It's kind of hard to have a lot to write about when you're lying on your back 24/7. All I care about right at this moment is that the baby appears to be doing great.
My husband and I were chatting about some of the ultrasound techs we've had lately. The ones at my RE's office are just awesome, the one at my peri seems really nice - but the one at the hospital was a pill. I kept trying to make witty remarks to come up with some kind of rapport, but it's like she refused to enjoy the fact that she was witnessing a miracle every time she turned on the ultrasound - or to be sympathetic to how worried I was after the cerclage. I guess it's just my opinion, but if you're putting anything called a "wand" near me and it doesn't have the word "magic" in front of it, you could at least try and make me feel a little better.
I miss Maddie desperately today. It's so hard to realize that this was God's will, but I know it is and that she's happier now than she ever would have been on Earth. She's safe and at peace, and that's really all I can ask as a mother - but it just hurts so much to not have her. I think it's probably just that the flutters, etc. remind me so much of our pregnancy with her.
I want to apologize if me talking about Baby Jota hurts anyone in any way. I know the freshness and rawness of baby loss - I still feel it every day. I know that you have a pang of jealousy when others are pregnant, and I feel bad if my mentioning the pregnancy makes anyone feel bad. I guess all I can do is blog about what's important to me, and hope that others protect themselves if it's too hard to read.
Grab My Button
My Girls
Both of my girls
Maddie's Flower
from Say It With Flowers
Maddie's Name in the Sand
14 comments:
I can imagine missing Maddie almost more now that you are pregnant with Baby Jota.
In regards to posts, this is your blog and feel free to say what you need and want to say. If someone is having a rough day, they will stay away. We know its not your intent to hurt anyone, but remember dear it is your blog. You have every right to say what is on your mind. *hugs*
I've been missing Ella so much lately. I want this baby, but I want Ella, too. The thing is, both girls could be here had Ella lived. This little one wasn't conceived until Ella would have been 3 months old (had she been born on her actual DD).
I'm starting to get so sore. And, I'm not even doing strict rest like you. How are you holding up?
That is so sweet and sensitive of you to think about the mamas reading who aren't here yet. I feel the same way when I post about this pregnancy.
Missing Madeleine with you!
Jess - that is so sweet of you. Thank you so much - you're right, I need to just remember why I'm blogging. I just hate if I'm ever a source of pain for anyone. Hugs back. :)
Bree - you're such a sweetie. I know that you know where I'm at, from our chats - it's so hard. This baby would still likely be a frozen embryo at this point if we had Maddie, but we'd still have a chance at having both babies genetically. It's so hard to think that I just want them both.
My back is kind of killing me, I'll be honest! I've been worried about some symptoms, so I'm just trying to be patient until next Tuesday's appt. You're so sweet!
I am so happy that the baby Jota is doing okay. I bet you must be bored on bed rest! : )
I am sure the flutters remind you of your pregnancy with Maddie. I can only imagine how hard that must be.
Don't be shy to mention your feelings in your blog. That is what it is for. As much as it hurts me at times to hear of a pregnancy, I am ALWAYS so EXCITED for moms expecting their rainbows. I think it is a beautiful thing.
XO
Oh, Jill, thank you so much! That makes me feel better. I've just been on both sides of this, and don't want to make anyone uncomfortable!
I'm just sending you a quick hug. I wish everyone who is taking care of your pregnancy could get to know you - they'd be pretty happy if they did!
I'm with Jessica, feel free to write whatever you want. I'm glad to hear at least most of the techs you seen have been nice to you! It annoys me when I hear of health care professionals not providing good care.
Cheryl, that was the sweetest thing ever! :) I usually try and be friendly because I know how working with people can be when they're stressed, but this woman was just... ugh! :)
Holly - you're so sweet, thank you so much!! You're so kind - and I agree, there's just something about working with patients that requires a lot of warmth. I would think it's such a rewarding job...!
I wish medical professionals would actually take a minute to glance at the chart of the patient they are seeing instead of just assuming that they are going to be performing 'just another ultrasound' . . . I can't count the number of times I went in for tests/procedures/scans and wanted nothing more than a smile or a pat on the shoulder from the person performing them - just a quiet reassurance that they were on my side.
I am so sorry that today was a hard day, and hope that tomorrow is a little bit better. Pregnancy after loss is so bittersweet - it is impossible to not miss what you don't have in light of being grateful for what you do.
F&F - I think that's exactly it. Anyone who just picks up the chart realizes that this is an incredibly stressful experience. Unless you're completely jaded as a person, that has to speak to your heart... doesn't it? There's just no stress like this.
You're so right - it's just not the same experience that it was before. There's the "knowing," and it's terrifying. You're such a sweetheart - you know exactly what I'm feeling!
I haven't had the loss, but I have had the pain and fear of not knowing if I will be able to conceive, and you know what? I WANT to hear about Baby Jota! There is love and hope and redemtion in that. It doesn't take away from Maddie (or from any other loss or fear), but it is happy, and that is life; sometimes happy sometimes not so much. It is real, and this is your space.
I adore you for worrying about everyone else, but you get to take care of you too. I can't wait to hear more about the happy... you deserve loads of it!
You are so courteous and kind, dear Angie. Please know that you can say anything you want at anytime. And I can be 100% honest when I say I am not jealous of you - I never even thought of that. In fact, it surprises even me because I'm very jealous of the pregnant girl at work, but then she's never experienced loss. I can't wait until I'm carrying my own rainbow, but for my baby loss mommas, I feel nothing but true happiness and joy. I feel blessed for the opportunity to follow you on this blog.
I've been missing my Maddy too. It seems the more I heal, the more I miss her.
Missing Maddie with you...
S.I.F. - thank you so much, that brought tears to my eyes!! I just can't say how much that means to me, and I hope the same happiness comes to you!
Heather - you're so sweet! I think there's something so special about our little girls sharing that name (even with different spellings). I am just so touched. :)
Hun, this is your space to be how you are and talk about what's important to you. That being said, you are so sweet to think about how speaking of Baby Jota will make others feel. I think acknowledging that it does cause a twinge of jealousy should be enough. Honestly, though I am really happy for you.
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