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Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Alice was lying in my arms just now sleeping. As I watched her beautiful face, I began to cry harder and harder. I am so overwhelmed by my love for her, and so deeply missing Maddie. I have been blessed beyond measure with both of my girls - but the injustice of losing Maddie hit me fresh. I asked myself "why" with the same vehemence that I did in the early days - it isn't fair to JTD or I, certainly, but it isn't fair to her. She deserved to laugh, to cry, to love.
I miss you, Maddie. I hope you can feel how very loved you are always. I am so, so sorry.
I miss you, Maddie. I hope you can feel how very loved you are always. I am so, so sorry.
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Sunday, October 17, 2010
Almost 3 months old
Our little Alice Katherine (also known as "Allie Kat") turns 3 months old this coming Wednesday! My friend who runs Photography 139 took her photos today, and they're amazing. I don't have any ability or talent to retouch them, but here's a couple of the raw photos:
And here's a video of Alice snoring from last night:
And here's a video of Alice snoring from last night:
Friday, October 15, 2010
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
I am just remembering my beautiful little Madeleine today, as well as my wee one from so long ago. Also remembering the beautiful little babies of all of the beautiful women I've met online. Love to all.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Parenting Style
Cheryl posted today about her parenting philosophy, and I really liked the idea. Hence, I'm stealing it (sorry, Cheryl!).
I am a huge fan of Attachment Parenting, because it is just a natural extension of how I parent already. All of it makes sense to me. However, I don't just do something "because Dr. Sears said so."
I breastfeed, but I breastfeed how I can due to anatomy (mine and hers). I nurse Alice for as long as I can, then pump while JTD gives her whatever I pumped at the last feeding. There's a necessity every once in a while to supplement with formula, but that equates to maybe 4 oz. of formula per week. Maybe.
We co-sleep, and I'm proud of it. First of all, if you do it safely, it reduces the risk of SIDS (link). Secondly, it has totally changed the way Alice sleeps. She was getting up every 45 minutes or so for the first 5 weeks of her life. I started co-sleeping with her, and she can now go 4 - 7 hours at a time. She's amazing, and I love the closeness, since I don't get to be at home with her during the day.
I unfortunately have to work, even though I wish I could stay at home. We only have to take her to 12 hours of daycare each week - I work 7 - 4 on Monday - Friday, and JTD works 2 p.m. - 10 p.m. Monday - Thursday, has Friday off, and works Saturday morning. We don't get to see each other much, but it is best for her. We rarely go anywhere without her, so that means our social lives have changed greatly.
I respect others' choice to do so, but I refuse to let A "cry it out" in any form. I can't imagine being able to do so - my heart aches and I start crying, too, when I can't help her to stop crying. I want her every moment to be joyful, and want her to trust me. We do everything on-demand, and just let her tell us her needs.
We are vaccinating on schedule, and we also use disposable diapers. I wish we had the time or stomach to use cloth, but we don't.
We baby-wear when possible. I had a Hotsling, but it never really worked that well for us. I got a Beco Butterfly (much like an Ergo, but even higher rated) - I love it, and so does she.
I am a huge fan of Attachment Parenting, because it is just a natural extension of how I parent already. All of it makes sense to me. However, I don't just do something "because Dr. Sears said so."
I breastfeed, but I breastfeed how I can due to anatomy (mine and hers). I nurse Alice for as long as I can, then pump while JTD gives her whatever I pumped at the last feeding. There's a necessity every once in a while to supplement with formula, but that equates to maybe 4 oz. of formula per week. Maybe.
We co-sleep, and I'm proud of it. First of all, if you do it safely, it reduces the risk of SIDS (link). Secondly, it has totally changed the way Alice sleeps. She was getting up every 45 minutes or so for the first 5 weeks of her life. I started co-sleeping with her, and she can now go 4 - 7 hours at a time. She's amazing, and I love the closeness, since I don't get to be at home with her during the day.
I unfortunately have to work, even though I wish I could stay at home. We only have to take her to 12 hours of daycare each week - I work 7 - 4 on Monday - Friday, and JTD works 2 p.m. - 10 p.m. Monday - Thursday, has Friday off, and works Saturday morning. We don't get to see each other much, but it is best for her. We rarely go anywhere without her, so that means our social lives have changed greatly.
I respect others' choice to do so, but I refuse to let A "cry it out" in any form. I can't imagine being able to do so - my heart aches and I start crying, too, when I can't help her to stop crying. I want her every moment to be joyful, and want her to trust me. We do everything on-demand, and just let her tell us her needs.
We are vaccinating on schedule, and we also use disposable diapers. I wish we had the time or stomach to use cloth, but we don't.
We baby-wear when possible. I had a Hotsling, but it never really worked that well for us. I got a Beco Butterfly (much like an Ergo, but even higher rated) - I love it, and so does she.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Love
I love when Alice smiles at me with complete, reckless, gummy abandon.
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Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Pityriasis Rosea
So, I have a fairly long history of having weird, often rare medical stuff happen to me.
I was only the 16th child ever to have my type of cancer - not very many adults get it, but it's incredibly rare in children.
Very few people do IVF, but less than 1% of those who do get severe OHSS. I got it bad enough that I had to be drained, and our fresh transfer had to be postponed. Less than 1% of the population has cervical incompetence, and even fewer of those lose their babies.
I have an allergy to morphine, and have a really rare reaction where I get little red pinprick dots all over my body.
