I'm a fairly big music nerd, but usually keep it pretty private because I know not everyone likes what I do. I apologize in advance if Soul Coughing wasn't your thing (I personally loved them), but this song has been running through my head non-stop lately:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNKzGzyUPkM
Most of the song ("Circles") isn't relevant, but the first lines of the chorus keep going through my head. "I don't need to walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in..."
Yes, it's clever because his lyrics are going in circles and all of that, but mostly it just pertains to how I've been feeling lately. I am so happy that this baby is healthy, but I just keep going through the same thought processes. I'll go to the doctor and will feel better for a day or two (although it's been almost a month since my last length u/s, and that's freaking me out). Then I'll have a new cramp or a pain (I'm getting used to the old ones, but new ones scare me), or something little will happen, and then I panic. It's all I can think about until the next time I go to the doctor, at which time the cycle restarts.
I don't like this "me." I want to be happy for every second I've got with this baby, and to live in the moment - I want to be so confident in this cerclage and in my body, but I get lonely at night with just these thoughts. I hate being weak - I think about how much we wanted Maddie, too, how my body failed her, and how I am so terrified it will happen again. Normally I would go to my grief counselor, but I'm obviously fairly stuck to the couch. I know none of this is new or surprising to anyone who's gone through all of this, and I am so sorry to whine - it is just one of those days where I needed to say it aloud (e-loud?), rather than to keep walking in circles. As I write this, my little Jota is kicking me in the gut to remind me that he or she is okay right now, and that's all that's important.
Grab My Button
My Girls
Both of my girls
Maddie's Flower
from Say It With Flowers
Maddie's Name in the Sand
13 comments:
Oh, Angie! It's so hard to just trust and be blindly happy after what happened to you. But look how far you've come. How strong you are. You're doing amazingly well, and things are going perfectly. You're not blind, you see every angle, and before you know it you will be on the other side of this.
Super big hugs to you and that happy, healthy baby! And love to Maddie, too.
I think you describe this process perfectly. You are not weak, Angie. You are incredibly strong and I know you can do this! I love to hear that Jota is kicking away. Huge hugs!
First of all; I love music, and sometimes I feel like it can say so much more than we actually can with our words. I love that song, and I think we all tend to walk around in circles from time to time... You are not alone lady! And it's OK to feel what you feel, just remember to enjoy the kicks too!
I don't think it would be "normal" to not have these feelings. And just because you may be tempering your elation a bit that doesn't mean you don't love Jota. It's all so complicated and unfair and I wish there were magical words for all of us. You're going to get through this--I know you are--so it's just a matter of waiting it out. I know you can do it.
I'm going to be confident in your cerclage for you.
And don't think that you are whining. Hearing your feelings is what helps other people get through the same thing.
xoxo
You guys are making an incredibly hard few days much better. I am so grateful for each and every one of you, and your words of love and support.
I have those days myself and I remind myself that I am so blessed with my daughter growing healthy within me. I loved our first baby and my love will never go away for that baby. I also love my sweet Kathleen very much. You are a very strong woman and I admire you very much for all you have gone through and carrying this new beautiful life within you. You are such a good friend to me! I have every confidence in your cerclage and so glad to hear your little one is kicking away! Kathleen loves to kick me and is pushing on certain organs now which is a interesting feeling. Sending you lots of hugs!
I had totally forgotten about that song! Being pregnant after a loss is like being on a never-ending rollercoaster . . . the ups, the downs, the sharp turns, and the kicks to the gut (both figuratively and literally) . . . it is a ride that no one signs up for by choice. You are doing amazingly well, and you are in my thoughts daily.
And have you looked into the MISS Foundation? They have some online support groups that may be able to help a bit in the place of your grief counselor.
jrose - You are so sweet, and such a good friend. You hit the nail on the head - there's just so much love for each baby, and I think it leads to so much concern.
Fishsticks - You're just amazing, and it humbles me that you're so sweet. :) I will head over to MISS right now!
Oh how I remember those days. I would be okay at my visit. Okay for day 2, day 3, and then by day 4, crazy. You are doing a great job. Just one day at a time- that is all you can do. And you are doing GREAT!
That's pretty much my exact cycle, Michele - you nailed it. I can't tell you how sweet you are, and how inspiring. :)
(((hugs)))
I am so sorry I am so late in responding to this. I can imagine the mix of feelings. I can imagine something so bad and scared that in an instant it will be taken away from you. Please know I am praying for you and Jota....stay strong little Jota! Mommy loves you and is not ready to meet you quite yet.
*hugs Angie*
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