We tried so very hard to have Maddie. I stopped taking my pills before JTD and I ever got married so that I would be ready to start trying the day we got married - and that's when we started trying for our beautiful little girl. Because of the PCOS, I didn't ovulate and we quickly had to seek the advice of my OB. He first had me try doing BBT, which confirmed that I wasn't ovulating. We tried Metformin and several rounds of Clomid, to no avail. We tried an assisted IUI (artificial insemination after trying to induce ovulation with Clomid and a shot), also to no avail. At that point, he referred me to the fertility clinic. We first tried a laparoscopy to do ovarian drilling and remove some of my endometriosis, since insurance covered this step - I still didn't ovulate, and my fertility doctor found that my ovaries were incredibly filled with cysts. Finally, we moved on to IVF. We started the process last November - I overstimulated (severe OHSS), and we froze the five best embryos (all rated perfect) so as not to put me in further danger. On February 26, we transferred Maddie and another embryo - and, to our incredible delight and amazement, we conceived our little girl. After so many years of trying (since Sept. of 2005), we were finally going to get our miracle baby.
Now, we have to start over after the greatest loss of our lives. We have to answer the question when to "try again." We had hoped to try this month naturally before going on birth control pills to start the frozen embryo process again with the next cycle, so I've been taking my temperatures and doing ovulation predictor kits - all negative. Now we start over and have to talk to the doctor about timing for the drugs to induce a cycle, to prepare for shots and waiting and hoping that it even works. We're back to the beginning, but it's so much behind the beginning, because we don't have the child we should. We're supposed to be bringing home our Maddie in November, not transferring another embryo.
My question, though, is if this is a good idea. Do I dishonor my dear, precious miracle baby by trying again? My head says no - I feel like she was given to us to teach us about my incompetent cervix, that she gave her life so that we might be able to give her siblings. My heart, however - it's not healing yet. It's still raw. I just can't have any hope that we're going to get pregnant, since it was so hard the first time. And, if we do, this could happen again - can I handle that? Am I going to ever be ready to hold another baby in my arms who isn't Maddie? I want a child so desparately - but I still want THAT child. I want my child, my Maddie.
I love you, Madeleine Rose. I miss you so very, very much.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
I think you HONOR Maddy by trying to give her a brother or sister. When we were thinking about this we came to the place where we decided we loved Nick and Sophie so much that we wanted to give them a sibling to love and watch over... That, yes, we wanted a large family but, more than that, the risk of losing another child was outweighed by the love. And, even though little Alex was born too soon like his older siblings, we wouldnt give back a single moment, just as we wouldnt give back a moment with these babies either.
Thank you, Michele - I feel like that honors her, too. I want to honor the sacrifice she gave us, and to have a little one who can tell her story to his/her own children someday. I just need to overcome this fear and loss - I'm probably not removed enough from the freshness yet.
I am so very sorry for your loss of Maddie. Minus the IVF part of the equation, I was in your exact same position one year ago. The decision to try-to-conceive after a loss is heartwrenching, and the what-ifs seem insurmountable. No child will ever replace Maddy, and while he or she may help one day ease the pain of losing your daughter, they will not completely erase your memories of her. I agree with your feeling that Maddy gave you a gift in alerting you to you IC - a gift that will hopefully result in a little brother or sister for her.
As for time healing your heart . . . I don't know that there is ever enough time to heal a wound so very big. There are times I wish we had waited a little longer before trying again, as pregnancy after loss was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was right for us and our situation. You may regret going forward, but not nearly as much as you might regret waiting or not going forward at all.
Thank you so very much - it helps so much to have the insight of you ladies who have gone through this and have come out the other side. 7 weeks is such a short time - but it's forever, too, and I know that I NEED a baby in my arms. I need to honor Maddie's memory. I need to know that her loss wasn't in vain. I pray that our IVF works, and that I'm just able to cope with it. I can imagine that your subsequent pregnancy was terrifying and hopeful, all at the same time.
I understand your feelings all too well. While there is no "right" answer to your question, I agree with Michele that you will honor Maddie by going on with life and that includes having more children. But that doesn't mean it will be without strong, difficult emotions. A few days before we tried IVF again, we had a tree planting ceremony at my parent's home and that really helped me. It's difficult to explain, but having family and friends with us to celebrate Sarah's life helped me move on to the next phase. I can't say it gave me closure--I don't foresee that ever happening, nor do I desire that--but it did make me feel like I had "permission" to move on.
