One thing that every single person with infertility or loss issues knows deeply is the lack of control we have over life. We try our hardest to get pregnant, to keep those babies inside of us – and we learn how very little “our best” can do. I don’t mean this in a negative way – it just strikes me every now and again how much I used to think I could orchestrate everything. I did the IVF thing perfectly, I was overcautious, I read study after study on fertility, pregnancy, etc. Then, we lost Maddie. After all of that work, we still lost our girl. There wasn’t anything I could do about it – and now, there ultimately isn’t anything I can do to make sure that the FET works other than just follow the protocol and pray.
In a way, this is a freeing. I’m not responsible for everything and everyone – I can do what I can do, and try to be the best mother and wife possible. No more, no less. I just have to follow wherever this road takes me.
(Sorry, that’s a little pseudo-existential for a Wednesday morning, but I think the calm is just good right now.)
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
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8 comments:
Angie, this post is evident that healing is taking place for you. *hugs*
I agree. When it comes to the female reproductive system there is very little we can control and its not till we started to try that I realized how complex our system is and now that I have had multiple losses, how complicated pregnancy is in general and how many things can go wrong.
It makes us more aware, but at the same time more on edge. It makes trying for that next baby more anxiety-ridden, if that is a word. I am praying for you to get through this time with peace of mind. *hugs*
I'm trying to follow this advice. And it does help sometimes. Thanks for bringing it up to me again.
Wow - this post is so true and a good reminder to not stress things that don't go right, no matter how big or small. Try as we might, we really can't control most outcomes. All we are required to do is our best and the rest is in God's hands.
Jess - you're right, both of my losses have made me realize the same thing. :) I think I meant it in an even larger sense, too - I really can't control ANYTHING except myself. I can try and help explain to others why I think things are a bad idea, I can disagree with things - but, in the end, all of us make our own decisions. And there are just other things that are beyond decisions made in this world. It's scary and yet frees us of responsibility - which is bizarre. *hugs*
Cheryl - you're such a sweetie. It's easy to say, you know? I keep telling myself this, but there are those days... :)
Heather - you're so very kind. And you're right - it's just about doing our best, whatever that is that day.
As true as it is--and you're completely correct, there is nothing more any of us can do--it's still a bitter pill to swallow. As a big concept, I HATE it but then when I think in terms of specifics, it's comforting. For example, I had zero fertilization on my last regular IVF w/ICSI cycle. I didn't do anything to cause that; it just happened. If I had known the signs of preterm labor I would have been at the hospital 48 hours earlier but I didn't and I wasn't and I can't go back in time to change anything.
I like that this is your attitude also. I truly do hope it "liberates" you. I just read your post about dealing with family stuff during this FET cycle and I just want you to know I continue to pray for you every day.
***HUGS***
Rachel - you are SO right. There are sometimes when it's nice to realize that things aren't my fault - but it also is so hard and bitter (good wording!) to realize that all of our hard work ultimately often doesn't really matter.
I'm praying for you, too - so many big changes! :) You're amazing!
I have got nothing - I just wanted to stop by and tell you I am thinking of you.
That means more than I can say. :)
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