I haven't been able to post much lately. I have been in a funk.
Alice's birthday went great, lots of friends came. The next week, she came down with croup. A few days later, a staph infection (about which I had tried to get her in, but they put us off for almost a week until it got bad), and then... Pickle broke her arm. I feel like a total failure, even though the orthopedist explained we couldn't have prevented it, and it is common for super-active babies. It is a buckle fracture, caused by falling. Which toddlers do. But my baby barely got to a year before we broke her! I know I couldn't do anything besides wrap her in bubble wrap... But I wanted to protect her from any pain ever. I pray daily that she has a long, healthy, happy life that is free from pain or want, and I wish she wasn't hurt.
I usually try and stuff my deep feelings about Maddie down where they don't hurt so much, but they have come out in great gasping sobs a few times lately. That sounds overdramatic, but it is the best description I have. I call them "bad Maddie days" - I remember her, love her, talk to her every day, but it is just hard, and the funk... It doesn't help.
What a grim post. Gah.
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Thanks, Bree!
8 comments:
Im with you (((HUGS)). I am so sorry sweetie broke her arm and was sick, I can only imagine how hard that is on your head, because we know all too well that pit in our stomach doesn't go away very easily. You feel like you are holding your breath until she feels better right? On a good note, she turned one, YAY!! Happy Bday!!! I have been very lucky that Autumn has been doing good except a few yeast infections that spread like wildfire. She is one now too!!! I talk to my girls in Heaven lots too, its a very delicate balance, and you do the best you can, its all we can do. You are still an awesome Mommy to your daughters. Im going to go buy bubble wrap now.... Much love, Nan xxxooo
Oh, honey! I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time :( I can't imagine what it must be like for you, but you did not break Alice! Accidents are going to happen and, as the orthopedist said, it sometimes happens with active babies. I know it's not how you wanted it to be, but it is what it is.
I'm sorry you're missing Maddie so much :( I wish I could give you a huge hug, but I'm too far away. So, instead, I will send you a mental hug!
Hope you break out of your funk soon! Hugs!
You aren't being grim, you are being honest. You are allowed to feel like this! I think I went through something similar around Caitlyn's birthday... it's just such a big milestone and a reminder of something you won't ever get with Maddie. It's unfair that every big thing like that has a cloud over it.
I'm sorry about Alice's arm. It's not even close to the same thing, but I remember when I nearly amputated Caitlyn's finger with a nail clipper and I just FREAKED out. Like, damn, I can't do anything right. I can't keep a baby safe in any capacity, ever. I can't imagine how you must feel with this. Logically, you know she will be fine but it's hard not to blame yourself and feel like a failure because you didn't stop it from happening. And yeah, we've DEFINITELY been THERE before.
Also, thanks for your comment on my last post. I didn't respond to it because I don't know what else to say. Except thank you for getting it. No one else ever REALLY gets it, but somehow we have this connection and it makes it bearable when shit is really hard. Because I guess I've been in a bit of a funk myself :)
((hugs)). i'm sorry for the funk. and for needing to stuff your feelings down. i do know those gasping sobs. i do.
so not your fault about Alice's arm. but i get it.
love to you, sweetie.
It ok to have the bad days...let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. We love our children and miss them, that will never change! Let yourself be real, that is what matters!I know the funk is hard...praying for you!
I'm sorry friend... I think it's normal that these kinds of days would still happen, but I'm so sorry you still have to go through that at all.
Not grim, just truthful. Things have been pretty great since Lainey was born but I'm waiting for the moment where it hits me. Won't be pretty!
Oh no! I'm so sorry for the bad things that have happened to Alice lately. They are sooo not your fault! She will heal because of you :)
Sending *hugs*
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