Our Birth Story

I guess I've neglected posting Alice's birth story, so I probably can do it today, on her two-month birthday.  By the way - 2-mo vaccines suck, I cried almost as much as she did.  But baby girl was 11 lb 3 oz (60th percentile), 22.5 inches long (60th percentile), and head circumference was 16.5 inches (95th percentile - atta girl).

On the morning of July 20, 2010, we got up around 3:30 a.m. and to the hospital by about 4:45 a.m.  I was the first and only C-section of the day, scheduled for 7:30.  We got there and they started prepping me - the nurse who checked me in was the nurse who helped deliver Maddie.  We got me changed, the catheter placed (we had some problems with that throughout the entire time it was in place), and they shaved me (I wasn't super-pleased that they hadn't told me this needed to be done ahead of time, as I would have done it myself).  I was in the OR by 7:20.

I had to go in the OR by myself to receive the spinal - JTD had Maddie in his scrubs' pocket, and could watch through the window.  I had just had one for my cerclage, so I wasn't nervous - but I started shaking at the thought that our little girl would be arriving within moments.  JTD and my fantastic OB came in, as well as his nurse and two other nurses (one of whom was also my nurse with Maddie - this was a recurring theme throughout the stay).  They put me on the table that was shaped like a cross - I had the IV on one arm, and the one nearest JTD was free.  They started the anesthesia - JTD, who works in IT in the hospital, had to help the anesthesiologist with his computer while we were waiting.  My OB, who has a wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor, started talking about a documentary he'd seen recently about corn.  (This didn't take me much by surprised, my anesthesiologist during my cerclage talked about venison.)  Since I knew that I'd start freaking out if I didn't participate, I talked with him.  I looked over at JTD from time to time... he didn't seem to be doing well.  He admitted later that he was about ready to pass out, and had no clue how I was nonchalantly discussing corn.  We each had our ways of preparing for the arrival!

The doctor asked if I was ready, and JTD saw them pulling her out of me.  Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, so she was very purple - they got that off of her, and gave her a couple of seconds, and then she started crying and pinking up.  I wasn't supposed to touch her, but I got a quick little feel in before she and JTD went to the nursery. 

They went about sewing me up - at one point I asked if they could see more endometriosis.  He said he could only see a tiny bit, but then looked at the underside of my ovaries and said that there was something there.  I explained that my RE had done ovarian drilling, so that was what that was.  They got me into recovery, and I waited for Alice and JTD to arrive.  He rolled her in, and my heart melted to see the two of them.  We got to nurse right away, but her temp went a little low, so they had to take her back to the NICU to put her under warmers.  The nurse who cared for us post-op was the nurse who cried with me when she had to take Maddie from me for the last time - this same nurse (along with another who treated us that time, as well as a third) fought several times over the course of my stay to care for us.  They all remembered our girl, and were so happy for our new arrival.

My C-section recovery really wasn't bad at all.  Considering she arrived with a 15-inch head, I think I likely would have gone to a C-section even without the cerclage in place.  Not much pain except when I overdid it!  Maybe it was just helped by seeing my beautiful little girl.

Going back to work

Tomorrow is Alice's 8-week birthday.  Unfortunately, that also means that it's the day I return to work.  I have spent all day crying and panicking, rotating between trying to think how I can stay at home (I just can't), and how I can get more time with her.

We really have an amazing situation - my husband works from 2 - 10 p.m. on Monday-Thursday (Friday off, then he works 6 - 2 on Saturdays), and I used to work 8 - 5.  I adjusted my hours to 7 - 4, so we only have to have day care from 1:30 - 4:30 - JTD will take care of her in the mornings before he works, and then I will later.  One of my very best friends will be watching her, and that's a blessing.  I just can't get over the fact that it's not me, though.  I am the only one who knows every single thing about her, who knows her sounds and looks.  I just keep thinking about Maddie, and how I would have done anything to protect her, and how I couldn't - I want to do better for Alice.  It makes me realize how very broken I still am, how there are still times when I want to crawl into bed and cry for hours for my daughter who's gone, and for the things from which I won't be able to protect my second daughter.

