One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today, this happened:

A beautiful little Alice embryo was implanted!  She burrowed in nice and tight, and changed our lives for forever.

Happy thaw-and-transfer day, Allie Kat!

IVF book

I posted about this book the other day (LINK) when I ordered it, and just wanted to follow up now that we've received it.

To preface, I think it's a really great idea to share with my child from a young age that we did IVF/FET to have her.  I want her to know how desparately we have wanted her for so long.  I think a children's book is a great idea.  We kind of wanted to start reading this to Baby A around age 3 years old or so.

I think the book is really well done, but I think it may be a little more clinical/precise than we wanted to be at that age.  It uses the word "sp.erm" an awful lot - while I plan on using more clinical words than "hoo-ha" with her, I don't know that I'll be quite ready for the S word.  JTD read it, and had slightly more humorous observations - I wish I had a scanner, but the illustration of the father handing his sample over to the lab tech had a big smile on both's faces.  That is not how JTD remembers it - it was more of a furtive hand-off.  (He also pointed out that the sample glass itself was unrealistically full, which made me laugh.)

I know it's crazy, and I don't know what I'd do for illustrations, but I've been thinking about making my own book for Baby A.  I've seen several books that are great at explaining about the angel baby who went before them, so I feel like I have a lot of resources for introducing her to why Maddie isn't here, but want something to introduce her to IVF/FET at a younger age (I think this book will be great when she's older, just maybe not so great for early on).  I don't know, it's a lot to think about.

19 weeks and 2 days - All Mixed Up

Got the results back from beta #2. Ideally, they look for your numbers to double over the course of two days. Mine almost tripled – went from 1079 to 3007! Maddie’s numbers were incredibly similar, but were a day later – hopefully this little one has fingernails A friend sent me a study that shows that really high hCG levels coincide with better rates of pregnancy at 20 weeks, so hopefully this is a good sign for us – right now we’re just focusing on (and praying about) making it to the cerclage at 14 weeks!


I know my hormones are pretty ramped up right now, but this all has made everything with Maddie seem a little bit fresher again. I think it’s just doing all of the same things, and everything being so very similar that is making it come back up so much more even than it was for a while. I want so badly to have a healthy, happy baby – but I miss the one that we have so much. I am so glad for her that she’s happy, and that’s all I can want – it’s just hard.

19 weeks - Still Cautiously Optimistic

Well, I have been debating on whether or not to post the results on here, but hopefully everyone in “real life” understands how big of a deal privacy is for me with this.


Just got back the results from my beta – hCG was 1079 at 18dpo! The doctor said, “If I hadn’t put the single embryo in there myself, I’d think there were possible two!” So, my numbers are really good, and we’ll be going back on Thursday morning to make sure that they double. I’m currently 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Estimated due date is July 25, 2010 – about 18 days after Maddie’s birthday. We pray to have her fraternal genetic twin born one year later in the same month. :)

We are, however, remaining incredibly cautiously optimistic. There’s still so much that can go wrong. We’re praying for our little miracle, though. Thank you so much everyone for all of the wonderful support!  I'm off to take another Tums.

17 weeks and 6 days - Symptoms and Control

There isn’t a whole ton new to update today. I keep not wanting to read things into anything – the sore boobs could just be the progesterone shots and estrogen patches. It’s likely too early to be sore, anyway. I’ve had more dreams the last couple of nights (that was my first symptom with Maddie that I was pregnant – crazy dreams), but they haven’t been insane like the other ones were. It’s still just so early.


I found today that coming to work and getting off of bedrest (which I had extended through Sunday on my own just to be careful) scared me to death. This weekend was hard in regards to thinking about Maddie – thinking about doing this all the first time, how much I miss her, thinking of how uncertain this all is. Coming off of bedrest was terrifying, as I just want to do anything I humanly can to make this work. I used to be a little bit of a control freak (probably an understatement), but after what happened with Maddie, I’d gotten over thinking that I can control anything – but I still have this urge to try. This poor baby – if this works, I hope I’m not crazy-protective (well, at least not more than I was already going to be)!

17 weeks and 4 days - Happy 4 month birthday, Maddie.

I wish you such pure joy and happiness, sweetie.  Thinking of you today and everyday.

17 weeks and 3 days - Emotion-laden

I am just so filled with emotions right now.  I am so grateful for the cheering section across the nation.  I am so happy that yesterday went so well, and so hopeful that it works (and afraid for any outcome).  I'm so sad that we don't have Maddie, and so concerned that she knows this isn't to forget her or "move on" (which is an impossibility).

