Just Amazed!

It constantly amazes me how much people already love our little girl.  It's so completely touching and sweet that others care about her so much.

The first reminder of this was on Friday, when a package arrived from Heather of In This Storm.  We opened it up to find the most adorable little hamper for Baby A/Jota's room!  It's just awesome - it's pink and matches her decor, and there's a little mesh bag inside that I can take right down to the washer!  I can't believe that kind of generosity and thoughtfulness - thank you SO much, Heather!  :)

Our couples' shower was last night, and it was amazing.  Our friends, J & M, were just so generous and thoughtful.  I can't even go into how grateful we are for everything, and everything we got - we received so many wonderful gifts, and were so blessed to have such an amazing time.  It was so sweet to just be able to kick back and relax with our friends for an evening - and a couples' shower is perfect in that it took the spotlight off of just me, and included JTD!  :)  I will post pictures here of just a few of the highlights:

M got a cake made that perfectly matched the invitations, which were absolutely precious.

An adorable diaper cake - I can't even list everything on here!  There are sleeper gowns, washcloths, blankets, lotion and shampoo/conditioner, car seat toys, and more!

Quite possibly the cutest swimsuit I have ever seen in my whole life!  It'll fit baby girl perfectly next summer - it's so cute!

My friend, M, made up letters of all of her name to hang up in her room - she matched the colors to her bedding, and brought in our little ladybug theme!  :)

There were just so many other wonderful things - towels and blankets, outfits and books, bath toys and healthy/beauty items.  It was such a great time!

Holy cow.

I'm just speechless and moved.  My friend Jess (of HERE and HERE) sent us the sweetest gift today.  Jess was my first "loss friend" after Maddie was born - she reached out to me because our stories were so similar, and her heart is so big.  My husband picked up the mail, and opened the box... there were so many things in there that I can't list them all.  She put in the sweetest little blanket and night light from the bedding set we have (HERE), a bunch of safety items (like a fridge lock, outlet plugs, etc.), the cutest little outfit, and just so much more.  I am unendingly amazed and supported by this community and the people in it.  Thank you so, so much, Jess - I can't wait until we see Clover's gender, and get to start looking for stuff for you!

Ultrasound tomorrow - a full one this time!  I'll try and post some pictures afterwards.

20 weeks and 2 days - Thankful

This has been a horrible, horrible year in so many ways - but focusing on that does nothing good for me.  I have so many reasons to be grateful.

I am so intensely grateful for my wonderful, amazing husband.  He is always supportive and sweet, even when it seemed like I wasn't going to be able to even function.  He's kind and smart, funny and wonderful.

I am grateful for a stable job that allows me to use my skills.

I am grateful for friends and family.  So many have provided support at different times, given generously of their hearts.

I am grateful for a God who has carried me through a horrible time, given me a focus and hope.

I am grateful for the wonderful women who come here and listen to me ramble, who share their own stories.

I am incredibly grateful for the gift of this pregnancy.  I worry every day that something bad is going to happen, but am just so lucky for every day I have with this baby.

I am grateful for my Maddie.  She was given to me on God's schedule, even though it wasn't mine.  I am so blessed that she was given to me, and she gives me hope everyday.  I want to live my life in a better way so that I might see her again someday.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

10 weeks and 6 days - Unable

Since I can't say this in person, I need to say this here:


To my friend. I understand that you're upset about so-and-so saying blah blah blah to whomever about whatever. I know that I have listened to you talk a thousand times talk about this. But, I'll be honest with you. I don't care. I really don't. On The Giant List of Things I Care About, this clocks in somewhere around the 9 millions.

I'm not bitter or angry; I'm honestly glad that this is the biggest concern you have right now. That's a blessing, as much as it may not seem like it to you (and I truly don't want to minimize it). However, I still don't have the capacity to care right now. Right now I'm dealing with my parents breaking up. I'm trying to decide what to do with the frozen embryo transfer. I'm intensely grieving the loss of my daughter. I have a friend who is going through a horrible time in his marriage, and another who is struggling with personal issues. These are huge concerns to me, and I honestly just don't have it in me to give attention to this right now.

I hate that I can't be what you need - I am trying to be more giving and Christian, more generous for Maddie.  I am still and will always be your friend, which is why I don't say this to you. However, please understand that I just truly cannot give this the attention that you deserve and want. My perspective on these things has changed so much, and this is not your fault. It's mine.

7 weeks and 1 day - "A Childless Mother"

I have recently been reading the book A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies.  It is a collection of poetry, short passages, and fiction by or about those who have lost children.  There is a passage that I read this weekend by W.E.B. Du Bois after he lost his two-year-old son, and was looking at his wife in the room where his child was:

"Only in the chamber of death writhed the world's most piteous thing - a childless mother..."

Wow.  That hits home on so many levels.  It first speaks to how the greatest pain in the world is being a mother without her child to hold, to love, to care for.  This is the worst pain I've ever faced.  I can handle the cancer.  I can handle things done to me.  I don't know how to handle all of my hope and dreams being gone, for my baby to not have a chance.  I wish it had been me.

The word "piteous," though, strikes home.  I can see it in people's eyes.  I'm grateful for the concern and compassion, and I want to know that they care - the pity is healing and hard, all at the same time.  There's also something else there, though, that they try to hide.  There's relief.  "I'm so glad that didn't happen to me."  I can see it there.  And I absolutely cannot blame them.  I am glad it didn't happen to them, either - although I sure as heck wish it hadn't happened to me.  People tend to stop talking about her - it's too hard for them, and I understand that.  Babies aren't supposed to die - especially not when there was so much struggle to have her, four years of trying.  This is our baby, our journey.  I don't expect anyone else to walk it with us - our friends and family are so amazingly supportive, and have poured out their affection, but this isn't their pain.  The only thing that I want is to hear people say her name every once in a while, to acknowledge that she was here.  JTD can barely bear to talk about her, but I just can't think about anything else.