My friend Jess blogged yesterday about an insensitive pregnant friend who had whispered about her, "Now we gotta get her pregnant."
The more I thought about this, the more this made me angry. Angry for Jess, and for anyone who has experienced loss or infertility (or both). That's so flippant, so presumptive – that sentence sounds like it’s someone’s fault for their baby dying, for not being able to just look at their husband and get pregnant again. When we finally got pregnant with Maddie after about four years of trying everything and anything, spending tens of thousands of dollars and much pain to try and get pregnant, my mom told someone, “She finally listened to me and got pregnant!” Yes, the problem for the entire time was just that I hadn’t followed her advice. (Although, admittedly, after our first fertility consult, I did mess with her – I called her and told her that we’d apparently “been doing it in the wrong hole.” Sorry if that’s crass – but it got her to be quiet for a few days.)
These types of comments are just so much more damaging than people realize. For some, pregnancy takes drugs, ultrasounds, timing, money. For us and countless others, we’ve added in surgery, laboratories, injections, etc. This isn’t just an easy process for everyone. And just because you have a pregnancy doesn’t mean you keep a pregnancy – and so very rarely is it through any fault of our own, especially when we want these babies (our babies) so desperately.
Jess, if you’re reading this, I am just so sorry. I’m also sorry for anyone else who has ever endured these types of comments.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
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15 comments:
I totally agree - very hurtful. And don't apologize for being crass! That comment to your mom was awesome! haha "She finally listened to me..."?? I mean, come on, I'd have been upset too.
I had one person say something like this to me before that I can remember. She said something like "you should come over here and let MY husband knock you up". I know it was a complete joke but *sigh* Like her husband was the key and mine just wasn't cutting it.
Thank you, Jill! You just made me feel better - it's good to know I'm not irrational by being upset.
Oh, that's just an awful joke on so many levels. It's so unintentionally insulting to your husband, and kind of... icky. I just don't think people have any self-awareness.
I laughed a little too loud just now about putting it in the wrong hole.
But yes, most people have no idea what they are saying. When I have the energy, I try to educate. But most of the time, I can't. I just let it go.
I am so glad you guys enjoyed the hole comment. :D It was probably a little mean to joke, but her silence after I said it was just golden. I figure it's tough love. ;)
I'm absolutely with you - it's so much work to educate people, and they don't even seem to get it when we try. It's one of those losing battles.
Wow. Yeah. You don't say that. Getting pregnant isn't an automatic fix and it won't make you forget.
Thank you, Holly. :D It's so horribly insensitive!
Thank you Angie. Its funny. I didn't let it bother me until I really sat down and thought about what she said. I don't think she realizes what she said, but I know what she said. Thank you for this post. *hugs*
By the way...I love that....ya, we have been putting it in the wrong hole. If only it were that simple LOL. Wow...my mind is going in places it shouldn't...I won't post what I really want to say on your blog LOL
I hope you don't mind me blogging about it, Jess - it just got me kind of worked up for you. You're right - she didn't do it intentionally, but that doesn't make it less insensitive or hurt less.
LOL - yeah, there was nothing like her silence after saying that. It's one of those little moments you treasure for a lifetime... ;) I'll guess at what you really want to say!
I don't mind at all. *hugs*
*Hugs* right back. :)
Amen and amen! It's is so irritating to me when people don't realize how difficult this is for some of us. Some people have said to me "you're young, you have plenty of time", but what they don't get is that every single option I have has risks and uncertainties. We are considering spending tens of thousands of dollars for things that MAY NOT WORK. And then people want to act like we are doing it the wrong way, or not trying hard enough, or whatever...
PERFECTLY said, Heather! We're in the same boat - we've spent around $20,000 on all of this to date, just for the chance that we will have a baby. You're in the same boat - testing, machines, drugs... for a hope.
How do you feel about people asking: "When will you know if you are 'knocked up'?"
Wow, that was a lot of punctuation. Plus I feel there should be another question mark in there somewhere.
Your mom rules, by the way. She didn't cold shoulder me at church 2 weeks ago. Although I was tailgating with the Associate Pastor on the front steps of the church, so it probably would have looked bad. Image is everything.
Your question actually killed me. :) I enjoyed the phrase "knocked up" - it settled me down a bit to laugh on that day. :)
Mom really is awesome, isn't she? You were totally the lucky benificiary of circumstance. I'm not sure why you got the cold shoulder earlier, though - there has to be a reason. It's probably that you work with me. :)
Comments do hurt and people just dont think before they speak. The amount of times people said "just relax and you'll get pregnant"... I wanted to scream that relaxing wasnt my problem. Ovulating was. But people can be so cruel without meaning to.
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