I went to the OB today for a checkup. He didn't do an ultrasound this week, but he did a manual check - he said everything felt long, closed, and tight. It was an amazing thing to hear... as was the baby's heartbeat. He had to hunt for it for a little bit, so I panicked silently while he was looking - but then there it was, and I could exhale. We'll do the full ultrasound on March 9 (cervical length and the full u/s), so I can't wait.
I have been pretty quiet (for me) lately, and I just wanted to thank everyone for their sweet messages and thoughts. I've just been really tired at night, thinking about Maddie a lot, and worried about a lot of stuff, so I tend to go to sleep after work. I am so grateful for the sweet thoughts.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Hunh.
You know what feels awesome? Sneezing with a cerclage in.
Not much new. OB appointment again on Wednesday, but he's only doing a manual exam. I may ask about ultrasounds frequency - I know scheduling only once a month is supposed to not irritate the cervix, but it just seems so long in-between.
It's been a hard few days thinking about Maddie. We turned 18 weeks this past Saturday - it was at exactly 18 weeks (also on a Saturday, since that's how the embryo transfer was scheduled) with her that we had her Level II ultrasound. It was so magical to see her little face, to see her nestling into me, to see her sucking her thumb. I am so very grateful for this baby, but I just miss my little girl. In another life, she would be wiggling next to me on the couch. That type of thinking doesn't accomplish much, but I can't help it every once in a while.
Not much new. OB appointment again on Wednesday, but he's only doing a manual exam. I may ask about ultrasounds frequency - I know scheduling only once a month is supposed to not irritate the cervix, but it just seems so long in-between.
It's been a hard few days thinking about Maddie. We turned 18 weeks this past Saturday - it was at exactly 18 weeks (also on a Saturday, since that's how the embryo transfer was scheduled) with her that we had her Level II ultrasound. It was so magical to see her little face, to see her nestling into me, to see her sucking her thumb. I am so very grateful for this baby, but I just miss my little girl. In another life, she would be wiggling next to me on the couch. That type of thinking doesn't accomplish much, but I can't help it every once in a while.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Doctor's Appointment
Today was a good day. We went to the OB and had our check-up. He didn't do a pelvic exam or an ultrasound, but I'll go back next week for the pelvic exam, two weeks after that for an ultrasound. It was so great - I told him all about my concerns and worries, and he actually talked to me. My peri was very, very capable, but not a great communicator. My OB explained that, yes, I will continue to shorten, but that he's going to watch it and treat it aggressively. My uterus was contracting before to practice for labor, which caused me to dilate because there was no resistance. Now there's resistance, so things are much more stable. I mentally know all of that, but it helps to hear it and actually feel someone believe it.
I know this relief and good feeling is probably temporary, but it's nice while it lasts. :)
I know this relief and good feeling is probably temporary, but it's nice while it lasts. :)
Monday, February 15, 2010
When Is It Not Too Soon?
When I was pregnant with Maddie, I got super into organizing everything really early. I created a registry at about 10 weeks - not because I wanted people to buy us stuff, but because it was an easy way to organize the purchases I wanted to make as I researched them. I went through hundreds of online reviews of the best car seats, cribs, video monitors, and then I added them to the registry as I decided upon things. We also purchased a lot of stuff pretty early for Maddie. Car seat/stroller combo, extra car seat base, crib and dresser, pack 'n play, video monitors, high chair, crib bedding set, a few diapers. My mom and grandma had gotten a lot of clothes, too.
All of those items are still here. The crib and dresser arrived three days after I delivered Maddie, and we still put them together so that we could spend time with them. The high chair sits in the dining room, the boxes for many of the other things sit downstairs in our entryway. It was so very hard to look at them for so long, and it still is - I see my little girl in each and every one of those items - not because they're things, but because I researched each and every item with so much care and love. Those things were/are so hard to look at, but they're Maddie's.
