22 weeks and 6 days - "Acceptable"

I had someone recently tell me how well they thought I was doing with Maddie’s passing. I just smiled and said thank you, but thought about how deceiving appearances are.


There is, whether it’s right or not, a statute of limitations on how long you can “acceptably” bring up your child’s death to people. Facebook status updates, mentioning my child in conversation and e-mail, etc. – there’s a finite amount of time where that is something that I personally feel comfortable doing. What happened to my baby (and so many others) is a horrible, awful tragedy – but it’s my husband’s and my tragedy. It’s not really anyone else’s. I don’t want people to remember Maddie out of some dull sense of duty, or because I force them into it – I want them to remember her out of love, and to honor her beautiful memory. I don’t want to force people to pity me – that doesn’t do anything good for either of us.

So, I’ve taken to usually not mentioning Maddie unless it’s truly appropriate to the conversation. If someone asks me how I’m doing, I say “fine.” I will take care of myself as I need, but people don’t necessarily need to know the full answer – they don’t want it when they ask that question. They don’t need to know that I cry for her every day – it doesn’t increase or decrease my memories of and love for her. There are some relationships that become closer and some that fall away after the loss of a child, but in time, it’s natural that the topic fades from others’ minds. All I need to do is make sure she never fades from mine.