Tomorrow is my OB appointment (11w3d). I’m nervous, but since I’ve been feeling like crap pretty constantly, that makes me a little less nervous than I had been. I just keep praying that everything is okay. They’ll do a full exam tomorrow, and I’m hoping for another ultrasound (although we should at least get to hear the heartbeat, regardless). This will likely be the last appointment I have before the cerclage, which is two weeks from today.
Someone recently was telling me about someone they thought to be a horrible mother who had just had a healthy baby. They finished the story, and said, “Why Maddie? Why not them? Doesn’t it make you mad/sad that they have their baby, when you would have been such a good mom?” Of course this thought occurred to me once right after I had Maddie, and I instantly shut it down. The answer to that is, “What does it matter?” First of all, I don’t know their story, just what I hear (whether it’s secondhand, on the news, or whatever). Not my place to judge. More importantly, however – how does someone else losing their child make Maddie less gone? It’s not a bargain – their child being born healthy isn’t what caused Maddie to pass on. To flip it completely around – when I see someone new listed on LFCA, in the news, elsewhere as having lost their baby, does it make me feel better, victorious? Like maybe their loss is going to secure the baby growing inside of me and make him/her okay? Of course not. What I feel when I hear their news is horrible, tragic sadness.
I am sure it helps others, and I would never take it away from them, but the “why me?” syndrome just doesn’t personally do me any good. That’s a question that can consume you, and it doesn’t make anything any better. I can’t physically help my little girl here on Earth, but I can love her and pray for her with all of my heart. That’s what I can do - for her and for me.
Monday, January 04, 2010
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14 comments:
You are right - it doesn't make anything better to ask that question. You are very strong for being able to resist it.
Thinking of you and Maddie.
I'll be the first to admit I will have moments of "Why my baby?" They don't last long because there is nothing that can change what happens, but sometimes you just hit a moment and the thought crosses my mind. *hugs* Thinking of you.
Heather - Oh, I'm not strong. :) I ask lots of other questions that make up for it!
Jess - I totally understand - and, like I said, I would absolutely never think to sound like I don't think others should ever have that thought. It's natural - I just don't find it constructive for me (if that makes sense). HUGS!
Good luck tomorrow! I'll be thinking about you all day!!!
You're a sweetie, Cheryl! The appointment is in the afternoon - it's going to be rough to wait all day! :)
Hoping for a good appt for you tomorrow!
Just as easily as you can say 'why me?' you can also say 'why not me?'. None of us are immune to anything.
Thank you so much for the good thoughts! :)
You hit the nail on the head, Holly! I hate that it was my baby, and I will mourn her every day - but there's nobody immune to this happening just because they want the baby desperately.
Sending good vibes for tomorrow. Let me know how it goes. :)
I promise I will, Bree! Thank you so much! :)
I have a lot of "why me" moments, but I don't think about it as this happening to me versus anyone else. I guess it's more of a "why anyone" question.
I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow!
I agree completely... Someone once told me when they were pregnant that every happy ending made them feel like they would be the "statistical curse". It really hurt to hear that.
Megan - I think that's it. I don't want it to happen to me, but I sure don't want it to happen to anyone else, either.
Oh, Michele - wow, that would have made me cry. I got tears in my eyes right now. :(
Just checking in to let you know you're on my mind. I'm sending little prayers your way!
I got your message while sitting and waiting for the OB, Cheryl - it made me smile huge!
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