I don't want to go back at all - anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

My girls

It is my wish that my daughters be as close as possible, despite the circumstances.  JTD carried Maddie's urn in his pocket during my C-section, and she stayed at the hospital with us the whole time.  It warms my heart to see Alice look up to where Maddie sits when she sits in her Boppy. 

My girls

I just have to add one more cute picture:

She sure does...

Milestones

Tiny milestones!

201 - Number of blog posts
5 - Number of years JTD and I will have been married on Friday
6 weeks 2 days - Number of days old my baby girl is
Millions - Number of smiles she's given me today (she's SO happy!)
9 lbs. 14 oz. - Size Alice was yesterday when weighed.

Let's see... what else.

- I've been researching Attachment Parenting a ton.  It is a philosophy to which I naturally subscribe, so it works great - I also have a couple of friends who are subscribers, so it's been great to get insight.  I could never let my poor baby "cry it out" - I think my heart would break.  :(  I understand those who do, I just can't.

- I went to a Breastfeeding Fair at the hospital where JTD works yesterday.  I will try and get a picture of Alice in her "I Love Breastmilk" onesie they gave out sometime soon and post it.

- I have ordered a Beco Butterfly 2 carrier, and can't wait for it to get here.  I have a Hotsling, but it just doesn't work the greatest.  I have technical difficulties with the Moby wrap a friend loaned me, apparently, as well.

- Try and resist this face.  I dare you.  (Poor quality of picture from the camera phone, but she's still relentlessly adorable.)

Is it wrong that I compare other babies to her, and just think she is the loveliest thing on Earth?

Random Mommy Observations

- I didn't know that little girls could pee in a direction, and I am convinced that "pooping for distance" is a sport at which she would excel. That reminds me, I need to get the bedroom curtains dry-cleaned.


- Sometimes, particularly in the middle of the night, I become convinced that the breast pump is talking to me. The fast cycle before letdown usually says "Krabby Patty," while the slower cycle mixes it up. "Rat meat" gets said a lot, as does "manatee." Today it was being racist, so I am too ashamed to share it.

- I secretly love that she wants me more than anyone else. Not even so secret - I just love it.

- I am ferociously protective of A. I require full hand sanitization before anyone touches her, and refuse to let some people near her at all (particularly a guy at work).  I am really nervous to take her to daycare, because I don't want other kids touching her. 

- I love her so much, but was unprepared for how much more I miss Maddie even than before.  I knew this wouldn't make Maddie passing away okay, but I am grateful to a friend for warning me that this would be incredibly hard.

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the support on my last post about breastfeeding!

After I posted, we went to the lactation consultant.  Basically, I got a ton of milk in initially (which was great) - so much that Alice never really needed to suckle at the sinuses to get some, so they started shutting down to slow down production.  When she needed to start doing that, my sinuses are too deep for her - she has a high palate and a short tongue, which makes nursing tough for her until her mouth grows (it's also why we have horrible latch problems sometimes).  So, right now we're continuing with pumping and trying to nurse when possible.  I've been able to almost entirely cover her feeding with expressed milk, only using the formula about once or twice a day to supplement an extra ounce or so.  I'm doing the Reg.lan again, pumping super-often, and we're trying to get her nursing whenever possible.  At the advice of a friend, I ordered some Fenu.greek, and will be trying that to also boost supply.  I want to be able to get back to nursing whenever possible, and pumping to evacuate the supply, but we'll see how it goes.

My little girl is just amazing.  She's so sweet and cute.  She doesn't have a great schedule yet (wants to eat every 2 hours), but we're working on it.  I can't begrudge this little face.

On the Horns of a Dilemma

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated.  I've been trying to spend every minute I can with Alice.

Right now I'm on the horns of a dilemma.  For two weeks, nursing was going amazing.  She was gaining weight like a champ, I had plenty of milk, etc.  Unfortunately, nobody had told me that I needed to pump out whatever she wasn't eating... so, I developed a horrible case of mastitis last weekend.  Chills, fever of 102, aches, redness, swelling, etc.  I had to make several trips to Urgent Care, but saw my OB on Monday - he put me on a new drug, and also on something to try and increase my milk production.  This is necessary because Alice went from 8 lbs on Friday (before mastitis set in) to 7 lbs 12.5 oz on Monday (after it was in swing).  Her pediatrician started us supplementing with formula.

