After I delivered Maddie, my OB said that I could wait for my first cycle and then try again naturally. I called my fertility doctor and asked him how we would go about moving towards the frozen embryo transfer - he said we'd wait for two cycles, then start be on birth control pills to start the process towards the FET. Since he doubted that I'd get my cycles naturally, he called in a prescription for Provera to induce the process. If I took an HPT and it was negative, I was to start the pills today.
Well, I woke up this morning around 5:50 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. I'd been taking my temps every morning and had never seen a spike. Even though I know they're not that helpful for people with severe PCOS, I had taken two weeks' worth of ovulation predictor kits - which had all been negative. I knew how the pregnancy test was going to turn out, but I just had this tiny, miniscule hope that maybe somehow the OPK's had been wrong, that I'd ovulated somehow and conceived.
Of course, the test was negative. I was a little sad - but then I thought about it, and knew I wasn't really sad for a negative test I had wholly expected. I'm sad because Monday will be two months since I lost my little girl, because I would be 30 weeks exactly today, because I want to still be pregnant with her. Yes, I want another baby - but I just want her so badly. Today and forever.
I'm not surprised that today is a bad day, with it being such a milestone of "what would have been" - but this is just a day, like every other day. Tomorrow we start again.
I love you, Maddie.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 3.5 Spiritually - 605
Saturday, September 05, 2009
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5 comments:
No matter how many times we get pregnant or how many children we have, I think we will always want the ones we lost too. I know that, for me, having more children wasnt meant to be a replacement for Nick and Sophie, and later Alex, but were because of the overwhelming love they inspired in us.
We tried 3 months after babies were born. The first time we had a m/c followed by a failed and then conceived (Alexander). The second time we had a m/c then conceived (Bobby & Maya). Our m/c were all within the first 6w, but they were so hard to endure in the face of our losses.
Sending you many hugs and lots of hope...
I don't think anyone except a mommy who has endured such a loss can understand that a new baby doesn't just make it better about the old one. There is no replacement. There's always more love and opportunity in our hearts for the next babies, but it's different.
I am just so sorry you've endured so much, Michele. I can't imagine it. I am so glad the twins are doing so well right now, and I pray for the best for you all.
Angie, I felt like I could have kinda written your blog today. As much as I want to be pregnant right now, I want to be pregnant with Jonathan just like you want to be pregnant with Maddie. What I try to remind myself is that Jonathan taught me the capacity I have to love a child and just because I love another child doesn't mean I will love him any less. You will always love Maddie just as much as any other living children. No living child will ever replace her. *hugs*
Thank you for having the courage to write this. Despite the fact that I love Briar with every ounce of my being and knowing how incredibly lucky I am to have her, I still can't help but feel just the tiniest bit resentful that she isn't Quinn . . . that she isn't the 1-year-old trying desperately to keep-up with her brother and sister.
Pregnancy and parenting after a loss are both incredibly difficult paths to travel - I feel like I am learning everyday how to do it (and on most days not really doing that well at it.) The only thing I know for certain is that I love Briar just as much as I love Quinn, and am thankful that Quinn gave us the gift of Briar. I don't think it is possible to not think about what you don't have and to wish to have it back.
Gentle hugs.
Jess - oh, thank you so very much. I truly appreciate that. It's hard, because I know that my love for Maddie showed me how much more love I have in the future for another baby - it's just so hard to see beyond today sometimes.
F&F - Thank you so much. That helps so much, to know that this is normal and that it exists even after you have a new child. I know this will never go away, so it helps so much to know that it's not abnormal... if that makes sense. I think it's so wonderful that you have integrated your love of Quinn into your life, and that you love her and Briar so fully. That's inspiring.
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