I know you will figure it out because if we did, anyone can. You're in my thoughts...
Rachel - I don't know if you'll get this message, and I hope you don't mind me asking, but was that tree-planting ceremony your primary memorial for Sarah? We had a memorial service for Maddie 8 days after I gave birth - it was so fresh at the time. I was wondering if another one at a year is a good idea.
Bless you for sharing your story, and encouraging me. That means so much more than I can even say. I was worried that I was abnormal or something by not feeling like I am ever going to "get over" it. That helps.
Actually, our first memorial service (only my parents, my husband, and me) was in the D.C. area where we lived and where Sarah was born. A chaplain presided over it and, frankly, it was awful. Sarah passed away on Sunday, Monday was a federal holiday, and Tuesday was the innaguration and since she was at a military hospital, we couldn't make any arrangements until Wednesday so it was just thrown together but even if it had been at the National Cathedral it still would have been awful. I had seen other memorial trees planted in public areas and I think that's lovely but, for me, I wanted it to be more personal so we decided on my parents' house in Oklahoma. We planned it in conjunction with a visit and it happened to be about six months after the precious week she spent with us (but that was coincidental rather than symbolic). I had adorable invitations made; they were pink with dogwood blossoms on them which was perfect because we planted a pink flowering dogwood. We served lunch but kept it all very casual. My husband's family does not live near my family so it was maninly my family and close friends. There really wasn't a formal program but my husband and I both spoke and then people took turns tossing/shoveling dirt in the hole where the tree was planted. It was great for people to hear about Sarah, how we miss her, think about her, and love her now and always. I wanted people to know about her (as you touched on in your post today) and I think they did which helped me though I'm not entirely sure why.
I look at the tree every day since I'm living with my parents for a bit. I am so thankful it's here with family tending to it but I would also be happy if it were in a park near where families laugh and play together. I can't explain how or why it helped me so much but it really did. Whether you plant a tree or have a first birthday party, I hope you are able to celebrate Maddie's life again with your friends and family.
I want to recommend a blog to you. The writer and her husband are good friends with my brother and sister-in-law. She lost two babies to IC and just recently brought home a beautiful baby girl. Go back in the archives and read some of her posts. It helped me and I hope it will help you.
www.mrsmuelly.blogspot.com
Rachel,
I am so sorry that your initial memorial service was awful. I was similarly... unfulfilled, I guess for lack of a better word, with Maddie's. The pastor did a beautiful job, but they weren't the words I wanted to hear. I could barely handle it, and was still in great amounts of physical pain. The support of the people we love was so palpable and was such a lifeline - that was the part of that evening that was the most important to me.
Isn't it amazing the little things that can make such a difference? The dogwood on Sarah's invitations - that's so perfect and beautiful. Maddie's middle name is Rose - and I've found that every rose I see has taken on a special meaning now. Your story has encouraged me to do something for her again at a time when I can get more out of it mentally.
Thank you SO much for the blog suggestion - I've just read a few of them, and they have also filled me with hope. I hate that anyone has to go through this multiple times (like Michele, and so many others) - but the fact that there is some light at the other end of the tunnel is so helpful. I'll always have one foot in the tunnel, but just to know that there's hope can help sustain me.
I believe that when you TTC after a loss, Maddie would do the picking. Meaning that the baby that comes will be chosen specifically by Maddie. I truly feel that way with Riley - that Cooper and Brayden picked her for us. She is that much more special because of it.
For me, I needed to continue moving forward. So, the decision of when to TTC again wasn't much of an issue. I know it's not that way for all people, though. It's just the way that I coped at the time - right or wrong. I needed something "good" to look forward to. And all the planning that goes into infertility gave me something else to focus on.
Oh, my goodness, that is one of the most beautiful descriptions I've ever heard. I feel so much like Maddie gave her life so that we could hopefully give her more siblings - to think that she will also be actively involved in the process of selecting them is just one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. The frozen embryos we will transfer are her fraternal twins, so I also find that somehow helpful.
That is so true - there is so much planning with infertility stuff that the process consumes you. I think that's probably healthy - it gives me another focus, instead of it being entirely on the grief. We will be likely starting BCP pills for our transfer on Saturday, so I feel like it's a new page of the same book. :)
Post a Comment