I went to the OB today for a checkup. He didn't do an ultrasound this week, but he did a manual check - he said everything felt long, closed, and tight. It was an amazing thing to hear... as was the baby's heartbeat. He had to hunt for it for a little bit, so I panicked silently while he was looking - but then there it was, and I could exhale. We'll do the full ultrasound on March 9 (cervical length and the full u/s), so I can't wait.
I have been pretty quiet (for me) lately, and I just wanted to thank everyone for their sweet messages and thoughts. I've just been really tired at night, thinking about Maddie a lot, and worried about a lot of stuff, so I tend to go to sleep after work. I am so grateful for the sweet thoughts.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Hunh.
You know what feels awesome? Sneezing with a cerclage in.
Not much new. OB appointment again on Wednesday, but he's only doing a manual exam. I may ask about ultrasounds frequency - I know scheduling only once a month is supposed to not irritate the cervix, but it just seems so long in-between.
It's been a hard few days thinking about Maddie. We turned 18 weeks this past Saturday - it was at exactly 18 weeks (also on a Saturday, since that's how the embryo transfer was scheduled) with her that we had her Level II ultrasound. It was so magical to see her little face, to see her nestling into me, to see her sucking her thumb. I am so very grateful for this baby, but I just miss my little girl. In another life, she would be wiggling next to me on the couch. That type of thinking doesn't accomplish much, but I can't help it every once in a while.
Not much new. OB appointment again on Wednesday, but he's only doing a manual exam. I may ask about ultrasounds frequency - I know scheduling only once a month is supposed to not irritate the cervix, but it just seems so long in-between.
It's been a hard few days thinking about Maddie. We turned 18 weeks this past Saturday - it was at exactly 18 weeks (also on a Saturday, since that's how the embryo transfer was scheduled) with her that we had her Level II ultrasound. It was so magical to see her little face, to see her nestling into me, to see her sucking her thumb. I am so very grateful for this baby, but I just miss my little girl. In another life, she would be wiggling next to me on the couch. That type of thinking doesn't accomplish much, but I can't help it every once in a while.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Doctor's Appointment
Today was a good day. We went to the OB and had our check-up. He didn't do a pelvic exam or an ultrasound, but I'll go back next week for the pelvic exam, two weeks after that for an ultrasound. It was so great - I told him all about my concerns and worries, and he actually talked to me. My peri was very, very capable, but not a great communicator. My OB explained that, yes, I will continue to shorten, but that he's going to watch it and treat it aggressively. My uterus was contracting before to practice for labor, which caused me to dilate because there was no resistance. Now there's resistance, so things are much more stable. I mentally know all of that, but it helps to hear it and actually feel someone believe it.
I know this relief and good feeling is probably temporary, but it's nice while it lasts. :)
I know this relief and good feeling is probably temporary, but it's nice while it lasts. :)
Monday, February 15, 2010
When Is It Not Too Soon?
When I was pregnant with Maddie, I got super into organizing everything really early. I created a registry at about 10 weeks - not because I wanted people to buy us stuff, but because it was an easy way to organize the purchases I wanted to make as I researched them. I went through hundreds of online reviews of the best car seats, cribs, video monitors, and then I added them to the registry as I decided upon things. We also purchased a lot of stuff pretty early for Maddie. Car seat/stroller combo, extra car seat base, crib and dresser, pack 'n play, video monitors, high chair, crib bedding set, a few diapers. My mom and grandma had gotten a lot of clothes, too.
All of those items are still here. The crib and dresser arrived three days after I delivered Maddie, and we still put them together so that we could spend time with them. The high chair sits in the dining room, the boxes for many of the other things sit downstairs in our entryway. It was so very hard to look at them for so long, and it still is - I see my little girl in each and every one of those items - not because they're things, but because I researched each and every item with so much care and love. Those things were/are so hard to look at, but they're Maddie's.
Now, we hope to share those with the new baby - but I can't bring myself to research any new items, to even think of ordering anything. I keep getting notifications that items for which we registered are discontinued (we moved the date of the original registry), and I just can't bring myself yet to go through and replace them. It just seems too soon still, at 17w2d - we're still 4 weeks short of when Maddie was born gestationally. I want to honor this baby with all of the excitement he/she deserves, but it's just so hard to feel sure enough about anything to do more than hope. A question mark just hangs over everything, and I hate that.
I'm sorry, this likely seems ungrateful - that's the furthest thing from the truth. I am so grateful for this baby every second. I pray for him/her about 5 - 10 times each day. I just don't know how to plan for the future when I worry so much.