Due to my fairly weird history, I didn't think a whole lot when I developed a couple of red spots on my stomach and chest last week. Fast forward a few days, and my torso looks like this (don't mock, I just had a baby - I'm not going to look great):
The chest is even worse, and it was now spreading to my back. The odd thing was that it didn't really itch besides when I got out of the shower. Since it was getting progressively worse, however, I decided to finally cowboy up and go to the doctor.
I have a condition called pityriasis rosea. The good news is that it's not contagious (which is good, since Alice and JTD haven't caught it), and that I don't need any medicine to treat it (which is great, since I don't want to pump-and-dump anything). The bad news about it working itself out of my system on its own is that it hangs around for 6 - 8 weeks. So, I'm going to look like a leper for about another two months. I guess that kills wearing a strapless dress to the ball we're planning to attend in November...
I was only the 16th child ever to have my type of cancer - not very many adults get it, but it's incredibly rare in children.
Very few people do IVF, but less than 1% of those who do get severe OHSS. I got it bad enough that I had to be drained, and our fresh transfer had to be postponed. Less than 1% of the population has cervical incompetence, and even fewer of those lose their babies.
I have an allergy to morphine, and have a really rare reaction where I get little red pinprick dots all over my body.
Due to my fairly weird history, I didn't think a whole lot when I developed a couple of red spots on my stomach and chest last week. Fast forward a few days, and my torso looks like this (don't mock, I just had a baby - I'm not going to look great):
The chest is even worse, and it was now spreading to my back. The odd thing was that it didn't really itch besides when I got out of the shower. Since it was getting progressively worse, however, I decided to finally cowboy up and go to the doctor.
I have a condition called pityriasis rosea. The good news is that it's not contagious (which is good, since Alice and JTD haven't caught it), and that I don't need any medicine to treat it (which is great, since I don't want to pump-and-dump anything). The bad news about it working itself out of my system on its own is that it hangs around for 6 - 8 weeks. So, I'm going to look like a leper for about another two months. I guess that kills wearing a strapless dress to the ball we're planning to attend in November...
Friday, October 01, 2010
General Crankiness
I find that, since going back to work and getting so much less time to spend with Alice, that I'm a lot more surly. I don't like it, and it's not pretty - I'm usually "that really nice girl," but I keep finding myself being impatient. I'm usually pretty good about not saying what I'm thinking out loud, but I sure have a lot less time for people's crap now:
- To the family member who keeps making not-so-kind comments about our loss of Maddie: First of all, I didn't "loose" my baby. It's "lose," one o. She's not a knot that needs tightened - I guess my cervix was too "loose," but that's really not the point. More importantly, and why I'm actually upset, it's Madeleine, and her nickname is Maddie. We chose the traditional French spelling of Madeleine because JTD has French roots in his heritage, and we thought that this spelling of the nickname looked less like she was angry than "Maddy." If I have written her name and spelled it correctly in the same e-mail chain, please at least take the time to read and copy/paste when you type it. Or, if you're reading this blog and want to comment, please at least take the time to read the spellings I have ALL OVER THE PAGE. If you want to make jabs at me, that's fine, but don't disrespect my daughter.
- To the guy friend who keeps complaining every fifteen seconds about his 7-week old not sleeping: I get it. Not sleeping sucks. First of all, if you're going to ask for advice, you should probably pretend to take it, rather than arguing with everyone who tries to help... or just don't ask. Secondly, the updates EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (usually multiple times) via Facebook are getting old. You know how I know that you're making them at 3 a.m.? Because I'm also up. Big deal, we have babies, that's what they do. We're blessed to be changing blown-out, poopy diapers instead of sleeping, because these babies are miracles. Suck it up.
- I am breastfeeding how I am going to be able to bf. This means largely pumping, due to issues that don't get Alice enough food if we just nurse. I am comfortable with this - so you either can be, or not tell me about it.
These are just a couple of the rants that go on in my head at all times - I feel awful that I've got so many of them, but I just hate being away from her so much.
- To the family member who keeps making not-so-kind comments about our loss of Maddie: First of all, I didn't "loose" my baby. It's "lose," one o. She's not a knot that needs tightened - I guess my cervix was too "loose," but that's really not the point. More importantly, and why I'm actually upset, it's Madeleine, and her nickname is Maddie. We chose the traditional French spelling of Madeleine because JTD has French roots in his heritage, and we thought that this spelling of the nickname looked less like she was angry than "Maddy." If I have written her name and spelled it correctly in the same e-mail chain, please at least take the time to read and copy/paste when you type it. Or, if you're reading this blog and want to comment, please at least take the time to read the spellings I have ALL OVER THE PAGE. If you want to make jabs at me, that's fine, but don't disrespect my daughter.
- To the guy friend who keeps complaining every fifteen seconds about his 7-week old not sleeping: I get it. Not sleeping sucks. First of all, if you're going to ask for advice, you should probably pretend to take it, rather than arguing with everyone who tries to help... or just don't ask. Secondly, the updates EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (usually multiple times) via Facebook are getting old. You know how I know that you're making them at 3 a.m.? Because I'm also up. Big deal, we have babies, that's what they do. We're blessed to be changing blown-out, poopy diapers instead of sleeping, because these babies are miracles. Suck it up.
- I am breastfeeding how I am going to be able to bf. This means largely pumping, due to issues that don't get Alice enough food if we just nurse. I am comfortable with this - so you either can be, or not tell me about it.
These are just a couple of the rants that go on in my head at all times - I feel awful that I've got so many of them, but I just hate being away from her so much.
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