I'm not even sure of how to word this, so I'm just going to jump in. I have received a couple of e-mail messages lately from babyloss mamas that have included a couple of little jabs about how grateful I should be for this pregnancy, of how it must be nice to be "getting over" the loss Maddie. These sound innocuous, but they were pretty passive-aggressive jabs at me in the context of the e-mail messages.
The last thing I ever want to do is to make others feel uncomfortable with my blogs. I'm not so self-aggrandizing as to think that what I write is even of interest to others, let alone being important. I don't want others to feel worse about themselves when they come here and read about our pregnancy.
I think that making mean comments to others is pretty unfortunate, however. Absolutely nobody knows anyone else's situation. This pregnancy isn't me "getting over" Maddie - there's no way to ever do that. I cry as I talk to her at least once a day. And I'm positive that I am entirely grateful for this pregnancy - we went through five years of infertility that included IUI's, surgery, drugs, and ultimately IVF, and then our precious little girl was taken from us. Every fiber of my body is acutely aware that I'll be 21w3d on Tuesday, the exact gestational day on which I had to say goodbye to my daughter. I know what it's like to be infertile, to want and to ache, to lose, and to mourn. I have worked for this pregnancy in every sense of the word - emotionally, financially, physically. Just as I don't know anyone else's story fully, they don't know mine. It just saddens me to see people using others' children and their loss against them to make themselves feel better - I would hope they would just not read.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
32 comments:
I know you will never "be over" Maddie. How could you be? Just becuase you have chosen to keep on living and to bring her sibling into this world, does not mean you are leaving her behind. I am so sorry people are saying this to you. They obviously don't understand what a diffiuclt position it is to be in. xx
*Hugs* I am sorry that you have had that experience. I am convinced that you never get over the loss of a child. You just get through the grief and the pain. Maddy is a part of you and she always will be. You needed to do what is right for you and for you it was to try again for another child. It doesn't mean you are "over" Maddie. *hugs*
Ugh :( *hug*
You're right, they are trying to hurt you to make themselves feel better. Hopefully they'll learn that doesn't work.
There's nothing in this blog that I've read that ever made me think that you've "gotten over" Maddie. I know it's hard but try to ignore them. I'll shout my support louder to drown out the meanies!
You ladies just made me cry. Thank you. I hope it didn't seem like I was whining - and I certainly don't want to shame others, it was just something that I wanted to point out before anyone else was the recipient of such words. All of your support just means so much to me - hugs to you all. Tina, Jessica, Jill - you're just amazing, inspiring women.
Sister this is your blog and I know its hard, but let it roll. You know how you feel and that is all that matters. How this little one can replace Maddy is a ridicules thought and I can't believe that people would think that! It makes me mad that people are using you to make themselves feel better! AHHHHHH Giving you a huge hug, I hope you can feel it! Thinking of you as you cross this big milestone with this little one.
Oh, sweetie, thank you. That means so much - I hate even mentioning it, but it is one of those things that I just think, "If it's happening to me..." I'm just a jerk enough that I figured I'd mention it! ;)
I am so sorry people made you feel that way. This blog is for you. It is your space to express what you want. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Anyone who reads here knows how much you love Maddie and how there is no 'getting over' her. Sending you so much LOVE right now! xoxo
Oh, Jill, you're such a sweetie. I truly hate complaining - it just seemed so needlessly hateful to me, and I hate thinking that it might also be happening to other women. You're so sweet, and I'm so glad that you ladies who truly know don't doubt my love for Maddie.
Oh I'm so sorry you are getting those emails. That' just uncalled for. You have been through enough with having that to deal with too.
Heather, you're just too sweet. I mean it. :) I truly just hate that any of us have been through any of this, and don't think it's fair.
Your blog should be the place where you feel comfortable discussing whatever you want to whether that's happiness, fear or whatever you're feeling that particular day in your pregnancy. Being pregnant with a rainbow baby is so hard because you're still so in love with the baby that you lost and it's scary to fall in love with the new baby...people don't understand unless they've walked this journey...
*Your blog hasn't been coming up in my reader and for that I'm sorry! I'm so happy for you! I feel terrible that you're over halfway through your pregnancy and I'm just now getting my act together! Congrats again! I'm going to add your blog address again and hopefully I won't miss anymore big news*
Oh, JenJen, I love that you are here now. :) you put it so perfectly - I am so nervous to celebrate this baby as it deserves while I mourn her sister, who deserves such love. It is always balance...and the search for it.
I can hardly believe that some people could be so cruel. We BLMs should be totally here to support one another, not tear down.You will never get over Maddie. You will, of course, learn to cope better as the years go on, but you will never forget her or get over her.Knowing the feeling of having a child inside me that I loved is what made me try again after our daughter's death.I just wish you all the very best and pray a healthy baby comes home with you to stay.
Blessings, Sarita Boyette
sboyette@tx.rr.com
Oh lady! I am so sorry! What is wrong with people? I just don't understand begrudging someone the few happy moments they get. No one can tell you how to feel or react the things you are going through right now... I'm just so sorry people can't see that you need to cope and deal in the best ways you know how.
I'm sending you some support - I wish I could say "just ignore them" but I know you can't. This is about your life and your struggles and your children. Like you said, no one else knows what it is like to be you.