All of those items are still here. The crib and dresser arrived three days after I delivered Maddie, and we still put them together so that we could spend time with them. The high chair sits in the dining room, the boxes for many of the other things sit downstairs in our entryway. It was so very hard to look at them for so long, and it still is - I see my little girl in each and every one of those items - not because they're things, but because I researched each and every item with so much care and love. Those things were/are so hard to look at, but they're Maddie's.
Now, we hope to share those with the new baby - but I can't bring myself to research any new items, to even think of ordering anything. I keep getting notifications that items for which we registered are discontinued (we moved the date of the original registry), and I just can't bring myself yet to go through and replace them. It just seems too soon still, at 17w2d - we're still 4 weeks short of when Maddie was born gestationally. I want to honor this baby with all of the excitement he/she deserves, but it's just so hard to feel sure enough about anything to do more than hope. A question mark just hangs over everything, and I hate that.
I'm sorry, this likely seems ungrateful - that's the furthest thing from the truth. I am so grateful for this baby every second. I pray for him/her about 5 - 10 times each day. I just don't know how to plan for the future when I worry so much.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Appointment today
I had my rescheduled peri appointment today. It went well, but I'm just not as confident as I could be.
First off, the baby looked great. 153 bpm, very active - but we couldn't see the gender because he/she is sitting breech. My cervical length is now 3.7, though. It's totally tight and not funneling, but shorter than it was. The doctor said this was still great, and he discharged me to my regular OB until I get the cerclage out, but I don't really feel good about the fact that these have been our measurements:
1/19 - 4.9-ish cm
1/26 - 4.15 cm
2/11 - 3.7 cm
That's more than a cm of loss in three weeks while on full bedrest. He said it's the overall picture that is important, and that it looks good, but it just worries me. He said I can be more active, but I should continue to work from home so I can lie down. I started P17 shots this past Sunday, so we'll continue those through 36 weeks.
I'm sorry this post is kind of a downer - I should be so excited, and I am. I just feel like this is so tenuous at best, and that something bad can happen at any second. I am so very blessed to have this baby, and this baby deserves us to be excited (which I am to a ridiculous degree) - but this is just so terrifying. Anyway. I have a regular OB appointment next week, so hopefully that goes well.
First off, the baby looked great. 153 bpm, very active - but we couldn't see the gender because he/she is sitting breech. My cervical length is now 3.7, though. It's totally tight and not funneling, but shorter than it was. The doctor said this was still great, and he discharged me to my regular OB until I get the cerclage out, but I don't really feel good about the fact that these have been our measurements:
1/19 - 4.9-ish cm
1/26 - 4.15 cm
2/11 - 3.7 cm
That's more than a cm of loss in three weeks while on full bedrest. He said it's the overall picture that is important, and that it looks good, but it just worries me. He said I can be more active, but I should continue to work from home so I can lie down. I started P17 shots this past Sunday, so we'll continue those through 36 weeks.
I'm sorry this post is kind of a downer - I should be so excited, and I am. I just feel like this is so tenuous at best, and that something bad can happen at any second. I am so very blessed to have this baby, and this baby deserves us to be excited (which I am to a ridiculous degree) - but this is just so terrifying. Anyway. I have a regular OB appointment next week, so hopefully that goes well.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Inspiration
A friend asked me recently who was the biggest source of inspiration to me during the hardest parts of our loss with Maddie. (I think that there are still times that are just as hard, but I understand the question.)
I think I've had a lot of very inspirational people in my life - people who have poured out their hearts and sympathy, who have loved our little girl despite many never even having seen her. There's one person, though, who knows loss, and whose strength and character have been a constant inspiration to me. (I hope he doesn't mind if I write this - I'll keep it anonymous.)
My friend, to whom I will refer as "C," lost both his young wife and the beautiful little boy she was carrying (just in the second trimester) a few years ago in a truly tragic home accident. After Maddie passed on, he was so kind and reached out to me in my grief - although most people only discussed the passing of his wife, C had been and is still truly grieving two separate loved ones.
This would make a lot of people jaded, angry, distant. I have been so inspired by the Christian, caring, loving attitude that this friend has displayed time and again. Even though he has so many things of his own to worry about, he reached out to me to share in my grief. I just don't know many people who are that strong and brave, and it has truly been something that I aspire to be.
I think I've had a lot of very inspirational people in my life - people who have poured out their hearts and sympathy, who have loved our little girl despite many never even having seen her. There's one person, though, who knows loss, and whose strength and character have been a constant inspiration to me. (I hope he doesn't mind if I write this - I'll keep it anonymous.)
