I went to my grief counselor this morning for the second time. She's a very good counselor - kind, compassionate, concerned.
One of the things we've discussed before is radical acceptance - the realization that I am in this moment, and that I am okay. I don't have control over a lot of things, but this is what it is. This is what I've been given, and it's mine to embrace.
One of the ways this has helped me over the past couple of weeks is in regards to all of those "what if's" - the questions of if I had done this differently, changed that, if Maddie would still be with me. The answer is - it doesn't really matter. I can't go back and change the way things happened, I can just learn to process that they did, and accept it as a part of my life. I have a wonderful daughter, but through a will other than my own, she is in Heaven. God needed her, and this is how I was meant to have her.
She also recommended that I take stock of my well-being every day. She wants me to make sure to write down (which I'll do here) how I'm doing physically, mentally (ability to focus, etc.), emotionally, and spiritually on a scale of 1 - 10 (1 being "barely functioning," 10 being "I can climb a mountain"). This can help gauge what I'm ready to do, instead of just what I want to do, or what I think is right. The "spiritual" aspect will mean the most - it indicates my ability to accept and cope with what I've been given.
Physically - 8 Mentally - 7
Emotionally - 6 Spiritually - 7
I am grateful for an emotional 6, and a spiritual 7.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
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5 comments:
One day at a time. Every day is a gift. In the early days, I made myself focus on one very happy memory of the children. Just one and to smile about it through the pain. It has gotten me through many months. It still hurts but those memories are my saving grace at times.
Sending hugs...
Sounds like you are having an "okay" day, and I think that is great. It's amazing what talking through things can do for your well being. I'm so glad you have a counselor to talk with and help guide you. I tried to do it on my own after Cooper, and now I know that was silly.
I appreciate that you are sharing this with us. Sadly, many of us have been there...so don't ever feel that you can't share. It's likely one of us has felt the same.
Michele - you're so right, every day is a unique and special gift. And Maddie IS with me, no matter in what capacity - that brings me so much contentment. Like you said, it hurts, but it's what sustains me.
Mrsmuelly - you're so incredibly kind. :) You're right - each of these "okay" days are a true gift. I hope that time has done what a counselor might have in those early days - from reading your posts, I know it has. It means so much that others first of all even want to read my ramblings (!!), and secondly that they share in so many of the same emotions. As you unfortunately know, this is so very lonely in so many ways.
Angie, you are right...one day at a time. What may be a good day today may be a good day tomorrow and unfortunately we don't know how we will feel from one moment to the next and with that we just gotta focus on what we have now. Thank you for the chat tonight!! It was very helpful *hugs*
Jess - I so enjoyed talking last night, too. I hope you have a good day today - only two days until you see Mike!!! *hugs*
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