25 weeks and 2 days - Picky Eater

Even under normal circumstances, I am what you might call a "picky eater." Always have been - there are some foods I've just never liked since I was a baby. I have a really strong gag reflex, and for some reason texture is a big thing to me (mashed potatoes have no consistency, for example - and I usually put potato chips for texture on a lunch meat sandwich, like turkey, if I eat one). I tend to find a "safe food" - I love lots of different Mexican dishes, for example, but tend to stick to enchiladas and rice. You can almost bet money that I'll get alfredo if I go to an Italian restaurant. Indian food, I get curry. Safe foods.


This has proven to make eating during pregnancy a little limiting. My peri doesn't want me throwing up since it puts pressure on the cervix (and I can only take so much Zofran and Phenergen), and almost any food that's rich will send me kneeling. Barbecue sauce guarantees a bad night. My beloved alfredo is out, as is red sauce - leaving me with pretty much oil or butter sauces at Italian restaurants. Mexican food is a crap shoot - it entirely depends on what my stomach is doing that day. My poor husband has had to adapt to eating nothing much more exciting than chicken nuggets the past couple of months. I'm so lucky that he is putting up with me.

All of this just reminds me of how blessed and excited I am to feel like crap, though, and how I will gladly feel like crap the whole pregnancy if it means that the baby is safe. (Granted, that doesn't really change the fact that I feel like crap.) I got either a super-bad case of morning sickness or some light flu yesterday and had to go home from work, or else the options were that I was either going to throw up or fall asleep at my desk (neither of which would have impressed my coworkers much). I'm just going to have to find some way to adapt better - I can't sleep through the night, so I may have to just start going to bed even earlier.

25 weeks and 1 day - 101st post

Well, after talking with my grief counselor and my husband, I made a decision about telling my family about the baby at our Christmas celebration at the loud restaurant (see yesterday's blog for history).


I should probably give a little history as to why this has been an issue for me at all – I don’t need to go into the full history here, but I’ll just give a couple of brief examples that backup my decision. I really, really want to keep this pregnancy quiet with the general public until we’re at a point (probably after the cerclage) where we feel comfortable sharing. Seeing as how this is OUR pregnancy and baby, I don’t feel like that’s an unreasonable request. I made a similar request when I was pregnant with Maddie, but my mom (whom I love) instantly told everyone in our family, as well as her friends and students in her college class (she even showed them pictures of my ultrasounds, even though I’ve never met any of them) as early as 6 weeks into the pregnancy, all for attention. When we found out Maddie was a little girl, I called her first and let her know. She instantly called my grandfather, who was fishing with my dad (who was second on my list), and “accidentally” told them before I had a chance to call Dad and tell him her gender. She wanted to be the one to get the attention of telling the news. With this pregnancy, I want the opportunity for my husband and I to share what we want with whom we want. We want that joy. And we want to do it when we know the baby is safely in the second trimester, because we don’t want to deal with all of the broken expectations and questions if (and I pray it doesn’t) something goes wrong.

So, we’ve decided to just not go to the Christmas celebration, and we’ll just tell my family after the cerclage. Past behavior usually predicts future behavior – and, even with the speech I have prepared, I don’t think that I can trust them with this. I hate saying that, but it’s true. Since my husband will be starting a job and unable to get time off of work for my cerclage, I have told my dad so that he can pick me up from the hospital the next morning if need be, and my husband’s mom will be visiting from California – she plans on staying with me overnight in the hospital. I don’t need any more stress. I would just go to Christmas with everyone and not tell them, but the stress of this is getting me worked up (which I can’t have) – and, more notably, there’s not really any way I could hide the bump. I’m a little under 5’2” and fairly small, so I’m showing quite a bit already (and have been for a few weeks). I hope I’m not a horrible person for doing this.

25 weeks - "polite conversation"

I don’t think that most people who meet me think of me as uber-ladylike. I grew up with a lot of guy friends, so I’m pretty used to conversations ranging on different topics. However, when it comes to myself, I really only participate in what I like to call “polite conversation” most of the time.


Let me illustrate. When my OB asks me about my regularity during pregnancy, I can barely squeak out an answer. I made my parents go and get any feminine products I might need throughout the entirety of high school, while I waited in the car. So, when the nurse at the peri’s office asked if I track cervical mucus, I think she could tell the answer by the horrified look on my face. I’m not a prude - I don’t mind if people talk about these things to me, but it’s certainly not something about which I’m going to share (or even think) willingly, even with my doctor if I can avoid it.

I just bring this up because it is so weird to compare this with what you have to “just get used to” when doing IVF and infertility treatments. I don’t really have any problems sharing what I’m injecting into my body today, what the process involves, and so on. I’m not all that comfortable with the constant stream of new people checking out my goods, but it just seems so weird that I will do that, and not talk about poop. Hunh.

Things are going well. 10w3d pregnant today. I live in a constant state of fatigue and nausea, but I’m happy to have the opportunity. I have my next OB appointment a week from today. We had planned on telling my family on New Year’s (they postponed our Christmas due to weather), but now they want to get together at a restaurant in town that, while delicious, most closely resembles a cattle barn in terms of noise. I’m not sharing news like this in that environment. They may just find out after the cerclage, or whenever I choose to tell them.  We rarely get together anymore, so it's not like they'll see my stomach that is protruding more and more daily (I've been in maternity pants for three weeks).  I'm not sure what to do.

24 weeks and 6 days - Sleep-talking

I am normally a big sleep-talker, even under normal conditions. However, I have been on Ambien (a sleep medicine) since losing Maddie. My OB said it was 100% safe during pregnancy and breast-feeding, and it’s really the only way that I can get to sleep at all at night. To add to my sleep-talking, it tends to loop me out for just a little while if I’m still awake when it kicks in.


My husband was staying up late the other night, so he came and tucked me in after I’d taken the pill and been in bed for a while. I have absolutely no recollection of the entire conversation, or even of him coming into the bedroom at any point, but apparently I began to tell him my list of what we needed at the grocery store when he went the next day in a very lucid manner. He gently pointed out that it was probably a conversation for the next day – at which point, I apparently burst into tears and told him how worried I am about the baby, about losing the pregnancy, about something happening to him or her, about my body failing the baby again like it failed Maddie.

I wasn’t really surprised when he told me this the next morning, and I don’t think this was exactly a coincidence – I cry with worry every single day that something is going to happen, I pray I don’t know how many times a day that the baby is safe, I have all of these concerns… but I try not to share them with anyone, because how many people in our everyday lives really understand? I know every pregnant mother worries about their baby, but I have held my baby girl and then had to say goodbye. There’s no “chilling out” about a pregnancy after doing that, but that’s what people like to think is helpful advice. I don’t even want to burden my husband with this worry, because it’s just too much. I don’t just worry about losing the baby – I worry about even after if he/she’s born healthy. I worry that I won’t be able to protect the child all of the time, and something will happen (watching a couple of Law & Order: SVU marathons recently admittedly didn’t help this much). I try and just keep the crazy inside, but I’m not surprised that this came out while I was asleep and unable to control it. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

24 weeks and 4 days - So This Was Christmas

I hate negative posts.  I try not to make them.

Yesterday was a little rough.  I felt just awful - the morning sickness was ramped up so that I slept or was sick all day (for which I am incredibly grateful, because it's a miracle I'm pregnant).  JTD and I didn't go anywhere, because this was the fourth holiday in a row that my family decided to postpone or cancel at the last minute (which kind of screws up making plans with our other families).  I was having a pretty hard time with not having Maddie here, so I called my dad's side of the family - my grandma (the one who recently found out that she had breast cancer) found out on Christmas Eve that the prognosis wasn't very good, so I heard her cry for the first time since my grandfather died, back when I was 5. 

After all of that, we sat at home and kind of tried to focus on the good things, because that wasn't any way to spend Christmas.  We are so grateful for each other, for his new job, for Maddie being safe and happy, for this amazing chance to hopefully bring this child into this world.  All in all, we are just so blessed.  This may not have been the Christmas we'd planned, but we are grateful for the oppportunties we've been given.

Hope everyone had a very merry holiday.

24 weeks and 2 days - Christmas Cheer

Yesterday was a great day. My husband got offered a job that he had been really wanting, and will start on January 4. He had been working at a place that made him miserable, so we’re very excited. A lot of this year has been hard (in ways I can’t number), but we’re so blessed in so many ways.


I do have to admit that I am a little tired of people pointing that out to me because it’s Christmas, however. I know I’m blessed - I know exactly what has happened in my life (better than anyone else), but I’m allowed to mourn. I’m allowed to be sad and want my daughter back. I don’t really know anyone in my everyday life who has been through this, and so nobody really has the right to tell me how to feel. I just smile and say, “Thank you,” but I am a little frustrated with that forced cheer from others.

That’s not a very merry thought. Here’s a better one – I hope that everyone has a safe, warm Christmas, filled with love and warm memories. May the new decade be a good one for everyone.

24 weeks and 2 days - Christmas Cheer

Yesterday was a great day. My husband got offered a job that he had been really wanting, and will start on January 4. He had been working at a place that made him miserable, so we’re very excited. A lot of this year has been hard (in ways I can’t number), but we’re so blessed in so many ways.


I do have to admit that I am a little tired of people pointing that out to me because it’s Christmas, however. I know I’m blessed, but I’m allowed to mourn. I’m allowed to be sad and want my daughter back. I don’t really know anyone in my everyday life who has been through this, and so nobody really has the right to tell me how to feel. I just smile and say, “Thank you,” but I am a little frustrated with that forced cheer.