My friend, to whom I will refer as "C," lost both his young wife and the beautiful little boy she was carrying (just in the second trimester) a few years ago in a truly tragic home accident. After Maddie passed on, he was so kind and reached out to me in my grief - although most people only discussed the passing of his wife, C had been and is still truly grieving two separate loved ones.
This would make a lot of people jaded, angry, distant. I have been so inspired by the Christian, caring, loving attitude that this friend has displayed time and again. Even though he has so many things of his own to worry about, he reached out to me to share in my grief. I just don't know many people who are that strong and brave, and it has truly been something that I aspire to be.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
A Bit of Relief
Well, so I posted yesterday that my peri appointment had to be moved to Thursday due to snow. (Since I'm a huge planner and incredibly impatient, this did not sit incredibly well.
So, of course, last night I started having some really odd, sharp pains that weren't normal, right around 9:45 or so. I've had lots of pressure and some cramping/pains since the cerclage, but this was new. It was sharper and I just wasn't comfortable with it. Since the snow was coming down hard, there was no way we could make it to the ER at the hospital that's 15 miles away, and the hospital just down the road from us is totally unprepared for my types of issues (they only have about 10 patient rooms, as it's a really small town).
I called the regular OB this morning, since they're way closer than the peri. I described my symptoms to a nurse, and she said that we should probably come in just to be safe. We got to the appointment, and they did an exam. Thank goodness, they're pretty sure it was just some really sharp ligament pain (apparently my ligaments are likely connected all of the way to the external organs, so I am feeling these much sharper than usual). The really good news is that my cervix was nice and long. She didn't do an ultrasound, but the examinations (both visual and manual) were positive - it sounds like I may have gotten some length back on the outside. I asked if she thought we should stay on the bedrest - she wants me to check with the peri, but it sounds like she thinks it's helping, and not worth stopping.
I feel like I can breathe for a bit - I know that I said a huge prayer of thanks for this blessing. It's too bad that we had to do the appointment on my husband's birthday right before he had to work - I'm sure he would have rather spent his morning relaxing!
So, of course, last night I started having some really odd, sharp pains that weren't normal, right around 9:45 or so. I've had lots of pressure and some cramping/pains since the cerclage, but this was new. It was sharper and I just wasn't comfortable with it. Since the snow was coming down hard, there was no way we could make it to the ER at the hospital that's 15 miles away, and the hospital just down the road from us is totally unprepared for my types of issues (they only have about 10 patient rooms, as it's a really small town).
I called the regular OB this morning, since they're way closer than the peri. I described my symptoms to a nurse, and she said that we should probably come in just to be safe. We got to the appointment, and they did an exam. Thank goodness, they're pretty sure it was just some really sharp ligament pain (apparently my ligaments are likely connected all of the way to the external organs, so I am feeling these much sharper than usual). The really good news is that my cervix was nice and long. She didn't do an ultrasound, but the examinations (both visual and manual) were positive - it sounds like I may have gotten some length back on the outside. I asked if she thought we should stay on the bedrest - she wants me to check with the peri, but it sounds like she thinks it's helping, and not worth stopping.
I feel like I can breathe for a bit - I know that I said a huge prayer of thanks for this blessing. It's too bad that we had to do the appointment on my husband's birthday right before he had to work - I'm sure he would have rather spent his morning relaxing!
Monday, February 08, 2010
Postponed
I was supposed to have my checkup with my peri tomorrow morning (he's located about 45 miles away from us), but it had to be cancelled due to the foot of snow that we're getting dumped on us (again) right now. No way we'd be able to get there tomorrow morning. We've been rescheduled for Thursday at 11 CST. I'm more than a little disappointed - I wanted to find out how things were going (especially because of the pain/pressure I've been having), I want to know if this bedrest is getting extended further, and we were hoping that maybe the baby would cooperate and show us his/her gender tomorrow (we're 16w2d right now - the baby has had his/her legs crossed at every other appointment). I just hate the snow - at this point, I don't even know how I'd get to the hospital if I needed to go. We live in a really small town that has a hospital, but it's not prepared at all for my issues - I doubt they even know what a cerclage is. I'm mostly just worried-worried-worried, and only feel like I breathe after our appointments - and even then it's only for a few hours!
I can't complain a whole ton, though - a pregnancy-after-loss friend was telling me about her friend who was supposed to have her IVF transfer this past weekend. Unfortunately, they live in D.C., so I'm guessing that didn't happen. :( It puts a lot into perspective.
