This past Saturday was the official start of the third trimester! It was a very happy day - I just can't believe that we got here. It's so reassuring to be at a point where the survivability rates are so high. Obviously we don't want her to come anytime soon, but it just makes me feel so good to feel like she's going to come home with us.
The following is a little bit of a rant - I'm just warning anyone who may want to not read it in advance, so that they can close out if needed. And I know not to get upset about Facebook, as it's completely ridiculous, but it's just frustrating that it's one of the ways that people can invade my life who normally wouldn't be there. I absolutely don't want to sound judgmental or at all self-righteous - just frustrated and determined.
Anyway - I decided to post a pregnancy-related Facebook status (which I try not to do all that often) celebrating the occasion. We received a lot of congratulations, but I received a message from a woman who is about three weeks further along than I am (she's one of those people who friended me even though I only ever really talked to her for a grand total of about 20 minutes in high school). She sent me a long message about how lucky I should realize I am, that she went through two years of trying to conceive (without any doctor intervention) and an early miscarriage, that I should realize what I've been given because of what she'd been through. She had sent me something similar back when she first found out that we were pregnant, making sure that I knew how hard her journey had been.
I have to admit - I thought for a fleeting second about taking the low road. I thought about responding that we'd only been able to conceive via IVF after five years of trying, that I'd had both a previous miscarriage and the most devastating loss of my entire life when our little girl was stillborn, that I was enduring a lot of physical pain currently that I welcome with open arms if it means Jota's safe. I would never, ever respond that, though - while she's a one-upper, I don't ever want to be that person. I don't want to use my grief and life for dramatic effect, I don't need to prove what we've been through to anyone - it's not for anyone else to know. Plus, who wants to win the "I've got a sadder story" award?!? And, ultimately, the problem with one-upping is that someone can always one-up you. I know of so many people, both in real life and through their stories online, who have endured so much - things that I can barely even fathom.
I don't want to think we have it tough - I think this is the happiest time of my entire life, as I have an absolutely inspiring husband, an amazing little girl in Heaven who I know is safe, and a beautiful little girl who is thriving inside of me. I obviously ache for Maddie to be here in my arms, but I also celebrate where she is, and that I know she's happier than I could ever have made her. Our infertility and loss brought us here, and "here" is full of promise and hope.
Grab My Button
My Girls
Both of my girls
Maddie's Flower
from Say It With Flowers
Maddie's Name in the Sand
21 comments:
Yay for the third trimester!!
I just have to tell you that you are such a beautiful person. Your last paragraph of this post is so lovely. I deleted a lot of FB friends and am very careful about who I accept now.
Sending lots of love to you!!!
What an amazing post. I mean, you are just an amazing woman - not many would have done what you did, being the bigger person. Your last few sentences brought tears to my eyes because that is exactly how I'm feeling in this moment.
Jill, you just made me cry - thank you so much, that's so much sweeter than I deserve. :) I am so sorry you've had to deal with the "toxic" FB friends, too. I'm sending so much love back!!
Heather - you're just so sweet, and you also made me cry! I know that you know exactly what I'm feeling - I think every baby loss mother is so torn between their desire for their baby and the knowledge that he/she is so happy... Sending hugs to you!
This was a beautiful post and it speaks to what a wonderful person you are. I love that you are in a good, hopeful place, knowing that Maddie is safe in heaven, and Jota is doing well in your womb. ((hugs))
Oh, that is so sweet. I absolutely don't deserve the sweet things you guys are saying, but I just want you to know how much they're making me cry with gratitude.
I wish I could say that I wouldn't have taken the low road ;) Some people are just like that...I throw my two cents in if I think that my experiences, such as bedrest or preemie stuff, can help someone but never to be like "oh, I've had it so much worse and let me tell you why!" I have a one upper in my life right now, too, and sometimes she's a real PITA...
:) So, happy that you're in the
3rd trimester! I only got to experience 3 weeks of it with Cooper...I missed the whole "I'm as big as a whale and can't stand up without help part..." Enjoy! Hehhhheee...I really do want you to enjoy every second on a serious note!
