I’ve always thought superstitions are largely silly. For the most part, I still do. JTD got a job at the hospital where Maddie was born, and I never thought twice about it. I wouldn’t hesitate to move houses or jobs just because they were what I was doing when Maddie was born – those things aren’t associated with her, they were just coincidences.
However… I do find myself avoiding certain stupid, inane things that I did in the hours and days preceding her birth. The weekend before she was born was the 4th of July, and so we’d gone shopping for her crib and nursery furniture. It was to be delivered the next week (which it still was, and is in the nursery still). We had been using that room for storage, so we had to get a bunch of junk out of there. My grandpa and dad came over on the day before I went into labor and helped JTD move stuff, and I lifted a few pillows and things. After we were all done, we went to a local place and got sodas. I can’t even drive by there now without having a fit of sadness.
On the day I went into labor (the 6th), I thought I just had the flu until the contractions really started coming. I had a fever, vomiting, and back pain, but didn’t know what it was. I stayed home from work, and was lying on the couch watching whatever was on TV. There were a couple of old sitcoms that were on when I started having contractions, and I won’t let anyone in our house even flip to them if I see them on.
While Alice and I frequently go to the hospital to visit Daddy, and the entire OB ward has been redone, I can’t even look in the room where she was born. This one makes a little more sense than the others, but it’s still just an irrational block in my brain.
I wonder if everyone has these weird things that they avoid and fear? I’m guessing that they’ll be there for forever – but in a way, it almost seems like they’re healthy. They’re fixed things upon which I can pin my fears and emotions.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
I think there are many people that can relate and feel the same way that you do. I have certain things I will avoid too or things that will instantly make me think of them.
When I was in the hospital with Liam we walked the halls, and I had to walk by the room where I delivered Madelyn. I don't know why, but I felt a pull to do so. But yeah, I have a lot of those associations. I still can't listen to certain songs that meant something to me during my pregnancy with her.
I'm with you too... I have lots of associations that bring me to tears in an instant xo
I honestly think this is just so incredibly normal friend... I know I would be the same exact way. Even now, there are so many things I associate to those failed cycles that I just want nothing to do with... So I hear you friend. And I think you're amazing!
You are most definitely not alone on this, my friend. Everything happened so fast with Q.uinn that I don't find myself superstitious or bothered by much that I associate with "Before", but there are lots of things that I associate with "After" that I tend to avoid now . . . songs, places, even intersections - in particular the one I sat at in the middle of the night waiting for the light to turn while I was in the middle of another contraction . . . going through it now almost gives me a little panic attack. I feel very blessed that B.riar came as fast as she did because it didn't give me a chance to associate much of her birth with Q.uinn's, even though they were both born at the same hospital.
I also have a song that I associate with my baby November, I cry when I hear it. I couldn't listen to it when I was pregnant with W even though it is a great pregnancy song.
The biggest thing, though, is the day. I thought that day would be the worst day of the year for the rest of my life. Then W was born on that day and it became something completely new.
There are definitely things that remind me of Jonathan that I will either avoid or do on purpose if I want to think of him.
I absolutely have some things that I'll always associate with Nicholas that would seem random to anyone else. Skittles, for example.
I worked in a retail store and for Halloween they sent us a case of fun size packs of Skittles and a case of M&Ms to distribute to kids. Well we had tons of them and they lasted for months after that. I was always nauseous during that pregnancy if I wasn't eating. I'm definitely more of an M&Ms person, but my baby boy always wanted the Skittles! I ate at least one bag of Skittles every day for like 3 months straight.
There are also certain songs that came out around that time that make me sad every time I hear them.
Also frogs. I wanted to do the nursery in a frog theme and told my mom that's what I wanted for my baby shower too, so anytime I see any baby stuff with frogs it makes me so sad.
I worked in a mall and one of the only things I could eat that didn't make me sick was pizza. So every day I'd go to the same pizza place and after I'd finish eating, my Nicholas would wake up and kick me and I'd just sit there for the rest of my lunch break enjoying those kicks so much. I haven't eaten there since because it just makes me so sad.
As far as the hospital goes, I actually felt very lucky that I had originally planned a D&E (I ended up going into labor and Nicholas fell out of me onto the operating room floor moments before I was supposed to have my surgery- it was hard to have it happen that way, but I'm grateful because I would have regretted it so much if I never had a chance to see him). I was never in the maternity ward. I was in same day surgery. On the one hand it was sad, because I feel I might have been given more keepsakes on the maternity floor, but when it came time to have my daughter, I felt so relieved that it wouldn't be in the same place where I had to say goodbye to her brother. I don't think I would have been able to handle that. But actually, the SDS was in an annex building next to the hospital where my new OB's office is located. You had to take one set of elevators downstairs from the parking garage to the lobby and another set back up to the 9th floor where my doctor's office was located. You could only switch elevators in the lobby or on the 3rd floor. I always chose to go all the way down to the lobby because the 3rd floor is where SDS is located and I just couldn't walk past there. Ever.
I've been thinking about Nicholas all the time lately... we are coming up on 2 years since we lost him. I hate that I don't know what to call that day. It feels so odd to call it his birthday (I still think of that as the day he was SUPPOSED to be born) but I don't really care for the terms "angel day" or "angelversary" like a lot of people call it... what do you call Maddie's day?
I too have been to the hospital, and I can't look at the room I had Bethany in...the thought sends shivers throughout my body.... I think it has to do with that fear we all have after the lost of a baby, it is so hard to get past. I SO understand!
Makes sense to me. It's hard for me to avoid anything with the diagnosis and birth since I work in the same hospital it all happened and work with the people who were there when it happened.
I threw away the underwear I wore the last day I was pregnant and went into labor with my twins. I was a sad reminder for me that needed to go.
Post a Comment