Now, we hope to share those with the new baby - but I can't bring myself to research any new items, to even think of ordering anything. I keep getting notifications that items for which we registered are discontinued (we moved the date of the original registry), and I just can't bring myself yet to go through and replace them. It just seems too soon still, at 17w2d - we're still 4 weeks short of when Maddie was born gestationally. I want to honor this baby with all of the excitement he/she deserves, but it's just so hard to feel sure enough about anything to do more than hope. A question mark just hangs over everything, and I hate that.
I'm sorry, this likely seems ungrateful - that's the furthest thing from the truth. I am so grateful for this baby every second. I pray for him/her about 5 - 10 times each day. I just don't know how to plan for the future when I worry so much.
All of those items are still here. The crib and dresser arrived three days after I delivered Maddie, and we still put them together so that we could spend time with them. The high chair sits in the dining room, the boxes for many of the other things sit downstairs in our entryway. It was so very hard to look at them for so long, and it still is - I see my little girl in each and every one of those items - not because they're things, but because I researched each and every item with so much care and love. Those things were/are so hard to look at, but they're Maddie's.
Now, we hope to share those with the new baby - but I can't bring myself to research any new items, to even think of ordering anything. I keep getting notifications that items for which we registered are discontinued (we moved the date of the original registry), and I just can't bring myself yet to go through and replace them. It just seems too soon still, at 17w2d - we're still 4 weeks short of when Maddie was born gestationally. I want to honor this baby with all of the excitement he/she deserves, but it's just so hard to feel sure enough about anything to do more than hope. A question mark just hangs over everything, and I hate that.
I'm sorry, this likely seems ungrateful - that's the furthest thing from the truth. I am so grateful for this baby every second. I pray for him/her about 5 - 10 times each day. I just don't know how to plan for the future when I worry so much.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Appointment today
I had my rescheduled peri appointment today. It went well, but I'm just not as confident as I could be.
First off, the baby looked great. 153 bpm, very active - but we couldn't see the gender because he/she is sitting breech. My cervical length is now 3.7, though. It's totally tight and not funneling, but shorter than it was. The doctor said this was still great, and he discharged me to my regular OB until I get the cerclage out, but I don't really feel good about the fact that these have been our measurements:
1/19 - 4.9-ish cm
1/26 - 4.15 cm
2/11 - 3.7 cm
That's more than a cm of loss in three weeks while on full bedrest. He said it's the overall picture that is important, and that it looks good, but it just worries me. He said I can be more active, but I should continue to work from home so I can lie down. I started P17 shots this past Sunday, so we'll continue those through 36 weeks.
I'm sorry this post is kind of a downer - I should be so excited, and I am. I just feel like this is so tenuous at best, and that something bad can happen at any second. I am so very blessed to have this baby, and this baby deserves us to be excited (which I am to a ridiculous degree) - but this is just so terrifying. Anyway. I have a regular OB appointment next week, so hopefully that goes well.
First off, the baby looked great. 153 bpm, very active - but we couldn't see the gender because he/she is sitting breech. My cervical length is now 3.7, though. It's totally tight and not funneling, but shorter than it was. The doctor said this was still great, and he discharged me to my regular OB until I get the cerclage out, but I don't really feel good about the fact that these have been our measurements:
1/19 - 4.9-ish cm
1/26 - 4.15 cm
2/11 - 3.7 cm
That's more than a cm of loss in three weeks while on full bedrest. He said it's the overall picture that is important, and that it looks good, but it just worries me. He said I can be more active, but I should continue to work from home so I can lie down. I started P17 shots this past Sunday, so we'll continue those through 36 weeks.
I'm sorry this post is kind of a downer - I should be so excited, and I am. I just feel like this is so tenuous at best, and that something bad can happen at any second. I am so very blessed to have this baby, and this baby deserves us to be excited (which I am to a ridiculous degree) - but this is just so terrifying. Anyway. I have a regular OB appointment next week, so hopefully that goes well.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Inspiration
A friend asked me recently who was the biggest source of inspiration to me during the hardest parts of our loss with Maddie. (I think that there are still times that are just as hard, but I understand the question.)