The Reg.lan alone isn't working to increase production, so we're doing the Lactation Consultant Services thing at the hospital.  She has me feeding Alice on the non-affected breast every two to three hours.  Then, I need to pump the right breast (at least through tomorrow).  Then, I have to supplement her with either formula or expressed milk.  On a schedule of every two to three hours, this process takes up at least an hour (especially when you throw in cleaning pump parts and bottles, etc.). 

I so want to breastfeed.  I want to go back to how I was last week when I had plenty of milk, and could just nurse my baby and go.  I want to have that closeness with her looking in my eyes, and me singing to her as she eats.  Right now, it doesn't feel like the process we're doing is working, and I'm not a very patient person.  I am just at a loss as to what to do - I want to give my baby the best, but I am working on absolutely no sleep, and am just frazzled.  I don't want to go to formula, but what is the best solution?  Do I just keep doing this short-term, and try and figure it out?

That was horrible - I hope it doesn't sound at all like I'm not 100% grateful for her.  I just want to do the best for this little miracle - I love to hold her and spend time with her, and this all is cutting into that.  (And I only have four more weeks of maternity leave left.)  I just want to do what is best for this little girl who is so wanted and loved, and to be able to give her as much of my attention and affection as I can.  Any advice from anyone would be awesome.

Forever

I can see forever in these eyes.

Worrying Constantly

As JTD put it recently, we were so focused on getting through a very high-risk pregnancy day by day that the enormity of having a child didn't fully hit us at first!  It's amazing how all of that worry I've had every moment for the past nine months transfers immediately to this little bundle of perfection.

There were a couple of worries in the hospital - one smaller, and one pretty big.  When she was born, her cord had been wrapped around her neck once.  It turned out she was fine, but it was obviously a concern.  The much bigger concern came later in the week - we were scheduled to leave the hospital Friday during the day.  Thursday night around 11, Alice nursed really well - since she'd been nearing dropping 10% of her birth weight, this was good.  Since JTD wasn't able to stay at the hospital with me and I was post C-section, they took her back to the nursery (even though we wanted to room-in).  They brought her back around 1:15 or so, and we started nursing - she only ate about 3 minutes, and then fell asleep.  They said not to worry, and brought her back around 3:30 - only ate about 5 minutes, then fell asleep.  Same thing at 6 a.m.  I was freaking out by this time - they weighed her, and she'd officially dropped more than 10% of her birth weight.  They offered to try supplementing her with formula - I didn't want to, but was willing to do whatever to get her to eat.  Unfortunately, she would have none of the formula, and started sleeping so deep that we could barely rouse her.  I sat and cried, begging God not to let this baby die.  The pediatrician came in the morning, and discussed maybe keeping her an extra night.  Luckily, we got a GREAT feed in that afternoon, and were allowed to come home, where our biggest nursing problem since has just been that she's very picky about latch.

My newest concern is her umbilical cord - there's a tiny amount of blood around the cord at times that looks like it's just from getting bumped.  Excessive Googling tells me that this happens sometimes (which is also what the pediatrician's office said last Friday), but I just want her to be okay.  I fear that I'm going to be too overprotective of her, but just want to spend every moment making sure she's okay.

As proof that my little girl is perfect, here's some video of her from this morning:

9 days old

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to comment on a ton of blogs lately, but I am thinking of and reading about everyone.  (It's just hard to type when you can't bring yourself to put down your little angel!)

Not a ton new going on, just trying to get some sleep here and there, and enjoying every second of Alice.  Here are some more photos:

Our miracle

Alice Katherine D is here!  :)  Born 7/20/10 at 7:47 a.m., she was 7 lbs. 10 oz., 19 inches long, and had a 15-inch head!  She somehow had a full head of dark hair, even though JTD and I both had blonde hair!

Our little girl came complete with such features as a full head of dark hair, my nose, her daddy's chin and cheeks, and lovely long fingers!

I apologize for not updating sooner - still in the hospital through tomorrow, and my phone won't update Blogger!

38 weeks 4 days - Variosity

I'm pretty sure I just made up the word "variosity."  Anyway.

