High maintenance? I think so...

Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm officially considered "high-maintenance" by my OB's office after today. This is an odd, less-than-great feeling, since I try to be the opposite of high-maintenance in my normal life. I'm definitely particular and thorough, but not high-maintenance. (Well, unless we're talking about food. Then I'm incredibly picky - texture, taste, etc. really get to me, and I usually don't eat leftovers. Anyway, not the point.)


Yesterday afternoon my back started aching pretty badly. It was down pretty low, and radiated across my entire back. I've been lying down for about 10 weeks now, though, so I figured it was the aches and pains I have had pretty constantly, just maybe a bit worse. The pressure and stretching I've been feeling in my cervix was happening more frequently, though, and was hurting more. I don't think I would have freaked out about that if I hadn't had a fairly painful contraction around 8:30. I've been having lots of Braxton Hicks, but this one seemed to really put pressure on the cervix and hurt the abdomen some, and it just wasn't good. I didn't have another one that big all night (just one other smaller one), so I figured I'd wait until morning, then call yet again.

I did, and they wanted to see me, just to be safe. My OB was just awesome - I started apologizing the minute he came into the room (I am an over-apologizer, but I really wanted to let him know that I feel bad for bothering them so much). He told me not to worry about it, they told me to come in as often as need be for a reason, and they meant it. He explained to the med student who's been with him for a couple of weeks how important the weeks between 23 and 27-28 are for survival rate likelihood, and explained to him that the next four weeks would be hell on me. It was nice to just hear that I'm not insane.

So, he did another manual exam. Didn't hurt quite as bad as Monday, but still was really painful. He said there's still pressure on the cerclage, but we're still long and tight. He said that we were going to get a cervical length ultrasound, though, just to be safe.

The ultrasound, however, went amazing. Still over 3 cm long, still closed and tight, and the tech was shocked (as was the doctor) to not see any funneling. Baby Jota's heartrate was 154 bpm, and she's still a girl. :) It was so amazing to see her with a little bit of a tummy on her - she's gotten so big in just three weeks.

I went back to follow-up with the doctor, and he just kept patting my hand and telling me that we're doing great. This type of stuff is bound to happen with a truly incompetent cervix, and I'm bound to get upset - we lost a baby before in the saddest way imaginable, so this is going to be terrifying. It just is. We will see him again next Tuesday for another u/s, but he said to continue calling if I had any problems. I've never been so happy to be sent home in my life.

Increased Monitoring

I was having some new pressure/pain yesterday (feels like sharp stretching, for lack of a better term), so I called the OB today and he fit me in this afternoon for an appointment.

It wasn't as great as I had hoped it would be.  It sure wasn't as bad as it could have been, but I had just wanted to hear that I was imagining things.  I didn't hear that.

He did a manual exam.  It was incredibly painful - he felt the stitch, and said that there was some pressure on it.  He didn't do an ultrasound, as we just had one nine days ago and have one next week, but said that he'd guess there might be a slight bit of funneling, too.  Great.  The cervix was still closed tight (which is great), so he's not going to change my actual treatment at all yet, but he's increasing my visits to every week from every other week.

Things had been going so well, and I know that he's said that I WOULD funnel at some point since I have a truly incompetent cervix (and that's why we have the cerclage)... but I was just hoping somehow it wouldn't happen.  I sure didn't want it to happen this early.  I know that this wasn't even a bad visit compared to what it could have been and to what others are enduring, but I'm just so scared.  I want to support this little girl for 37 weeks, and I just hate that my body isn't doing that like it should, is possibly hurting her.  I'm trying not to let myself cry, as I don't want to hurt things further... but I just so desperately want her to be safe and healthy. 

23 weeks tomorrow

Officially five months tomorrow.  It is so hard to believe that we're one week away from viability. 

I'm finally letting myself buy just a couple of things.  I got this (LINK) - we'd gotten the crib, dresser, and bedding just three days before I went into labor with Maddie, and we wanted the girls to share them.  (I'll try and get a picture of what the nursery looks like so far sometime soon - we set it up as a place to remember Maddie after her birth.)  Anyway - the crib bumper is adorable, but I am just panicked about SIDS, so I got this breathable one.  I also ordered a wall hanging with the new baby's first name on it that matches the bedding - we're keeping it a secret, but we figured we'd want to have it no matter what happened.

