When I was pregnant with Maddie, I got super into organizing everything really early. I created a registry at about 10 weeks - not because I wanted people to buy us stuff, but because it was an easy way to organize the purchases I wanted to make as I researched them. I went through hundreds of online reviews of the best car seats, cribs, video monitors, and then I added them to the registry as I decided upon things. We also purchased a lot of stuff pretty early for Maddie. Car seat/stroller combo, extra car seat base, crib and dresser, pack 'n play, video monitors, high chair, crib bedding set, a few diapers. My mom and grandma had gotten a lot of clothes, too.
All of those items are still here. The crib and dresser arrived three days after I delivered Maddie, and we still put them together so that we could spend time with them. The high chair sits in the dining room, the boxes for many of the other things sit downstairs in our entryway. It was so very hard to look at them for so long, and it still is - I see my little girl in each and every one of those items - not because they're things, but because I researched each and every item with so much care and love. Those things were/are so hard to look at, but they're Maddie's.
Now, we hope to share those with the new baby - but I can't bring myself to research any new items, to even think of ordering anything. I keep getting notifications that items for which we registered are discontinued (we moved the date of the original registry), and I just can't bring myself yet to go through and replace them. It just seems too soon still, at 17w2d - we're still 4 weeks short of when Maddie was born gestationally. I want to honor this baby with all of the excitement he/she deserves, but it's just so hard to feel sure enough about anything to do more than hope. A question mark just hangs over everything, and I hate that.
I'm sorry, this likely seems ungrateful - that's the furthest thing from the truth. I am so grateful for this baby every second. I pray for him/her about 5 - 10 times each day. I just don't know how to plan for the future when I worry so much.
Monday, February 15, 2010
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22 comments:
You do NOT at ALL seem ungrateful! I am going through the exact same things. We were having twins and they kept warning us that twins come "early" (if we only knew just how early). So after we had our 19 week scan, we went nuts! Bought a minivan, two cribs, all sorts of stuff. DId my whole registry.
Canceling those, taking those down, all of that was so incredibly hard. So I am absolutely terrified to do anything at all. I can't research anything. In the back of my mind I just wondered if we could just buy what we needed on the way home from the hospital? But I know that's not realistic either. I don't know when is not too soon. Gotta be a personal decision. But whenever it is you decide, we're here for you.
You're SO not alone!
Love to you.
Oh, Christy, I'm so sorry that you're having the same fears and worries. You're right - I keep thinking, "Should I just wait until the way home?" A girlfriend wants to throw us a shower, but I don't even know when I'd feel comfortable having one. 36 weeks?
I am sending love to you, as well. I hope this just goes so well for both of us. :)
You don't sound ungrateful at all!
We won't be trying again until this summer, but I'm already nervous about even thinking of looking at baby stuff. I think we're going to have to send someone shopping after the baby is delivered - hopefully at full term!
Megan - you have nailed it, I want a shopper for all of this stuff so that it's easier. I ust can't look online. Thinking of you.
Christy, take all the time you need. I can imagine the fears and worries are so overwhelming. Those who love you will understand. You don't seem ungrateful, you seem to just be dealing with the fact that something completely unthinkable happened to you, and all of a sudden you remember...anything can happen.
Take your time, you have time.
That is so sweet, Mary. :)
I think it makes perfect sense that you wouldn't yet feel "safe" in this pregnancy when you haven't even reached the same stage where you gave birth to Maddie. Take as much time as you need to feel "ready" to make those decisions and purchases. Your feelings are the only ones that matter!
It's so weird to be scared of nesting, but that is kind of what it is. You are such a sweetheart. :)
You don't sound ungrateful at all. Give yourself time. If you feel like looking into an item or buying something then do it, if you don't, don't worry about it for now. Even if you havent purchased anything else when the baby is born, everything will work out. You can get the essentials right before the baby is born (or even right after) and shopping for baby things with an actual baby will be so wonderful!
Thank you so much, Jill - and you're right, it will be so special to get things with the baby. As you know, it isn't about the stuff, it's the emotions involved... But everything is laden with emotion.