Lots of little stuff over the last few days.  First was last week, my husband (who does IT at the hospital where we will be having the baby) was helping one of the department heads of the L&D department helping her.  She was thanking him for his help, and telling him that she owed him one.  He joked that she could hook his wife up with a good room, and she responded, "I can do that - who is she?"  JTD explained that he was just joking, but she insisted - so, she put it on my admission paperwork that I get the best room in the place (which is already filled with good rooms, since they just redid the whole floor last fall).  Hooray for getting the pimped-out room!

I've been having contractions a lot more regularly at times - they're not always painful, and they'll sometimes slow down, so I have been pretty sure that they aren't serious.  I called my OB's office yesterday just to be sure and to establish when I SHOULD come in - they had me come in right away to put me on a monitor.  So, we did that, and he found that he's about 99.98% sure that I won't go into hard labor before our scheduled C-section - so it looks like she's in there for the long haul!

I've got a lot of blog friends who got colds just mere days before they had their babies... and it looks like I'm keeping the tradition alive.  I managed to avoid colds and all for about 8.75 months (I guess I got a slight cold when I was 8 weeks or so), but I am just in the beginning stages of a cold today.  Fantastic timing.  I can handle a cold, but I do NOT want baby girl getting sick first thing out of the womb.

Despite all of the IC and cerclage-related stuff that's gone on throughout the pregnancy, there are some symptoms I've been able to avoid.  Didn't really get any stretch marks at all, and didn't retain much water.  However, I've got a very few stretch marks that are actually a little deep that just showed up this week - they're on the side of my belly where she's been since about 28 weeks, so that makes sense.  My fingers and feet have been puffy the last few days, too - it probably has something to do with the fact that our little area here had the highest temps in the country today - 115 heat index, due to horrible humidity.  It was nice to not have to go outside today.

Just counting down the days until Tuesday!  It's funny how time is crawling this week!

38 weeks 2 days

Let's do some quick math...

1 frozen embryo transfer
+ 13 weeks of daily intramuscular PIO shots and estrogen patches
+ 1 Shirodkar cerclage
+ 20 weekly P17 shots
+ 25 weeks (and counting) of bedrest (since 13.5 weeks)
+ 20 weeks (and counting) of contractions (since 18 weeks)
+ a billion prayers
+ more good wishes and love than I can count
---------------------------------------
38 weeks and 2 days of pregnancy!

Nobody really needs to see my naked belly, but I figure I might as well.  The yoga pants kind of cut off the bottom of the belly, but this is where we're at.  My doctor said at my appointment last week that I was measuring 36 weeks, but that I was fine as I'd been progressing - he said we'd likely just have a 6-lb baby instead of a 9-lb baby.

July 20 is quickly, quickly approaching.  I am so very, very excited to hold our little girl in my arms, but I am not having that "get her out now" syndrome - I just never have.  It's incredibly painful, and the contractions are so strong - but I just love feeling her moving around, and I want her to bake and get as strong as possible before she's born.  I also know that I just cherish every second of being pregnant with her.  I will miss feeling her moving, and being able to know every second how she's doing - I have to give up some of this control (as if I've ever had any) when she's born, and will have to trust others.  It's so hard for us to get pregnant, and we only have two embryos left, so there's also the chance that this is the last time I'll ever be pregnant - I just want to enjoy every second of it.  I will happily live with all of the cramps and things if it means that Baby A/Jota is safe and sound.  I just wish Maddie were here, as well.

Happy 1st Birthday, Madeleine Rose

I'm not going to post much in-depth about Maddie's birthday, mostly just because it was incredibly quiet and private, but I thought that this was beautiful in its own way, and wanted to remember it.

JTD unfortunately had to work today from 10 a.m. - 10 p.m. (he has a huge project that is going in place this weekend).  Since he won't be home until well after dark, I picked up several balloons and took them in for us to release together at the hospital (which is where he works, and also where we were one year ago today).

We let go of the balloons, and most of them rose together and started off on their flight as expected, in a path going directly east with the wind.  One of the balloons, however, was very, very slow to rise.  It stayed near us for a while, and finally started rising - but it went north (where we could see it much better).  Rather than going the same direction as the others, it made its own way where we could see it.  As the balloons rose, it started to sprinkle (it rained a year ago today, too) - and the one balloon kept going north.  It got several blocks north, and then circled back a little bit with the wind before finally heading east.  It slowly made its way out of sight, probably 5 minutes after the others had disappeared. 