I think I've had a lot of very inspirational people in my life - people who have poured out their hearts and sympathy, who have loved our little girl despite many never even having seen her. There's one person, though, who knows loss, and whose strength and character have been a constant inspiration to me. (I hope he doesn't mind if I write this - I'll keep it anonymous.)
My friend, to whom I will refer as "C," lost both his young wife and the beautiful little boy she was carrying (just in the second trimester) a few years ago in a truly tragic home accident. After Maddie passed on, he was so kind and reached out to me in my grief - although most people only discussed the passing of his wife, C had been and is still truly grieving two separate loved ones.
This would make a lot of people jaded, angry, distant. I have been so inspired by the Christian, caring, loving attitude that this friend has displayed time and again. Even though he has so many things of his own to worry about, he reached out to me to share in my grief. I just don't know many people who are that strong and brave, and it has truly been something that I aspire to be.
I think I've had a lot of very inspirational people in my life - people who have poured out their hearts and sympathy, who have loved our little girl despite many never even having seen her. There's one person, though, who knows loss, and whose strength and character have been a constant inspiration to me. (I hope he doesn't mind if I write this - I'll keep it anonymous.)
My friend, to whom I will refer as "C," lost both his young wife and the beautiful little boy she was carrying (just in the second trimester) a few years ago in a truly tragic home accident. After Maddie passed on, he was so kind and reached out to me in my grief - although most people only discussed the passing of his wife, C had been and is still truly grieving two separate loved ones.
This would make a lot of people jaded, angry, distant. I have been so inspired by the Christian, caring, loving attitude that this friend has displayed time and again. Even though he has so many things of his own to worry about, he reached out to me to share in my grief. I just don't know many people who are that strong and brave, and it has truly been something that I aspire to be.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
A Bit of Relief
Well, so I posted yesterday that my peri appointment had to be moved to Thursday due to snow. (Since I'm a huge planner and incredibly impatient, this did not sit incredibly well.
So, of course, last night I started having some really odd, sharp pains that weren't normal, right around 9:45 or so. I've had lots of pressure and some cramping/pains since the cerclage, but this was new. It was sharper and I just wasn't comfortable with it. Since the snow was coming down hard, there was no way we could make it to the ER at the hospital that's 15 miles away, and the hospital just down the road from us is totally unprepared for my types of issues (they only have about 10 patient rooms, as it's a really small town).
I called the regular OB this morning, since they're way closer than the peri. I described my symptoms to a nurse, and she said that we should probably come in just to be safe. We got to the appointment, and they did an exam. Thank goodness, they're pretty sure it was just some really sharp ligament pain (apparently my ligaments are likely connected all of the way to the external organs, so I am feeling these much sharper than usual). The really good news is that my cervix was nice and long. She didn't do an ultrasound, but the examinations (both visual and manual) were positive - it sounds like I may have gotten some length back on the outside. I asked if she thought we should stay on the bedrest - she wants me to check with the peri, but it sounds like she thinks it's helping, and not worth stopping.
I feel like I can breathe for a bit - I know that I said a huge prayer of thanks for this blessing. It's too bad that we had to do the appointment on my husband's birthday right before he had to work - I'm sure he would have rather spent his morning relaxing!
So, of course, last night I started having some really odd, sharp pains that weren't normal, right around 9:45 or so. I've had lots of pressure and some cramping/pains since the cerclage, but this was new. It was sharper and I just wasn't comfortable with it. Since the snow was coming down hard, there was no way we could make it to the ER at the hospital that's 15 miles away, and the hospital just down the road from us is totally unprepared for my types of issues (they only have about 10 patient rooms, as it's a really small town).