I also let JTD take the very first pregnancy picture tonight.  I have been resisting for a really long time, just because it's so hard to look at the ones from when I was pregnant with Maddie.  Here's Jota, though (and a really huge chest, sorry, and I'm also rocking the extra-classy maternity yoga pants):

Perspective

I just saw a really dumb image on a TV commercial.  It was for some local lawyer or something, but it showed a man standing out in the middle of a hedge maze.  The only thing was that he was at least 2.5 feet taller than the hedges, and he was just looking out in the distance - how is it a maze if you can see over it?

I keep wishing I could just see over the hedges right now (not likely even in practical senses, since I'm all of 5'2"...).  I would be able to see past all of this worry.  I worry that the baby won't be healthy.  I worry about my body not cooperating, and that it will hurt her.  I worry that I'm getting blood clots or something in my legs from lying down so much, even though I get up to go to the bathroom, and exercise my legs at least once an hour.  I worry that the stomach problems I'm having right now are going to somehow hurt the baby.  I worry that something is going to happen to my husband, whom I love so very much.  I worry that I won't be a good mom, if we're blessed enough to have this little girl be born healthy.  I worry about Maddie, and that she feels our love.  I worry, I worry, I worry, and it seems like all I ever think about (or post on here).

It would be so much easier if I could just pull up and view the maze from above.  I know, though, that God sees my maze from above, and that He's guiding me through it, turn by turn.  I'm just not going to be able to see the end until we're out of it, and I just have to trust.  I just need to remind myself of that, as I try and break free and guide myself blindly - and that there are mazes that are so much more complicated than mine.  I'm so blessed to have the support and love that I do. 
(I apologize that the analogy is a bit corny - it just seemed apropos.)

Too Much Drama!

Before starting my story, I just wanted to send lots of love to Bree as she is in the hospital with her sweet Nora.

Today was way more dramatic than it needed to be.  The morning started off fairly slowly - I had noticed earlier this week that my license had expired (oops - I blame it on the cerclage being on Jan. 18, and my birthday on Jan. 24, as I haven't been out of the house much since then).  My dad cheerfully took me over to the DMV, and we got all finished in record time (which was shocking).  It was, however, a lot more standing than I was used to, and Baby Jota has been kicking my cervix a TON the past several days.  I was having some slight pressure, but just came back into the house and tried to lie down for a while.  I kept having some pressure, as well as some abdominal cramping, however, so I started to get worried. 

My husband actually works at the hospital in the bigger nearby town (which we'll henceforth call "BNT," a town of about 50,000), and was at work this morning until 2 p.m.  This is the hospital where we delivered Maddie, and where most treatment nearby goes through - but after talking to my husband, we decided I'd try out the hospital here in the town where we live (I'll just call it "HERE" for simplicity's sake).  We didn't want me driving the 12 miles to BNT, and my OB's group doesn't really do on-call unless the hospital calls them.  The town where I live only has about 6500 people, and we both had some concerns that they'd have capable facilities or knowledge to deal with my issues.  Hence, I called the hospital HERE and explained the short version of my situation and my symptoms, asking if I should be seen, and if they could handle a case like me.  They resolutely said yes and yes, so I went the three blocks to the hospital.

It turns out that they were NOT prepared for my case.  They did a Doppler to listen for heartbeat (153), but the doctor came in and explained that they didn't really have any other resources there - they had no contraction monitors, no TV ultrasounds, and he was afraid of hurting something if he did a manual exam.  (I was more than a bit frustrated at this point that they had wasted my time having me come there first.)  He first wanted to transfer me by ambulance for overnight observation to their affiliate hospital, a big hospital about an hour away - this is where my peri is, and where I had my cerclage.  I explained that my OB was in BNT, though, and that I'd been released by my peri entirely to the OB's care since 16 weeks (and I'm 22 weeks today), so it didn't make sense to me to go down there.  I also didn't even know that my symptoms were really that serious, as I wasn't bleeding or contracting - just having pain and pressure.  He begrudgingly said I could go to BNT, but still wanted to transfer me by ambulance.  Since my husband was getting off of work at that time, I said I'd just have him take me in.  They called ahead, got me some transfer papers, and sent me to the L&D at BNT.

We got there and they got me into a room.  Contraction monitor went on - no contractions, which was very good.  They monitored me for a while, then sent me down for a cervical length ultrasound.  Fortunately, it was 3.20cm - which was a relief, since it was 3.16 at 20w3d.  No funneling, baby looked good (well, her head did, anyway, since that's all we could see).  All was good - they're pretty sure that I've just had too much going on.  They released me entirely with a hug and a wave.  I've never been so happy to be overreacting in all of my life, but I'm so glad I stood firm on not being transferred down to the bigger city.