That’s not a very merry thought. Here’s a better one – I hope that everyone has a safe, warm Christmas, filled with love and warm memories. May the new decade be a good one for everyone.

24 weeks and 1 day - Nervous Again

I didn’t post anything yesterday because I was at home with my feet up. I know I’m probably worrying too much about certain symptoms, but I’m just nervous.


Hoping that everyone has the merriest of Christmases!

23 weeks and 6 days - Beautiful

There are so many times that it feels like the rest of the world has moved on from remembering Maddie. While I understand this is normal, and want to honor her memory as I can, I was greatly moved this past week by two actions.


A friend and his wife who have been rocks throughout everything sent us a Christmas present on Friday. I got it home, and we were so touched to see this (sorry for the crummy cell phone picture):

My husband’s first comment was that the little nose was mine and Maddie’s, as were the cheeks. We had decided for a bunch of reasons not to put the tree up this year, but this is going to hold a special place year-round, anyway.

A coworker also told me when he gave us our Christmas card that he had donated in Maddie’s name to the March of Dimes. This really, really touched my heart.

I am so lucky that my daughter inspires love like this. I’m so blessed to have such a gift in my life.

23 weeks and 3 days - Jota

A few days before the embryo transfer, I turned to my husband as we were going to bed and said, “If this works, we need to come up with a name that either starts with an ‘H’ or a ‘J.” He just looked at me and asked why. I explained that I thought it would be fun to nickname the baby with those letters in the Spanish alphabet – call the baby “Hache” (pronounced “ah-chay”) if we chose an H name, or “Jota” (pronounced “ho-ta”) if we chose a J name. He shook his head, told me he was not on board, and we went to bed. (To his defense, I was mostly just having fun. He’s Dutch/Irish and I’m German/British – it’s not like we have a rich Latino background. I just took a lot of Spanish in high school.)


Well, I’ve still taken to calling the baby “Jota” to irk him, even though we don’t even have any J names on the list. :)  So, as I promised yesterday evening, here is the 3D picture of Baby Jota (the 2D ones were a little fuzzy and/or involved the baby standing on his/her head):

23 weeks and 2 days - So Beautiful

Just got home from a day full of doctors appointments!

I was a little afraid of the way the day started out.  I woke up around 4 a.m. with horrible morning sickness - I was getting sick so hard that I have broken blood vessels all over my face today.  Then I just remembered that morning sickness is a GOOD sign, and was able to sleep again.

My perinatologist appointment went really well.  The cerclage is scheduled for Monday, January 18 at 9 a.m. - I'll be 13 weeks and 2 days at that time.  We'll be doing the Shirodkar (my peri only does those), I'll be staying in the hospital overnight for observation, and I'll have the choice of a spinal or general anesthesia.  After being told by three doctors today that it wouldn't hurt the baby, I'll probably opt for general - I'm kind of high-strung, and I'm pretty sure the doctor would want to punch me if I were awake.  My husband's mom will be in town from California at that time, so she'll be able to stay home with me.  A quick exam showed that I'm doing well right now (and two new people are on the list now who have seen my girl parts - awesome!).  We did a regular belly ultrasound there - the heartbeat was 173 bpm, and I was measuring 8 weeks 6 days (1 day ahead of where I am - which is a first for me!).  I got a wonderful 3D shot of baby that I'll try and scan tomorrow and post.

My RE appointment went well.  I have just the most wonderful fertility doctor on Earth - he gave me two huge hugs and let me know I'm his favorite patient.  :)  We talked a bit about the cerclage, and we did a TV ultrasound.  Baby was still measuring 8w6d, and the heartbeat there was 183 bpm.  The baby was standing on its head for that whole ultrasound, which made me laugh!  He graduated me - we're doing great!

The only sad part of today was filling out all of the forms at the peri's office.  There were a couple of different places where they ask, "How many pregnancies have you had (including this one)?"  I wrote in 3.  The next question was, "How many have resulted in live births?"  Sigh.  Let's pray that the answer changes from 0 to 1 next July - but there wasn't a better way to ask that?

All in all, a great day.  I knew that praying a lot and wearing my lucky underwear had to work out.  :)

23 weeks and 1 day - Best Case Scenario

A friend asked me the other day for an update on the pregnancy, and how things were going. I explained where we were at with appointments, roughly when I thought the cerclage would be, how our last ultrasound went. He listened closely, and then said, “Wow, it sounds like everything is really going according to the best case scenario.” For some reason, that struck me. I get so focused on orchestrating shots and appointments, trying to make sure I’m grateful for every moment, worrying and overanalyzing… that I forget that everything is (knock on every bit of wood I can find) going the best it possibly could. Even though the odds (and finances!) were against it, medicine and a miracle came together. I’ve got a fantastic OB, a great doctor who is going to do my cerclage, and all I can do at this point is just trust that God put us on this path for a reason.


Tomorrow afternoon, I have a couple of appointments. I’ll go in the early afternoon to meet my high-risk OB and probably schedule the cerclage. I’ve done a lot of research on him since deciding on the Shirodkar, and he’s fantastic – does a lot of research studies on pre-term labor, went to great schools, etc. I’ll then have my 8.5 week ultrasound at my RE’s office – I’m so nervous and excited, I want to make sure everything is okay, and just keep worrying that it’s not. I’ll try and post in the evening when I get home and have more info…

22 weeks and 6 days - "Acceptable"

I had someone recently tell me how well they thought I was doing with Maddie’s passing. I just smiled and said thank you, but thought about how deceiving appearances are.


There is, whether it’s right or not, a statute of limitations on how long you can “acceptably” bring up your child’s death to people. Facebook status updates, mentioning my child in conversation and e-mail, etc. – there’s a finite amount of time where that is something that I personally feel comfortable doing. What happened to my baby (and so many others) is a horrible, awful tragedy – but it’s my husband’s and my tragedy. It’s not really anyone else’s. I don’t want people to remember Maddie out of some dull sense of duty, or because I force them into it – I want them to remember her out of love, and to honor her beautiful memory. I don’t want to force people to pity me – that doesn’t do anything good for either of us.

So, I’ve taken to usually not mentioning Maddie unless it’s truly appropriate to the conversation. If someone asks me how I’m doing, I say “fine.” I will take care of myself as I need, but people don’t necessarily need to know the full answer – they don’t want it when they ask that question. They don’t need to know that I cry for her every day – it doesn’t increase or decrease my memories of and love for her. There are some relationships that become closer and some that fall away after the loss of a child, but in time, it’s natural that the topic fades from others’ minds. All I need to do is make sure she never fades from mine.

Half-post

Cheryl was really sweet, and asked in my comments about info on the cancer I've had previously.  I didn't want her to have to go wading through other comments for my response, so I figured I'd make a quick blog about it.

One of the reasons I really am strongly recommended every year to get a flu shot is because I had cancer a couple of times.  The tumor first showed up when I was about 8 years old, but was misdiagnosed until it was removed when I was 16.  I then had a recurrance at age 22, at which time I had radiation.  It's a very rare type of cancer, and is incredibly rare in children - it's a cancer of the salivary gland, and I was only the 16th child ever recorded with it.  Luckily, it's an incredibly slow-growing type of cancer - but it means that, instead of chance of recurrance going down at 5 years, it increases for me.

I had a PET scan (a very intensive full-body scan that's supposed to find areas of high metabolization, which often indicates malignancies) this summer that came back clean, so that's good news.  It's unlikely that the cancers had anything to do with my infertility, since I exhibited the symptoms of PCOS in my teen years, before there was any spreading or treatment.  However, it does make me more paranoid - which explains why I am a constant worrier.  :)

22 weeks and 3 days - Reasonable

I think there are quiet days, days when there aren’t a ton of words.


Although it was a little frustrating to be stuck inside the last three days, it was a relief to be on virtual bedrest. I felt like the baby was more secure, safer. I went to the flu shot clinic today at work. I went and got an H1N1 vaccine about four weeks ago and everything was fine, but I panicked a little then and I’m panicking a little again now. It’s totally irrational – I know that the vaccine isn’t new (just the dead viruses), it’s been used on millions of pregnant women over the years, there are no adjuvants, I’ve been told to get it by two doctors, and I even have a friend who’s finishing up his doctorate in immunology. I know that there’s no reason to be upset, but I just have this tiny fear that my very, very light egg allergy is going to cause problems, or that the baby will react poorly, or… something. I know that I won’t be content until this baby is born safe into my arms, but I’m just fighting to be reasonable sometimes.

Thanks, all, for letting me vent. :)

22 weeks and 2 days - Day 3

Day 3 of being snowed in.  This blog may turn into a retelling of "The Shining" here soon...

22 weeks and 1 day - Day 2

Ugh.  Day 2 of being a shut-in due to a monster blizzard.  Luckily I can work from home (and have been busy), but this is frustrating.  I understand that there is a chance of being in a situation like this if I get put on bedrest, but I'm sick of these walls!

Hope everyone is staying warm.

22 weeks - My Butterfly

I've had dreams in the past, since Maddie's passing, that she was with me in the form of a butterfly.  It may be a metaphor that has been used before, but it brings me comfort. 

This is just one of the many reasons that it just touched my heart when Bree made this beautiful butterfly for my little girl:

Thank you so much, Bree, for remembering my little girl.  You're an amazing woman.

21 weeks and 6 days - Five Months

Yesterday was pretty rough. I think it might be because Maddie’s 5-month birthday is today, I’m not sure. I feel weak to admit that I had one of those days where I laid in bed for a while and cried for her. I am so grateful for this new pregnancy, and so very blessed – but it doesn’t make what happened to Maddie go away. It doesn’t make me feel better about all of that, it just makes me feel different. More guilty, more… I don’t know. Just more.