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts, prayers, and words.  They mean so much.

(Also a quick edit on the previous post - I am blaming it on the Valium, but I got the date of my beta wrong.  It's 11/17.)

17 weeks and 2 days - Today WAS the day!

Everything went well!  :)  The doctor came in - he confirmed with both embryologists that the single embryo had thawed well, and that it was absolutely beautiful and healthy.  My lining was very thick, the placement was good, and we got an ultrasound pic of our little one (I'll try and scan it when I'm back at work on Monday).  As the nurse said, "If that one doesn't work, nothing will!"  Beta is on 11/12 at 10 a.m. CST.

Now just praying that this little one takes up house and sticks around for another 8.5 months!

17 weeks and 2 days - Today's the Day

I just noticed that today is my 60th blog post.  Not a big deal, not very momentous - except for that hopefully I'm writing it on the day that I conceive my baby.  :)

I'm just trying to be as calm as possible.  On the day that we did the FET with Maddie, I was wired - I fell down a bunch of stairs that morning, had to be almost peeled off of the roof of the car on the drive down.  Now, I'm just trying to emulate this scene in Pulp Fiction (apparently emulating a movie where someone cleans up bits of brain is the way that I want to spend the day of my transfer - that sounds about right):

Jules: We're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda what's Fonzie like?
Yolanda: Cool?
Jules: What?
Yolanda: He's cool.
Jules: Correctamundo. And that's what we're gonna be. We're gonna be cool.

Here's hoping that I can be a little Fonzie today.  :)  Thanks for all of the good wishes, everyone!  Here's hoping that Maddie's fraternal twin is burrowed in by this time tomorrow!

17 weeks and 1 day - Whew

24 hours and 20 minutes from now, we're going to be on the table getting the embryo transferred!  I'm excited and nervous, but trying to stay very "zen" about it.  (The Valium that I take an hour before transfer will likely help!)

I'd almost forgotten how much I hate the progesterone shots - they are literally a pain in the butt.  It's kind of funny - IVF'ers are a few of the people who go through this process of conception without getting to do any of the fun stuff that usually comes along with it.  I guess we have the benefit of knowing the exact second that our child is transferred to our bodies, however...  :)

I want to apologize in advance for the fact that I will probably be remiss in reading blogs for the next few days!

16 weeks and 6 days - A Little Nervous

I think the next couple of weeks have me a little on edge, but I'm trying to be calm.  Embryo transfer on Thursday, Maddie's four-month birthday on Saturday, and then her due date is the following Saturday (Nov. 14).  I'm usually a worrier, so I'm just trying to keep cool about this - whatever is going to happen is going to happen.

I'm also trying my best to keep this as quiet as possible.  We've told maybe three friends or so in real life, and no family.  I don't want to get people involved in this until after it's all over, and we know something.  At this point, what good does it do if people know we're doing this?  How does that help?  It doesn't, so it's best just to keep it private and not have to field questions.

Best of luck to everyone having big weeks!

16 weeks and 3 days - An Invitation

To: Our future child

From: Your parents
When: Thursday, Nov. 5
Time: 2:30 p.m. CST
What: Frozen embryo transfer
Where: My womb

You are cordially invited to my womb for a frozen embryo transfer. We dearly hope and pray that you can make it, and that you will stay for the 9 month duration. Food and lodging will be provided, as well as lots of love.

16 weeks and 2 days - Good U/S

Nothing like a TV ultrasound to start the day, right?  :)

Had an ultrasound and blood test (for my progesterone levels) this morning.  Everything is looking good - they need your uterine lining to be at an 8, mine is at a 10.  Since I haven't heard back, I'm assuming that my progesterone levels are sub-ovulatory, as they should be (no news is good news!).  Everything is right on track - stopped the Lupron on Tuesday night (the headaches are going away!), but starting the progesterone-in-oil shots on Saturday night. 

I'm so grateful for everyone's well wishes and thoughts!  I'm so lucky to have such a strong network of blog friends!

Totally off-topic, but just a quick prayer request for anyone who is into that sort of thing.  My friend Tad is in surgery right now for brain cancer.  It sounds like things went incredibly well, but there are some other tumors spread around his body that are the next thing to tackle.  If you're the praying kind, please send a little one his way.