So Unspeakably Moved.

Yesterday evening, my husband went out and got the mail.  This is noteworthy because we really don't do it anywhere near as often as we should, in all honesty.  Our bills get paid online for the most part, so it's mostly just the actual paper bills and junk mail.  Pretty uninspiring, plus the mailbox is in a totally awkward place.

He brought the mail in, and there were two items that just touched my heart.  The first was a card from my good ("real life") friend JG - she and her husband are actually Maddie's godparents.  She sent a card to give us love for that magical day of gestation (21w3d), as she knew it would be hard.  She poured out her love for JTD, myself, baby Jota, and our little Maddie in Heaven.  I'll keep this card for forever.

JTD then brought me a box.  I hadn't ordered anything, so it surprised me.  I opened it up, and had to start crying.  I received the sweetest package from one of you, one of my online friends, who wanted to remain incognito.  It was just filled to the brim - she sent me both some Heartburn Tea (and do I need it!) and some Peaceful Mama Tea (I need that, too!) from Earth Mama, Angel Baby.  She sent me some Burt's Be.es deep hand creme, as well as an entire foot care kit (including lotion and a pumice stone - perfect timing, as mine was worn down after this winter of being inside!).  There was a huge container of gummi bears (which I LOVE - I've had a sweet tooth lately, but nothing around the house!).  And here's the last thing that was in there:

This is a horrible picture that I took with my camera phone here a few minutes ago, so it doesn't do it justice.  This is just beautiful cross-stitch, so intricate and lovely.  I think so often of Maddie as our little butterfly, so this just made me cry tears of gratitude. 

I am so blessed and rich with the people in my life.  I just pray that everyone has the same.  Hugs and love to all.

New Territory

I survived.  I made it past the 21w3d mark.  I have to admit - Monday was worse than yesterday was, because I kept thinking things like, "At this time with Maddie, I was just getting to the hospital."  "At this time, she kicked me for the last time."  When I woke up yesterday, everything was already past the 12:08 a.m. mark.

So, now I am more pregnant than I ever got to be with Maddie.  I am so grateful for this opportunity and this little girl inside of me - I just want to give her everything I can.  I worry so much that this won't happen for us, but I also worry about my abilities to be a mother.  I want to be amazing.  I don't want to do the things to this baby that made me hurt as a child.  I spend a lot of time worrying that I'll be selfish, impatient, or angry - that I'll be unkind or act inconvenienced.  I don't ever want to do that to my baby.  I know no parent is perfect, but I just want to do this right.  I want to give this baby the best of everything, as I try and give Maddie all of the love I have while she's in Heaven.

21 weeks 2 days... almost 21 weeks 3 days

I first wanted to thank people for their overwhelmingly sweet reactions to my post yesterday.  I hope I didn't come off as complaining - I just don't want any other women receiving judgment, so I figured I'd be a jerk and be vocal about it.  :)

Today is 21 weeks and 2 days, which obviously makes tomorrow 21 weeks 3 days.  At this exact point in our pregnancy with Maddie, I was in the hospital in labor, waiting to deliver our beautiful little girl.  (She would eventually come at 12:08 a.m.) 

I don't know why, but I'm having a harder time with this than I did with her due date, or with most other things.  I am so incredibly thrilled for this baby to be doing well (praying that continues to be true), but I feel a little like I'm betraying Maddie.  As of 12:09 a.m.. tomorrow morning, I'll be more pregnant than I ever got to be with that wonderful, beautiful little girl.  I pray that this pregnancy continues on for many, many more weeks, but I just feel bad for Maddie for some reason.

I know that this is entirely illogical.  This pregnancy is a totally different pregnancy than Maddie's, and it in no way negates her.  I logically know that today and tomorrow are not milestones that belong to anyone else, or even really matter - I just feel that little pang and pray for the happiness of the beautiful little girl that is while I hope and pray for the safety for the little girl to be.

Unsure of what to do

I'm not even sure of how to word this, so I'm just going to jump in.  I have received a couple of e-mail messages lately from babyloss mamas that have included a couple of little jabs about how grateful I should be for this pregnancy, of how it must be nice to be "getting over" the loss Maddie.  These sound innocuous, but they were pretty passive-aggressive jabs at me in the context of the e-mail messages.

The last thing I ever want to do is to make others feel uncomfortable with my blogs.  I'm not so self-aggrandizing as to think that what I write is even of interest to others, let alone being important.  I don't want others to feel worse about themselves when they come here and read about our pregnancy.

