Well, after talking with my grief counselor and my husband, I made a decision about telling my family about the baby at our Christmas celebration at the loud restaurant (see yesterday's blog for history).
I should probably give a little history as to why this has been an issue for me at all – I don’t need to go into the full history here, but I’ll just give a couple of brief examples that backup my decision. I really, really want to keep this pregnancy quiet with the general public until we’re at a point (probably after the cerclage) where we feel comfortable sharing. Seeing as how this is OUR pregnancy and baby, I don’t feel like that’s an unreasonable request. I made a similar request when I was pregnant with Maddie, but my mom (whom I love) instantly told everyone in our family, as well as her friends and students in her college class (she even showed them pictures of my ultrasounds, even though I’ve never met any of them) as early as 6 weeks into the pregnancy, all for attention. When we found out Maddie was a little girl, I called her first and let her know. She instantly called my grandfather, who was fishing with my dad (who was second on my list), and “accidentally” told them before I had a chance to call Dad and tell him her gender. She wanted to be the one to get the attention of telling the news. With this pregnancy, I want the opportunity for my husband and I to share what we want with whom we want. We want that joy. And we want to do it when we know the baby is safely in the second trimester, because we don’t want to deal with all of the broken expectations and questions if (and I pray it doesn’t) something goes wrong.
So, we’ve decided to just not go to the Christmas celebration, and we’ll just tell my family after the cerclage. Past behavior usually predicts future behavior – and, even with the speech I have prepared, I don’t think that I can trust them with this. I hate saying that, but it’s true. Since my husband will be starting a job and unable to get time off of work for my cerclage, I have told my dad so that he can pick me up from the hospital the next morning if need be, and my husband’s mom will be visiting from California – she plans on staying with me overnight in the hospital. I don’t need any more stress. I would just go to Christmas with everyone and not tell them, but the stress of this is getting me worked up (which I can’t have) – and, more notably, there’s not really any way I could hide the bump. I’m a little under 5’2” and fairly small, so I’m showing quite a bit already (and have been for a few weeks). I hope I’m not a horrible person for doing this.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
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16 comments:
You are absolutely not a horrible person. I can completely understand your reasons for not wanting to share right now. As you mentioned in your last post, this is YOUR baby to share when YOU are ready.
Thank you, Heather. :) I just keep preparing for the "how could you not tell your own mother" comments!
Not horrible! You need your sanity. This is YOUR baby, just like you said. Tell when you're ready. You're awesome.
You are so awesome, Cheryl! That just made me smile and tear up - thank you. :)
You have to do whatever works for you. I hope your family didn't give you too hard of a time for not going.
We need a bump pic. :) I have one ready to be posted. I'm already bigger than I was with Ella. Though, I think I'm still in the has she just gained weight phase.
Hang in there. You're almost to cerclage time!
Bree, you're so sweet! :) Your post made me smile - thank you. I'll try and get my husband to take a picture tonight and get it up tomorrow! I think it's kind of looking like I'm chunky, too - but just in a really specific shape (in the uterus area).
I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. You need to make decisions based on what is right for you, your husband and your baby. And I totally agree about past behavior dictating the future.
PS...I'm new to reading your blog, but I want you to know that you are in incredible inspiration to me. We too lost a baby (at almost 26 weeks, on November 8th), after struggling with IVF, and now I am getting ready to start treatments.
Oh, my gosh, you are just so sweet! I am so sorry for your loss - I truly am. There's all of this expectation and build-up around IVF, and losing your baby is just... I'm so sorry. Please let me know if you ever need to talk at all.
You are not a horrible person! I would be furious at what your mother did if that happened to me! It IS your pregnancy, so it's only right that you tell them on YOUR time. Hoping and praying all goes well the rest of the pregnancy!
xx
Oh, Franchesca, thank you so much! Those are words that are just so helpful to hear - I was worried that I shouldn't be as angry as I still am, but it helps to know I'm not crazy!
Angie, you have every right to wait. This is your baby and I would have been furious if my mother wanted to steal my thunder so I definately understand why you want to wait.
You have every right to tell your family and friends when you are ready and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thanks so much, Jess! I just really need to know that my private life is private until I feel like it's safe to share, and then I want to do it on my terms. SHOULD be an easy enough request, but isn't!
You are SO not a horrible person and you have every right in the world to keep this pregnancy to yourself for as long as you see fit! To this day I am beyond disgusted with the sympathy cards and flowers that my in-laws received after Quinn's birth/death - they exploited that situation to its fullest potential and lost every last ounce of respect that I had for them. We have kept all of our pregnancies relatively quiet for that exact reason - I have no problem with people being happy for me, but for them to expect the rest of the world to be happy for them (because of me)? I am not okay with that.
(And you can absolutely come over to my place to respond - I am not always the best at coming back here to read your response. My comments also include my e-mail address, so you are also more than welcome to respond that way - or to write if you just need to vent beyond your blog.)
I just don't think I can put into words sufficiently how very much you put everything I've felt into words - and how sorry I am that you also have to know that feeling. It's so hurtful to find out who our parents can be sometimes.
Honey, you arent horrible at all. You need to do (and say) what leaves you with the least stress.
Michele, you are just the best. Thank you - I'm kind of in that "whatever is least stress" mode at this point!
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