I can't complain a whole ton, though - a pregnancy-after-loss friend was telling me about her friend who was supposed to have her IVF transfer this past weekend. Unfortunately, they live in D.C., so I'm guessing that didn't happen. :( It puts a lot into perspective.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Disappointed
There are times when I realize that the rest of the world just doesn't "get" baby loss - even those closest to us.
This is a totally random thing, but my grandmother joined Facebook this summer - about a week or two after I had Maddie, in fact. She put up a picture at the time explaining that she was a "mother, sister, Christian, grandmother, and hopefully greatgrandmother someday." I wasn't incredibly impressed with that at the time, but didn't say anything. Well, I have a cousin who is almost completely estranged from my grandparents and family, and she was due one day before Maddie's due date. She ended up having her little girl on Maddie's due date - it was a little tough, but we had just gotten our positive test from the FET, and I didn't say anything. Just now as I logged in after work, I noticed that my grandma posted a comment on that same picture saying, "Yay! Finally the great-grandmother of my granddaughter Maggie's beautiful little girl, Lane."
I know it's totally irrational, and it was on freaking Facebook, but that really bothered me. She'd already been a great-grandmother for four months when the kid was born. She'd held Maddie in the hospital, but will likely never (or very rarely) see this baby - but somehow that's the only great-grandchild who counts? I don't want to read into this too much, but what about MY baby? How can you hold the loveliest child ever, look in her beautiful face, and then just forget her?
I guess, though, that this is just really a lesson that everyone else's life goes on. People forget, or it's less awkward for them to just gloss over it. I don't expect much, but it's been months since most people have mentioned my little girl to me - I understand that from friends and acquaintances, as they don't understand that Maddie wasn't just a faceless entity... but my mother? My grandparents? That just seems really messed up to me. They saw the cleft in her chin like her daddy, that she had my nose and features. My heart aches for Maddie every single day - I just can't understand how theirs don't at least sometimes.
I know I'm just rehashing what I've said in the past, but sometimes it's just disappointing.
This is a totally random thing, but my grandmother joined Facebook this summer - about a week or two after I had Maddie, in fact. She put up a picture at the time explaining that she was a "mother, sister, Christian, grandmother, and hopefully greatgrandmother someday." I wasn't incredibly impressed with that at the time, but didn't say anything. Well, I have a cousin who is almost completely estranged from my grandparents and family, and she was due one day before Maddie's due date. She ended up having her little girl on Maddie's due date - it was a little tough, but we had just gotten our positive test from the FET, and I didn't say anything. Just now as I logged in after work, I noticed that my grandma posted a comment on that same picture saying, "Yay! Finally the great-grandmother of my granddaughter Maggie's beautiful little girl, Lane."
I know it's totally irrational, and it was on freaking Facebook, but that really bothered me. She'd already been a great-grandmother for four months when the kid was born. She'd held Maddie in the hospital, but will likely never (or very rarely) see this baby - but somehow that's the only great-grandchild who counts? I don't want to read into this too much, but what about MY baby? How can you hold the loveliest child ever, look in her beautiful face, and then just forget her?
I guess, though, that this is just really a lesson that everyone else's life goes on. People forget, or it's less awkward for them to just gloss over it. I don't expect much, but it's been months since most people have mentioned my little girl to me - I understand that from friends and acquaintances, as they don't understand that Maddie wasn't just a faceless entity... but my mother? My grandparents? That just seems really messed up to me. They saw the cleft in her chin like her daddy, that she had my nose and features. My heart aches for Maddie every single day - I just can't understand how theirs don't at least sometimes.
I know I'm just rehashing what I've said in the past, but sometimes it's just disappointing.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Just Chill...
Over the last several years of infertility treatments, as I've mentioned before, a lot of people have seen parts of me I'd rather not share. I don't just mean "a lot" - I mean a lot. Probably dozens. Having a high-risk pregnancy has ramped that up to the point where you kind of wake up every day knowing, "There's an outside chance a stranger is going to see my girl parts today."
After all of the panicking the last few days, I called my peri and left a message last night about the pains I've been having. Every time I hurt, I panic - yes, my total cervical length is over 4 cm (or was last week), but if I only have a half-centimeter on the outside... wouldn't that logically mean that the part on the outside is going to funnel to the stitch first? What happens then? I woke up this morning wondering if I was going to go down and get checked out sometime in the next few days (my next appointment isn't until next Tuesday, so I didn't know). The nurse called me back, though, and let me know that the pains I'm describing are probably pretty normal. Oh, well, that's great. But, as Michele from My Life After Loss just said (and she knows a thing or two about Shirodkar cerclages!), I have to just settle down and trust in the cerclage. It's there to do what it's supposed to do. Now I just have to breathe until next Tuesday.