I think that making mean comments to others is pretty unfortunate, however.  Absolutely nobody knows anyone else's situation.  This pregnancy isn't me "getting over" Maddie - there's no way to ever do that.  I cry as I talk to her at least once a day.  And I'm positive that I am entirely grateful for this pregnancy - we went through five years of infertility that included IUI's, surgery, drugs, and ultimately IVF, and then our precious little girl was taken from us.  Every fiber of my body is acutely aware that I'll be 21w3d on Tuesday, the exact gestational day on which I had to say goodbye to my daughter.  I know what it's like to be infertile, to want and to ache, to lose, and to mourn.  I have worked for this pregnancy in every sense of the word - emotionally, financially, physically.  Just as I don't know anyone else's story fully, they don't know mine.  It just saddens me to see people using others' children and their loss against them to make themselves feel better - I would hope they would just not read.

The Origin of the Lucky Underwear

I received a few e-mail questions about my "lucky underwear" yesterday, so I figured an explanation would be in order! I'm not a superstitious person - just silly!


I am something of a college basketball fan - I have interest in the overall system, but am most interested in our local college team. We're in the Big XII conference (although not anywhere near the top), so games are pretty well-attended. I had season tickets for a few years - I haven't gone the last two years due to IVF/FET stuff, but made almost every game before that. They often have a competition during a time-out in the second half where two teams of two do what's called the "Build-A-Burger Race." Each member of the team will dress up in a hamburger bun costume. The first person goes and gets the "hamburger patty," then lies down on the floor with it on top of them. The second person then goes and does a relay back and forth to retrieve the plastic lettuce, tomato, bacon, and cheese or something, placing each on top of their partner. After they bring back the last item, they flop down on top of the burger they've just created (including their partner down on the floor) - first team to accomplish this wins. They usually have students participate in this while class is in session, but they let the crowd submit their names for it over Christmas break. Since I'm a huge nerd, I decided to submit my name... and my partner and I got called. And we won, which is cool, since I am fairly (read: "incredibly") competitive. What was the prize, you ask? No prize other than the satisfaction of a race well-run, and the lifelong knowledge that I'd embarrased myself in front of between 5,000 and 10,000 people.

Well, I decided arbitrarily that day that our victorious burger-building was due to the underwear I was wearing that day, and that they would hold a special place of honor. (I'm guessing I chose the underwear out of all of the items I was wearing because I have a ton of underwear. Like, ridiculous numbers.) Hence, the "lucky underwear." It was almost entirely a joke, but it seemed like a fun one between my husband and I.

I then actually kind of started integrating them into special days, for some reason. I wore them during the egg retrieval, and we ended up getting 31 eggs (I overstimulated and had to freeze the embryos, but in theory that means that they worked too well). I wore them when we had Maddie's embryo transfer, and it was successful - as were her ultrasounds to which I wore them. Same thing with Baby Jota's transfer, the cerclage (knock on wood), and the ultrasound yesterday. Now I guess my question is... if it isn't broken, why fix it? :)

20-week ultrasound!

Oh, my gosh, what a day.  I put on my lucky underwear this morning, then tried to figure out how I was going to make it for the next hours until the appointment - thank goodness work kept me busy.  (And all of the messages about people keeping my cervix in their thoughts definitely helped!)

We got there, and did the cervical check first.  It was great.  No funneling, no dilation - measuring 3.16.  That means that it's shorter than 4 weeks ago (when it was at 3.7), but in good condition.  The doctor isn't going to worry unless there's reason to do so.  Next we did the growth check.  Baby is perfect.  I'm 20w3d, and measuring 21w3d in almost everything.  The baby's femur was measuring right on the 20w3d - I asked if it was okay to have the measurements a week apart, and the tech said they didn't worry until it got to two weeks.  (I wonder if the fact that my husband and I have incredibly short legs has anything to do with it!)

Then, it was time for the gender.  The baby had been keeping legs crossed for the beginning of the ultrasound, but then let us have a peek.  I saw the three lines, and said, "That sure looks like a girl, doesn't it?!"  The tech confirmed that indeed it did - we're having a wonderful, beautiful little girl!  She promptly re-crossed her legs and kept them that way for the remainder of the ultrasound.  She was super-active, though, and so perfect - it is just amazing to see her and think of her.  I'm so glad that we can share Maddie's things with her, that our girls can have such a special bond.  I'm just in love with this baby.

