Tomorrow is Alice's 8-week birthday. Unfortunately, that also means that it's the day I return to work. I have spent all day crying and panicking, rotating between trying to think how I can stay at home (I just can't), and how I can get more time with her.
We really have an amazing situation - my husband works from 2 - 10 p.m. on Monday-Thursday (Friday off, then he works 6 - 2 on Saturdays), and I used to work 8 - 5. I adjusted my hours to 7 - 4, so we only have to have day care from 1:30 - 4:30 - JTD will take care of her in the mornings before he works, and then I will later. One of my very best friends will be watching her, and that's a blessing. I just can't get over the fact that it's not me, though. I am the only one who knows every single thing about her, who knows her sounds and looks. I just keep thinking about Maddie, and how I would have done anything to protect her, and how I couldn't - I want to do better for Alice. It makes me realize how very broken I still am, how there are still times when I want to crawl into bed and cry for hours for my daughter who's gone, and for the things from which I won't be able to protect my second daughter.
I don't want to go back at all - anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?
Monday, September 13, 2010
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12 comments:
Hi! I had my first day back to work today and it went okay. I missed my daughter but what kept me going was at 5pm I would be off work and would see her again. Just the thought of holding my sweetie again kept me going. Everyone I worked with welcomed me back and were really glad to see me so that made me feel good about myself. I am at home with her now and enjoying her smiles and talking to me. Sending you big hugs and will be thinking about you tomorrow.
I knew today was your first day back, and was thinking of you! I am so glad you had such a wonderful experience - that makes me feel so much better! What a wonderful, supportive group at work - and what a wonderful reward awaiting you at home!!
I am so sorry! I can really relate to your feelings.
I went back to work at the beginning of the school year (I'm a teacher) and my mom is watching Gigi. I should feel so lucky (and I do) that my parents are willing to take this on, but instead I felt almost angry, I felt bad for Gigi, and I was envious that my parents were going to get to spend so much time with her instead of me.
I will say that the initial few days were VERY hard, and leaving her everyday is still hard, but once I am at work, I'm usually okay. I hope tomorrow is gentle on you. I wish I had a way for us all to stay home with our sweet little ones!
Tuna, I think I will feel the same way - jealous of others' time with her! I want it all, as you know! it helps so much to hear this.
Tuna, I think I will feel the same way - jealous of others' time with her! I want it all, as you know! it helps so much to hear this.
I have no advice at all lady, because I know that I too would be a wreck. But, I do know that you will get through this... after everything you've been through to get here, you will get through this. I don't doubt that for a second!
I'm so sad you have to go back to work at all, but glad for you that your situation seems to be a good one!
I've been back for a month and a half now. It's still rough. The time I have with W seems so rushed and I actually WANT him to need to be rocked to sleep at night.
The good thing is that this kid knows how much Mommy and Daddy love him. We spend as much time as we can cuddling and playing.
I hope you have lots of pictures with you today. And don't be afraid to cry! I cried through the entire first day (and sometimes I still cry a little). Each day will get easier and soon it will be your routine. Right now I'm waiting for the day he lights up when I get home.
I'm glad that she'll only be in daycare for a couple hrs instead of almost a whole day. That's really good! I know I wish I could work part time but it's just not possible right now.
I have no advice but I'm praying for you. I know you'll get into a routine and everyone will be fine but it sucks that you have to be away from her. Big hugs!
I hope your first week back was good! Alice is so adorable. I was just thinking about you...
I wanted to nominate you for a blog award, but I need your email, and I'm too much of an idiot to find it on your page! lol Can you please send it to me? kirstenalyse@comcast.net
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