Happy 5-month birthday, Maddie. I love you.

21 weeks and 3 days

On Monday, it will have have been five months since Maddie was born. Today, however, is 21 weeks and 3 days – the exact number of days pregnant I was when we lost her. It’s so hard to believe that she’s been gone as long as she was with us physically.


She was such an amusing, sweet baby. When we went to her 8-week ultrasound, she was so tiny, but was bouncing all over along the bottom of my uterus, waving and kicking. When we went for her gender scan at 18 weeks, she was so incredibly active that they had to trick her into settling down long enough for them to get the heartbeat for us (she wasn’t shy about showing us that she was a little girl, though!). I just treasure every second I had with her.

21 weeks and 2 days - 'Tis the Season

I admit it. In the past, I was kind of a shop-a-holic. I had a thing for expensive purses, for example – my husband would usually take me to get one each Christmas for my gift (and, when you get a purse, you have to get a wallet, right?). I was always going to the mall for new clothes, etc. I’ve found that a lot of that has changed since losing Maddie. I just don’t really care about a lot of that stuff anymore. I don’t really need to impress anyone, and that stuff just doesn’t matter at all to me personally now. So much gets put into perspective – what you keep, what falls away.


So, I began staring down the barrel of Christmas. My family is wonderful, but our annual gift exchange has evolved into us all just exchanging gift cards of the same amount every year. I’m so grateful for everything I receive, and love giving – but we’re all adults, we’ll just buy ourselves stuff when we need it. There’s no light in someone’s eyes when they open up a Best Buy gift card. So, I had a proposition. Instead of exchanging gifts, I suggested that we all instead donate an amount of our discretion to a charity of our choice. Then, on Christmas Day, we tell each other to where we donated and why in lieu of the exchange. To my delight, they loved the idea. Now, I’m trying to decide to where I should donate. My first thoughts are the National SHARE Foundation, or to LightACandle. I’m going to be doing a similar exchange with a girlfriend whose baby was six weeks premature this year, and I’m thinking that March of Dimes may be appropriate for our exchange. Does anyone have any other thoughts, or is anyone else doing something of the like? 

21 weeks and 1 day - Breathing (for the moment)

Whew. We had our ultrasound today, and all is good. Better than good - fantastic.  I’m 6w4d gestationally, and measuring 6w1d (so right on track). Heartbeat was strong – 120 bpm. Everything went so well that they said that I don’t need to go see my RE tomorrow for the ultrasound there – we just made an 8 week appointment there. It was such an amazing moment to see the heartbeat, after I was so very worried – I cried (as I always do), it was just so beautiful. I won’t breathe until I’m holding that baby in my arms, but seeing the heartbeat brings the rate of miscarriage down under 5%.


My consult with the perinatologist is on December 17 (same day as my next u/s at the RE). I will indeed be doing a Shirodkar cerclage, so I feel really relieved. You know, I was thinking about it – throughout my life, my goal has always been to have as few people as possible see my business end. I want to go to Heaven being able to say that I really had the least number of people possible who could possibly discuss that part of me. After all of the fertility treatments over the past four and a half years, pregnancy, and then the process of losing Maddie – I’ve kind of decided to start a tally from here on out. Obviously the list will be incomplete, but I’m sure it will be distinguished.

In the interest of that – oh, look, here’s my uterus! :)

21 weeks - Not So Ironic

I often see people misuse the word “ironic” when they are just describing something mildly coincidental. There are definitely things in this life that are ironic. Getting a positive home test on Maddie’s due date was a tiny bit ironic. Hitting your husband with a golf club when he’s a professional golfer is kind of ironic (or at least shows a pretty well-developed sense of the absurd). Misusing the word “ironic” is a little ironic.


I started thinking about this as I look at the next few days. At 21 weeks and 2 days of my pregnancy with Maddie, I went into the hospital in labor. Thursday will be 21 weeks and 2 days since she was born and taken to Heaven, and we’ll have an ultrasound at the RE that afternoon to look to see if we can find the heartbeat for her little twin brother or sister (we also have an appointment tomorrow morning at the OB). This isn’t really ironic, but it is a somewhat strange coincidence.

Cheryllookingforward, who’s a wonderful woman, has posted before big appointments how nervous she was, but how she felt like she was overreacting by worrying so much. Cheryl, you’re not crazy at all. I’m so incredibly nervous for the next couple of days. I worried that my low-grade fever this weekend hurt something, that every cramp I have is something bad, that we’re going to walk in tomorrow and find horrible news. I just figure that I’ll take the next couple of days as they come, and be happy that I have Maddie and this baby today.

20 weeks and 6 days - Sick

Both my wonderful husband and I came down with a stomach flu on Friday, and proceeded to spend three days of our four-day weekend with a fever, throwing up, and everything else. Hope everyone else had a good holiday – now I’m just back to regular morning sickness, which is a place I’ll happily reside.

20 weeks and 2 days - Thankful

This has been a horrible, horrible year in so many ways - but focusing on that does nothing good for me.  I have so many reasons to be grateful.

I am so intensely grateful for my wonderful, amazing husband.  He is always supportive and sweet, even when it seemed like I wasn't going to be able to even function.  He's kind and smart, funny and wonderful.

I am grateful for a stable job that allows me to use my skills.

I am grateful for friends and family.  So many have provided support at different times, given generously of their hearts.

I am grateful for a God who has carried me through a horrible time, given me a focus and hope.

I am grateful for the wonderful women who come here and listen to me ramble, who share their own stories.

I am incredibly grateful for the gift of this pregnancy.  I worry every day that something bad is going to happen, but am just so lucky for every day I have with this baby.

I am grateful for my Maddie.  She was given to me on God's schedule, even though it wasn't mine.  I am so blessed that she was given to me, and she gives me hope everyday.  I want to live my life in a better way so that I might see her again someday.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

20 weeks and 1 day - What to Choose?

I will be 6 weeks on Saturday (or Sunday, depending on how I measure). I’ll have two ultrasounds next week – one with my OB on Wednesday morning, one with my RE on Thursday afternoon. Praying and hoping that all goes well, we should see the heartbeat both times, and I’ll discuss plans for my 14-week cerclage with my OB. Unfortunately, I don’t know what kind I want yet.


I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to over-research things during this pregnancy, but I’ve broken that rule about cerclages – and, unfortunately, haven’t been able to find a clear-cut answer on which type is best for treating incompetent cervix. I’ve looked at tons of studies, and there isn’t a clear statistical difference between using Shirodkar and McDonald, at least not in any studies I can find. All I find is anecdotal evidence and preferences.

Here are my choices. I absolutely LOVE my OB, and trust him with the world – he’s wonderful. He only does McDonald cerclages, and we live in a relatively low-population area, so I’m not sure how many he does. There are two high-risk OB’s about 60 miles away – one does Shirodkar, one does McDonald. I’m not sure if I should go with my local OB and get the McDonald, or if I should go to one of the doctors who does them more frequently. If I do, I don’t know which style to get, as there are different risks to each. I’m just torn. I’m thinking about just asking my OB if he would prefer to do it, or would prefer referring me out, but I don’t know. Does anyone have any experience with the different types of cerclage?

20 weeks - Tiptoes

Today’s already started as one of those days. The worry days. I keep thinking of Maddie, of what happened to her – and this new baby, and how worried I am of losing him or her. We have a death certificate for our firstborn child – it’s just impossible that I would feel secure about this pregnancy. Every time I walk, I worry that I’m straining something. Every time I go to the bathroom, I’m worried that I’m going to find that something has gone terribly wrong. Every cramp I get, I worry that it’s a bad sign, rather than just assuming it’s the normal pains of a growing uterus.


I don’t want this baby’s time in my womb to be spent with me on tiptoes the whole time, but I find that I can’t really help it. I’ve just been trying to spend every day thanking God for giving me one more day with the baby, hoping that he or she can feel how much I love him/her, just as I pray that Maddie can feel the same thing. I think that’s really all I can do.

Happy 20-week birthday, Maddie.

19 weeks and 6 days - Stages of Grief

Sometimes it strikes me how different people are. I read a lot of blogs about baby loss and infertility, and there are a few that are notable to me in their (righteous) anger and pessimism. I absolutely want to say from the outset that I am not at all saying that anyone is better or worse, right or wrong – we all just deal with things differently, and these blogs are our outlet for that.


The reason that I mention this is because, the more I think about it, “anger” really wasn’t one of the five stages of grief that I went through. There were a few things that made me frustrated – I’ve had to deal with and reconcile the fact that work circumstances could have made/helped this happen when it did (this has been weird, since I love my job and don't want to be angry). I’ve been frustrated that women aren’t checked more often for cervical issues because of the insurance companies until it’s too late. Mostly, I’ve felt guilty and sad that my body ultimately failed Maddie. I think that incredible sadness has been my overriding feeling, although I definitely went through bargaining, questioning, denial. I’ve just felt like anger takes up a lot of energy that I don’t have to spend. Now, as I begin this huge rollercoaster of a second pregnancy, I conserve my energy even more.

How about everyone else? Were there any of the stages of grief that you missed or skipped?

19 weeks and 3 days - Worry, worry, worry

I'll be five weeks pregnant tomorrow.  I'm only a week and a half out from getting to hopefully hear my baby's heartbeat, and I should get to hear it twice in one week.  My OB wants to see me at 6 weeks to do an ultrasound and make plans for the cerclage, so we'll see him on 12/2.  I then go back to my RE for the 6 week ultrasound the next day on 12/3.