Jen, you hit the nail on the head - I share our story if I think it will help, too, but am with you. I just don't understand using it to one-up. I'm so sorry you have one of those, too - I guess it just saddens me, in a way. I wish they felt fulfillment some other way.
I'll give you all of the 3rd trimester updates! Right now, I'm doing the "gotta pee every hour in the middle of the night) thing - it's been just awesome! ;-) Loving every second of it, though!
Yeah for 3rd trimester!! People think they need to explain their drama to you... You are a bigger woman than me :) It takes a lot of you to say that Maddie is happier than you could make her. I wish that this was not our reality. ((hugs))
With Out My Punkin - you're so sweet. I have to admit that those few seconds' impulse to retort was pretty darn strong. :) It hurts to know that I couldn't make Maddie as happy as God makes her, but it does comfort me, you know? To know that she's happy?
I still don't understand it? Why do people need to prove they have suffered more?
Whatever. Women are crazy!
But hooray for 3rd trimester! I'm so happy for you!
Happy 3rd Tri sweetie!!! I think a belly pic is in order very soon!!! Sorry you are dealing with a "one-upper", it seems ridiculous as we all have losing a little one (s) in common, but you are dealing with it beautifully with grace and honor. Hugs to you xxx
I have goosebumps reading how great you are doing. I'm so happy!
I'm in total agreement with Heather. I probably would do something like delete the person from my friend list and stew about it forever.
And I would never, ever send something like she did. You would think someone who's been through this would realize how it is such a secret pain and you never know who else is dealing with it.
Happy 3rd trimester!!!!
You are a wayyyy better person than me. I let this kind of stuff SO get to me-I'm so proud of you for knowing that it's you you need to worry about and not her.
I just don't understand people sometimes. Think about how ridiculous it is to tell someone they are "lucky" following a tragedy that it wasn't worse.
Honestly.
You are amazing and beautiful and woohoo for 28 weeks!!!
You guys are so awesome - and make me feel so much better. I guess what just bothers me is that what she went through is awful, yes, but to just automatically assume that you have it worse than anyone else is messed up to me. I don't think that I have it tougher than her, as I don't know what she's gone through - so why would she do the same in reverse? Sorry, you guys all get it, and I love that!
I must say you are a better person than I am- I would have told her sorry ass to go feel sorry for herself elsewhere...
I actually had a friend on FB approach me after I lost my son and tell me how my pregnancy updates "hurt her feelings" after she experienced a molar pregnancy that had to be removed at 16 weeks. I told her "gee, musta been kinda how I felt during the THREE YEARS we tried to get pregnant and every status you posted for the last year and a half was either about your pregnancy or precious new baby girl".
I don't cope well with other people trying to make me feel guilty because their life sucks- I fully recognize that there are people who have it worse than me- but there are just as many who have it better, and ironically it seems to be THOSE assholes that feel the need to rub it in and one-up how awful their life is... ugh!
I say delete her!
I would send her an indepth personal email and then defriend her. You dont need that negative behavior in your life!
The third trimester!!! Wooohoo!!!
What a beautiful post. I know exactly what you mean, it's about people showing their true color. You have shown that yours are beautiful.
XOXO
Congrats on getting to the 3rd trimester! You have one touching story and I would love to feature it on my blog (which I do every Sunday). It will be inspiring to my readers and a great way to pass the time on bed-rest! Here's a link to the questions I ask: http://stressfreeinfertilityblog.com/2010/01/17/calling-all-success-stories/ Thanks in advance!!
You guys are just awesome. I've been inspired - I'm hitting delete. She's gone!
Angie, you are such a better person then me. I wouldn't do it to one up the person, but to make them realize that not everyone has life as easy as she perceives that you have it. People are just clueless sometimes. I am glad you defriended her. *hugs* I won't be posting anything about this pregnancy till at least we have our mid pregnancy ultrasound.
I'm way late in commenting but ugh! I wouldn't have been so good-hearted and totally would have said something to her. I agree on the "one-upping" contests though and try to stay far, far away from those. I think I would have said something like "You never know what the other person has been through. No one knows the whole story from a FB status." You are right though, you don't have to prove what you went through to anyone. Good for you for taking the "high road" :)
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