16 weeks and 1 day - Long & Winding Road

One thing that every single person with infertility or loss issues knows deeply is the lack of control we have over life. We try our hardest to get pregnant, to keep those babies inside of us – and we learn how very little “our best” can do. I don’t mean this in a negative way – it just strikes me every now and again how much I used to think I could orchestrate everything. I did the IVF thing perfectly, I was overcautious, I read study after study on fertility, pregnancy, etc. Then, we lost Maddie. After all of that work, we still lost our girl. There wasn’t anything I could do about it – and now, there ultimately isn’t anything I can do to make sure that the FET works other than just follow the protocol and pray.


In a way, this is a freeing. I’m not responsible for everything and everyone – I can do what I can do, and try to be the best mother and wife possible. No more, no less. I just have to follow wherever this road takes me.

(Sorry, that’s a little pseudo-existential for a Wednesday morning, but I think the calm is just good right now.)

15 weeks and 3 days - Nervous

I may be a bad person for this, but it scares the crap out of me that there are some people who have come back to work while they're still sick.  I feel badly and want them to be healthy - but I will selfishly admit that I don't want to get sick right now.  I don't want someone else coming back to work before they're ready to screw up our FET by getting me sick! 

15 weeks and 1 day - Uncertainty

I’m kind of weighing options at this point. We have three perfect 6-day blastocysts frozen. Our RE’s office freezes them in straws of two – so we have one straw with two babies, one with one. We transferred two when I became pregnant with Maddie, but she was the only one who implanted.


When I first talked to my super-fantastic RE right after I lost Maddie and was exploring our options for this, we discussed whether it would be more prudent to transfer one or two. My thinking was, “If my cervix is incompetent, two babies will put on more stress than one.” He agreed that it might be better to start with the single embryo, and then go to the two if that doesn’t work.

Now I just keep wondering if we should do the two due to the likelihood that only one would implant? I know that twins are very common – but what if we only transfer one and it doesn’t take? It’s not like this is free. I just don’t know how to balance the uncertainty of even getting pregnant with the chances that my cervix wouldn’t allow me to stay that way (since cerclages are only about 80% effective). Grr. I should probably just stick with the original plan.

15 weeks - Calm

Today is a much more calm day.  I'm still weary and just tired of all of this trying and uncertainty (in honesty, I just want Maddie back), but I just wanted to make a quick note about how grateful I am to have our frozen embryo babies.  After the severe OHSS, I don't know that I could handle doing stims this soon after Maddie's birth - the FET is a nice gradual wade into the water.  We're so lucky that we had so many eligible blasts to freeze.

14 weeks and 6 days - A Little Weary

There's not really much to blog about today.  I'm just a little weary.  Shots, estrogen patches, pills - it's just tiring.  I don't really get the mood swings very badly that a lot of women do, but the headaches and just the stress of it is wearing on me.  We just did this.  It worked - and now we have to do it again because my body gave out on our baby.  I have to be so minutely, incredibly perfect with the calendar, the schedule - it's just a lot today.  It's also hard to know that not only do they have to physically put my babies inside of my body, but that now they'll have to (if it works - please let it work) sew them inside of me in hopes that they stay there.  There really isn't any part of the babymaking process that I can "do" correctly.

Sorry for the venting.  Just a down weekend.

14 weeks and 1 day - A Good Test

Just got back from the hysterosalpinogram a bit ago.  Things went well - nothing changed in my uterus during the pregnancy or since.  I had forgotten how much I hated certain medical devices, however - nothing like a speculum and a mess to wake you up for the day.

Physically - 6.5     Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 6.5  Spiritually - 8

13 weeks and 6 days - Nerves

I had to wake up super-early today and drive the 60 minutes down to my RE's office to get my blood taken for my estradiol levels.  The process is honestly just so low-key with an FET, but I woke up at least a half an hour before my alarm and just laid there, certain that they were going to call me and tell me that the E2 levels were off and that we'd have to cancel the cycle.  I don't know why - maybe it's just preparing for the worst and hoping for the best, but it was this very real fear (which I never even considered during our last FET or our fresh cycle - then I was overstimulating).  I'm just waiting now for the call with my levels - hopefully this fear can go away here shortly.

I have had the song "Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright in my head this weekend - it was the song my husband and I instantly thought of when we found out Maddie was a little girl.  I had always wanted a little girl, and was just so excited.  The song is just so beautiful:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVam-fshUgw

Physically - 6.5      Mentally – 8

Emotionally - 6.5   Spiritually - 8