I hate these stretches between appointments, because all I do is worry that something is going to happen.  I worried about it when I was pregnant with Maddie, and I know now what can happen.  At the same time, I realize that there really isn't anything I can do to control this - I couldn't be much more high-risk if I started juggling fire for a living, so there really isn't anything tangible I can do to make this much better.  I wanted to micromanage and over-research everything when I was pregnant with Maddie; now I realize that it doesn't make much difference.  This is in God's hands now.  Just hoping that it's His will for us to have a healthy baby come next July.

19 weeks and 2 days - All Mixed Up

Got the results back from beta #2. Ideally, they look for your numbers to double over the course of two days. Mine almost tripled – went from 1079 to 3007! Maddie’s numbers were incredibly similar, but were a day later – hopefully this little one has fingernails A friend sent me a study that shows that really high hCG levels coincide with better rates of pregnancy at 20 weeks, so hopefully this is a good sign for us – right now we’re just focusing on (and praying about) making it to the cerclage at 14 weeks!


I know my hormones are pretty ramped up right now, but this all has made everything with Maddie seem a little bit fresher again. I think it’s just doing all of the same things, and everything being so very similar that is making it come back up so much more even than it was for a while. I want so badly to have a healthy, happy baby – but I miss the one that we have so much. I am so glad for her that she’s happy, and that’s all I can want – it’s just hard.

19 weeks - Still Cautiously Optimistic

Well, I have been debating on whether or not to post the results on here, but hopefully everyone in “real life” understands how big of a deal privacy is for me with this.


Just got back the results from my beta – hCG was 1079 at 18dpo! The doctor said, “If I hadn’t put the single embryo in there myself, I’d think there were possible two!” So, my numbers are really good, and we’ll be going back on Thursday morning to make sure that they double. I’m currently 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Estimated due date is July 25, 2010 – about 18 days after Maddie’s birthday. We pray to have her fraternal genetic twin born one year later in the same month. :)

We are, however, remaining incredibly cautiously optimistic. There’s still so much that can go wrong. We’re praying for our little miracle, though. Thank you so much everyone for all of the wonderful support!  I'm off to take another Tums.

18 weeks and 6 days - Disappointing

Today’s blog post likely won’t have much of interest for most people, but it’s something that I need to say. Warning – it’s long and vaguely preachy!  Hopefully I only need to say this once.


We have purposely kept this whole embryo transfer process incredibly private this time. The reason for this is fairly obvious – there is so much at stake, so many concerns, so many emotions involved that I can’t even begin to describe. Only a short 19 weeks ago today, I was in labor for over 13 hours with my daughter, who I knew the whole time would never make it. There is so much riding on this, no matter what the outcome is. As such, we haven’t told much of anyone – we haven’t told either of our parents or siblings (despite direct questioning), we haven’t shared it with almost anyone, and weren’t planning on it until three months into any pregnancy. I am incredibly close to some of my coworkers, and have kept it quiet there in particular (only having told a couple of people). I have had a few people ask me, however, having “guessed” at it since I was gone two days in a row from work on Nov. 5th and 6th (I think it’s safe to assume that they read this blog, and didn’t guess). Three of the people who've asked are people I wanted to tell but couldn't – a man who is a regular reader and has been a great source of inspiration and support through his own grief, and two women who are very dear friends. These people’s support means so much. There have been a couple others, however, who have “guessed” that aren’t so welcome – most notably, a woman who may truly care, but who has specifically tried to do me harm in the past, who has invaded my privacy to try and hurt me (and improve her own popularity). Either she read this blog, or (more likely) was told by someone.

This disappoints me greatly that the source of immense grief in my life is now fodder for the work gossip mill. I specifically didn’t tell people because I don’t want this getting around – almost everyone knew with Maddie from the moment she was transferred, and I am not emotionally capable of answering all of these questions. I may act at work like I’m “fine” – but it’s because I’ve discovered that it really doesn’t do any good to mourn publicly. There are huge emotions associated with the outcome of this FET either way, and I don’t really want this talked about until I’m ready. There is not a single person I know in “real life” who has even undergone IVF, let alone had to do it a second time after their child was stillborn - this is an incredibly lonely process. I know that the people I mentioned specifically above (and a few others I haven’t mentioned) read my blog out of true concern and love, but this… this is icky.

I started this blog as a safe place, a place where I could come to and share my feelings with other women who can understand this horrible situation of loss and infertility, or with those in “real” life who truly care. It pains me that I have had to lie on this blog – I have said that I’m not taking home tests because I don’t want to face questions. That is a flat-out lie – I have taken three tests since last Thursday, all with the same result. I know what my beta tomorrow will bring, but I just don’t want the results of it being broadcast until I am ready to deal with it all. At this point, I question whether I should even blog anymore - it saddens me that I would lose one of the few outlets I have because of people who just want something to talk about.  So, I guess what it boils down to is this –if you’re here because you care, thank you (and please keep things confidential). If you’re here to gather gossip, please leave. I don’t invade your private life, and ask that you don’t mine. Thank you.

18 weeks and 4 days - Our Due

Today was Maddie's due date.  All of it made me start thinking about the nature of grief, of life.

It's natural for us all to feel on some level that what we are experiencing is the worst thing ever, that our loss is greater than anyone else's.  There have been many times when I've asked God why it had to be Maddie - our little girl was wanted for so very long.  We tried for her for almost four years, we spent tens of thousands of dollars, went through pain and tests and drugs - and we had so much happiness when we saw her growing inside of me finally.  Our turn had finally come.  Then, in the early days after she passed away, when the grief was physically palpable in my chest, I felt like our grief was more immense because of our struggles.  That, however, is ridiculous - there's no comparing grief.  Someone who had been trying even longer or was further along in their pregnancy - were their babies loved more than Maddie?  Impossible.  It's logical, then, that the same is true for those who hadn't maybe been through the same struggles we had.  In the end, it doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I love my little girl with the entire depth and breadth of my heart.

I am so lucky that we have the chance to have this perfect little being in our lives, in whatever capacity.  Today was never a day that was going to actually mean something tangible if things had gone the way we hoped.  We had been planning a C-section, and she would have been born by now.  I have learned not to give today more weight than it actually has (Maddie's birthday next July will likely be a different story).  What I do want today to be is just a day of remembrance of what Maddie is, not what she "should" be.  My little girl is perfect and happy for forever.  That's all a mother could want.

18 weeks and 3 days - So Precious

Holly from Caring for Carleigh e-mailed me the sweetest picture yesterday.

The biggest thanks to Holly for remembering my sweet girl in such a beautiful, touching way.

Thinking of Maddie tomorrow on her due date. 

18 weeks and 2 days - Another Day

My husband is a very wise man.  He's convinced me not to take any HPT's until our beta on Tuesday.  Probably wise.

Last night was kind of a rough night.  My biological father's mother called - she has breast cancer.  They did a full mastectomy on Thursday, and removed some lymph nodes - 6 of the 9 removed had tumors in them.  She'll be doing chemo and radiation here shortly.

I guess I kind of got all philosophical after the news.  I want to preface by saying that I love my grandmother very much, but she's not a very warm person.  Very country club, not very family-oriented.  As a result, it's kind of pushed all of us away to a certain degree.  When another grandmother of mine passed away about 7 years ago from cancer, the family was so close around her it had to almost feel suffocating.  It's such a contrast to where we all are in relation to this grandmother.  I am going to do everything I can to try and change that, but it's saddening to see the effects that certain decisions have.  I'm sorry - I hope that didn't sound judgmental.

Hoping all are having a good day.

18 weeks and 1 day - No Rest for the Weary

I am pretty sure that I am insane – at least temporarily. Let me explain.


After Maddie passing this summer, my OB put me on Ambien since I can’t sleep (I’m an insomniac naturally, and this all exacerbated it to the point where I can’t sleep at all without it). Both my OB and my RE confirmed for me that Ambien is safe for pregnancy (and to be used indefinitely), so it’s safe to take now during the 2 week wait. Flash forward to when I was at the pharmacy getting my last refill – they explained that they were changing from one generic brand to another, so I would have some of the old look of pills, and some new ones. Well, I opened the vial last night and took my first from this batch – and noticed afterwards that there were indeed two different sets of pills in there, but that none of them looked like my old pills. Two brand new styles I hadn’t seen before.

Now I went into panic mode, as I had already taken one. What if some of the pills were a totally different drug, one that wasn’t safe with pregnancy (assuming I’m pregnant)? And how was I to know which ones were good and which ones were the wrong drug – I’d already taken one, what if I’d taken the wrong one? Should I try and make myself throw up? (By the way – this panic doesn’t really help the sleeping pills work.) I relayed my dilemma to my husband – who told me to just go to sleep and stop obsessing. I ended up praying really hard, calling and leaving the pharmacy a message, and waiting until this morning. The pharmacy called and said that the one I had taken was indeed the new style (whew), and that they were pretty certain the other foreign pills were just from an intermediate batch they’d had between the two. They were fine with me going in and switching those few out so that I’m uniform and safe, however. I’m pretty sure that they just looked at each other like I was crazy when I got done talking to them, but at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Was I nuts? Did I 100% overreact, or just, like, 90%?  :)

18 weeks - "Get Her Pregnant"

My friend Jess blogged yesterday about an insensitive pregnant friend who had whispered about her, "Now we gotta get her pregnant."