After all of the panicking the last few days, I called my peri and left a message last night about the pains I've been having. Every time I hurt, I panic - yes, my total cervical length is over 4 cm (or was last week), but if I only have a half-centimeter on the outside... wouldn't that logically mean that the part on the outside is going to funnel to the stitch first? What happens then? I woke up this morning wondering if I was going to go down and get checked out sometime in the next few days (my next appointment isn't until next Tuesday, so I didn't know). The nurse called me back, though, and let me know that the pains I'm describing are probably pretty normal. Oh, well, that's great. But, as Michele from My Life After Loss just said (and she knows a thing or two about Shirodkar cerclages!), I have to just settle down and trust in the cerclage. It's there to do what it's supposed to do. Now I just have to breathe until next Tuesday.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Minor Freak-outs
My husband started a new job a little over four weeks ago, and is now working a really weird shift - 2-10 pm Monday through Thursday, and 6 am - 2 pm on Saturday. The job has been amazing, but it doesn't leave us a ton of time to see each other. With me being on bedrest, most of his time at home has been taking care of me.
Last night, however, I had a mini freak-out. Without getting into a ton of details (since I have guy friends who read the page), I have continued to have a few symptoms very occasionally that freak me out and convince me that the bed rest is for the best. Last night I had some symptoms and quite a lot of pressure/cramping - so I panicked, like any calm, rational woman would. I knew it wasn't contractions or anything, but I worry so much that I'm funneling past the cerclage on the outside (since it's so short).
Obviously, there wasn't much my husband could do to help from 15 miles away, but he talked me down off the ledge while I was on the phone with him. There's just absolutely nothing else I could do to make this go better - I'm eating everything right, resting, going to start the progesterone shots on Sunday, going to my appointments... I just can't control any of this. That's part of what's so terrifying, since I like to micromanage things, but I need to just trust God on this one.
Last night, however, I had a mini freak-out. Without getting into a ton of details (since I have guy friends who read the page), I have continued to have a few symptoms very occasionally that freak me out and convince me that the bed rest is for the best. Last night I had some symptoms and quite a lot of pressure/cramping - so I panicked, like any calm, rational woman would. I knew it wasn't contractions or anything, but I worry so much that I'm funneling past the cerclage on the outside (since it's so short).
Obviously, there wasn't much my husband could do to help from 15 miles away, but he talked me down off the ledge while I was on the phone with him. There's just absolutely nothing else I could do to make this go better - I'm eating everything right, resting, going to start the progesterone shots on Sunday, going to my appointments... I just can't control any of this. That's part of what's so terrifying, since I like to micromanage things, but I need to just trust God on this one.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Odds & Ends
It's kind of hard to have a lot to write about when you're lying on your back 24/7. All I care about right at this moment is that the baby appears to be doing great.
My husband and I were chatting about some of the ultrasound techs we've had lately. The ones at my RE's office are just awesome, the one at my peri seems really nice - but the one at the hospital was a pill. I kept trying to make witty remarks to come up with some kind of rapport, but it's like she refused to enjoy the fact that she was witnessing a miracle every time she turned on the ultrasound - or to be sympathetic to how worried I was after the cerclage. I guess it's just my opinion, but if you're putting anything called a "wand" near me and it doesn't have the word "magic" in front of it, you could at least try and make me feel a little better.
I miss Maddie desperately today. It's so hard to realize that this was God's will, but I know it is and that she's happier now than she ever would have been on Earth. She's safe and at peace, and that's really all I can ask as a mother - but it just hurts so much to not have her. I think it's probably just that the flutters, etc. remind me so much of our pregnancy with her.
I want to apologize if me talking about Baby Jota hurts anyone in any way. I know the freshness and rawness of baby loss - I still feel it every day. I know that you have a pang of jealousy when others are pregnant, and I feel bad if my mentioning the pregnancy makes anyone feel bad. I guess all I can do is blog about what's important to me, and hope that others protect themselves if it's too hard to read.
My husband and I were chatting about some of the ultrasound techs we've had lately. The ones at my RE's office are just awesome, the one at my peri seems really nice - but the one at the hospital was a pill. I kept trying to make witty remarks to come up with some kind of rapport, but it's like she refused to enjoy the fact that she was witnessing a miracle every time she turned on the ultrasound - or to be sympathetic to how worried I was after the cerclage. I guess it's just my opinion, but if you're putting anything called a "wand" near me and it doesn't have the word "magic" in front of it, you could at least try and make me feel a little better.