The week before Quinn was born and died I had gone shopping for Cooper and Maren. The deals were so good that I ended-up getting a bunch of stuff to outfit her well past her 1st birthday. I cried the entire way to the store to return the items, blubbering through an explanation of why I was returning everything. With Briar, I bought a few things when I made it to the 3rd trimester, but only washed 1 outfit and 1 blanket for her to come home in - I spent that afternoon cutting tags and doing laundry. For me, part of doing as little as possible to get ready for Briar's arrival was how I protected myself and set myself up for as little disappointment as possible.
I wish I could say there is a magical day when you will wake up and decide that everything is going to be just fine and you can go ahead and plan the rest of your life, but you and I both know there is no such date. Do what you are comfortable with - and if that means sending friends or family or your husband to the store the day before you come home from delivering a healthy baby to buy diapers, then so be it. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health right now.
(And today was one of those days when I pulled up your blog and was immediately struck by Maddie's picture - she is just so perfect and beautiful.)
It means so much to know I am not alone in this. And you are exactly right - it is self-protection. Quinn and Maddie - they are our perfect babies, and they taught us caution. It is not withholding love at ALL - it is just protecting ourselves and our babies.
I just can't even tell you how much that means. She is just lovely, isn't she? I was organizing some pictures of her today and realized again that she's just perfect. Thank you so much. :). Hugs!
You arent ungrateful; just nervous. For me, doing things helped. I did them early and just hoped and prayed for the best. I just needed to know they were done and that we were prepared, come what may.
I completely understand where you're coming from. And you don't seem ungrateful, just cautious. What happened with Maddie was horrible and I think you have to protect yourself this time. Take your time! Thinking about you.
I don't think you sound ungraterful at all. I can't imagine what it must be like to have all of Maddie's things to look at everyday. I feel like we were lucky that our loss was early enough that all we had was 1 little hat. That hat breaks my heart and i hold it when I am having a bad day, so I just can't imagine. You will not when it is not too soon. It will just feel right for you.
I am with you! I am 23 weeks and have done nothing! It's hard, the farther along I get the more I am turning the corner of accepting that I need to get things ready, but I think I will wait till the last minute! ((hugs)) thinking of you!
I don't think you seem ungrateful! I've never once gotten that vibe from you.
I was the same way with Madelyn - I had already filled in my registry at Babies R' Us, and all that was left would have been to go in and delete whichever patterns we didn't need once we found out if we were having a boy or a girl (I put one of each of most things). But we found out at 20 weeks that something was wrong, so we never got the chance to buy much. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to think about sharing her things with this baby, but how difficult it also must be to think about buying with all the fears. I don't know what we'll do when the time comes. It is definitely hard to find that balance between excitement about the next baby while still mourning for the last one. I'm already feeling that, even though we're not pregnant yet.
Thank you so much, you guys. It helps so much to know that I'm not irrational to be afraid, to be worried. You're all right, it's just going to take time. I'm thinking of you all as some of you go through the concern right now, others prepare for it in the future, and others still remember the worry. HUGS.
You definately don't sound ungrateful. You are just reflecting on the fact that you planned these for Maddie and although you will use them with Jota, you are nervous to plan new items for Jota. I think its the naivity that is lost after we loose a child. *hugs*
Thinking about you amiga. You will know in your heart when it is time to do it. Hugs, Lizy
I'm going to register on saturday at 28 weeks. I still feel like it's too early.
I'm thinking of you today - I hope your appointment goes great!
I hadn't even started to think about those things with Ella. I think it was my intuition that knew things wouldn't be okay. This time, I've decided that after 28 weeks, I'll allow myself to make purchases. Though, I've started to look at some things like researching cloth diapers. I don't want a shower. My husband wants to do one after she arrives. We'll see. I want to celebrate her life too, but I don't want to do it with all the people who never even sent a card when Ella died and ignored us this year. So, it would be a shower with like 4 people. Do what's in your heart and feels right. xxoo
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