The more I thought about this, the more this made me angry.  Angry for Jess, and for anyone who has experienced loss or infertility (or both).  That's so flippant, so presumptive – that sentence sounds like it’s someone’s fault for their baby dying, for not being able to just look at their husband and get pregnant again. When we finally got pregnant with Maddie after about four years of trying everything and anything, spending tens of thousands of dollars and much pain to try and get pregnant, my mom told someone, “She finally listened to me and got pregnant!” Yes, the problem for the entire time was just that I hadn’t followed her advice. (Although, admittedly, after our first fertility consult, I did mess with her – I called her and told her that we’d apparently “been doing it in the wrong hole.” Sorry if that’s crass – but it got her to be quiet for a few days.)


These types of comments are just so much more damaging than people realize. For some, pregnancy takes drugs, ultrasounds, timing, money. For us and countless others, we’ve added in surgery, laboratories, injections, etc. This isn’t just an easy process for everyone. And just because you have a pregnancy doesn’t mean you keep a pregnancy – and so very rarely is it through any fault of our own, especially when we want these babies (our babies) so desperately.

Jess, if you’re reading this, I am just so sorry. I’m also sorry for anyone else who has ever endured these types of comments.

17 weeks and 6 days - Symptoms and Control

There isn’t a whole ton new to update today. I keep not wanting to read things into anything – the sore boobs could just be the progesterone shots and estrogen patches. It’s likely too early to be sore, anyway. I’ve had more dreams the last couple of nights (that was my first symptom with Maddie that I was pregnant – crazy dreams), but they haven’t been insane like the other ones were. It’s still just so early.


I found today that coming to work and getting off of bedrest (which I had extended through Sunday on my own just to be careful) scared me to death. This weekend was hard in regards to thinking about Maddie – thinking about doing this all the first time, how much I miss her, thinking of how uncertain this all is. Coming off of bedrest was terrifying, as I just want to do anything I humanly can to make this work. I used to be a little bit of a control freak (probably an understatement), but after what happened with Maddie, I’d gotten over thinking that I can control anything – but I still have this urge to try. This poor baby – if this works, I hope I’m not crazy-protective (well, at least not more than I was already going to be)!

17 weeks and 4 days - Happy 4 month birthday, Maddie.

I wish you such pure joy and happiness, sweetie.  Thinking of you today and everyday.

17 weeks and 3 days - Emotion-laden

I am just so filled with emotions right now.  I am so grateful for the cheering section across the nation.  I am so happy that yesterday went so well, and so hopeful that it works (and afraid for any outcome).  I'm so sad that we don't have Maddie, and so concerned that she knows this isn't to forget her or "move on" (which is an impossibility).

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts, prayers, and words.  They mean so much.

(Also a quick edit on the previous post - I am blaming it on the Valium, but I got the date of my beta wrong.  It's 11/17.)

17 weeks and 2 days - Today WAS the day!

Everything went well!  :)  The doctor came in - he confirmed with both embryologists that the single embryo had thawed well, and that it was absolutely beautiful and healthy.  My lining was very thick, the placement was good, and we got an ultrasound pic of our little one (I'll try and scan it when I'm back at work on Monday).  As the nurse said, "If that one doesn't work, nothing will!"  Beta is on 11/12 at 10 a.m. CST.

Now just praying that this little one takes up house and sticks around for another 8.5 months!

17 weeks and 2 days - Today's the Day

I just noticed that today is my 60th blog post.  Not a big deal, not very momentous - except for that hopefully I'm writing it on the day that I conceive my baby.  :)

I'm just trying to be as calm as possible.  On the day that we did the FET with Maddie, I was wired - I fell down a bunch of stairs that morning, had to be almost peeled off of the roof of the car on the drive down.  Now, I'm just trying to emulate this scene in Pulp Fiction (apparently emulating a movie where someone cleans up bits of brain is the way that I want to spend the day of my transfer - that sounds about right):

Jules: We're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda what's Fonzie like?
Yolanda: Cool?
Jules: What?
Yolanda: He's cool.
Jules: Correctamundo. And that's what we're gonna be. We're gonna be cool.

Here's hoping that I can be a little Fonzie today.  :)  Thanks for all of the good wishes, everyone!  Here's hoping that Maddie's fraternal twin is burrowed in by this time tomorrow!

17 weeks and 1 day - Whew

24 hours and 20 minutes from now, we're going to be on the table getting the embryo transferred!  I'm excited and nervous, but trying to stay very "zen" about it.  (The Valium that I take an hour before transfer will likely help!)

I'd almost forgotten how much I hate the progesterone shots - they are literally a pain in the butt.  It's kind of funny - IVF'ers are a few of the people who go through this process of conception without getting to do any of the fun stuff that usually comes along with it.  I guess we have the benefit of knowing the exact second that our child is transferred to our bodies, however...  :)

I want to apologize in advance for the fact that I will probably be remiss in reading blogs for the next few days!

17 weeks - Should vs. Is

I often find myself slipping into thinking that I "should" be 38 1/2 weeks pregnant right now, that we "should" have our little girl for Christmas. 

I always knock myself out of this, though - we shouldn't be anything.  This is what we were given, and how we were given her.  Maddie isn't "lost" - she's here always, in the way God meant her to be (even if it's not how I want it).  Saying "should" makes me feel like I'm negating the life she had and has.  I would be 38.5 weeks pregnant, but I'm not.

16 weeks and 6 days - A Little Nervous

I think the next couple of weeks have me a little on edge, but I'm trying to be calm.  Embryo transfer on Thursday, Maddie's four-month birthday on Saturday, and then her due date is the following Saturday (Nov. 14).  I'm usually a worrier, so I'm just trying to keep cool about this - whatever is going to happen is going to happen.

I'm also trying my best to keep this as quiet as possible.  We've told maybe three friends or so in real life, and no family.  I don't want to get people involved in this until after it's all over, and we know something.  At this point, what good does it do if people know we're doing this?  How does that help?  It doesn't, so it's best just to keep it private and not have to field questions.

Best of luck to everyone having big weeks!

16 weeks and 5 days - All Saints Day

We got a letter in the mail a couple of weeks ago that our church would be lighting a candle in memory of Maddie at today's All Saints Day service, and inviting us to come and light the candle for her.  I was just so touched that they would remember and honor her, so JTD and I went this morning to the service.

It was so much harder than I imagined.  Just lighting that simple candle - I sobbed in front of the whole church.  It was just amazing, though, to see the outpouring of support and love for us, even as new members of the church.  Our little girl insipred (and continues to inspire) so much love - I am just so proud of her, and so grateful to be a part of that.

16 weeks and 3 days - An Invitation

To: Our future child

From: Your parents
When: Thursday, Nov. 5
Time: 2:30 p.m. CST
What: Frozen embryo transfer
Where: My womb

You are cordially invited to my womb for a frozen embryo transfer. We dearly hope and pray that you can make it, and that you will stay for the 9 month duration. Food and lodging will be provided, as well as lots of love.

16 weeks and 2 days - Good U/S

Nothing like a TV ultrasound to start the day, right?  :)

Had an ultrasound and blood test (for my progesterone levels) this morning.  Everything is looking good - they need your uterine lining to be at an 8, mine is at a 10.  Since I haven't heard back, I'm assuming that my progesterone levels are sub-ovulatory, as they should be (no news is good news!).  Everything is right on track - stopped the Lupron on Tuesday night (the headaches are going away!), but starting the progesterone-in-oil shots on Saturday night. 

I'm so grateful for everyone's well wishes and thoughts!  I'm so lucky to have such a strong network of blog friends!

Totally off-topic, but just a quick prayer request for anyone who is into that sort of thing.  My friend Tad is in surgery right now for brain cancer.  It sounds like things went incredibly well, but there are some other tumors spread around his body that are the next thing to tackle.  If you're the praying kind, please send a little one his way.

16 weeks and 1 day - Long & Winding Road

One thing that every single person with infertility or loss issues knows deeply is the lack of control we have over life. We try our hardest to get pregnant, to keep those babies inside of us – and we learn how very little “our best” can do. I don’t mean this in a negative way – it just strikes me every now and again how much I used to think I could orchestrate everything. I did the IVF thing perfectly, I was overcautious, I read study after study on fertility, pregnancy, etc. Then, we lost Maddie. After all of that work, we still lost our girl. There wasn’t anything I could do about it – and now, there ultimately isn’t anything I can do to make sure that the FET works other than just follow the protocol and pray.


In a way, this is a freeing. I’m not responsible for everything and everyone – I can do what I can do, and try to be the best mother and wife possible. No more, no less. I just have to follow wherever this road takes me.

(Sorry, that’s a little pseudo-existential for a Wednesday morning, but I think the calm is just good right now.)

16 weeks - Just not a good day.

Some days there really isn't more that you can say than that.  Just praying today for family/personal stuff, and hoping that all of this work for the FET will make a difference in the end.

Happy 16 weeks birthday, Maddie.

15 weeks and 6 days - A Little Bitterness

I hate being at all bitter.  It's not really who I am.  I'm so blessed to have had Maddie, and to still have her.  It just makes me angry when I see people who seem to have only had their child so that they can be a cute accessory, like a new purse.  I don't want to judge, as it's not my place - but these are people who don't like kids, who have no warmth, who pawn their kids off whenever possible.  It just makes me sad.  There are so many of us who would cherish just another day.

Sorry - that's really depressing.

15 weeks and 3 days - Nervous

I may be a bad person for this, but it scares the crap out of me that there are some people who have come back to work while they're still sick.  I feel badly and want them to be healthy - but I will selfishly admit that I don't want to get sick right now.  I don't want someone else coming back to work before they're ready to screw up our FET by getting me sick! 

