I first off wanted to thank Jill from Footprints on our Hearts (LINK) for the wonderful, beautiful, absolutely perfect keychain that I was lucky enough to win for the 25 Days giveaway! You're amazing, Jill, and I am just so grateful! I got a picture of it on my keychain, but it wasn't blog-worthy in quality.
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I've been getting lots of the "Is Alice your first child?" questions lately. Every single time, my heart says, "No" - but I sometimes struggle with my answers aloud. I usually try to say, "She has an older sister in Heaven," but there are admittedly times when I just don't have the strength to get into that. It hurts to explain, and it hurts to not explain. There is truly no right answer.
It would help if there were a way we could easily identify ourselves. It's easy enough to explain my fertility issues - "I'm a PCOS-er," or "I had to do IVF" (whatever acronym they may understand). There really isn't a quick way to explain being a mother of a child who has passed on, however.
The common one we've adopted is "baby loss mamas" - but something about that one bothers me a little bit. To be precise, it's the word "loss" - I didn't misplace Maddie. It wasn't thoughtlessness or anything I could have controlled that took her away from me. I know precisely where she is at all times. It's a well-meaning term, but a little laden with blame.
Slightly better is "orphaned parents," but that one just confuses people. "So, you're a parent, but your parents died?" Not easy to explain.
Is there a better term of which I'm just not aware? When it comes down to it... does it really matter what I call myself? No matter what you call it, I still can't hold my daughter, and it hurts even if I don't have a name for the emotion.
I hope the holidays are a time of healing and love for all, and brings them closeness with those they've lost.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
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8 comments:
Sadly, there is no term for a parent who loses their child. When asked about how many children we have, or anything like it, I usually typically say we have three, two living. Or if I'm asked how hold my kids are, I say "Our oldest is 6, our son would have turned 3 this year and our baby is a month" and usually that's enough. Lots of hugs.
I struggle with this all the time. Since we have no other living kids I normally say we don't have children to ppl I doubt I'll ever see again. But then immediatly feel bad or feel like a liar afterward. Its just easier and less stressful at the time. I hate saying I "lost" my son also, I know he's heaven and how he got there! So I'm right there with you on that!
You are so welcome!! :)
I get asked all the time if this is my first pregnancy and my heart aches every time I hear those words. I know once Carly is here I will get the question that you are. Is she your first child? I know what you mean about how it hurts to explain and it hurts not to explain.
This is hard question. I was just thinking about it the other day. Now that I look like I'm about to "pop", as everyone so fondly points out to me multiple times a day, I get the question of "is this your first?" all the time. Anyway, as I was thinking about this, I decided that whatever response feels right at the time is ok. Sometimes I say "no" and leave it at that, not bothering to explain that my first child is not alive. Other times, I say yes. I hate myself for it when I do, but sometimes it's just too much to try to explain. Even when I say a simple "no, he's not my first", there is always the risk of questions that would lead to me having to explain details. No matter what I say, I always end up trying to quickly change the subject. And I always know in my heart how many children I have. And that's what matters. And I'm ok with that, even though it isn't easy. Not easy at all...
I'm facing the same issue. My son grew his angel wings somewhere between 34 and 36 weeks this past August. I am now just finding this an issue when I meet new people who don't know that I was pregnant this year.
At the moment I'm saying I don't have kids when asked, but I also feel like I'm lying and somehow not honoring my son. I guess I figure it's not worth getting into it right now because it will inevitably lead to tears on my part. And boy am I tired of crying in public places. But going forward I would like to figure out an answer that works better. If you can figure one out, please share it with me.
I am so sorry that everyone has had this same dilemma. Like you've all said, this is hard, because you feel guilty either way. I'm sending you all hugs.
I have trouble with this one too. Before Caitlyn was born I was much quicker to say "We lost our son when I was 6 months pregnant"... before I was pregnant again, I didn't have to deal with the "do you have any kids" question too often. But during the pregnancy.. I guess I thought it was bad luck not to acknowledge my lost child even if it was hard to talk about it that day. Now, I guess I feel like when people see your child and ask you if you have any others, they are really just making conversation. It's obviously always people who don't know you who would ask this so I think it's just a matter of it being the question people ask about other people's kids. If it's a random person I know I won't ever talk to again, I just give the polite answer "yes, she is my first child". But if it's someone I'm just getting acquainted with (I just started a new job, for example), I don't always mention it right away, but I do always bring it up eventually. My new boss asks me about Caitlyn a lot actually, and just the other day I felt comfortable enough to tell her about Nicholas. So I guess I tried to get past the part where I feel guilty for not making strangers uncomfortable, but if it is someone who I'm going to interact with a lot, I feel like it's such a significant part of my life that I can't NOT mention it, you know? Another thing I do when it's someone I interact with regularly who doesn't know I lost a child is that if they ask about my pregnancy, for example, I'll always compare it to my first pregnancy. Like "oh, well my morning sickness wasn't so bad this time, but during my first pregnancy I was sick every day". Then they can decide to ask about it further or leave it at that. It's just not an easy one. You have to do what feels right for you.
Glad you like your keychain! I bet it is pretty!
I think we've all been there at some point with people asking. A lot of times with strangers I can get away with not having to reveal she died. They'll ask perhaps, "How many children do you have?" and I'll say 4 girls and then they ask their ages and I just give their ages and for Carleigh give the age she should be right now.
I've heard some other women use the term Mother of an angel and use the abbreviation MOA. I'm not really fond of that one either. I really wish there were a term that everyone could recognize like widow is used for a husband or wife.
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