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Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Futility
I so very, very often go over the time we got to spend with Maddie, as short as it was. When the grief and despair are at their worst (like right now), I sometimes think of the futility of singing to her, rocking her, kissing her. She was already gone, she never got to experience them. It is my firm belief she knows our love in Heaven, but those motions... those were for us. I so desperately wish I could have done something for her.
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11 comments:
I believe she can feel your love from heaven. Also twins have a special bond so you would think in some way she gets to experience the rocking, singing, and kissing through your sweet little Alice. Hugs <3
Maddie definitely knows you love her *hugs* I think its common to wish that you could have done things for Maddie that you can do with Alice. I feel the same way about Jonathan and Joshua. I have been feeling alot of that lately.
Ricci! <3 You are so sweet - I pray that is true, and I truly believe it is.
Jess - it's definitely hard. I know you know too well how much we just want both of them in our arms.
They were for both of you... I believe her spirit lingered, to make sure you were okay, and she saw and felt that love.
This past Sunday was the 2 year mark since we lost our Nicholas, so I feel you on this. Before we had Caitlyn, it was obvious what we had missed with Nicholas, but now that she is here, with each new milestone, it can break my heart a little to think of those tiny, specific, day-to-day things that I never got to have with him. She has an amazing, radiant smile and I think all the time of how much I would have loved to see him smile just once. Her eyes too...I never got to see his eyes. Whenever we have something new to celebrate with Caitlyn, it's a new thing to grieve with Nicholas. It's very strange because you don't want to be sad about the things your living child is doing, and I think part of it is the realization that she isn't going to be a baby forever and in my mind, he always will be. It makes me sad because I feel like my baby is becoming more independent and, in a way, I become less important in her life. In reality, in my logical mind, I know how important I am, but it's hard to rationalize the feeling of LOSING YOUR BABY, when you've already LOST A BABY.
She would definitely have felt your touch, your motion and your love... and is with you always xoxo
You did do something for her. You loved her. And that really is enough.
Oh, Angie. I have this exact same thought! While Q.uinn was born alive and felt my touch and heard my voice and the like, I am haunted by everything that I didn't think to do or that I wanted to do and didn't get the chance - and I fear that I always will be. When does it get easier?
I agree that things like that are mostly for the parents. But I know it made me feel good to rock her and sing to her and talk to her. To snuggle her in a blanket b/c I thought she might get cold.
I wish you could have had more time with her friend. I wish you could have had all the time in the world with her. But the time you DID have was not futile. Not at all... And she knows your love.
You did more for her than you will ever know or realize . . .and I truly believe she heard you, she felt you, and she knew your love. I believe it is possible for those who have passed to the next world to be present in our world too. ♥
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