15 weeks and 1 day - Uncertainty

I’m kind of weighing options at this point. We have three perfect 6-day blastocysts frozen. Our RE’s office freezes them in straws of two – so we have one straw with two babies, one with one. We transferred two when I became pregnant with Maddie, but she was the only one who implanted.


When I first talked to my super-fantastic RE right after I lost Maddie and was exploring our options for this, we discussed whether it would be more prudent to transfer one or two. My thinking was, “If my cervix is incompetent, two babies will put on more stress than one.” He agreed that it might be better to start with the single embryo, and then go to the two if that doesn’t work.

Now I just keep wondering if we should do the two due to the likelihood that only one would implant? I know that twins are very common – but what if we only transfer one and it doesn’t take? It’s not like this is free. I just don’t know how to balance the uncertainty of even getting pregnant with the chances that my cervix wouldn’t allow me to stay that way (since cerclages are only about 80% effective). Grr. I should probably just stick with the original plan.

15 weeks - Calm

Today is a much more calm day.  I'm still weary and just tired of all of this trying and uncertainty (in honesty, I just want Maddie back), but I just wanted to make a quick note about how grateful I am to have our frozen embryo babies.  After the severe OHSS, I don't know that I could handle doing stims this soon after Maddie's birth - the FET is a nice gradual wade into the water.  We're so lucky that we had so many eligible blasts to freeze.

14 weeks and 6 days - A Little Weary

There's not really much to blog about today.  I'm just a little weary.  Shots, estrogen patches, pills - it's just tiring.  I don't really get the mood swings very badly that a lot of women do, but the headaches and just the stress of it is wearing on me.  We just did this.  It worked - and now we have to do it again because my body gave out on our baby.  I have to be so minutely, incredibly perfect with the calendar, the schedule - it's just a lot today.  It's also hard to know that not only do they have to physically put my babies inside of my body, but that now they'll have to (if it works - please let it work) sew them inside of me in hopes that they stay there.  There really isn't any part of the babymaking process that I can "do" correctly.

Sorry for the venting.  Just a down weekend.

14 weeks and 3 days - Just Hard Sometimes

What goes up, must come down.  Sometimes there are just hard days.  I took Maddie's urn off of the dresser this morning to hold it and talk to her (like I do every morning), and it just struck me how incredibly sad and unfair it is that I have to take my daughter off of a shelf to hold her.  Tomorrow would be 36 weeks of pregnancy, not 14.5 weeks since she was born sleeping.

14 weeks and 2 days - Awareness

Most people who are here are already going to be aware of this, but I just wanted to share this as today's blog:

Today (Oct. 15) is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. This is obviously a topic very close to my heart, but I’ve got to tell the truth – “awareness” days kind of seem futile to me. It’s great to have people aware of a topic, but what tangibly does it do to just have people “aware” that people lose their babies? That doesn’t even really seem like half the battle – this doesn’t save any babies’ lives.


They recommend that orphaned parents share some of the important things that people should know about infant and perinatal loss, things that we didn’t know before - that this might help people to understand how important this topic is. I suppose I could share a few. Infants born past 20 weeks of gestation have to, by law, either be buried or cremated. It was required that we get a death certificate for Maddie (which we would have chosen to do, but it just speaks to how she was a person in the eyes of the law). Most importantly, there is no set calendar day (like today) for grieving your child – it is every minute of every day.

So then – what can be done that will save lives? That’s simple. Education, research, and prevention. A simple preventative ultrasound could likely have prevented Maddie’s loss, but insurance companies do not cover this. A bill by Senator Frank Lautenberg has been proposed that intends to further the promotion of educating people on and preventing these losses:

http://firstcandle.org/illuminations/lautenberg-bill.html

There is a sample letter on the link provided – what we can all do to actually make today matter is to contact our senators and representatives to support this bill. If you’re a Facebook user, this couldn’t be easier – there’s an application (http://apps.facebook.com/visible_vote/ ) that you can add, and there’s a quick option to fax your support to your local elected officials (it will even fill in their information based off of your zip code) – simply send the letter from the link above in the message box, and our voices can be heard.

14 weeks and 1 day - A Good Test

Just got back from the hysterosalpinogram a bit ago.  Things went well - nothing changed in my uterus during the pregnancy or since.  I had forgotten how much I hated certain medical devices, however - nothing like a speculum and a mess to wake you up for the day.

Physically - 6.5     Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 6.5  Spiritually - 8

14 weeks

Happy 14-week birthday, Maddie.  I miss you so very much.

13 weeks and 6 days - Nerves - Part 2

Never blogged twice in one day before.  Just thought I'd update - I got my e2 levels back, and everything is good (thank goodness - what a blessing).  However, I haven't had a hysterosalpinogram in over 6 months, so I have to have another one on Wednesday.  For anyone who isn't familiar, here's some info (LINK) - it involves radioactive dye, your girl parts, and a really poorly thought-out collection system for the stuff that comes afterwards.  I need to remember to wear shoes with good traction.

13 weeks and 6 days - Nerves

I had to wake up super-early today and drive the 60 minutes down to my RE's office to get my blood taken for my estradiol levels.  The process is honestly just so low-key with an FET, but I woke up at least a half an hour before my alarm and just laid there, certain that they were going to call me and tell me that the E2 levels were off and that we'd have to cancel the cycle.  I don't know why - maybe it's just preparing for the worst and hoping for the best, but it was this very real fear (which I never even considered during our last FET or our fresh cycle - then I was overstimulating).  I'm just waiting now for the call with my levels - hopefully this fear can go away here shortly.

I have had the song "Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright in my head this weekend - it was the song my husband and I instantly thought of when we found out Maddie was a little girl.  I had always wanted a little girl, and was just so excited.  The song is just so beautiful:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVam-fshUgw

Physically - 6.5      Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 6.5   Spiritually - 8

13 weeks and 3 days - A New 'Do

We did the embryo transfer for Maddie on February 26, 2009.  I had gotten my hair highlighted and cut midway through that same month before we went on a business trip.  Once I found out I was pregnant with Maddie, I didn't want to go and get it done again - both my OB and my RE had said it was okay, but I didn't want to let any dye touch my skin.  I was just so careful about everything.  Then, once I had Maddie, I just couldn't get myself to go in - I knew I wasn't ready to be in "public" (which it really isn't) for that extended of a period of time.

Well, I'm going in for tonight for the first time.  I'm really lucky that a friend's wife is my hairstylist, so I can just take a moment if I need one.  I'm really so very lucky to be surrounded with people who care so much about myself and Maddie - I won't get the weird stare from her.  It's the little things that make you feel better.

Physically - 4.5         Mentally – 8
Emotionally - 7         Spiritually - 8

13 weeks and 2 days - Tired

I'm tired of feeling like I'm whining on here.  I want to make sure that it's entirely clear that I celebrate every second of Maddie's life - the four years trying to conceive her, the 21.5 weeks of pregnancy, the brief time holding her, and now every second she is in my heart. 

I feel so selfish that I ache for her here when I know how happy she is in Heaven.  I just want her to be filled with joy.

13 weeks and 1 day - Move Forward With

Happy 3-month birthday, Maddie. I love and miss you so much every day. I hope you can hear me when I tell you that.


It’s almost like my body knew that it was her 3-month birthday today as I slept last night. I had the weirdest dream. It was happening right now, as I go through the Lupron shots - I had to take an HPT before I started the BCP’s and the shots to make sure it was negative. However, I had to go to the OB for some reason, and they decided to test me for pregnancy (although they didn’t do a blood test). They got out the old TV ultrasound wand and checked that way for a while, and then they took some weird thermal molds of my stomach area – they were all pink by default, and they formed the shape of my stomach area.

While I was looking at the molds, one of them turned white where my stomach had been. The nurse looked at me and said, “This is where your baby is.” I instantly thought of Maddie, longing for her, asking if she meant that somehow my body was still registering as pregnant from her. “No, you’re pregnant again.” I asked if the baby would be okay, since I was on the Lupron shots – she said, “We’ll discuss the baby’s health later, but this is where you are pregnant.” I instantly leaned into the mold, touching where my baby should be/was – feeling so much hope and yet just knowing that it was going to end in loss. Wishing that it were Maddie, and yet celebrating her new sibling while mourning what I was dreading was going to be the loss of another child.

Wow, that dream is really kind of depressing. I guess I don’t know how to take it – I don’t know if I’m ready for this whole transfer thing. Then again, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for it, and this is the only way we can have another child. I can never “move on from” Maddie, but I just want to learn how to “move forward with” her.

Physically - 6.5          Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 5          Spiritually - 7

13 weeks - Outside Influences

13 weeks since I last got to hold my baby.  Tomorrow will be officially three months.  Wow, that's a long time.  At the same time, it seems like just yesterday.

Maybe it's just me, but I find that all of this is really affected by outside influences.  The Lupron headaches, being sick yesterday, even the dreary weather just kind of make everything seem bigger.  Here's hoping for a sunny day tomorrow - for all of us.

Physically - 4.5       Mentally – 6
Emotionally - 5       Spiritually - 6

12 weeks and 6 days - The Wedding

JTD and I went to a wedding this weekend - there were a lot of great friends there, but a lot of people who we hadn't seen or talked to in many years.  Hence, there were a few people who recently had children, but didn't know about Maddie.  Hence, there was a lot of forcing a smile as I was subjected to pictures and stories about their children, maternity leave, and so on.

