18 weeks and 6 days - Disappointing

Today’s blog post likely won’t have much of interest for most people, but it’s something that I need to say. Warning – it’s long and vaguely preachy!  Hopefully I only need to say this once.


We have purposely kept this whole embryo transfer process incredibly private this time. The reason for this is fairly obvious – there is so much at stake, so many concerns, so many emotions involved that I can’t even begin to describe. Only a short 19 weeks ago today, I was in labor for over 13 hours with my daughter, who I knew the whole time would never make it. There is so much riding on this, no matter what the outcome is. As such, we haven’t told much of anyone – we haven’t told either of our parents or siblings (despite direct questioning), we haven’t shared it with almost anyone, and weren’t planning on it until three months into any pregnancy. I am incredibly close to some of my coworkers, and have kept it quiet there in particular (only having told a couple of people). I have had a few people ask me, however, having “guessed” at it since I was gone two days in a row from work on Nov. 5th and 6th (I think it’s safe to assume that they read this blog, and didn’t guess). Three of the people who've asked are people I wanted to tell but couldn't – a man who is a regular reader and has been a great source of inspiration and support through his own grief, and two women who are very dear friends. These people’s support means so much. There have been a couple others, however, who have “guessed” that aren’t so welcome – most notably, a woman who may truly care, but who has specifically tried to do me harm in the past, who has invaded my privacy to try and hurt me (and improve her own popularity). Either she read this blog, or (more likely) was told by someone.

This disappoints me greatly that the source of immense grief in my life is now fodder for the work gossip mill. I specifically didn’t tell people because I don’t want this getting around – almost everyone knew with Maddie from the moment she was transferred, and I am not emotionally capable of answering all of these questions. I may act at work like I’m “fine” – but it’s because I’ve discovered that it really doesn’t do any good to mourn publicly. There are huge emotions associated with the outcome of this FET either way, and I don’t really want this talked about until I’m ready. There is not a single person I know in “real life” who has even undergone IVF, let alone had to do it a second time after their child was stillborn - this is an incredibly lonely process. I know that the people I mentioned specifically above (and a few others I haven’t mentioned) read my blog out of true concern and love, but this… this is icky.

I started this blog as a safe place, a place where I could come to and share my feelings with other women who can understand this horrible situation of loss and infertility, or with those in “real” life who truly care. It pains me that I have had to lie on this blog – I have said that I’m not taking home tests because I don’t want to face questions. That is a flat-out lie – I have taken three tests since last Thursday, all with the same result. I know what my beta tomorrow will bring, but I just don’t want the results of it being broadcast until I am ready to deal with it all. At this point, I question whether I should even blog anymore - it saddens me that I would lose one of the few outlets I have because of people who just want something to talk about.  So, I guess what it boils down to is this –if you’re here because you care, thank you (and please keep things confidential). If you’re here to gather gossip, please leave. I don’t invade your private life, and ask that you don’t mine. Thank you.