There are so many lullabies out there, and it's almost like they're all taunting those whose babies passed away by telling your baby to not say a word, to not cry.
Regardless of that, though, I've always related the song "Hush, Little Baby" to Maddie - for a bunch of different, personal reasons. As many know, the song has a bunch of lyrics like this:
"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass."
All of the lyrics have the mother trying to make a bad situation better for her child. (Granted, she's only doing it by buying stuff, which is illogical, but that's not germane to my point.) It sometimes hits home how much I ache to do things to make this situation better for Madeleine, something that I never can do. I would do anything, give anything to make this okay, to bring her back.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
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3 comments:
I have songs like this as well, but not necessarily nursery rhymes. I'm also very sensitive to the use of the word "angel" in any reference to my daughter. When I was pregnant I specifically requested that no one buy me anything with the word "angel" on it. My angel is already in heaven. Caitlyn is my living, breathing daughter.
There's a song from like 1995 that I heard for the first time in years shortly after I lost Nicholas, called "Lightning Crashes" by Live. I knew the song was about loss and there are references to a woman dying in childbirth, but when it first came out, even though I liked the song, I never really understood the reference to lightning till after Nicky was gone. I mean, nobody gets struck by lightning, but if you are one of the rare cases, how can you NOT spend your entire life expecting it will happen again. I REALLY relate to that. It's a song that makes me cry every single time I hear it, but I don't mind it because it's like I'm giving myself permission to take 3 minutes and feel the full weight of my grief for once, and the sometimes paralyzing fear I have that I will lose Caitlyn too.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time today, but we all need those days to feel our grief. You just never know what is going to bring it all to the surface.
Oh, Angie. Thinking of you and sending gentle hugs your way. I too would give anything to change the past and to make things have happened the way that they ~should~ have. It is a feeling that I suspect will torture me for the rest of my life - and a feeling that it seems no one other than someone who has also lost a child will ever understand. I love you, my friend.
My heart is hurting for you friend... You are an incredible mother, and I hope you know that...
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