18 weeks - "Get Her Pregnant"

My friend Jess blogged yesterday about an insensitive pregnant friend who had whispered about her, "Now we gotta get her pregnant."

The more I thought about this, the more this made me angry.  Angry for Jess, and for anyone who has experienced loss or infertility (or both).  That's so flippant, so presumptive – that sentence sounds like it’s someone’s fault for their baby dying, for not being able to just look at their husband and get pregnant again. When we finally got pregnant with Maddie after about four years of trying everything and anything, spending tens of thousands of dollars and much pain to try and get pregnant, my mom told someone, “She finally listened to me and got pregnant!” Yes, the problem for the entire time was just that I hadn’t followed her advice. (Although, admittedly, after our first fertility consult, I did mess with her – I called her and told her that we’d apparently “been doing it in the wrong hole.” Sorry if that’s crass – but it got her to be quiet for a few days.)


These types of comments are just so much more damaging than people realize. For some, pregnancy takes drugs, ultrasounds, timing, money. For us and countless others, we’ve added in surgery, laboratories, injections, etc. This isn’t just an easy process for everyone. And just because you have a pregnancy doesn’t mean you keep a pregnancy – and so very rarely is it through any fault of our own, especially when we want these babies (our babies) so desperately.

Jess, if you’re reading this, I am just so sorry. I’m also sorry for anyone else who has ever endured these types of comments.