I'm not even sure what all of that means, but it reminded me so much of how Maddie was such a fighter.  She was the embryo that stuck through the FET, she grew and blossomed, and she didn't want to come out when my body went into labor.  She kicked up until almost the end (I remember her last kick, as if she was saying goodbye), and they had to do several rounds of Pitocin (she was delivered feet-first).  Much like that balloon, she stayed with us for as long as she could.  I am so grateful for every second that we had with her, and that we continue to have with her.

"One year ago today I was..."

One year ago today, I was in labor with Maddie.  I can't stop thinking about it, I can recall what we were doing each and every minute of the day.  She was born at 12:08 a.m. on July 7, 2009 - but I know precisely what we were doing every minute before and after.

I didn't really prepare for this being so hard - I know I've got a ton more hormones surging through my body right now, but I didn't expect it to be so fresh and raw.

Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your thoughts and love - I probably won't be able to say much tomorrow, but please know that I am so grateful for the outpouring of support.  Knowing that so many others love our little girl just means so much more than I can say.

"Lucky"

I find myself so often thinking how "lucky" I am to be so near having Baby A in my arms - and then I remember that I absolutely hate the word "lucky."  I don't believe in luck, I believe in God.  I absolutely respect everyone else's feelings and beliefs, and certainly don't judge anyone who believes otherwise - but I don't believe that random chance is keeping my baby safe.  I believe that I am blessed beyond measure and words, and am just so grateful.  This pregnancy has been harder than I ever imagined physically and emotionally in many ways, but I refuse to complain (to anyone other than my husband) - I am so truly blessed to have every minute, and am so grateful.

Today was our 36w5d (36w6d by the OB's count) appointment.  It went well.  I gained 2 lbs, which brings my grand total up to 16 lbs.  My OB said he'd still really like to see me gain some weight (since I'm naturally a pretty small person), so I "shouldn't put down the Twin.kies."  Ideal weight gain range for me would have been 25 - 35 lbs, anywhere between 15 and 50 is "normal" - but since I'm barely in that range, he would really like to see me gain some more weight. 

I'm dilated to about 1.75 cm right now.  Didn't get a report on effacement, but that's okay because I'm still a little sketchy on what it means.  I was about 60% effaced two weeks ago, so I'm assuming the answer is "more."  We got our C-section officially on the books, though (assuming no early arrivals) - July 20 at 7:30 a.m. CDT.  We get to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. - since my husband works at the very same hospital the night before until 10 p.m., I'm feeling a little bad for him!

Little updates

There's not a whole ton new to post - the latest she can possibly be born is three weeks from today, so that's reassuring.

It felt like she was trying to make a jailbreak on Sunday night, however.  I'd gone to work for about 2.5 hours on Friday (I begged my OB to let me go, and he let me do it on a trial basis).  The weekend afterwards was pretty rough, but I started having some pretty strong contractions on Sunday evening.  (I've been having contractions of some nature since 18 weeks, but these are way stronger.)  They were going every 11 minutes, then went down to every 8.  At that point we started debating heading into L&D... and then they slowed to a near-stop.  While it was great news, I am curious about what it means for the next few weeks!  Our next OB appointment is this coming Thursday.  I'm curious to see how dilated I am at that appointment.

Maddie's birthday will be next Wednesday, July 7.  It's so hard to believe it's been almost an entire year since I got to hold that perfect little girl in my arms.  Unfortunately, my husband has to work extra hours that day (I was able to take the day off) - I am going to see if I can get out of the house and get some balloons for a release after he gets home at 10pm, or something like that.  I love all of the parties that so many BLMs have, but I feel like this needs to be a very private thing for JTD and I. 

36 weeks!

How far along?  36 weeks today by my count, 36w1d by my OB's.  If she were born now, I don't even really count that as a preemie!

Total weight gain/loss:  14 lbs. total (they're still less-than-pleased, but I'm trying as hard as I can!)

Maternity clothes?  I wear maternity yoga pants and a big shirt whenever I'm around the house.  I wear maternity clothes about 90% of the time when I'm out of the house, but do have a few shirts I can wear.

