There are times when I realize that the rest of the world just doesn't "get" baby loss - even those closest to us.
This is a totally random thing, but my grandmother joined Facebook this summer - about a week or two after I had Maddie, in fact. She put up a picture at the time explaining that she was a "mother, sister, Christian, grandmother, and hopefully greatgrandmother someday." I wasn't incredibly impressed with that at the time, but didn't say anything. Well, I have a cousin who is almost completely estranged from my grandparents and family, and she was due one day before Maddie's due date. She ended up having her little girl on Maddie's due date - it was a little tough, but we had just gotten our positive test from the FET, and I didn't say anything. Just now as I logged in after work, I noticed that my grandma posted a comment on that same picture saying, "Yay! Finally the great-grandmother of my granddaughter Maggie's beautiful little girl, Lane."
I know it's totally irrational, and it was on freaking Facebook, but that really bothered me. She'd already been a great-grandmother for four months when the kid was born. She'd held Maddie in the hospital, but will likely never (or very rarely) see this baby - but somehow that's the only great-grandchild who counts? I don't want to read into this too much, but what about MY baby? How can you hold the loveliest child ever, look in her beautiful face, and then just forget her?
I guess, though, that this is just really a lesson that everyone else's life goes on. People forget, or it's less awkward for them to just gloss over it. I don't expect much, but it's been months since most people have mentioned my little girl to me - I understand that from friends and acquaintances, as they don't understand that Maddie wasn't just a faceless entity... but my mother? My grandparents? That just seems really messed up to me. They saw the cleft in her chin like her daddy, that she had my nose and features. My heart aches for Maddie every single day - I just can't understand how theirs don't at least sometimes.
I know I'm just rehashing what I've said in the past, but sometimes it's just disappointing.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
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20 comments:
AKD, I would be heartbroken by that. I'm so sorry.
I know how you feel. Especially because my sister is pregnant. I just feel like everyone has already forgotten Wyatt. My family even seems to talk to me like I wasn't just pregnant. They'll explain how my sister feels being pregnant?!? Yeah, I remember. Sometimes I think people just try to forget anything that's not all happy.
I'm so sorry your grandmother did that. Thinking about you!
Megan, it helps so much to know I'm not overreacting. Thank you SO much.
Cape Girl - I know exactly what you're talking about! "Oh, she's just moody from the pregnancy," or "you know how people get morning sickness?" Yeah, we're acutely aware, we just did it. Just because our babies aren't here doesn't mean they don't exist.
Oh I'm sorry your grandmother did that :( *hug*
I think if I didn't read blogs of women who've had these experiences (unfortunately), I might be scared to bring up the loss of a baby - not wanting to bring up pain for the parents or thinking that the parents would be offended that I shared something personal with people who they may not have wanted to know (like in the case of facebook). I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses for your grandmother though. I just wanted to share my pov as an "outsider".
That helps a ton, Jill - and I do understand that it has to be a really hard gray area for people. And I'm sure it is different with different parents - some want to talk, some don't. You're incredibly sweet, Jill.
There are many people in my life who try to understand my heartache and loss, but I have come to realize that no one truly understands unless they have a similar loss.
I am so sorry to hear that your grandmother did that. I would be crushed. I wish everyone could accept our loss and our babies.
I am happy that we have found one another. I would give you a HUGE hug if I could reach right through this darn computer screen. : )
Oh, Jill, I am giving you a huge hug right back - I am also so glad we found each other!
I think you hit it - nobody can truly understand if they haven't done this. It makes me really appreciate those who try. They are so precious.
I have experienced this many times. Sadly, in my experience, it has been family members who are the worst about it. I don't know if it's because they have a different way of dealing with their pain or what. I know they were incredibly hurt and grieve the loss of our sons, but they never want to mention it and act weird if I do. I think some people have an old fashioned idea that grief is supposed to be kept private, you don't talk about stuff like that . . .and that it's not healthy to "dwell on it," you should just "move on." I get that impression anyway. I think it's FAR healthier to remember and talk about your feelings. It hurts so much when the people you feel SHOULD care the most don't seem to. I try to cut them some slack, but at times, it can be hard. I am going to do the March for Babies, and I made a team in memory of my sons. I have had 9 people sign up so far . . .only one of which is family. :( And, when asked, my parents will always say they have 4 grandchildren, when, in fact, they have 6. Anyway, I am so sorry that any of us have to go through all of this. I need to get a new, anonymous blog and not tell my family about it . . .I wrote a lot about grief, and one day someone left a huge anonymous comment about how I needed to stop expecting friends and family to deal with it . . .how I needed to FIX IT myself, and if I couldn't, go to counseling . . .it was horrible. After that, I realized I couldn't be honest about my feelings because the wrong people were reading it and not understanding. *hugs*
"Fix it"?! That is one of the most ignorant things I have ever heard - and seems specifically hurtful. I am so sorry that you have to endure that - I am amazed at your strength in still respecting them so much. Hugs to you!
*hugs* that hurts me just to read that. that's like people saying i am not a mommy because both my babies are in Heaven (of course it was well-intentioned: you will be a mom, i pray you'll be a mom someday), but it still did not feel great.
i'm sorry that you are hurting because of that comment. I am sure that she would never intentionally say something to hurt you, but as you said the rest of the world move on and forget our joy and sorrow of our children no longer with us.
hugs
I have always found the grief of my family and in-laws to be a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' sort of thing . . . I want them to grieve and remember and honor Quinn's memory, but I don't want them to claim it as their own and make it all about themselves. I would think that your grandmother, having met and held Maddie, would be a bit more conscious of the fact that she is as much her great grandchild as your cousin's child.
Hugs.
I would be crushed if I read that. I'm so, so sorry.
{{HUGS}}
You guys are so sweet. I just want to thank everyone - it is nice to hear that the loneliness isn't just me, and that others walk a fine line with it.
I'm sorry you had to see that. I wish she had been more thoughtful.
I understand what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for someone to mention her. I'll open so many doors in the conversation, but they rarely walk through and do as I hope. It can be a very isolating feeling.
Angie, that would have broken my heart too...sometimes we need to get out our feelings even if they are repetitive. That is how we are feeling at the time.
I am hoping deep down she still rememberes Maddie. *hugs*
Oh, I totally understand. I would be heartbroken by this, too. We are really the only ones that remember and are going to mention our babies most of the time. But that doens't make it easier to understand why others don't. I'm so sorry; I know how much this hurts.
Sending you hugs!
Christy
Oh no... I would be livid and heartbroken. I would also say something. I just dont think I could let it go.
Oh, honey :( Reading this just made me feel ill on your behalf. Maddie is her great-grandchild as well. We don't erase the existence of someone who lived 5, 10 or even 20 years. Why do so to a child who lived only briefly? It makes me so upset.
Some people you'll never get to understand how much their callousness hurts you. Do you think it would do any good to gently remind her Maddie was her great-grandchild as well?
I'm so sorry. I know the pain is so great and I'm sorry she can't seem to understand that.
(((hugs)))
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