I think it just really struck me how unfair this all is.  I want to share Maddie with them - not because I want to bring this up or garner any pity, but because I want her story to be told.  I want people to know how special she is, to remember her, to hug their own children tighter.  That isn't something I can do, though - I'm not going to force our tragedy upon others, even if it's out of the most sincere wish to honor her.  It's just not fair that I can't talk about her.  I should be 34 weeks pregnant with the most beautiful baby ever, not getting ready to celebrate her 3-month birthday in Heaven on Wednesday.  I am not pitying myself - it just feels like she doesn't get to be celebrated in the way she should, and that hurts.  Most people don't really ask about her or me anymore, and it's really not their place to do so - but I just want her to be remembered.  She deserves it.

12 weeks and 3 days - Numb

I got a filling this morning, and my lip is still numb.  You know, sometimes numbness isn't a bad thing.

(I needed to edit this quickly - hopefully this didn't come off as melancholy as I think it might.  Sometimes it's just nice to put grief in a box for a day, you know?)


Physically - 5.5       Mentally – 7
Emotionally - 6.0    Spiritually - 7

12 weeks and 2 days - Blah

It's been a really mild summer here in the midwest - by far the warmest week was the week before I had Maddie.  Unfortunately, I think fall and winter are going to come early this year - it's been stormy and gloomy (and cold!) the last few days, and it's not looking like it's going to let up.  In short, the weather is kind of a bag of crap right now - it takes a lot of focus to get around that whole melancholy, dreary mindset when it's almost dark out!  But, there's hope - yesterday was Day 1 of shots, and it didn't kill me to do them again.  So, you know, that's good...  :)  Bring on the Lupron headaches!

Physically - 7.5      Mentally – 6.5
Emotionally - 5.5   Spiritually - 7.5

12 weeks and 1 day - She's Not There

Preface – it’s not a great day for some arbitrary reason.


I used to be kind of funny. My husband (who loves to tease mercilessly) would joke that I’m not “funny ‘ha-ha,’ but funny ‘oh.’” Essentially, he was saying that I’ve just always been goofy.

I feel like I kind of lost “the funny.” I think it’s natural and normal – I am going to change as part of this loss. I need and want to change as part of this – that’s one of Maddie’s gifts to me. We have all endured fundamentally life-altering losses here. I just feel guilty that, while it is unspoken, I can tell people kind of look for the old me, and she’s not there. There is a melancholy now that hovers high over us, almost out of others' sight, even if I try to make sure not to present my sadness to others very often. I think I’m in some ways getting used to the “new normal” that has encompassed my life, but I just feel a little guilty that others have to adjust in little ways, too.

Physically - 7.5     Mentally – 7.5

Emotionally - 4.5  Spiritually - 8

12 weeks - Is It That Hard?

I probably only ask this because I don't drink - although I absolutely do not judge those who do, I don't "get" a lot of it.  My question is this - is it really that hard not to drink for nine months in order to have a healthy baby?  I personally didn't really need another reason to puke (my body was taking care of that 15+ times a day on its own), but isn't the sacrifice worth it?  Is it so hard that daily updates are needed?  More power to you, I guess...

Note:  This post was made by a woman who would poke out her own eye to have her baby back, so she's probably just really overly sensitive.

Physically - 7.5      Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 6      Spiritually - 7.5

11 weeks and 6 days - The Heathcliff Huxtable Approach

When you’re going through infertility, you become acutely aware of The Mothers. I don’t mean to say of just people who are mothers – that’s apparently now approximately 187% of women over the age of 12 or something. The Mothers are the people who bring every freaking conversation back around to their child, regardless of their audience and how inappropriate it might be.


“Hey, how’s the weather?” “Oh, Julie just loves the sun. She was outside the other day in this cute little romper I got her…”

“Do you happen to know the name of a good plumber?” “Oh, I have the best guy. When Jimmy threw his GI Joe down the toilet, this guy came over. Oh, that Jimmy. Did I ever tell you about the time…”

This goes ahead and gets ramped up by about 1000 when you become a mother whose baby is gone. I think the reason that I bring this up today is because of my ex-stepsister (that sounds so very Cinderella-y – my biological dad married and divorced her mom, much simpler than it sounds). She’s several years younger than me, and accidentally got pregnant about three years ago. Now she’s pregnant again, also on accident – and bemoans daily how she’s “just going to have to deal with this.” Let me be honest – I understand that this isn’t her “right time,” but I fail to have a ton of sympathy. She knows how babies are made. There are approximately 30 different ways I can name offhand that you can prevent it from happening (especially twice). I think she could also be much more aware of her audience. I may not be the target demographic for this particular spiel.

However – it isn’t worth getting up in arms about this and giving her a whole “these are my needs” speech. I get frustrated when all others talk about to me is their child/children, and I don’t want to be the woman who keeps bringing up her trauma. It doesn’t do any good to be confrontational and to tell her off – all that does is suck me into a whirlwind of drama that I don’t need in my life. I don’t need to be worried about this crap.

Instead, I’ve been taking the Heathcliff Huxtable approach lately. I’m a huge fan of “The Cosby Show” (yeah, I said it). There is an episode from the first season or two where Cliff is trying to teach Elvin how to get along better with Sondra. He shows him that, when things are getting heated – just back off (does this little hands-in-the-air motion). Extricate yourself from the situation. It takes a lot more energy to go into it, and it can create bad blood later – for now, I’m just going to put my hands in the air and back away. There may be a better time in the future, there may not.

Physically - 7        Mentally – 8.5
Emotionally - 6.5  Spiritually - 8

11 weeks and 3 days - Eyes Wide Open

I had a dream last night.  In the dream, I was nursing.  But, at the same time, I knew Maddie was gone, that I couldn't ever nurse her.

I keep thinking about beginning the whole FET process again, and I am absolutely terrified.  I will admit it.  I remember the early days of trying, back when I had all of this hope that it could be easy, not knowing the intense wanting and hurt that was possible.  That's when I realized how very sobering all of this is, how we have unique understandings of reality that most people never do.  When you go through IVF and FET's, when you go to such extreme measures to even have the hope of a child, you realize the stark reality that every child is a miracle, and that you may not get to experience that miracle.  When you have experienced the loss of your child, when you've held that little one in your arms, you understand that getting pregnant doesn't automatically mean that everything is going to be okay; nor does making it to 13 weeks, 18 weeks, 20 weeks. 

Almost all young women just naturally assume that they can get pregnant when they first try, and that their babies will live to old age.  I pray every night not only just to be able to conceive a baby, but desparately pray that she or he lives past birth.  This is something you usually take for granted, not something that you have difficulty imagining is even possible.  I think the "upside" of this (not really the correct word, but it's what I've got) is that you now cherish everything you have.  I appreciate my husband even more than I did before, and my family.  I feel so blessed to have had those months with Maddie, to be able to see that she is the most beautiful child ever created.  If we are able to get pregnant again, it will mean so much more even than it did before (and I already cherished every second because of how hard it was to get pregnant).  I just wish I could have Maddie.

Physically - 5          Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 4.5    Spiritually - 7

11 weeks and 2 days - Ridiculous

I am trying to be an adult and just stay out of the situation with my parents' divorce.  I have not made a big deal out of the fact that my mom stopped speaking to me two weeks ago when I told her that I disagreed with her decision (despite the fact that she essentially abandoned me while I'm still intensely grieving). 

However, I was greviously disappointed yesterday when the first correspondence since then that I received was an e-mail (a forum which is in itself insulting) attempting to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her.  I am not going to allow this to happen.  I am not going to get pulled into this drama.  It doesn't help my grieving process or my process of preparing for the future.  Anger is wasted energy.  And, in all honesty, if you feed crazy, it grows.  I'm just not getting involved.  I can love my mother and still not want to get anywhere near this situation.

Physically - 5.5         Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 3.5      Spiritually - 8

11 weeks and 1 day - Awkward

So, I just received a call. When I was about 18 weeks pregnant, my OB’s office had signed me up for this “Healthy Futures” program that a local organization provides for all pregnant women. It’s a really neat program – a nurse calls you to discuss diet and health, as well as preparing you for the delivery process. It is not affiliated directly with the OB or hospital; it’s just a service.


I had received a letter a few weeks ago from the program that a nurse would be calling me soon. I figured out at that time that they hadn’t been contacted by anyone to take me off of the list – I just didn’t have the energy to call them and get them to remove me. I’d be 32 weeks and 4 days today – I guess they must call when you are 32 weeks along, because I just got the call on my cell phone. This wonderfully, cruelly chipper woman called and introduced herself and the program. When I could get a word in, I could only utter the words, “Our baby was stillborn.” She was so kind about apologizing, and then got the heck off the phone.

I don’t know why this got to me so much. Maybe because I was at work and it kind of blindsided me? 

Physically - 4.5       Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 5.5    Spiritually - 8

11 weeks - Cautious Optimism

I’m not really sure where I’m at today. I don’t have any grand theme about which I want to blog. Today just kind of is.


I kind of feel like I’ve got one foot (well, maybe 1 ¾ feet) in grieving Maddie, and the other foot (or ¼ of a foot) preparing for the possibility of the FET. I want to be present and hopeful for that. I need to give that process everything that it requires – all of the attention, hope, and care that anticipating a new child requires. That isn’t necessarily easy, but the two can coexist. I just need to learn how to let myself experience both, and recognize that what happened to Maddie doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen again if we get pregnant. There is hope, and that’s a good thing (even with as frightening as it is to let ourselves feel).

Physically - 3         Mentally - 8.5
Emotionally - 7      Spiritually - 8.5

10 weeks and 6 days - Unable

Since I can't say this in person, I need to say this here:


To my friend. I understand that you're upset about so-and-so saying blah blah blah to whomever about whatever. I know that I have listened to you talk a thousand times talk about this. But, I'll be honest with you. I don't care. I really don't. On The Giant List of Things I Care About, this clocks in somewhere around the 9 millions.

