Happy 3-month birthday, Maddie. I love and miss you so much every day. I hope you can hear me when I tell you that.
It’s almost like my body knew that it was her 3-month birthday today as I slept last night. I had the weirdest dream. It was happening right now, as I go through the Lupron shots - I had to take an HPT before I started the BCP’s and the shots to make sure it was negative. However, I had to go to the OB for some reason, and they decided to test me for pregnancy (although they didn’t do a blood test). They got out the old TV ultrasound wand and checked that way for a while, and then they took some weird thermal molds of my stomach area – they were all pink by default, and they formed the shape of my stomach area.
While I was looking at the molds, one of them turned white where my stomach had been. The nurse looked at me and said, “This is where your baby is.” I instantly thought of Maddie, longing for her, asking if she meant that somehow my body was still registering as pregnant from her. “No, you’re pregnant again.” I asked if the baby would be okay, since I was on the Lupron shots – she said, “We’ll discuss the baby’s health later, but this is where you are pregnant.” I instantly leaned into the mold, touching where my baby should be/was – feeling so much hope and yet just knowing that it was going to end in loss. Wishing that it were Maddie, and yet celebrating her new sibling while mourning what I was dreading was going to be the loss of another child.
Wow, that dream is really kind of depressing. I guess I don’t know how to take it – I don’t know if I’m ready for this whole transfer thing. Then again, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for it, and this is the only way we can have another child. I can never “move on from” Maddie, but I just want to learn how to “move forward with” her.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally – 8
Emotionally - 5 Spiritually - 7
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Angie. *hugs* Thinking of you and your sweet baby girl on this day.
Happy 3 month anniversary Maddie. Send your mommy and daddy some love from heaven today so that they know you hear them when they talk to you.
Moving forward...such a hart concept. One filled with excitement, but fear. I want to give Jonathan a sibling, but I keep thinking of all the thoughts that will go through my head when that baby is born if it is born healthy etc. I can understand what you are feeling. We will never get over our babies' deaths, but we will get through them. One day the sun will shine and we will figure out how to incorporate our perfect babies into our daily lives.
Thanks, Jess. That means a lot. There are just a whole lot of feelings wrapped up into one, as you know.
I too am thinking of you today. I wish there were clear answers or indications when it comes to trying again after a loss, and I wish I could say that even after conceiving again (and maybe even bringing home a live baby) you will feel like you made the right decision at the right time. Life after loss becomes the perfect illustration of, "What happens, happens."
I am thinking of you, Angie. Big hugs to you today.
I like the way you put it - you'll never move on but are learning to move forward WITH her. She will always be with you. You are right, going through with the FET will probably not be easy whether you do it tomorrow or in 10 years. I sort of know what you mean, too. We still don't know how our baby is going to come, and we have to sort through all that before we take the next step. It will probably be another year for us before we feel ready. But I have had a lot of these same thoughts.
Anyway, just know you are being thought of, and I will be rooting for you as you take these steps. I wish I were taking them with you - it'd be nice to have someone to go through it with. But I will be thinking of you just the same.
Fishsticks & Fireflies - you're exactly right, there's just no way to know if it's the right time. And what are the options? Not trying and regretting it forever, or maybe trying when I might not be ready. Whatever happens, happens - just like you said.
Heather - I know exactly what you mean. All of this is a really lonely process, and having a buddy in it all is helpful. :) Just know that I'm here for you whenever and whatever you decide. There really is no way to know if we're doing the right thing!
As someone who has had pregnancies with losses post our children dying and now a pregnancy that ended in 2 healthy (even if preterm) and kicking babies, I can tell you that there isnt a time that things are okay. One of the things we felt early on is that our grief wasnt linear and, therefore, there wasnt some place where we would just be able to say "okay, let's get pregnant because we arent broken anymore". We will always be broken. Always sad and missing. But that doesnt mean that giving our little saints siblings shouldnt happen. But it is very hard. There are moments that the entire world just falls apart under your feet. But at the same time, it is beautiful. And Maddie will be with you.
Happy Birthday, Maddie. Watch over Mommy and Daddy and let them feel your love wash over them constantly, especially today...
Thanks, Michele - it helps to hear that from someone who has gone through both outcomes to trying after loss. I wish you didn't have any loss (you know what I mean), but it helps to know that there isn't a magic switch that comes on and tells you you're ready.
over from LFCA.
Hugs, and thinking of you today.
Post a Comment