6 weeks and 5 days. That's how long it's been since my precious girl was taken. That's how time is measured now - time "before," and how long "since."
I miss my baby. I miss her so much every single day, every single minute. She's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, and her urn is the last thing I look at before I close my eyes every night.
There are so many things I can't truly express to people. I cannot fully express how, even surrounded by people who love me and who are caring for me, I am absolutely alone. There is no other person who knows how I feel, who feels this loss. Maddie wasn't anyone else's baby - she was mine, and it's my body that couldn't support her. It was I who failed to be able to conceive her naturally, and it was I who failed at bringing her life.
I also don't think anyone else can truly understand what a loss there is in Maddie. So many people don't realize that she was truly a baby. By law, we had to have her body either buried or cremated. By law, we had to have a death certificate. She was between 10 and 11 inches long, and was 13.5 oz. - she was the length of my arm. Her beautiful little head nestled perfectly into my hand as I held her for the short hour and a half after I delivered her, and again the next morning when I got to hold her for another hour and a half. It hurts that we couldn't share the beautiful girl we made with the world - JTD and I, the nurses and Dr. L, the hospital chaplain, Mom & Dad, Grandma & Grandpa... those were the only people who got to behold what a special little piece of perfection she was. Only those few people got to see that she had JTD's clefted chin, that she had my nose, that her fingers were beautifully long and delicate. Before anyone had the chance, she was gone - nobody else got to share in the memories of her, got to hold her.
There are some who expect me to move on, to be "getting better" - there is no way to get better from this. My child will forever be gone. This sorrow isn't a puddle or a lake - it's a wide, yawning sea.
Grab My Button
My Girls
Both of my girls
Maddie's Flower
from Say It With Flowers
Maddie's Name in the Sand
2 comments:
I am so very truly sorry. The pain from losing a baby never goes away. I still think of times as "before" and "after". That's how time is measured now...and probably will forever be that way.
I don't expect you to be getting better. You just find different ways to get through each day...I understand.
That means so very, very much to me. It means so much to know that it's NORMAL to see time as "before" and "after," and it is so helpful to know that it's okay to feel like this. Thank you - so much.
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