9 weeks and 3 days - "Catastrophic"

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly called the DSM) is somewhat the "last word" on mental disorders and temporary conditions; everything from grief to depression to schizophrenia is quantified and qualified for diagnostic purposes.

The DSM has a scale of the Severity of Psychosocial Stressors. Anyone want to guess where the death of a child rates? In the highest, most severe category, called "catastrophic." (http://stroke.ahajournals.org/cgi/content/full/28/6/1123 ) The other items in the category are "suicide of a spouse, devastating natural disaster, and enduring circumstances such as captivity as a hostage or in a concentration camp."

Wow, that's kind of heavy stuff. So is what we endure with this, however. So, we try and fit together our lives around the platitudes that we have heard since childhood.

One of the ones that I've always heard throughout my bouts with cancer and other things is the good old, "God doesn't give us more than we can bear." I actually think that there are times when people can't handle what God has given them for any of a number of reasons - people are locked in mental institutions, they commit suicide. It may be mental illness, it may be that they're overwhelmed, it may be that we can't process how to use the tools God has given us to deal. I don't know.  All I know is that this phrase isn't really helpful.

I actually think that I find more comfort and truth in this one: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." It's a little harsh, but it is true. As much as we hate that this is where we are, this does strengthen us. We are more prepared, we are more road-weary. We have survived the worst. We have been devastated and will never be the same - but we learn how to go on.

I have a callous relative who keeps telling me I "have to move on." She says that I can't think about Maddie, that I will only depress the people around me if I continue to think about her all of the time. I firmly disagree with that. Every day that I don't lie in bed all day with the covers over my head, I'm moving on. Every day that I get up and think about tomorrow, I'm moving on. My only responsibility right now is to be real - to myself and to Maddie.


Physically - 6.5                        Mentally - 7
Emotionally - 5                        Spiritually - 7.5

7 weeks and 4 days - Her Strength

One thing that is so hard about losing your baby before the world gets to share in her is that others don't get to see how strong and perfect she was.  I guess today I want to blog about Maddie's strength, and how much of a little fighter she was from the beginning.

Due to severe OHSS, we had to freeze our embryos that were graded high enough to do so back in November after retrieval.  Freezing an embryo is hard on it - which is why it was so amazing that Maddie and her sibling who was thawed/transferred at the same time both made it through the thawing process perfectly.  Both embryos were graded 4AA - she was perfect right from the beginning. 

I couldn't wait the full two weeks for the blood pregnancy test after the transfer - I had to take a home pregnancy test at about 7 days.  To my sheer amazement (since it shouldn't have shown that early), it was positive - as were the other two that I took in the subsequent days.  Our blood tests at the RE's office were about triple what the hcG level should have been - there was a lot of thought that she was twins, up until we had the first ultrasound at about 6 weeks.

That first ultrasound was magical - we saw and heard her strong little heartbeat.  She was thriving.  The TV ultrasound at about 10 weeks was even more amazing - she looked so perfect, with her little arms and legs.  And she was such a little show-off - she started bouncing around and appeared to be waving at us from the moment the ultrasound turned to her.  Our baby was perfect - and loved to perform as much as her mommy and daddy do.  :)

Since my OB waits until about 24 weeks to do the ultrasound, JTD and I went and got a 3D ultrasound from a local place at 18 weeks - I couldn't wait to see if I was indeed having a little girl.  We started crying as we learned that our little miracle child was indeed the girl we'd both been sure she was.  It wasn't easy to get all of the different poses of her, however - she moved so very much, kicking Mommy's bladder and sucking her thumb, rolling over to show off that she was perfect and active.  She paused briefly enough for us to see her beautiful face - we could tell even then that she had her Mommy's nose:

I am so very glad that we went to that ultrasound - the DVD of it is so very precious to me now, as it's the only way for me to watch Maddie move around.  I haven't been able to watch it yet, but it is so important to me to be able to see how strong she was, how much she wanted to live.  I have to believe God had her fight that long and hard so that she could get to the point she did, so that she could teach us about my IC and so that we could hopefully avoid this loss with her siblings.

This hasn't come out exactly how I wanted it to, but I wanted to take advantage of a better day to honor the little life that was and always will be.