I just saw a really dumb image on a TV commercial. It was for some local lawyer or something, but it showed a man standing out in the middle of a hedge maze. The only thing was that he was at least 2.5 feet taller than the hedges, and he was just looking out in the distance - how is it a maze if you can see over it?
I keep wishing I could just see over the hedges right now (not likely even in practical senses, since I'm all of 5'2"...). I would be able to see past all of this worry. I worry that the baby won't be healthy. I worry about my body not cooperating, and that it will hurt her. I worry that I'm getting blood clots or something in my legs from lying down so much, even though I get up to go to the bathroom, and exercise my legs at least once an hour. I worry that the stomach problems I'm having right now are going to somehow hurt the baby. I worry that something is going to happen to my husband, whom I love so very much. I worry that I won't be a good mom, if we're blessed enough to have this little girl be born healthy. I worry about Maddie, and that she feels our love. I worry, I worry, I worry, and it seems like all I ever think about (or post on here).
It would be so much easier if I could just pull up and view the maze from above. I know, though, that God sees my maze from above, and that He's guiding me through it, turn by turn. I'm just not going to be able to see the end until we're out of it, and I just have to trust. I just need to remind myself of that, as I try and break free and guide myself blindly - and that there are mazes that are so much more complicated than mine. I'm so blessed to have the support and love that I do.
(I apologize that the analogy is a bit corny - it just seemed apropos.)
Grab My Button
My Girls
Both of my girls
Maddie's Flower
from Say It With Flowers
Maddie's Name in the Sand
16 comments:
I agree, things can seem so uncertain but I know the One who knows it all so I'm trusting Him to guide me.
That's put so much better than I could do, Holly! :) Hugs!
I think it is only normal to have these worries. Maddie is so loved my many and I am sure she feels it. I can always sense your love just through your words. Thinking of you! xo
Jill, that made me smile so big - that means so much to hear. Thank you so much!
Its completely normal to worry, but with faith anything is possible. *hugs*
One of the things that the loss of Wyatt made me realize was that I don't have control over anything, really. Obviously, I never had control, but having to face it makes it so much more real.
Maddie definitely knows how much you love her!
I'm thinking about you!
Some days you are going to worry lady - it's normal. And Maddie feels your love, each and every day!
Sadly, yours isn't the only blog I've read of someone facing pregnancy after pre-term birth. The point being you have said nothing that others didn't say. Your emotions are completely normal. In fact, you are handling it as well or better than most. And while I know we've all heard stories to the contrary, every blog I've followed that is a pregnancy after PTB has been successful.
Please don't feel wrong about your feelings. They are completely normal.
I know Maddie can feel your love.
((hugs)). i've been away from blogland for a while and have just started catching up. i'm sorry i wasn't around to support you as you approached the 21w3d milestone. i am glad you are surrounded by such love and support.
it's wonderful that you can see that you are blessed, but even then, it's normal, it's human to be filled with worry after losing Maddie. it is so hard to let go and just trust that God will see us through, but i think that's what He's there for as, well, to listen to us as we share our fears and ask us to give them to Him (which can be so much easier said than done). i pray that your appointments continue to go well and that with each passing day you are able to trust yourself and your body more with the baby you are carrying.
Haha - I think I've seen that same commercial!
There will always be things to worry about. If you are prone to worrying, new things will come along even when Baby Jota has arrived safe and sound and healthy. My advice (to be taken with a grain of salt since I'm so not an expert) would be to make peace with the worry. To worry, but not worry about worrying :) It's normal and, as long as you don't drive yourself crazy with worry, it is just a sign that you are a prepared, thoughtful person (imo). I wish I could tell you it will all be ok, yet I can't see the maze like that guy in the commercial either. I'm sending hope and hugs!
It really is hard when we can't see into as much as the next second. All we can do is trust God that He will be with us, no matter what comes our way. It's so hard to find the perfect balance that leads to emotional peace. I try to say over and over "whatever will be will be, whatever will be will be", sometimes I accept it, other times I don't. I guess that's part of being human. And a woman. :)
Anyway, I am always thinking of and praying for you!
Someone once told me that, "Worry is like a rocking chair - it won't get you anywhere." They did not appreciate it when I pointed out that at least it gave me something to do. Worry is inevitable in your situation, and I think you are handling it with a tremendous amount of grace and perspective. I admire your faith and am glad that it provides you with strength and comfort.
You guys are just amazing. It touches me so much to know that you all know how much I love Maddie, and to feel your support during all of this. Thank you so much. :)
I was thinking of you today. I don't know why, I just was. I think God does that every once in awhile...brings someone to my mind so I pray for them. Worry (and guilt) are gifts that keep giving to every mommy that's ever lived. What was that little sound? Was I too hard on him for being naughty? Will she be okay at school today even though she cried when I left? Remember that Chrysalis mantra....Let Go and Let God. That's the most important thing we have to hold onto in this lifetime. God is here, living and active in our lives, and will carry us through it all. All the hurt, all the worry, all the guilt. Hmmm...didn't start out to preach a sermon. Anyway - love you Ang and I'm hoping to get back this summer so I can meet your growing family. I'll make Shani be chauffer!
(((Hugs))) thinking of you!
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