I’m not really sure where I’m at today. I don’t have any grand theme about which I want to blog. Today just kind of is.
I kind of feel like I’ve got one foot (well, maybe 1 ¾ feet) in grieving Maddie, and the other foot (or ¼ of a foot) preparing for the possibility of the FET. I want to be present and hopeful for that. I need to give that process everything that it requires – all of the attention, hope, and care that anticipating a new child requires. That isn’t necessarily easy, but the two can coexist. I just need to learn how to let myself experience both, and recognize that what happened to Maddie doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen again if we get pregnant. There is hope, and that’s a good thing (even with as frightening as it is to let ourselves feel).
Physically - 3 Mentally - 8.5
Emotionally - 7 Spiritually - 8.5
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I feel the same way today - there's nothing I really want to blog about. I haven't added a new post since Friday because there is just nothing I want to say. There are things I could say, but I know that my department at work as well as other people in my life check my blog, so I always feel like I have to keep my blog at a "G" rating in terms of emotions go. If I wrote some of the things I was thinking/feeling, I'm sure I'd really scare some people! haha! But enough about that...
I wish you the best of luck, and you are right to cling to hope. Learning how to juggle hope, fear, and grief is so hard...I still haven't quite figured it out.
Goodness, I know what you mean about juggling! We are kind of trying to keep the whole process more private this time, and I don't want to get others' hopes up who might read here. I also don't want anyone thinking I'm a huge mess (even if I am!). I care so much less about what people think about me now as far as the people I don't really care about, but I also don't want to be a stress on the others I do care about.
You are such a sweetheart - I hope that things are going well for you, too. I don't think we'll ever quite figure this out, in all honesty. I don't know that the most well-adjusted, Zen-master individual out there could!!
Angie, I can understand what you mean about your blog. I am waiting to hear from my ob's office and was hoping to blog about that today, but phone hasn't rung yet so we will see.
As for greiving and anticipating the future, it is definately tricky and one where we have to find a happy balance if we want to try for another baby. What I keep telling myself is that it will all happen when I feel it is right. I shouldn't rush myself. Just make sure you are ready to give the transfer your all. You can still greive for Maddie at the same time. *hugs*
You're right - it seems so weird to even be thinking about this after everything that has happened, but that is just where we are.
I hope that you hear back from your OB's office here soon!
grieving is lifelong. I think it is nuts that people think we can just go back to our lives without having that as a daily part of them. Maddie will always be a part of you and missing her and nourning her will be too, even as you prepare to give her a brother or sister, and that's okay. just let whatever comes, come. I have found that some of my most powerful grieving has come when I was pregnant with siblings and in recent days.
That's exactly what I'm expecting to find, Michele - there is such a mix of emotions, and I'm preparing myself for that. There's so much hope and excitement while there's still such mourning and loss.
Post a Comment