Holy cow.

I'm just speechless and moved.  My friend Jess (of HERE and HERE) sent us the sweetest gift today.  Jess was my first "loss friend" after Maddie was born - she reached out to me because our stories were so similar, and her heart is so big.  My husband picked up the mail, and opened the box... there were so many things in there that I can't list them all.  She put in the sweetest little blanket and night light from the bedding set we have (HERE), a bunch of safety items (like a fridge lock, outlet plugs, etc.), the cutest little outfit, and just so much more.  I am unendingly amazed and supported by this community and the people in it.  Thank you so, so much, Jess - I can't wait until we see Clover's gender, and get to start looking for stuff for you!

Ultrasound tomorrow - a full one this time!  I'll try and post some pictures afterwards.

30 weeks 1 day? Impossible!

Yesterday we turned 30 weeks!  That's a number with a 3 in front of it, thank you very much!  I couldn't be more excited, I don't think!

Not a ton new here.  I've finally begun taking the tags off of and we're washing some of the clothes, blankets, sheets, and so on that we've purchased and received.  I had a lot of girl clothes that we'd been given when I was pregnant with Maddie - it was really hard to go through those, but it was nice to be close to her in that way, and to know that the girls will share those things. 

29 weeks 5 days - checkup

Good appointment today, despite it being a manual cervical exam week (rather than an ultrasound week).  Looking forward to another full ultrasound next Tuesday, but today's appointment had lots of good info:

- I am measuring at 29 weeks still (same as last Thursday), but did gain two pounds.  This made them happy.  I asked how I was measuring on time if I look so small - I've just got a long torso, I guess, for someone roughly 5'1" or 5'2".  The doctor did tell me that he could tell me I look fat, though, if it would make me feel better.  :)

- I peed on my own hand for, like, the fifth week in a row.  At this point, it's all guesswork, and apparently I'm not good at it.  I'm kind of OCD, so luckily I can wash my hands twice and then use the hand sanitizer in my purse - but it still grosses me out.  I guess it's better than peeing on someone else's hand, though.

- Thanks to Jen's awesome recommendation, I'm going to get an Angelcare monitor.  I'd researched them a bit, but never heard a personal recommendation.  To anyone who has had one - we've already got a video monitor for sound/video monitoring, so can I get away with the regular Angelcare (LINK) instead of the Deluxe (LINK)?  It looks like the big difference is just the range of the device, and that the portable units do sound monitoring (which, again, we won't need).  I may be missing something, though.

I've been missing Maddie a lot over the past few days.  I know it's crazy, but I started wondering if it would be weird if we took her urn with us to the hospital when we go in.  I decided that, yes, it would probably be a weird - but more importantly, I don't think I'd feel safe taking her out of the house.  What if something happened to her?  It will kill me to be away from her for a few days, but JTD will be at home some every day to hold her.

Thieving

I stole this form below from a couple of other blm's - I admit it, I'm a thief.  Here goes, anyway!

How far along?  29 weeks 4 days


Maternity clothes?  Almost exclusively.  Since I'm at home about 99.9% of the time, I wear a lot of oversized shirts I own and maternity yoga pants, but I have preggo jeans and tops that I wear to the doctor and stuff.

Stretch marks?  So far, only down by my hips, where the swelling of my belly starts - and they're not that bad (knock on wood).

Sleep?  Ugh - not great, usually.  My OB has had me on Ambien since I had Maddie (it's safe for pregnancy), so I get a couple of hours right away, then get up to pee, then get a little bit more, then have to rotate due to really bad hip pain, maybe get another half hour, then get up to pee, then repeat the whole process.  I wake up really early, too.

Best moment this week?  In the past week, there were two.  One was seeing Baby A on the ultrasound - she's just so precious that it takes my breath away.  The second was on Saturday night, before Mother's Day - I took Maddie's urn and went up the stairs, as I do every night at bedtime.  I was putting her urn on the dresser where she sits at night, and found the card that my husband had left me.  I opened it up to the most sincere and sweet words I've ever read.  I was also so very touched to receive Mother's Day cards from my mother-in-law and the amazing Fishsticks & Fireflies.  (Have I mentioned that she's one of the sweetest people ever?)

Worst moment?  I don't want to even think about this, as it's not productive.  I'm sure it was during one of the many contractions when I was panicked that something was wrong.
Movement?  I'm not sure she ever stops when she's awake!  I do my kick counting, and she usually passes within about 3 min., sometimes up to 13 min. or so.  I think she probably moves somewhere between 20 - 40 times an hour (depending on the hour), and I love it!

