Sometimes I feel like I am walking around in circles with my grief. Shoot, I think I have even named a post this before.
Maddie's birthday is in a couple of weeks. It hurts so much to know it has been a whole additional year since I last got to hold her, to kiss her. I so desperately want to hold both of my girls. That sounds like such a simple statement, almost hollow in its simplicity... But I don't know how to say it in a way that imparts the desperation with which I feel it. I want the hands of a two-year-old, not an urn. I want to be thanking God as I watch her enjoy life, not for taking care of her. I want to have her and Alice play, not just to have to pray about her with her.
Always it is longer and longer since we last saw her. Alice's first birthday is also coming up two weeks after that - it is so hard being so torn in my emotions for two very different babies.
Grab My Button
Followers
My Girls
Both of my girls
An Amazing List of Blogs
Maddie's Angel and Flowers
From JenJen
Maddie's Cupcake
from Calvin's Cupcakes
Maddie's Flower
from Say It With Flowers
Maddie's Name in the Sand
Maddie's Butterfly
Thanks, Bree!
7 comments:
I get it, my friend. I was just thinking today of how I hadn't made a blog post about Madelyn in so long, but I feel there is nothing left to say. But at the same time, I still feel everything I have always felt.
Thinking of you and both of your girls always!
I've noticed this myself too. Like I always imagine what it would be like if they were together. Every milestone Caitlyn hits is one Nicholas won't ever get to have. I find myself imagining what he would look like at this age, I think about what kind of relationship they would have had. Caitlyn has started this thing where she opens drawers and pulls everything out. The other night she opened her wardrobe and pulled out one of the memory boxes filled with Nicholas' things and I just lost it. It was so tangible just then- to imagine that they could exist together in my life. I always pictured them together before, but it was always in a way where I wished it could have been like that. I always remembered that, had we not lost Nicholas, Caitlyn probably wouldn't have come along for several more years. But just in that one moment, it was real. Caitlyn and Nicholas existed for a brief moment in this life, together. I hate that I'll never get to see that.
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time now, but you aren't ever alone. I'm right there with you.
It is just plain hard not having all our children in our arms. Birthdays without them here brings so many emotions. HUGS!
((hugs))
Oh Angie... I so wish I could say something that would make this easier. :( Thinking of you lady...
I wish I had words to make you feel better or say it gets better, but i too went in circles for so long. I would take three steps forward and two steps back. It felt like a never ending roller coaster for SO long...Two years later I still have days where I feel like my heart might explode I miss her so much. Praying for you today!
Circles is right. And you statement may be simple but it holds a lot of truth for so many of us
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