12 weeks and 1 day - She's Not There

Preface – it’s not a great day for some arbitrary reason.


I used to be kind of funny. My husband (who loves to tease mercilessly) would joke that I’m not “funny ‘ha-ha,’ but funny ‘oh.’” Essentially, he was saying that I’ve just always been goofy.

I feel like I kind of lost “the funny.” I think it’s natural and normal – I am going to change as part of this loss. I need and want to change as part of this – that’s one of Maddie’s gifts to me. We have all endured fundamentally life-altering losses here. I just feel guilty that, while it is unspoken, I can tell people kind of look for the old me, and she’s not there. There is a melancholy now that hovers high over us, almost out of others' sight, even if I try to make sure not to present my sadness to others very often. I think I’m in some ways getting used to the “new normal” that has encompassed my life, but I just feel a little guilty that others have to adjust in little ways, too.

Physically - 7.5     Mentally – 7.5

Emotionally - 4.5  Spiritually - 8

9 weeks 2 days - Forever

As the days go by, I realize over and over again that Maddie is gone forever.  She's not coming back, I'm not going to get to watch her grow up.

Forever is a long time to live without your child.

I have found some passages by different authors, anthologized in the book A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies.

The first is the beginning of a poem by Sydney Lea, called "After Labor Day."  She describes so perfectly in the second stanza how fresh and acute the pain is now, and always will be:

Your son is seven years dead.
"But it seems," I said, seeing your face
buckle in mid-conversation
as over the fields come winging the trebles
of children at holiday play -
I said, "But it seems like yesterday."

"No," you said,
"Like today."

The other is a single line from John Irving's novel The World According to Garp.  I have never read the book or seen the movie, but this line describes so precisely how everything is measured "before" and "after":

"Ever since Walt died," wrote T.S. Garp, "my life has felt like an epilogue."

The only sentiment that I haven't seen expressed is this:  In the precise moment that Maddie was born, she was both taken from me and given to me for forever.

Physically - 6.5          Mentally - 8
Emotionally - 4.5       Spiritually - 7

9 weeks - So Very Touched

I am just so incredibly touched and moved.  Without me asking, without even knowing how anyone would think of us to remember, our little Maddie's two-month birthday was featured in a wonderful blog for infertility, baby loss, and so on:

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/2009/09/445th-issue-of-lfca.html

I am so just unspeakably warmed by this.  It helps me so much to know that Maddie is in others' thoughts and memories during this time.  I am so very, very grateful.

Physically - 7.5                     Mentally - 8
Emotionally - 6.5                  Spiritually - 8