Today’s already started as one of those days. The worry days. I keep thinking of Maddie, of what happened to her – and this new baby, and how worried I am of losing him or her. We have a death certificate for our firstborn child – it’s just impossible that I would feel secure about this pregnancy. Every time I walk, I worry that I’m straining something. Every time I go to the bathroom, I’m worried that I’m going to find that something has gone terribly wrong. Every cramp I get, I worry that it’s a bad sign, rather than just assuming it’s the normal pains of a growing uterus.
I don’t want this baby’s time in my womb to be spent with me on tiptoes the whole time, but I find that I can’t really help it. I’ve just been trying to spend every day thanking God for giving me one more day with the baby, hoping that he or she can feel how much I love him/her, just as I pray that Maddie can feel the same thing. I think that’s really all I can do.
Happy 20-week birthday, Maddie.
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
19 weeks and 3 days - Worry, worry, worry
I'll be five weeks pregnant tomorrow. I'm only a week and a half out from getting to hopefully hear my baby's heartbeat, and I should get to hear it twice in one week. My OB wants to see me at 6 weeks to do an ultrasound and make plans for the cerclage, so we'll see him on 12/2. I then go back to my RE for the 6 week ultrasound the next day on 12/3.
I hate these stretches between appointments, because all I do is worry that something is going to happen. I worried about it when I was pregnant with Maddie, and I know now what can happen. At the same time, I realize that there really isn't anything I can do to control this - I couldn't be much more high-risk if I started juggling fire for a living, so there really isn't anything tangible I can do to make this much better. I wanted to micromanage and over-research everything when I was pregnant with Maddie; now I realize that it doesn't make much difference. This is in God's hands now. Just hoping that it's His will for us to have a healthy baby come next July.
I hate these stretches between appointments, because all I do is worry that something is going to happen. I worried about it when I was pregnant with Maddie, and I know now what can happen. At the same time, I realize that there really isn't anything I can do to control this - I couldn't be much more high-risk if I started juggling fire for a living, so there really isn't anything tangible I can do to make this much better. I wanted to micromanage and over-research everything when I was pregnant with Maddie; now I realize that it doesn't make much difference. This is in God's hands now. Just hoping that it's His will for us to have a healthy baby come next July.
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