Thank you so much to everyone for your well wishes - I just can't tell you how much they mean!

Priorities

I'm not sure if I'm practical or insane.  Our 20-week ultrasound is tomorrow, hopefully we can find out what gender the baby is... and the first thing I think about is, "Man, I sure hope there's no funneling and that I'm supporting the baby."  I pray that my cervix is long, closed, and tight.  Then I pray that the baby itself is healthy.  I feel like that's more of a given, since Maddie was perfect and the baby itself has been so perfect so far... but it just seems so unimportant today what the baby's gender is.  It's so far down the list of important issues. 

I'm pretty sure that this is the first time I've ever said this sentence:  Please keep my cervix in your thoughts!  :)  But, more importantly, please keep Baby Jota there!

8 Months in Heaven

Happy 8 month birthday, Madeleine Rose.  I love and miss you so very, very much every day.

So Touched.

I just got a chance to catch up on the day's blogs after work, and noticed that someone had thought of me to submit me - I'm just so touched, I can't even say.  Thank you to all of you who think of me - I truly have tears in my eyes.

We'll be 20 weeks tomorrow.  It's so hard to remember that Maddie was born at 21w3d - I know that this cerclage is doing a great job, but I just didn't realize how hard these preceding few weeks would be, worrying and anticipating.  Then I realize how very blessed I am, and God lets me know to just be still.

Let's see... updates.  I kind of freaked out on Tuesday.  Baby Jota has been kicking a lot (which is great!), but it has felt like some of the kicks were in my cervix (which could be imagined, you never know).  I called my OB and he got me in immediately (he encouraged me to come as often as needed) - he didn't do an ultrasound, but the manual exam showed that the cervix was still firm and tight, and quite long.  Our ultrasound is on this coming Tuesday - we'll get a glimpse at my cervix, and we'll do the whole obstetrical exam.  (Hopefully Baby J will be cooperating and also show us gender!) 

I think I've also been having Braxton Hicks contractions.  My belly gets hard, and I feel just the slightest bit of tightening - not painful at all, just... tight.  It really freaked me out the first several times that it was silent contractions or something, but then I realized that my body is SUPPOSED to be practicing - the cerclage will keep the cervix from dilating.  I will ask my OB again on Tuesday, though, to make sure that's what I'm actually experiencing.

I just wanted to thank everyone again for all of their support of me, my friend MM, Maddie, and everything else.  I am just so blessed.

Thinking of MM

I spent all of yesterday's blog complaining about how scared I am, how lonely I am, etc.  Shortly after I posted the blog, however, a friend of mine I talk to online e-mailed me.  She lost her son last year at 18-weeks due to incompetent cervix after doing IVF, and had done IVF again a few weeks before our FET this fall.  She had a McDonald cerclage done at about 12 weeks.  Her twin boys were born yesterday morning at 22 weeks, and they passed on to Heaven. 

My heart just breaks for her.  I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, and she was going through one of the worst things on Earth.  Sending her all my love.

Circles

I'm a fairly big music nerd, but usually keep it pretty private because I know not everyone likes what I do. I apologize in advance if Soul Coughing wasn't your thing (I personally loved them), but this song has been running through my head non-stop lately:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNKzGzyUPkM

Most of the song ("Circles") isn't relevant, but the first lines of the chorus keep going through my head. "I don't need to walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in..."

Yes, it's clever because his lyrics are going in circles and all of that, but mostly it just pertains to how I've been feeling lately. I am so happy that this baby is healthy, but I just keep going through the same thought processes. I'll go to the doctor and will feel better for a day or two (although it's been almost a month since my last length u/s, and that's freaking me out). Then I'll have a new cramp or a pain (I'm getting used to the old ones, but new ones scare me), or something little will happen, and then I panic. It's all I can think about until the next time I go to the doctor, at which time the cycle restarts.

I don't like this "me." I want to be happy for every second I've got with this baby, and to live in the moment - I want to be so confident in this cerclage and in my body, but I get lonely at night with just these thoughts. I hate being weak - I think about how much we wanted Maddie, too, how my body failed her, and how I am so terrified it will happen again. Normally I would go to my grief counselor, but I'm obviously fairly stuck to the couch. I know none of this is new or surprising to anyone who's gone through all of this, and I am so sorry to whine - it is just one of those days where I needed to say it aloud (e-loud?), rather than to keep walking in circles. As I write this, my little Jota is kicking me in the gut to remind me that he or she is okay right now, and that's all that's important.