Labor signs:  Of the ones I can notice, it's the same stuff it's been since about 18 weeks - contractions and cramping.  Am quite a bit effaced, and am dilated over a cm (didn't get a check this week).

Sleep:  Start-and-stop.  Mostly so that I can get up and go to the bathroom.
Best moment this week:  I know it sounds corny, but my best moments are just lying in bed cuddling with my husband and the baby belly.  We also have admitted to each other that we're a little terrified that we're going to be responsible for another human life here shortly - we are SO excited, but it's also really scary! 

Worst moment this week:  I probably have to go with the Group B strep test.  I've also been having some pretty sharp pains, but I want to keep her in there.

Movement:  All of the time, and I love it!  Our kick counts are insane - they average between only taking about 45 seconds to 5 minutes.  Then she just keeps right on going.  :)  She is stretching more often than kicking now - and the stretching involves her head in my hip bone and her feet sharply up in my ribs. 

Food cravings/aversions:  I have been having the worst acid reflux - waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm choking/drowning on stomach acid, despite the Pri.losec and sleeping at an incline.  The morning sickness has also come back.  So, I'm trying to avoid anything spicy or strong-flavored.  My diet is really boring.

Belly button in or out?  This topic is a little bit of a sore one with me.  I've definitely still got an innie, but it looks kind of creepy.  It's so shallow that JTD loves to stare at it and make fun of me.  :)

What I miss:  I miss being able to see where I'm shaving; it's been about two months since it was more than an educated guess.  I'll have JTD look and see how I did, and usually he just laughs - not encouraging.  I am elated that we're at a point where I can't see, though, and wouldn't change it for the world.
To what I am looking forward:  Lying in bed with my husband with our baby between us when we can actually see her. 

Weekly Wisdom:  I don't really think I have much wisdom... just to wake up every single day happy that she's safe in there.  I'm just so blessed to have the husband and two girls that I do, and take the time to be grateful for them every day. 

Milestones:  We're one week away from "full-term" by clinical standards!

Symptoms:  I don't think they're really even "symptoms" at this point.  It's more a way of life.

35.5 weeks - OB appointment

Another OB appointment today!  Another instance of peeing on my own hand, which is just expected at this point.  I gained one pound (still not making up a ton of ground, but I'm at a total of 14 lbs at this point).  The great news is that I'm measuring right on with the measuring tape - I was at 35 weeks this time, up from 33 last week.  That explains why my belly button got so much more shallow over the last week (which is creepy, by the way).  I still apparently don't look very big at all - a friend this weekend kept saying, "Oh, you're so LITTLE!"  I wasn't really as appreciative of that as I might have been.

We didn't actually do a full cervical exam today, so I don't know how dilated I am.  What we DID do was the Group B strep test.  Um... wow, that sucks.  I'm not going to get too much into it because I have a couple of guy friends who read this blog, but I didn't really totally know what all was involved in it.  And my OB does the second part of the swab as a ninja attack - he explained to me afterwards that he doesn't tell women what's coming ahead of time because then they won't let him do it.  :)  My husband was gravely disappointed that he wasn't able to attend this appointment when I told him about propelling myself across the exam table.

No more P17s!

We took our last P17 shot last night, which means that we hit 35 weeks on Saturday!  This is awesome - no more having to ice down my butt before my husband sticks an enormous-gauge needle into it!  I'm guessing that my number of contractions per day will go up even higher (which seems impossible at this point), but it means that baby girl is doing well!  I remember being so nervous to even order the second batch of them, because I was so afraid we wouldn't get to 26 weeks.  Yet, here I sit, with Baby A/Jota proving me wrong - and jamming her head into my pelvis and her feet waaaaay up into my ribs to rub it in.  :)  So, I guess she's going to be like both of her parents and like to make a point...!

I had a friend recently e-mail me about the last few weeks of her pregnancy after her stillbirth (also at 21w3d, like Maddie) - she said that she had been especially sad/upset/nervous during that time, and she guessed that was the case for me.  Boy, was she right - I've been crying at the drop of a hat, and missing Maddie even more than ever lately.  I think it's just because we're so close - and, while I know that Maddie is safe and happy in ways that I never could have made her, I just don't want to lose another baby.  I don't want my body to fail another little miracle.  I just know that she's going to be okay, though - I just have to tell my heart that sometimes.