated – just back off (does this little hands-in-the-air motion). Extricate yourself from the situation. It takes a lot more energy to go into it, and it can create bad blood later – for now, I’m just going to put my hands in the air and back away. There may be a better time in the future, there may not.
Physically - 7 Mentally – 8.5
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
“Hey, how’s the weather?” “Oh, Julie just loves the sun. She was outside the other day in this cute little romper I got her…”
“Do you happen to know the name of a good plumber?” “Oh, I have the best guy. When Jimmy threw his GI Joe down the toilet, this guy came over. Oh, that Jimmy. Did I ever tell you about the time…”
This goes ahead and gets ramped up by about 1000 when you become a mother whose baby is gone. I think the reason that I bring this up today is because of my ex-stepsister (that sounds so very Cinderella-y – my biological dad married and divorced her mom, much simpler than it sounds). She’s several years younger than me, and accidentally got pregnant about three years ago. Now she’s pregnant again, also on accident – and bemoans daily how she’s “just going to have to deal with this.” Let me be honest – I understand that this isn’t her “right time,” but I fail to have a ton of sympathy. She knows how babies are made. There are approximately 30 different ways I can name offhand that you can prevent it from happening (especially twice). I think she could also be much more aware of her audience. I may not be the target demographic for this particular spiel.
However – it isn’t worth getting up in arms about this and giving her a whole “these are my needs” speech. I get frustrated when all others talk about to me is their child/children, and I don’t want to be the woman who keeps bringing up her trauma. It doesn’t do any good to be confrontational and to tell her off – all that does is suck me into a whirlwind of drama that I don’t need in my life. I don’t need to be worried about this crap.
Instead, I’ve been taking the Heathcliff Huxtable approach lately. I’m a huge fan of “The Cosby Show” (yeah, I said it). There is an episode from the first season or two where Cliff is trying to teach Elvin how to get along better with Sondra. He shows him that, when things are getting heated – just back off (does this little hands-in-the-air motion). Extricate yourself from the situation. It takes a lot more energy to go into it, and it can create bad blood later – for now, I’m just going to put my hands in the air and back away. There may be a better time in the future, there may not.
Physically - 7 Mentally – 8.5
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
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