I miss Maddie desperately today. It's so hard to realize that this was God's will, but I know it is and that she's happier now than she ever would have been on Earth. She's safe and at peace, and that's really all I can ask as a mother - but it just hurts so much to not have her. I think it's probably just that the flutters, etc. remind me so much of our pregnancy with her.
I want to apologize if me talking about Baby Jota hurts anyone in any way. I know the freshness and rawness of baby loss - I still feel it every day. I know that you have a pang of jealousy when others are pregnant, and I feel bad if my mentioning the pregnancy makes anyone feel bad. I guess all I can do is blog about what's important to me, and hope that others protect themselves if it's too hard to read.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Little Things
I've decided that I'm going to stop putting the numbers of weeks/days since Maddie was born in the blog titles. I'm acutely aware that it's been 29 weeks and 3 days, but that's just confusing to most people when I'm also 14 weeks and 6 days pregnant.
For some reason, we've been talking a lot about our two frozen embryos we have left. When we originally did our IVF cycle, I overstimulated to the point where I had to be drained (huge needle in the belly to suck out fluid - it was pretty gross), so we had to freeze the five perfect-grade embryos that we had left (we were so blessed to have that many - I'd had 31 eggs retrieved due to the OHSS, but they were all great quality). Maddie and another embryo were transferred last February 26, and obviously this baby was transferred on November 5. That means we have two left. There are just so many issues to consider.
I have been feeling flutters for a little while - I had been telling myself that it was too early (even though my doctor told me I'd likely feel them earlier this time - I felt them at 16 weeks with Maddie due to my size), but I had some on Tuesday while we were at the ultrasound. It just so happened that I could see the baby causing a ruckus in there at the same time, so it was pretty amazing to know that I'm really feeling the baby moving. It's just the most wonderful feeling in the world - I so miss feeling Maddie move.
For some reason, we've been talking a lot about our two frozen embryos we have left. When we originally did our IVF cycle, I overstimulated to the point where I had to be drained (huge needle in the belly to suck out fluid - it was pretty gross), so we had to freeze the five perfect-grade embryos that we had left (we were so blessed to have that many - I'd had 31 eggs retrieved due to the OHSS, but they were all great quality). Maddie and another embryo were transferred last February 26, and obviously this baby was transferred on November 5. That means we have two left. There are just so many issues to consider.
I have been feeling flutters for a little while - I had been telling myself that it was too early (even though my doctor told me I'd likely feel them earlier this time - I felt them at 16 weeks with Maddie due to my size), but I had some on Tuesday while we were at the ultrasound. It just so happened that I could see the baby causing a ruckus in there at the same time, so it was pretty amazing to know that I'm really feeling the baby moving. It's just the most wonderful feeling in the world - I so miss feeling Maddie move.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
29 weeks and 1 day - Callback Received
Just a quick update while eating a bite - I received a callback late yesterday afternoon from the peri's nurse. No real answers on the red dots except that my blood tests were good from when I was in the hospital for surgery, so we should just watch them and call if they get worse. Just to be safe, they're keeping me on bedrest for another two weeks and then will reassess on 2/9 to see what's best at that time. I'm so happy to do it with the knowledge that it's what's safest for the baby, but my hips/back/neck are less enthused.
A huge thanks for all of the sweet responses!!
A huge thanks for all of the sweet responses!!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
29 weeks - Dr's Appt
Well, that was a little anticlimactic. I was all worked up about getting to the perinatologist this morning due to the blizzard we got yesterday and last night. My husband and I made it down there, and had the ultrasound. It was great - baby looked perfect and is just as active as ever (and still not showing us his/her goodies). Length was about 4.10 cm, and it was probably a more accurate measurement than we got in the hospital. So, I asked if we'd be going right in to see the dr, since he'd said he'd see us (I wanted to show him the red dots, ask about continuing bedrest, etc.). I found out that he wasn't in yet this morning, and either he or a nurse would call me. Oh. So, nobody's checking out the red dots that still cover me (although they're getting better), and I am just biding time. I called again a little before noon, but he'd just stopped in and had to step right back out. So, back to waiting.
I've had time lately to think a lot about doctor's appointments, however, and I've come to a decision about gyno/OB appointments. I've decided that it's the best thing possible if they don't remember my whatnot. These doctors see thousands and thousands of women, and I'm pretty sure they don't say, "Oh, that Sally Jones, she had a really great vagina." I'm pretty sure that the only reason that they remember your body parts is because of something bad. I don't want them to say, "Oh, yeah, she had that really strange bump," or anything like that. I'd like to be as non-descript as possible. Same goes with my cervical issues here - I want my cervix to be unmemorable. I don't like that it was "really short" during the surgery. I hope that the rest of our appointments serve to be totally blase for all involved.