I called the regular OB this morning, since they're way closer than the peri. I described my symptoms to a nurse, and she said that we should probably come in just to be safe. We got to the appointment, and they did an exam. Thank goodness, they're pretty sure it was just some really sharp ligament pain (apparently my ligaments are likely connected all of the way to the external organs, so I am feeling these much sharper than usual). The really good news is that my cervix was nice and long. She didn't do an ultrasound, but the examinations (both visual and manual) were positive - it sounds like I may have gotten some length back on the outside. I asked if she thought we should stay on the bedrest - she wants me to check with the peri, but it sounds like she thinks it's helping, and not worth stopping.
I feel like I can breathe for a bit - I know that I said a huge prayer of thanks for this blessing. It's too bad that we had to do the appointment on my husband's birthday right before he had to work - I'm sure he would have rather spent his morning relaxing!
Monday, February 08, 2010
Postponed
I was supposed to have my checkup with my peri tomorrow morning (he's located about 45 miles away from us), but it had to be cancelled due to the foot of snow that we're getting dumped on us (again) right now. No way we'd be able to get there tomorrow morning. We've been rescheduled for Thursday at 11 CST. I'm more than a little disappointed - I wanted to find out how things were going (especially because of the pain/pressure I've been having), I want to know if this bedrest is getting extended further, and we were hoping that maybe the baby would cooperate and show us his/her gender tomorrow (we're 16w2d right now - the baby has had his/her legs crossed at every other appointment). I just hate the snow - at this point, I don't even know how I'd get to the hospital if I needed to go. We live in a really small town that has a hospital, but it's not prepared at all for my issues - I doubt they even know what a cerclage is. I'm mostly just worried-worried-worried, and only feel like I breathe after our appointments - and even then it's only for a few hours!
I can't complain a whole ton, though - a pregnancy-after-loss friend was telling me about her friend who was supposed to have her IVF transfer this past weekend. Unfortunately, they live in D.C., so I'm guessing that didn't happen. :( It puts a lot into perspective.
I can't complain a whole ton, though - a pregnancy-after-loss friend was telling me about her friend who was supposed to have her IVF transfer this past weekend. Unfortunately, they live in D.C., so I'm guessing that didn't happen. :( It puts a lot into perspective.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Disappointed
There are times when I realize that the rest of the world just doesn't "get" baby loss - even those closest to us.
This is a totally random thing, but my grandmother joined Facebook this summer - about a week or two after I had Maddie, in fact. She put up a picture at the time explaining that she was a "mother, sister, Christian, grandmother, and hopefully greatgrandmother someday." I wasn't incredibly impressed with that at the time, but didn't say anything. Well, I have a cousin who is almost completely estranged from my grandparents and family, and she was due one day before Maddie's due date. She ended up having her little girl on Maddie's due date - it was a little tough, but we had just gotten our positive test from the FET, and I didn't say anything. Just now as I logged in after work, I noticed that my grandma posted a comment on that same picture saying, "Yay! Finally the great-grandmother of my granddaughter Maggie's beautiful little girl, Lane."
I know it's totally irrational, and it was on freaking Facebook, but that really bothered me. She'd already been a great-grandmother for four months when the kid was born. She'd held Maddie in the hospital, but will likely never (or very rarely) see this baby - but somehow that's the only great-grandchild who counts? I don't want to read into this too much, but what about MY baby? How can you hold the loveliest child ever, look in her beautiful face, and then just forget her?
I guess, though, that this is just really a lesson that everyone else's life goes on. People forget, or it's less awkward for them to just gloss over it. I don't expect much, but it's been months since most people have mentioned my little girl to me - I understand that from friends and acquaintances, as they don't understand that Maddie wasn't just a faceless entity... but my mother? My grandparents? That just seems really messed up to me. They saw the cleft in her chin like her daddy, that she had my nose and features. My heart aches for Maddie every single day - I just can't understand how theirs don't at least sometimes.
I know I'm just rehashing what I've said in the past, but sometimes it's just disappointing.
