My husband and I both adore music. We were good friends before we started dating, and one of the things over which we found an incredible bond was music. When we got married, that was one of the big things we did as a couple (since he wasn't really interested much in flowers or colors) - we went through our music collections and compiled a huge play list of "accepted" songs for our DJ. (There were also a few songs that were unacceptable - my mom and I had a big fight over the fact that I adamantly refused to have a reception if the song "Butterfly Kisses" was anywhere near it.)
When we got pregnant with Maddie, we knew that we wanted to share music with her. We had songs that we connected to the pregnancy - the day that we found out that she was a little girl, this song ("Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright III) got stuck in our heads:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVam-fshUgw
I had my iPod playing today while doing a project for work, and that song came up. I immediately was reduced to tears, and it reminded me how broken I still am and always will be. It's amazing how you try and integrate your angel's life into yours in positive ways and to only take the good from the situation, from your baby's life - but something can bring so sharply into focus how much it still hurts, and always will to have lost her. The song accurately describes our feelings of hope for Baby Jota, but it is just inextricably tied to Maddie. I would give almost anything to be able to lose fights with her.
I want to focus on nothing but how happy Maddie is now (beyond what I could ever hope to give her), and how very much she changed my life for the better, but there are days when I think it's good to remember what could have been.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
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6 comments:
I feel the same way about music and have lists of songs that are tied to each one of my children. What a perfect song for Maddie, and even though it reminded you of the sadness and grief that will forever be a part of you, I couldn't help but smile thinking of your beautiful little angel and the earthly angel that you WILL welcome this summer. Someday she will know how much this song means to you and she will happily dance around the room when it comes on.
I keep thinking about how I can't wait to share this song with Baby Jota for exactly that reason - you're so incredibly sweet. :) You always know just what's in my heart.
The thing about something being bitter-sweet is, there is a little bit of bitter no matter how much sweet you find.
You are doing just fine lady.
I know exactly what you mean. I have a song that reminds me of Wyatt, too.
I know that Baby Jota will love Maddie, too, and the things that connect you to Maddie will connect them as siblings. Our Angels will always be in our lives and a part of our families.
HUGS!
my niece's water broke at 22 weeks, the next day her little girl came too early...i cannot believe how sadden I am...how much i had been anticipating her and waited for her even though I'm "only" the aunt and my niece lives far away...to all of us she was a person with potential and we all had dreams for her and of her...truly there is no footprint so small....
" but there are days when I think it's good to remember what could have been"
I so, so agree-----
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