I've had time lately to think a lot about doctor's appointments, however, and I've come to a decision about gyno/OB appointments. I've decided that it's the best thing possible if they don't remember my whatnot. These doctors see thousands and thousands of women, and I'm pretty sure they don't say, "Oh, that Sally Jones, she had a really great vagina." I'm pretty sure that the only reason that they remember your body parts is because of something bad. I don't want them to say, "Oh, yeah, she had that really strange bump," or anything like that. I'd like to be as non-descript as possible. Same goes with my cervical issues here - I want my cervix to be unmemorable. I don't like that it was "really short" during the surgery. I hope that the rest of our appointments serve to be totally blase for all involved.
Monday, January 25, 2010
28 weeks and 6 days - Little Updates
A smattering of updates...
So, I've developed an interesting symptom the last several days. I have little red dots (not bumps, just dots like when they use the blood pressure cuff too tightly) covering my entire body (other than my face). I called the nurse's hotline yesterday, and she said to call my peri. The other dr was on call, so I updated him about the situation. I let him know about the morphine reaction, what they look like, etc. He said that, if I'm not running a fever, that we could probably watch it until my appt tomorrow. I normally run around 97.8 or so, but have been between 98.4 and 98.8 - I figure that probably doesn't count as a fever to anyone, so I'm just playing connect the dots currently and waiting patiently for tomorrow. Every cramp and all of the pressure (which is pretty constant) kind of send me into a tizzy, but I'm just trying to be calm.
I guess I had forgotten to say much about the actual surgery. Obviously I had wanted general, and could still have done it, but they strongly advised spinal for the pain management. So, I was awake during the surgery (and that's when I heard the doctor tell me how short the cervix was, and I kind of silently freaked). What I forgot to mention was all of the talk of venison during my procedure. "Did she say 'venison,'" you ask? Yes. Deer meat. The anesthesiologist sat in on the procedure to watch my vitals, and started talking about how he'd been hunting and needed to pick up the meat, which launched a discussion of all of the uses of deer meat (in which I actually tried to take part). I guess the good part of this is that he was not on the business end when he had this discussion - I don't know that I would have wanted him to be looking anywhere at me and have venison be the first thing that comes to mind. I am willing to bet I have one of the only cerclage stories ever that involves discussing venison, however.
I told my mom yesterday. It ended pretty much exactly how I thought it would. I hate being right sometimes.
I turned 31 yesterday. I have such an amazing husband - he ordered me a new (purple!) laptop, brought me some roses, and got me a big chocolate cake, in addition to waiting on me. He is just so very kind and thoughtful.
My check-up is tomorrow morning at 8:30 CST. I hope to get some answers and insight at that time, but I know at this point that all we can do is wait. I don't like that my outer cervical length is so short, even though the inside is great - I actually feel more scared about everything than I did before the surgery, which is the opposite of what I wanted to happen. Sorry - just having a hard time with not worrying.
I'm missing Maddie a lot today. I just wish I could have all of my babies here with me.
So, I've developed an interesting symptom the last several days. I have little red dots (not bumps, just dots like when they use the blood pressure cuff too tightly) covering my entire body (other than my face). I called the nurse's hotline yesterday, and she said to call my peri. The other dr was on call, so I updated him about the situation. I let him know about the morphine reaction, what they look like, etc. He said that, if I'm not running a fever, that we could probably watch it until my appt tomorrow. I normally run around 97.8 or so, but have been between 98.4 and 98.8 - I figure that probably doesn't count as a fever to anyone, so I'm just playing connect the dots currently and waiting patiently for tomorrow. Every cramp and all of the pressure (which is pretty constant) kind of send me into a tizzy, but I'm just trying to be calm.
I guess I had forgotten to say much about the actual surgery. Obviously I had wanted general, and could still have done it, but they strongly advised spinal for the pain management. So, I was awake during the surgery (and that's when I heard the doctor tell me how short the cervix was, and I kind of silently freaked). What I forgot to mention was all of the talk of venison during my procedure. "Did she say 'venison,'" you ask? Yes. Deer meat. The anesthesiologist sat in on the procedure to watch my vitals, and started talking about how he'd been hunting and needed to pick up the meat, which launched a discussion of all of the uses of deer meat (in which I actually tried to take part). I guess the good part of this is that he was not on the business end when he had this discussion - I don't know that I would have wanted him to be looking anywhere at me and have venison be the first thing that comes to mind. I am willing to bet I have one of the only cerclage stories ever that involves discussing venison, however.