This is a totally random thing, but my grandmother joined Facebook this summer - about a week or two after I had Maddie, in fact. She put up a picture at the time explaining that she was a "mother, sister, Christian, grandmother, and hopefully greatgrandmother someday." I wasn't incredibly impressed with that at the time, but didn't say anything. Well, I have a cousin who is almost completely estranged from my grandparents and family, and she was due one day before Maddie's due date. She ended up having her little girl on Maddie's due date - it was a little tough, but we had just gotten our positive test from the FET, and I didn't say anything. Just now as I logged in after work, I noticed that my grandma posted a comment on that same picture saying, "Yay! Finally the great-grandmother of my granddaughter Maggie's beautiful little girl, Lane."
I know it's totally irrational, and it was on freaking Facebook, but that really bothered me. She'd already been a great-grandmother for four months when the kid was born. She'd held Maddie in the hospital, but will likely never (or very rarely) see this baby - but somehow that's the only great-grandchild who counts? I don't want to read into this too much, but what about MY baby? How can you hold the loveliest child ever, look in her beautiful face, and then just forget her?
I guess, though, that this is just really a lesson that everyone else's life goes on. People forget, or it's less awkward for them to just gloss over it. I don't expect much, but it's been months since most people have mentioned my little girl to me - I understand that from friends and acquaintances, as they don't understand that Maddie wasn't just a faceless entity... but my mother? My grandparents? That just seems really messed up to me. They saw the cleft in her chin like her daddy, that she had my nose and features. My heart aches for Maddie every single day - I just can't understand how theirs don't at least sometimes.
I know I'm just rehashing what I've said in the past, but sometimes it's just disappointing.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Just Chill...
Over the last several years of infertility treatments, as I've mentioned before, a lot of people have seen parts of me I'd rather not share. I don't just mean "a lot" - I mean a lot. Probably dozens. Having a high-risk pregnancy has ramped that up to the point where you kind of wake up every day knowing, "There's an outside chance a stranger is going to see my girl parts today."
After all of the panicking the last few days, I called my peri and left a message last night about the pains I've been having. Every time I hurt, I panic - yes, my total cervical length is over 4 cm (or was last week), but if I only have a half-centimeter on the outside... wouldn't that logically mean that the part on the outside is going to funnel to the stitch first? What happens then? I woke up this morning wondering if I was going to go down and get checked out sometime in the next few days (my next appointment isn't until next Tuesday, so I didn't know). The nurse called me back, though, and let me know that the pains I'm describing are probably pretty normal. Oh, well, that's great. But, as Michele from My Life After Loss just said (and she knows a thing or two about Shirodkar cerclages!), I have to just settle down and trust in the cerclage. It's there to do what it's supposed to do. Now I just have to breathe until next Tuesday.
After all of the panicking the last few days, I called my peri and left a message last night about the pains I've been having. Every time I hurt, I panic - yes, my total cervical length is over 4 cm (or was last week), but if I only have a half-centimeter on the outside... wouldn't that logically mean that the part on the outside is going to funnel to the stitch first? What happens then? I woke up this morning wondering if I was going to go down and get checked out sometime in the next few days (my next appointment isn't until next Tuesday, so I didn't know). The nurse called me back, though, and let me know that the pains I'm describing are probably pretty normal. Oh, well, that's great. But, as Michele from My Life After Loss just said (and she knows a thing or two about Shirodkar cerclages!), I have to just settle down and trust in the cerclage. It's there to do what it's supposed to do. Now I just have to breathe until next Tuesday.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Minor Freak-outs
My husband started a new job a little over four weeks ago, and is now working a really weird shift - 2-10 pm Monday through Thursday, and 6 am - 2 pm on Saturday. The job has been amazing, but it doesn't leave us a ton of time to see each other. With me being on bedrest, most of his time at home has been taking care of me.
