Warning: Today is one of those posts where I let my frustration get the better of me. I try not to usually do so, so feel free to skip over this blog.
If I’m really honest with myself, I think maybe one of the reasons I’m so hesitant to tell my family about this pregnancy is because I feel like they’ll forget Maddie, or think that this baby replaces her. Based off of their actions lately, I kind of feel like they already have largely forgotten.
Obviously yesterday was Maddie’s 6-month birthday. I don’t expect most people to remember this; if Maddie were here with us, I wouldn’t expect any friends or coworkers to remember this day. I know that my family would have made a big deal of it, though. However, yesterday came and went without any one of them remembering, without them mentioning anything. Christmas was the same way – none of my family honored her memory.
I guess that, when it comes down to it, I know why. And I’m not really much different, or at least wasn’t in the past. We’re all cowards. This isn’t specific to my family – until/unless you have a tragedy, most people tend to be afraid of discomfort. We tend to try to make ourselves feel better for not asking someone how they are or remembering something with them because we assume we’re saving them from thinking about something hard (as if they’re not thinking of it constantly). In a way, it’s funny – we’re trying to spare them from remembering the very thing that they can never forget. I guess I’ve learned a lot about myself from Maddie (one of her many gifts to me), and I’ve tried to become better about this. I want to remember those who are important in others’ lives with them, and to honor their memory – as I like when people do for Maddie. I can’t expect anyone who hasn’t lost a child to have any concept of what it’s like, but I do feel like my family should be better about honoring her. I just feel so blessed that there are people here, and others in my life, who do honor her with me - both silently and through words/prayers.
Friday, January 08, 2010
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17 comments:
You are right - people are afraid. I was one of them too, until I lost my Madelyn. Great post, and I don't find it discouraging at all - quite the opposite. You always have such a great outlook.
You are so kind, Heather - and you know exactly what I mean. "Cowards" may have been a little harsh, but it's kind of true.
I feel like if it weren't for my blogger friends (and my dh), I'd never hear Ella's name. I think I've been pretty good about telling our families that I want to talk about her, hear her name, ect... But, it hasn't helped. I'm so sorry. Always remembering Maddie with you!
Bree - I'm so sorry that you're experiencing it, too. I'm so glad that you're assertive about your needs, but it's just too bad that they really aren't listening. I'm here if you ever need to talk! :)
I don't know that anyone in my family has said cadynce's name since the week after we lost (i hate that word like i misplaced heror something) her. No one acknowledges any dates that are important to me, but I try to accept that with as much grace as I can, because as you said we don't know how to respond or what to say in these situations until you have been there yourself. My grandmother lost her son when he was 24 so she is the only one who knows and has been the most understanding and supportive to me. I don't blame you for being afraid to tell them for fear that they will forget for good your precious Maddie. And even if they never say anything about her those closest to you do remember but dont want to hurt you by bringing her up, not knowing that by not mentioning her they are hurting you worse.
~~hugs~~
I hate that others have the same experiences that I'm having. I wish it were never even a question. You're so sweet and have such a wonderful outlook - I aspire to that!
I lost my baby so much earlier than most of you, but I understand why no one will talk about him. I won't even talk about him because I'm afraid of making other people remember. So of course no one talks to me about it, I guess.
I probably won't change this. No one wants to hear me talk about being sad when I should be so happy for this little one. That's why I'm so thankful for blog friends!
P.S. Did you see that Mel linked to you on her blog roundup? You've hit the big time!
I hate that you're experiencing this, but I think those of us who have lost our babies have all experienced it. I think people are just terrified of saying the wrong thing and causing any additional pain.
You learn a lot about grief on this road. I know I've learned what is and isn't helpful to someone who is grieving.
Cheryl - I can totally understand that. I honestly don't usually bring Maddie up a lot in conversation, either, because I can tell people are uncomfortable. Hey, I'm famous! ;)
Megan - yep, I think too many people experience it. I'd hoped that maybe this was an anomoly with my family. :(
Holly - you are so very, very right. It's a very hard growing experience, but a growing experience nonetheless.
Angie, I think we all need to be honest with ourselves from time to time and if this is the place you feel you can do it, I think its great. I find my blog is the one place I can be completely honest. Leave all my cards out on the table.
I have had people say to me they are afraid to mention Jonathan for fear they will make me sad. Honestly it sounds like you feel the same as me...you want to hear Maddie's name. You want to talk about her. I think we all feel this way. We are just as proud of our babies as any living child we could ever have.
*hugs* Angie...thinking of you and Maddie.
You're so sweet, Jess - I think that we are very much in the same place. I don't want to make others uncomfortable by mentioning Maddie, but it makes me feel good when others remember her. They certainly aren't going to remind me of her in a bad way - I think about her all of the time.
People are cowards. I've noticed this a lot lately in my own struggle with endometriosis and ever depleting fertility options. I need to talk about it (write about it/blog about it... you get the point) because that's how I cope (and often, I also cope in trying to find the humor in the macabre that is life). I get irritated when my friends gloss over the subject in an attempt to spare my feelings, but I understand that they are only trying to keep the mood up (and sometimes, admittedly, my idea of "up" is a little dark). The point is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that sometimes it feels like no one feels your loss to the same depths as you do, and like they could trivialize what that loss means simply because of the new little one growing inside you. We all have a stories and journeys, and maybe we should all try a little harder to see into each other’s worlds and hearts. Thank you for this.
Thank you so much for those insightful words - that both enlighten on others' behavior, and are so rich in sympathy. :)
I'm sorry. Most of our family dont remember or, if they do, they dont vocalize, our children that died. It hurts.
I am forever irritated with nearly everyone in my 'real' life for doing nothing to acknowledge Quinn - both on the important dates and in the day-to-day, and my husband is forever defending them all, claiming that they are uncomfortable saying anything and that they are afraid to say the wrong thing. I have found that I can't win . . . while I am angry when nothing is said, I am often angrier when something is said, because it usually comes off as callous or unsympathetic (when it is really just that they didn't know what to say or how to say it.) Yet another reason to be thankful for blogging and being able to connect with people who actually GET IT.
And I have slowly started to resign myself to the knowledge that as more time passes, I will be the only one who remembers just exactly how many days, months, and years it has been. And that makes me incredibly sad.
Michele - you're so right. I think it's just the silence that hurts.
Fishsticks & Fireflies - you hit the nail on the head. I think that, more and more, it's just me who is going to be the one remembering these things. I remind my husband, and he remembers, but I think he doesn't like talking about it.
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