I'm not bitter or angry; I'm honestly glad that this is the biggest concern you have right now. That's a blessing, as much as it may not seem like it to you (and I truly don't want to minimize it). However, I still don't have the capacity to care right now. Right now I'm dealing with my parents breaking up. I'm trying to decide what to do with the frozen embryo transfer. I'm intensely grieving the loss of my daughter. I have a friend who is going through a horrible time in his marriage, and another who is struggling with personal issues. These are huge concerns to me, and I honestly just don't have it in me to give attention to this right now.

I hate that I can't be what you need - I am trying to be more giving and Christian, more generous for Maddie.  I am still and will always be your friend, which is why I don't say this to you. However, please understand that I just truly cannot give this the attention that you deserve and want. My perspective on these things has changed so much, and this is not your fault. It's mine.

10 weeks and 3 days - Where's the manual?

It's amazing how unique each day and feeling still seems when it's really all part of the same grief.  I logically know that there is no order for grief, and that it's unique for every person, but I keep wondering how we're supposed to know how to do this?  Where is the manual that says, "You're going to feel this way 6 weeks after your baby has died," "8 weeks after," etc.?  Where is the book that tells us what the right thing to do is, and how to make this better?  Where is the chapter that tells you when you're okay to try again?

I find that I have a lot of trouble actually saying the words "Maddie died."  It's just two words, it should be so simple - but instead I say things like, "She's in Heaven," or "She passed on."  There is too much harsh reality in those two words.

Physically - 6.5           Mentally - 7
Emotionally - 6.5        Spiritually - 8

10 weeks and 2 days - Paralyzed

Today is one of those days when I feel paralyzed by grief and fear.  I'm so afraid of going forward (especially with all of the uncertainty in our lives right now), but it's impossible to go back. 

I hate that it takes something like this summer to make me realize how very happy I was before everything started.  I wish I'd known and been able to fully be grateful for every moment I had before all of this took over my life.  Maddie doesn't deserve to be a source of pain.

Physically - 5           Mentally - 3
Emotionally - 2        Spiritually - 4

10 weeks and 1 day - Day 1

Sometimes I'm not incredibly eloquent.  I don't know the best way to describe all of this, so I'll just say what comes to mind:

Holy crap.

It has, to say the least, been an "eventful" summer.  Job loss in our household, the incredible loss of Maddie, and now my parents are divorcing.  Despite all of this, my husband and I have three embryos frozen, and decided that we're going to do the FET as soon as possible (the fertility dr wanted to wait two cycles after our loss).  I've been taking some Provera to accomplish this, since my PCOS is pretty severe and I never would get to two cycles on my own.

Well, to make an emotional week even bigger, today is Day 1 of the second cycle.  I'll get my official calendar tomorrow or Friday, but we've tentatively got a Plan.  (I need to capitalize "Plan" because that's how I operate - I need a goal, I need a next step, I need something tangible.)  It's exciting and terrifying and sad - Maddie was due November 14.  It's so hard to know if I'm ready to do this again in a few months - and if I'm ready for whatever the outcome will be.

We're going to keep this a lot closer to the vest this time.  I think that there are only a few friends/family who we'll tell this time as we go through the process.  It's just too hard - and I think that I need to only involve people who can support me as I need, who know that this baby (if it happens) will never be a replacement for Maddie. 

This is totally off-topic, but I am in constant awe of what I have.  My dear friends, the LFCA community, certain family members - it's been so incredible to have support that is watching out for me without me even asking.  I'm so very touched.

10 weeks - Learning

It's so hard to believe it's been 10 weeks.  It's so hard to believe that I was just holding her for the last time ten weeks and a half hour ago.  It's so hard to believe that she's never going to be in my arms again. 

I have said it over and over, but I am so grateful for the support I receive.  I have realized so much in the past 10 weeks - what is important, and who is here for me.  The people who read this blog, who call and write, who try and get me out of the house - those are my support.  I have realized that some people, as integral as they are in my life, just can't be who I need them to be - that they are unable of being someone I can trust, someone who supports me without making everything about themselves.  I'm learning, though, that this is okay - I just am learning what boundaries to set, and that I can't take care of everyone else right now.  I'm learning that we truly are powerless over anything but our own actions.  I am learning how to support others in a healthy way.

I realize that this entry is a bit frentic and is kind of a non-sequiter - I guess I also have realized that I don't have to make sense.

Physically - 6               Mentally - 4
Emotionally - 4            Spiritually - 6

9 weeks and 6 days - Seriously??

I have to admit it.  I try to be positive.  I try to see the sun through the rain.  Right now, though, I'm just having a bad time.

My mom announced to me on Saturday that she's divorcing my dad.   It wasn't a huge surprise, but it was a huge disappointment - for a lot of reasons. 

This is about my dad, but I'm just having a day when it's hard to see that anything good can happen to my husband and I.  If this were the first day of second grade and we had to write our papers asking "What did you do this summer," mine would read like this (in chronological order):

- Lost financial stability
- Lost our future when our dear baby died
- Lost my past and identity

I just need to think of the positive.  I am just so worried about my dad that perspective is difficult.  I question that there couldn't have been, I don't know, ANY possible better time to do this than two months after the family was put into a tailspin by the death of my daughter?

I apologize for how personal this blog is, and am not 100% comfortable with that.  It just feels about 1,000x bigger because of the immense mourning for Maddie.

Physically - 6.5       Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 2       Spiritually - 5.5

9 weeks and 3 days - "Catastrophic"

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly called the DSM) is somewhat the "last word" on mental disorders and temporary conditions; everything from grief to depression to schizophrenia is quantified and qualified for diagnostic purposes.

The DSM has a scale of the Severity of Psychosocial Stressors. Anyone want to guess where the death of a child rates? In the highest, most severe category, called "catastrophic." (http://stroke.ahajournals.org/cgi/content/full/28/6/1123 ) The other items in the category are "suicide of a spouse, devastating natural disaster, and enduring circumstances such as captivity as a hostage or in a concentration camp."

Wow, that's kind of heavy stuff. So is what we endure with this, however. So, we try and fit together our lives around the platitudes that we have heard since childhood.

One of the ones that I've always heard throughout my bouts with cancer and other things is the good old, "God doesn't give us more than we can bear." I actually think that there are times when people can't handle what God has given them for any of a number of reasons - people are locked in mental institutions, they commit suicide. It may be mental illness, it may be that they're overwhelmed, it may be that we can't process how to use the tools God has given us to deal. I don't know.  All I know is that this phrase isn't really helpful.

I actually think that I find more comfort and truth in this one: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." It's a little harsh, but it is true. As much as we hate that this is where we are, this does strengthen us. We are more prepared, we are more road-weary. We have survived the worst. We have been devastated and will never be the same - but we learn how to go on.

I have a callous relative who keeps telling me I "have to move on." She says that I can't think about Maddie, that I will only depress the people around me if I continue to think about her all of the time. I firmly disagree with that. Every day that I don't lie in bed all day with the covers over my head, I'm moving on. Every day that I get up and think about tomorrow, I'm moving on. My only responsibility right now is to be real - to myself and to Maddie.


Physically - 6.5                        Mentally - 7
Emotionally - 5                        Spiritually - 7.5

9 weeks 2 days - Forever

As the days go by, I realize over and over again that Maddie is gone forever.  She's not coming back, I'm not going to get to watch her grow up.

Forever is a long time to live without your child.

I have found some passages by different authors, anthologized in the book A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies.

The first is the beginning of a poem by Sydney Lea, called "After Labor Day."  She describes so perfectly in the second stanza how fresh and acute the pain is now, and always will be:

Your son is seven years dead.
"But it seems," I said, seeing your face
buckle in mid-conversation
as over the fields come winging the trebles
of children at holiday play -
I said, "But it seems like yesterday."

"No," you said,
"Like today."

The other is a single line from John Irving's novel The World According to Garp.  I have never read the book or seen the movie, but this line describes so precisely how everything is measured "before" and "after":

"Ever since Walt died," wrote T.S. Garp, "my life has felt like an epilogue."

The only sentiment that I haven't seen expressed is this:  In the precise moment that Maddie was born, she was both taken from me and given to me for forever.

Physically - 6.5          Mentally - 8
Emotionally - 4.5       Spiritually - 7

9 weeks 1 day - Lullabies

One of the most special moments of my life, and one that I will never forget, was being alone in my hospital room with my Maddie, rocking her and singing her a lullaby.  I will likely never share what lullaby it was or many details of that moment with anyone (other than my husband if he wants to hear it), but it's one of the most treasured moments of my entire life.

It made me think of some of the most common lullabies out there, however... and how terrifying they are when you actually listen to them.  They seem so cruel to those of us who have lost our babies:

Hush little baby, don't say a word...
Any mother who has held her stillborn or deceased infant knows how the last thing you ever want is for your baby to never say a word.  The delivery room is supposed to be loud, active, joyous - when your baby is born silent, the silence of that room echoes and pierces your soul.  I can never wish it upon any parent that their baby doesn't say a word.

...[W]hen the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all.
This is such a horrible mental image - and it leaves me with such a sense of helplessness.  It illustrates how we can't completely protect these little bundles - a feeling any mother who has lost her child knows all too well.

If God blesses me with another child, I want to make that child feel safe and secure in any way possible.  I know that an infant isn't going to take these lyrics the way I do, but part of making the baby feel safe would be for me to also feel good. 

Physically - 8             Mentally - 8.5
Emotionally - 7.5       Spiritually - 8