When you’re going through infertility, you become acutely aware of The Mothers. I don’t mean to say of just people who are mothers – that’s apparently now approximately 187% of women over the age of 12 or something. The Mothers are the people who bring every freaking conversation back around to their child, regardless of their audience and how inappropriate it might be.
“Hey, how’s the weather?” “Oh, Julie just loves the sun. She was outside the other day in this cute little romper I got her…”
“Do you happen to know the name of a good plumber?” “Oh, I have the best guy. When Jimmy threw his GI Joe down the toilet, this guy came over. Oh, that Jimmy. Did I ever tell you about the time…”
This goes ahead and gets ramped up by about 1000 when you become a mother whose baby is gone. I think the reason that I bring this up today is because of my ex-stepsister (that sounds so very Cinderella-y – my biological dad married and divorced her mom, much simpler than it sounds). She’s several years younger than me, and accidentally got pregnant about three years ago. Now she’s pregnant again, also on accident – and bemoans daily how she’s “just going to have to deal with this.” Let me be honest – I understand that this isn’t her “right time,” but I fail to have a ton of sympathy. She knows how babies are made. There are approximately 30 different ways I can name offhand that you can prevent it from happening (especially twice). I think she could also be much more aware of her audience. I may not be the target demographic for this particular spiel.
However – it isn’t worth getting up in arms about this and giving her a whole “these are my needs” speech. I get frustrated when all others talk about to me is their child/children, and I don’t want to be the woman who keeps bringing up her trauma. It doesn’t do any good to be confrontational and to tell her off – all that does is suck me into a whirlwind of drama that I don’t need in my life. I don’t need to be worried about this crap.
Instead, I’ve been taking the Heathcliff Huxtable approach lately. I’m a huge fan of “The Cosby Show” (yeah, I said it). There is an episode from the first season or two where Cliff is trying to teach Elvin how to get along better with Sondra. He shows him that, when things are getting heated – just back off (does this little hands-in-the-air motion). Extricate yourself from the situation. It takes a lot more energy to go into it, and it can create bad blood later – for now, I’m just going to put my hands in the air and back away. There may be a better time in the future, there may not.
Physically - 7 Mentally – 8.5
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
Monday, September 28, 2009
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6 comments:
Ugh, that has to be so annoying. When I hear about stuff like this, it makes me very glad I'm not at work or around any other people right now.
It sounds like your approach is the most mentally healthy for you. Anytime you need to vent though, please let us know. I would gladly give you my email and let you take it out on me. :)
I was really lucky that I just started back to work full time last week. I still wasn't "ready" for it, but it's easier for me now to just back away from this stuff.
Heather, you're just awesome - and the same offer goes my direction! :)
Your ex-stepsister sounds like my brother and his girlfriend. They accidentally got pregnant and it was pretty grueling to hear how this wasnt the bed news, how they were going to have to deal, etc. I dont have patience for that. As you said, you know how babies are made- it isnt like this hit you from out of left field.
I'm so glad I'm not alone in feeling that way, Michele. You just kind of shake your head and think, "Are you really THAT surprised that this was a possibility? If you weren't prepared for it, you should have taken preventative measures."
Oh Angie, *hugs* I would just want to shake some sense out of her LOL. I think your approach is the best for you now. I know myself I would have to adopt a similar approach as I find it much easier to be around people these days that don't have kids at all. They seem much more sympathetic to my feelings then those who don't ironically enough LOL. If you need to vent I am here. I have group tonight, but will be home by 9:30-10 my time. :)
Thank you so much, Jess. :) You're awesome. You're right, it's just a matter of doing what's right for us - and I just don't want to get into it all right now. It's too much work.
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