Today’s already started as one of those days. The worry days. I keep thinking of Maddie, of what happened to her – and this new baby, and how worried I am of losing him or her. We have a death certificate for our firstborn child – it’s just impossible that I would feel secure about this pregnancy. Every time I walk, I worry that I’m straining something. Every time I go to the bathroom, I’m worried that I’m going to find that something has gone terribly wrong. Every cramp I get, I worry that it’s a bad sign, rather than just assuming it’s the normal pains of a growing uterus.
I don’t want this baby’s time in my womb to be spent with me on tiptoes the whole time, but I find that I can’t really help it. I’ve just been trying to spend every day thanking God for giving me one more day with the baby, hoping that he or she can feel how much I love him/her, just as I pray that Maddie can feel the same thing. I think that’s really all I can do.
Happy 20-week birthday, Maddie.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
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10 comments:
I think that it's inevitable that you will be more worried during this pregnancy because of maddie's loss and there is nothing you can do about the worry. you just have to accept it and know that "it is what it is" @ least thats what I think now -- ask me again in a few months (when we are hopefully pregnant again ourselves) and I may have something totally different to say about it.
May you have hope more than worries.
((HUGS))
I have talked to my counselor about this subject over and over and she says that it is inevitable to worry about future pregnancies after a loss. I am pretty slow, but reading a book about breathing exercises to help with the anxieties of what women deal with in general. Hoping this will help with what we are going through. *hugs* Be kind to yourself and try not to worry. I know easier said then done.
Thanks, guys! Hugs back!
It is impossible not to worry about a new pregnancy. I hope every new day brings you an added measure of security - knowing that you are one step closer to your healthy baby. Do the best you can to take care of yourself and the new little one.
Oh, Donna, thank you so much. That makes me feel better - it is just that concern about getting the blindside attack from disaster, you know? :)
It's called waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it is totally normal given the loss of Maddie. I've got nothing more than that except hugs - lots and lots of hugs.
That's the perfect phrase! My grief counselor also likens it to having a tiger come into a room and attack you once. From then on, whenever you are in that room, you keep looking at the door, expecting a tiger.
You're the best!
Its so hard but try to take it one day at a time and enjoy every momnent you have with this little one tucked safely inside of you. xx
i cant tell you it is easy but trust me... focus on the positive. you dont want to feel like your days with this baby were spent with worry. it is tough but Maddie is with you. always
You are so sweet, Michelle!! :) You're just amazing.
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