Preface – it’s not a great day for some arbitrary reason.
I used to be kind of funny. My husband (who loves to tease mercilessly) would joke that I’m not “funny ‘ha-ha,’ but funny ‘oh.’” Essentially, he was saying that I’ve just always been goofy.
I feel like I kind of lost “the funny.” I think it’s natural and normal – I am going to change as part of this loss. I need and want to change as part of this – that’s one of Maddie’s gifts to me. We have all endured fundamentally life-altering losses here. I just feel guilty that, while it is unspoken, I can tell people kind of look for the old me, and she’s not there. There is a melancholy now that hovers high over us, almost out of others' sight, even if I try to make sure not to present my sadness to others very often. I think I’m in some ways getting used to the “new normal” that has encompassed my life, but I just feel a little guilty that others have to adjust in little ways, too.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally – 7.5
Emotionally - 4.5 Spiritually - 8
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
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8 comments:
Experiences like those you've gone through always come with change in ourselves. Over time, I think some of the old you will return, but you'll never be that person who doesn't know that pain. I hope you'll be able to regain some of your joy though. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Thank you, Lynn - you're right, parts of me are already back on some level, but I do think that we are just forever changed.
God bless, and thank you so much!
Angie, I think its impossible for us not to change, but I agree with Lynn. You will see some of the old you coming back. It may not be as quickly as you like, but she will return. You will never be 100% of your old self, but you will somewhat recognize the old you. *hugs*
I probably wasn't entirely clear about what I meant. I know that much of me is still the same, but the "old me" overall can't possibly come back. I can't look at things the same way. Perspective changes everything - that's not just true with this situation, but every life change. I can't be as carefree as I used to be - it isn't in me anymore.
Try not to feel guilty. Everything changes us on some level. After losing a child, none of us are ever the people we were. We never will be again.
I absolutely agree - there isn't any life experience that doesn't change us on SOME level. This is enormous, and so the change is proportionate.
I understand so well you mean. I think there are parts of me that have been changed by Madelyn, and those parts are forever changed. But the grief also affects us, and I hope that is temporary, because it's those changes I don't like.
I think that's a great way to put it - I don't like the grief changes. There are some things I want to do better, but I don't like those ones.
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