Last night, however, I had a mini freak-out. Without getting into a ton of details (since I have guy friends who read the page), I have continued to have a few symptoms very occasionally that freak me out and convince me that the bed rest is for the best. Last night I had some symptoms and quite a lot of pressure/cramping - so I panicked, like any calm, rational woman would. I knew it wasn't contractions or anything, but I worry so much that I'm funneling past the cerclage on the outside (since it's so short).
Obviously, there wasn't much my husband could do to help from 15 miles away, but he talked me down off the ledge while I was on the phone with him. There's just absolutely nothing else I could do to make this go better - I'm eating everything right, resting, going to start the progesterone shots on Sunday, going to my appointments... I just can't control any of this. That's part of what's so terrifying, since I like to micromanage things, but I need to just trust God on this one.
Last night, however, I had a mini freak-out. Without getting into a ton of details (since I have guy friends who read the page), I have continued to have a few symptoms very occasionally that freak me out and convince me that the bed rest is for the best. Last night I had some symptoms and quite a lot of pressure/cramping - so I panicked, like any calm, rational woman would. I knew it wasn't contractions or anything, but I worry so much that I'm funneling past the cerclage on the outside (since it's so short).
Obviously, there wasn't much my husband could do to help from 15 miles away, but he talked me down off the ledge while I was on the phone with him. There's just absolutely nothing else I could do to make this go better - I'm eating everything right, resting, going to start the progesterone shots on Sunday, going to my appointments... I just can't control any of this. That's part of what's so terrifying, since I like to micromanage things, but I need to just trust God on this one.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Odds & Ends
It's kind of hard to have a lot to write about when you're lying on your back 24/7. All I care about right at this moment is that the baby appears to be doing great.
My husband and I were chatting about some of the ultrasound techs we've had lately. The ones at my RE's office are just awesome, the one at my peri seems really nice - but the one at the hospital was a pill. I kept trying to make witty remarks to come up with some kind of rapport, but it's like she refused to enjoy the fact that she was witnessing a miracle every time she turned on the ultrasound - or to be sympathetic to how worried I was after the cerclage. I guess it's just my opinion, but if you're putting anything called a "wand" near me and it doesn't have the word "magic" in front of it, you could at least try and make me feel a little better.
I miss Maddie desperately today. It's so hard to realize that this was God's will, but I know it is and that she's happier now than she ever would have been on Earth. She's safe and at peace, and that's really all I can ask as a mother - but it just hurts so much to not have her. I think it's probably just that the flutters, etc. remind me so much of our pregnancy with her.
I want to apologize if me talking about Baby Jota hurts anyone in any way. I know the freshness and rawness of baby loss - I still feel it every day. I know that you have a pang of jealousy when others are pregnant, and I feel bad if my mentioning the pregnancy makes anyone feel bad. I guess all I can do is blog about what's important to me, and hope that others protect themselves if it's too hard to read.
My husband and I were chatting about some of the ultrasound techs we've had lately. The ones at my RE's office are just awesome, the one at my peri seems really nice - but the one at the hospital was a pill. I kept trying to make witty remarks to come up with some kind of rapport, but it's like she refused to enjoy the fact that she was witnessing a miracle every time she turned on the ultrasound - or to be sympathetic to how worried I was after the cerclage. I guess it's just my opinion, but if you're putting anything called a "wand" near me and it doesn't have the word "magic" in front of it, you could at least try and make me feel a little better.
I miss Maddie desperately today. It's so hard to realize that this was God's will, but I know it is and that she's happier now than she ever would have been on Earth. She's safe and at peace, and that's really all I can ask as a mother - but it just hurts so much to not have her. I think it's probably just that the flutters, etc. remind me so much of our pregnancy with her.
I want to apologize if me talking about Baby Jota hurts anyone in any way. I know the freshness and rawness of baby loss - I still feel it every day. I know that you have a pang of jealousy when others are pregnant, and I feel bad if my mentioning the pregnancy makes anyone feel bad. I guess all I can do is blog about what's important to me, and hope that others protect themselves if it's too hard to read.
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