All of us who read your blog regularly know that you are not using this pregnancy to "get over" Maddie. And I don't even think you would even want to "get over" her. Maddie was your first child and you will never stop loving her. You may learn to live without crying every day someday, but really... she will always be in your heart.
Plus, I also know that you ARE grateful for Jota.
Don't let others tear you down for your happiness. Maybe these people are feeling angry in their own grief, but that doesn't excuse them trying to make you feel bad.
Keep writing for yourself. The only person you need to please here is you.
I think Tina hit it on the head: as much as we would like the world to stop so that we could live in our grief and mourning, it doesn't and it won't. We have no choice but to move forward - and I hate that their is an implication that because we have lost children, we should either not have any more or that we should look at the ones that we are blessed with as 'replacements'. How sad that there are people out there who think that getting pregnant again just makes everything that you have gone through disappear. Big, big hugs.
oooooooooh when I read this I want to say GIVE ME THEIR EMAIL ADDRESS. It makes me so angry. You don't deserve anyone's e-mails at all! Honestly, I know these blogs are for us, to help us grieve, but I know additionally that reading others helps me SO much. You don't come across to me that way at ALL. Not at all. Im' sorry this hurt you.
I want to give them a piece of my mind! (not that it would matter)
I'm sorry honey... I am just so sorry. I dont know why people feel the need to say hurtful things.
I just wanted to send all of you ladies another hug of gratitude. I am just so touched by all of your love and good thoughts. And you're right - unfortunately, there are people like this out there. HUGS.
There is no getting over the loss of a child. It is unfortunate that some members of the bereaved parent community put their own issues into emails/comments to others.
Cngratulations on your new pregnancy, and I am sorry you lost your Maddie.
Having another baby can help to fill your life with joy but it certainly doesnt remove the pain of losing your first baby.
Its harder to hear these comments from a fellow DBM I think because it seems like of anyone, they should understand! Sadly that is not always the case.
Know that the rest of us are all behind you and that we understand.
I am so sorry that people are saying this to you. You never "get over" the loss of a child. People just don't understand. I've had people say similar things to me, like once I get pregnant again, I can move on. We're always moving forward, but our babies will always be a part of our futures, too. Super big hugs!!!!
I've come over from the LFCA to say that although I haven't read your blog before I'm so sorry to hear that people are saying hurtful things.
Oh, honey! I am so sorry you've gotten some nasty comments! Frankly, how you feel and what you say on your blog is your business and no one else's. If someone wants to come and keep up with you and be supportive, that's wonderful! If not, then perhaps they should move on and find someone else's blog they can feel support for. How you deal with your loss and how you are feeling about this pregnancy is yours not anyone else's. So never feel you have to apologize. I know you will never "get over" Maddie and I think it's horrible for anyone to say such a thing. But there are people in this world who are only concerned with their own feelings and don't think how someone else is really feeling. Try not to let them bother you too much.
Sending massive huge hugs your way!
I can't imagine who TF would email you such crap. Anyone who's been around knows that you don't need to justify ANYTHING. You don't need to defend being happy or scared or depressed or detached or anything that you're feeling, because anything is ok. It's obviously what you need to be feeling. And this is your blog, write what you need to and if it changes 180 degrees the next day, that's life.
I've had a lot of time under the bridge before becoming pregnant again and it's still a mental exercise. I think any way you need to get through it is fine.
Wish these people would find something else to do with their time.
What Tash said. Thinking of you.
Here from LCFA.
I'm sorry you have had that experience. I will never get over my loss and even if I could get over it, I cannot imagine dictating what someone else's grief process should be.
I wish peace and comfort for you as you approach your hard milestone.
Also here from LFCA and want to say that I cannot possibly know how you feel but I can't for a minute imagine that one ever gets over the loss of a child - ever and having another child is certainly no cure. I am sending you lots of strength as you face this milestone and waiting to hold you healthy baby in your arms.
This would be the longest comment in the world if I replied to you all, but I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. There are so many lovely ladies in the BL and IF communities, and I'm just so touched by you all. HUGS.
I am here from LFCA just to send you love and support. I can only imagine being on your shoes, how dare people to judge you and your feelings??...a new pregancy does not erase the past,the sadness and the hurt, but will make your future happier... I am sure. wishing you all the best and i hopre that you can enjoy your third trimester and may it be worry-free! HUGS
I have lost two sons, and now have a healthy daughter who is almost a year old. I thank God for her every day, but she didn't REPLACE my sons. She is her own child, to be loved and valued for who SHE is. My boys are still loved and valued for who they were (and are) and always will be. People have insinuated the same thing to me . . .that I should be "over" the loss of my sons now that I have my daughter. It simply does not work that way. Each of our children is special and important to us, and we will always miss our babies who aren't with us here on earth. You are absolutely entitled to continue missing them and grieving for their loss for the rest of your life, even while you will enjoy the beauty of another child.
Here from LFCA. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know it is really hard. For the longest time, I didn't have an email link because of that reason. Just rest assured that there are many people in this community who understand Maddie will never be replaced and that you have every right to express yourself in any way you want on your own blog.
Take care
This is your space and you have the right to write whatever you feel, whether anybody agrees with it or not. If somebody doesn't like it then they can hit the road. You should never have to watch your words and be afraid to offend anyone.
Whoever emailed you just needs to get over it. Sounds like it's bugging them that your pregnant. They should know that you're not getting over Maddie. That's just ridiculous. And there's no doubt to me that you are grateful for this new little one.
Post a Comment