One thing that every single person with infertility or loss issues knows deeply is the lack of control we have over life. We try our hardest to get pregnant, to keep those babies inside of us – and we learn how very little “our best” can do. I don’t mean this in a negative way – it just strikes me every now and again how much I used to think I could orchestrate everything. I did the IVF thing perfectly, I was overcautious, I read study after study on fertility, pregnancy, etc. Then, we lost Maddie. After all of that work, we still lost our girl. There wasn’t anything I could do about it – and now, there ultimately isn’t anything I can do to make sure that the FET works other than just follow the protocol and pray.
In a way, this is a freeing. I’m not responsible for everything and everyone – I can do what I can do, and try to be the best mother and wife possible. No more, no less. I just have to follow wherever this road takes me.
(Sorry, that’s a little pseudo-existential for a Wednesday morning, but I think the calm is just good right now.)
Showing posts with label hopes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hopes. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
13 weeks and 1 day - Move Forward With
Happy 3-month birthday, Maddie. I love and miss you so much every day. I hope you can hear me when I tell you that.
It’s almost like my body knew that it was her 3-month birthday today as I slept last night. I had the weirdest dream. It was happening right now, as I go through the Lupron shots - I had to take an HPT before I started the BCP’s and the shots to make sure it was negative. However, I had to go to the OB for some reason, and they decided to test me for pregnancy (although they didn’t do a blood test). They got out the old TV ultrasound wand and checked that way for a while, and then they took some weird thermal molds of my stomach area – they were all pink by default, and they formed the shape of my stomach area.
While I was looking at the molds, one of them turned white where my stomach had been. The nurse looked at me and said, “This is where your baby is.” I instantly thought of Maddie, longing for her, asking if she meant that somehow my body was still registering as pregnant from her. “No, you’re pregnant again.” I asked if the baby would be okay, since I was on the Lupron shots – she said, “We’ll discuss the baby’s health later, but this is where you are pregnant.” I instantly leaned into the mold, touching where my baby should be/was – feeling so much hope and yet just knowing that it was going to end in loss. Wishing that it were Maddie, and yet celebrating her new sibling while mourning what I was dreading was going to be the loss of another child.
Wow, that dream is really kind of depressing. I guess I don’t know how to take it – I don’t know if I’m ready for this whole transfer thing. Then again, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for it, and this is the only way we can have another child. I can never “move on from” Maddie, but I just want to learn how to “move forward with” her.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally – 8
Emotionally - 5 Spiritually - 7
It’s almost like my body knew that it was her 3-month birthday today as I slept last night. I had the weirdest dream. It was happening right now, as I go through the Lupron shots - I had to take an HPT before I started the BCP’s and the shots to make sure it was negative. However, I had to go to the OB for some reason, and they decided to test me for pregnancy (although they didn’t do a blood test). They got out the old TV ultrasound wand and checked that way for a while, and then they took some weird thermal molds of my stomach area – they were all pink by default, and they formed the shape of my stomach area.
While I was looking at the molds, one of them turned white where my stomach had been. The nurse looked at me and said, “This is where your baby is.” I instantly thought of Maddie, longing for her, asking if she meant that somehow my body was still registering as pregnant from her. “No, you’re pregnant again.” I asked if the baby would be okay, since I was on the Lupron shots – she said, “We’ll discuss the baby’s health later, but this is where you are pregnant.” I instantly leaned into the mold, touching where my baby should be/was – feeling so much hope and yet just knowing that it was going to end in loss. Wishing that it were Maddie, and yet celebrating her new sibling while mourning what I was dreading was going to be the loss of another child.
Wow, that dream is really kind of depressing. I guess I don’t know how to take it – I don’t know if I’m ready for this whole transfer thing. Then again, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for it, and this is the only way we can have another child. I can never “move on from” Maddie, but I just want to learn how to “move forward with” her.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally – 8
Emotionally - 5 Spiritually - 7
Friday, September 25, 2009
11 weeks and 3 days - Eyes Wide Open
I had a dream last night. In the dream, I was nursing. But, at the same time, I knew Maddie was gone, that I couldn't ever nurse her.
I keep thinking about beginning the whole FET process again, and I am absolutely terrified. I will admit it. I remember the early days of trying, back when I had all of this hope that it could be easy, not knowing the intense wanting and hurt that was possible. That's when I realized how very sobering all of this is, how we have unique understandings of reality that most people never do. When you go through IVF and FET's, when you go to such extreme measures to even have the hope of a child, you realize the stark reality that every child is a miracle, and that you may not get to experience that miracle. When you have experienced the loss of your child, when you've held that little one in your arms, you understand that getting pregnant doesn't automatically mean that everything is going to be okay; nor does making it to 13 weeks, 18 weeks, 20 weeks.
Almost all young women just naturally assume that they can get pregnant when they first try, and that their babies will live to old age. I pray every night not only just to be able to conceive a baby, but desparately pray that she or he lives past birth. This is something you usually take for granted, not something that you have difficulty imagining is even possible. I think the "upside" of this (not really the correct word, but it's what I've got) is that you now cherish everything you have. I appreciate my husband even more than I did before, and my family. I feel so blessed to have had those months with Maddie, to be able to see that she is the most beautiful child ever created. If we are able to get pregnant again, it will mean so much more even than it did before (and I already cherished every second because of how hard it was to get pregnant). I just wish I could have Maddie.
Physically - 5 Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 4.5 Spiritually - 7
I keep thinking about beginning the whole FET process again, and I am absolutely terrified. I will admit it. I remember the early days of trying, back when I had all of this hope that it could be easy, not knowing the intense wanting and hurt that was possible. That's when I realized how very sobering all of this is, how we have unique understandings of reality that most people never do. When you go through IVF and FET's, when you go to such extreme measures to even have the hope of a child, you realize the stark reality that every child is a miracle, and that you may not get to experience that miracle. When you have experienced the loss of your child, when you've held that little one in your arms, you understand that getting pregnant doesn't automatically mean that everything is going to be okay; nor does making it to 13 weeks, 18 weeks, 20 weeks.
Almost all young women just naturally assume that they can get pregnant when they first try, and that their babies will live to old age. I pray every night not only just to be able to conceive a baby, but desparately pray that she or he lives past birth. This is something you usually take for granted, not something that you have difficulty imagining is even possible. I think the "upside" of this (not really the correct word, but it's what I've got) is that you now cherish everything you have. I appreciate my husband even more than I did before, and my family. I feel so blessed to have had those months with Maddie, to be able to see that she is the most beautiful child ever created. If we are able to get pregnant again, it will mean so much more even than it did before (and I already cherished every second because of how hard it was to get pregnant). I just wish I could have Maddie.
Physically - 5 Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 4.5 Spiritually - 7
Thursday, August 27, 2009
7 weeks and 2 days - Hopes and Dreams
I know how much all of my hopes and dreams weighed. They weighed exactly 13.5 ounces.
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