8 weeks and 4 days - Expected Yet Unexpected

After I delivered Maddie, my OB said that I could wait for my first cycle and then try again naturally.  I called my fertility doctor and asked him how we would go about moving towards the frozen embryo transfer - he said we'd wait for two cycles, then start be on birth control pills to start the process towards the FET.  Since he doubted that I'd get my cycles naturally, he called in a prescription for Provera to induce the process.  If I took an HPT and it was negative, I was to start the pills today.

Well, I woke up this morning around 5:50 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.  I'd been taking my temps every morning and had never seen a spike.  Even though I know they're not that helpful for people with severe PCOS, I had taken two weeks' worth of ovulation predictor kits - which had all been negative.  I knew how the pregnancy test was going to turn out, but I just had this tiny, miniscule hope that maybe somehow the OPK's had been wrong, that I'd ovulated somehow and conceived.

Of course, the test was negative.  I was a little sad - but then I thought about it, and knew I wasn't really sad for a negative test I had wholly expected.  I'm sad because Monday will be two months since I lost my little girl, because I would be 30 weeks exactly today, because I want to still be pregnant with her. Yes, I want another baby - but I just want her so badly.  Today and forever. 

I'm not surprised that today is a bad day, with it being such a milestone of "what would have been" - but this is just a day, like every other day.  Tomorrow we start again.

I love you, Maddie.

Physically - 7.5                            Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 3.5                         Spiritually - 605

8 weeks and 3 days - Cautious

I am a member of a large message board community for pregnant women, mothers, etc.  Right now, unfortunately, all of the groups to which I belong are related to pregnancy loss, trying to conceive after such a loss, and so on.  I recently joined a group that is reserved for parents (mostly women) whose babies would be due in November of 2009.  I had hoped it would be cathartic - I don't want to wallow in the loss of Maddie, but I was hoping that there would be help in reading about other women preparing for the same milestones (since I've found reading blogs and talking to others who have experienced loss so helpful).

It has not been as helpful as I hoped.  I think a lot of the women in there may have experienced their losses earlier on than I lost Maddie, and are possibly further along in the grieving process.  Almost all of the posts are about trying to conceive again, pictures of home pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits, all about trying again.  I am also preparing for that process for us, but I find that I am just not in that place yet.  I have hope for the future, but my heart is still with Maddie.  And, honestly, the hope that I do have for the future is tempered - I can't put absolutely all of my hopes into expecting this frozen embryo transfer to work, simply because there is such a large chance that it won't work.  I don't want to be broken again if it doesn't - I want to hope cautiously and then love ferociously if it does work.

Physically - 8                          Mentally - 8.5
Emotionally - 6.5                    Spiritually - 8.5

7 weeks and 3 days - "Trying Again"

We tried so very hard to have Maddie.  I stopped taking my pills before JTD and I ever got married so that I would be ready to start trying the day we got married - and that's when we started trying for our beautiful little girl.  Because of the PCOS, I didn't ovulate and we quickly had to seek the advice of my OB.  He first had me try doing BBT, which confirmed that I wasn't ovulating.  We tried Metformin and several rounds of Clomid, to no avail.  We tried an assisted IUI (artificial insemination after trying to induce ovulation with Clomid and a shot), also to no avail.  At that point, he referred me to the fertility clinic.  We first tried a laparoscopy to do ovarian drilling and remove some of my endometriosis, since insurance covered this step - I still didn't ovulate, and my fertility doctor found that my ovaries were incredibly filled with cysts.  Finally, we moved on to IVF.  We started the process last November - I overstimulated (severe OHSS), and we froze the five best embryos (all rated perfect) so as not to put me in further danger.  On February 26, we transferred Maddie and another embryo - and, to our incredible delight and amazement, we conceived our little girl.  After so many years of trying (since Sept. of 2005), we were finally going to get our miracle baby. 

Now, we have to start over after the greatest loss of our lives.  We have to answer the question when to "try again."  We had hoped to try this month naturally before going on birth control pills to start the frozen embryo process again with the next cycle, so I've been taking my temperatures and doing ovulation predictor kits - all negative.  Now we start over and have to talk to the doctor about timing for the drugs to induce a cycle, to prepare for shots and waiting and hoping that it even works.  We're back to the beginning, but it's so much behind the beginning, because we don't have the child we should.  We're supposed to be bringing home our Maddie in November, not transferring another embryo.

My question, though, is if this is a good idea.  Do I dishonor my dear, precious miracle baby by trying again?  My head says no - I feel like she was given to us to teach us about my incompetent cervix, that she gave her life so that we might be able to give her siblings.  My heart, however - it's not healing yet.  It's still raw.  I just can't have any hope that we're going to get pregnant, since it was so hard the first time.  And, if we do, this could happen again - can I handle that?  Am I going to ever be ready to hold another baby in my arms who isn't Maddie?  I want a child so desparately - but I still want THAT child.  I want my child, my Maddie. 

I love you, Madeleine Rose.  I miss you so very, very much.