I have to admit it. I try to be positive. I try to see the sun through the rain. Right now, though, I'm just having a bad time.
My mom announced to me on Saturday that she's divorcing my dad. It wasn't a huge surprise, but it was a huge disappointment - for a lot of reasons.
This is about my dad, but I'm just having a day when it's hard to see that anything good can happen to my husband and I. If this were the first day of second grade and we had to write our papers asking "What did you do this summer," mine would read like this (in chronological order):
- Lost financial stability
- Lost our future when our dear baby died
- Lost my past and identity
I just need to think of the positive. I am just so worried about my dad that perspective is difficult. I question that there couldn't have been, I don't know, ANY possible better time to do this than two months after the family was put into a tailspin by the death of my daughter?
I apologize for how personal this blog is, and am not 100% comfortable with that. It just feels about 1,000x bigger because of the immense mourning for Maddie.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 2 Spiritually - 5.5
Monday, September 14, 2009
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17 comments:
First of all, you do not need to apologize for your blog being personal; YOU are the author and it is about YOU so it will be personal. When I read your posts I can tell that you are indeed facing your pain and working through it which is about the best to hope for in these circumstances.
I am so, so sorry you have to add your parents divorce to the mix. I don't know what to say other than I am thinking of you and your dad right now.
Oh, Rachel, thank you. So much. It means so much to hear that - especially from someone who knows what it is to have to face all of this. I think only another person who has done this can know what it looks like.
Thank you so very much. I just really hope for healing for him.
Hello Angie, I am so sorry to hear about your parents. I am sorry you have to go through this at the same time you are greiving, but above all please do not apologize for how personal your blog is. It is your thoughts and your feelings. You have a right to say whatever you want. You created your blog and you control the content and no one else. Sending huge hugs your way. I am here if you need me.
I am so sorry to read that your parents are divorcing, and hope that they are able to do so amicably and with little drama for your sake. It is nearly impossible to not personalize each and every piece of 'bad' that comes your way after the loss of a child - each fail feels like one more blow to an already tender gut. I am so sorry that you have to go through any of this.
(And I don't think I have ever mentioned it before, but I wanted to tell you much I love the picture of Maddie in the upper left corner - she is beautiful.)
I wish I could say something to ease your pain. Just know that you've got all of us thinking about you and your family.
I don't know if anyone will see this (so I'll likely blog about it later today), but I am so unspeakably touched by you all.
Jess - thank you so much, sweetie. That means so much - I felt a little weird about making total strangers have to know about this depressing stuff, but you're right - everyone is here because they care.
Fishsticks & Fireflies - Your message made me cry, for so many reasons. I really hope that they can be kind to each other, too - you're right, it feels like it was an attack on me, in addition to my father. Your comment about Maddie just filled my heart with pride and gratitude.
Cheryl - You are such a blessing. I am so touched that you all are here to support me. I can't express how grateful I am.
I am so sorry you have yet one more thing to deal with. You are definitely in my prayers. And as the others have said, you don't have to apologize for making it personal. There is nothing wrong with being transparent.
I am so sorry . Sometimes it is better to grieve our losses than to try to stay positive.I am hoping that soon great things start coming your way. HUGS
Heather - thank you so very, very much. You are so sweet to be worried about me. You're amazing.
Cibele - that is so incredibly wise. I never really thought about it, but I don't know that it's necessarily healthy to "just be positive" all of the time. There's no healing there.
Here by way of LFCA. My parents divorced 9 years ago when I was 24. Even though it wasn't a total surprise, the impact it had on me was life changing. It made me question my past, my identity, and who I was separate from them. It's *hard*. Especially when you are already grieving. Never apologize. You'll be in my thoughts.
Oh, Rina. Thank you so much - and I'm sorry that you speak from a personal place about this. That's exactly it - you question who you are now and who they are, and that's just something that rocks your world. You're right - I think that the grief makes this feel amplified. "If I had Maddie, it would be okay."
I'm so sorry for all the pain in your life. Its so hard when things come at us and don't seem to stop. Please know I will be praying for you and keeping your family in my thoughts.
Lynn, I can't thank you enough for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.
I am so, so sorry to hear about this. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Write what you want when you want. This is your space.
My parents divorced after I was married and it was still such a shock. I felt like a little kid when they told me even though it wasnt a shock either. Just love them. That is all you can do right now.
Aunt Becky - that means so very much. Thank you.
Michele - It's so strange, isn't it? You don't expect it to rock your world as much as it does. You're right - you feel like a little kid, so vulnerable.
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