I told my mom yesterday. It ended pretty much exactly how I thought it would. I hate being right sometimes.
I turned 31 yesterday. I have such an amazing husband - he ordered me a new (purple!) laptop, brought me some roses, and got me a big chocolate cake, in addition to waiting on me. He is just so very kind and thoughtful.
My check-up is tomorrow morning at 8:30 CST. I hope to get some answers and insight at that time, but I know at this point that all we can do is wait. I don't like that my outer cervical length is so short, even though the inside is great - I actually feel more scared about everything than I did before the surgery, which is the opposite of what I wanted to happen. Sorry - just having a hard time with not worrying.
I'm missing Maddie a lot today. I just wish I could have all of my babies here with me.
Friday, January 22, 2010
28 weeks and 3 days - Telling
We had originally planned to tell my mom and her parents this weekend at my birthday dinner on Sunday. However, since I'm on bedrest through at least Tuesday, this is obviously not going to happen. I considered sending an e-mail to them that announced the pregnancy and listed the pretty firm boundaries that I need to set, but I don't think that's a good idea - I'm still not getting to tell everyone at the same time, and I don't think they'll read far enough to understand my boundaries. So, we've decided to postpone the dinner and tell them at that time.
Honestly, at this point, I'm also kind of just stalling. I keep thinking about telling those three, and am not filled with elation - I'm dreading telling them, because I think it will increase my stress and decrease the control I have. That to me says a lot, that I'm actually dreading this interaction that should be joyous. That isn't good, and it isn't fair to the baby.
Today's better recovery-wise. I don't think there's really a day when you say, "Wow, it sure felt/feels great to have my cervix sewn shut," but the pressure and everything is less. I'm trying to avoid the Percocet they gave me (I know it's safe for the baby or they wouldn't have given it to me, but still). I'm still worried about certain symptoms, but most things are slowing down.
Honestly, at this point, I'm also kind of just stalling. I keep thinking about telling those three, and am not filled with elation - I'm dreading telling them, because I think it will increase my stress and decrease the control I have. That to me says a lot, that I'm actually dreading this interaction that should be joyous. That isn't good, and it isn't fair to the baby.
Today's better recovery-wise. I don't think there's really a day when you say, "Wow, it sure felt/feels great to have my cervix sewn shut," but the pressure and everything is less. I'm trying to avoid the Percocet they gave me (I know it's safe for the baby or they wouldn't have given it to me, but still). I'm still worried about certain symptoms, but most things are slowing down.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
28 weeks and 2 days - Slowly, Slowly
Just a quick status check. Still on strict bedrest at least until my peri checkup on Tuesday morning. Luckily I'm allowed to work from home starting today, so it will keep me more entertained. My mother-in-law has been visiting since Sunday, which has been AMAZING - she's a moral support, and is such a help with all of the things I can't do (which is pretty much everything).
There have still been some things that worry me quite a bit. Without getting into any details, I'll just say that it's stuff that is pretty normal, but I panic. The baby was just so beautiful and active again on Tuesday when we had the ultrasound.
There have still been some things that worry me quite a bit. Without getting into any details, I'll just say that it's stuff that is pretty normal, but I panic. The baby was just so beautiful and active again on Tuesday when we had the ultrasound.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
28 weeks - Better Day
Just a quick update. Yesterday and last night were really rough. I was in a bit of pain from the cerclage (apparently the Shirodkar cerclage is considered major surgery, and that's why they kept me overnight), the short cervical length was FREAKING ME OUT, and I couldn't stop throwing up from the morphine.
This morning, however, went a lot better. The peri came in before we had our cervical length ultrasound, and we talked a bit. He's ordering complete bedrest through next Tuesday at least (when I see him again) - I'd been planning on going back to work this coming Thursday, but we're changing that. The ultrasound went fantstic - apparently I have almost no cervix on the outside of the uterus, but I measured between 4.5 and 5 cm total. It was a huge relief. Baby looked fantastic, was wiggling and measuring two days ahead, and so on.
I'm going to try and catch up on blogs, etc. - but I'm just beat!
This morning, however, went a lot better. The peri came in before we had our cervical length ultrasound, and we talked a bit. He's ordering complete bedrest through next Tuesday at least (when I see him again) - I'd been planning on going back to work this coming Thursday, but we're changing that. The ultrasound went fantstic - apparently I have almost no cervix on the outside of the uterus, but I measured between 4.5 and 5 cm total. It was a huge relief. Baby looked fantastic, was wiggling and measuring two days ahead, and so on.
I'm going to try and catch up on blogs, etc. - but I'm just beat!
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