Food cravings?  My cravings have slowed down a little bit.  I purposely eat a ton of fruit when I crave sweet things.  I would really like some fried dill pickles from a specific restaurant, and I keep going through a curry thing (JTD got me some about a week ago, which helped), but that's about it.

Gender?  This baby is definitely all girl, based off of all of the ultrasounds.  If not, we have a lot of pink stuff to return.

What I miss?  Just being active, and human interaction.  I miss it, but not so much that I'm willing to put Jota in any kind of danger for it.  (I obviously miss Maddie every moment, but I don't think this question is asking that.)

What I look forward to?  The obvious!  Having her here with us, being able to hold her and take care of her.  In the short term, I look forward to my OB appt tomorrow (just a manual cervical check), and then we get another full ultrasound next Tuesday!

Milestones:  Every day is a milestone!  I'm just so grateful that God, the doctors, and medicine have allowed us this opportunity.  I think about all of the medical marvels that have gone into this pregnancy - the intricacies of IVF and FET, the simplicity yet preciseness of the cerclage, the whole wonder that there is such a thing as a C-section.  This certainly hasn't been a "natural" pregnancy by any stretch of the imagination (in fact, I can't really imagine how we could have required more medical intervention), but every step is a gift.
Emotions:  Well, I'm terrified still by each contraction and cramp (and sad when each makes me think of Maddie), but it doesn't do any good to complain about it (other than putting others in an awkward spot when they're forced to give pity).  I am also filled with wonder at the blessings we've been given - I mean, I'll be 30 weeks on Saturday with our little miracle baby!  It's so amazing and shocking!  Every day this little girl gets bigger and stronger, and I'm just so blessed to be a part of that process.

Mother's Day and More

I realized that it's been forever since I last posted a belly pic (whether people want them or not), so I figured I'd do so.  The OB last week said that I need to gain more weight (I've only gained 6 lbs. since they started tracking around 13 weeks, but I'd already gained a bit before that).  However, I think I look like a house.  Just a note - um, you can't really tell where my ribs are to tell how big the belly really is, because my boobs hide where my ribcage is (sorry to my guy friends who read this).  Also, those are gaucho preggo pants, my legs aren't actually this wide.  Also, I don't really have a painting permanently attached to my butt.   Anyway, without further commentary:

29 weeks 1 day, yesterday

I hope that everyone had an amazing Mother's Day.  My husband is so incredibly sweet and thoughtful.  It was so special to be honored and remembered as a mother already, and one to-be again.  I know that he, of all people, could never forget - but just the fact that he took the time to remember it is so special.  I hope everyone had that.

Good Stuff

Good appointment today!  We had our 28w5d ultrasound, and everything is great.  Cervix is right around 2.95 to 3.05 cm, which is amazing.  I talked to the doctor, and he's confident it's because we went with the Shirodkar (which is kept so high up in the cervix).  I feel like we really made the right decision for us with opting for it over the McDonald (not that it's the right decision overall, just the right one for us).  Baby girl looks great, and we'll have another full ultrasound in two weeks. 

I was just realizing that it's May 6.  This is important to me for a couple of reasons:

• Tomorrow is Maddie's 10-month birthday.  Happy 10 months in Heaven, my sweet little angel.
• In about 12 days, it will be May 18.  That will be four months to the day after my cerclage (January 18) - I will officially have been on bedrest for four months.  That's insane, but I just think about how much I feel it's helped, and how I'll do anything to keep Jota safe.  I know I say that over and over, but it's true.

Unfortunately, my breastfeeding class for this coming Monday got cancelled (only three of us were signed up for it).  I signed up for the one on June 7 as a replacement, so that's good.

29 weeks coming up on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday!  Happy Mother's Day to all!

28 weeks 3 days

This past Saturday was the official start of the third trimester!  It was a very happy day - I just can't believe that we got here.  It's so reassuring to be at a point where the survivability rates are so high.  Obviously we don't want her to come anytime soon, but it just makes me feel so good to feel like she's going to come home with us. 

The following is a little bit of a rant - I'm just warning anyone who may want to not read it in advance, so that they can close out if needed.  And I know not to get upset about Facebook, as it's completely ridiculous, but it's just frustrating that it's one of the ways that people can invade my life who normally wouldn't be there.  I absolutely don't want to sound judgmental or at all self-righteous - just frustrated and determined.

Anyway - I decided to post a pregnancy-related Facebook status (which I try not to do all that often) celebrating the occasion.  We received a lot of congratulations, but I received a message from a woman who is about three weeks further along than I am (she's one of those people who friended me even though I only ever really talked to her for a grand total of about 20 minutes in high school).  She sent me a long message about how lucky I should realize I am, that she went through two years of trying to conceive (without any doctor intervention) and an early miscarriage, that I should realize what I've been given because of what she'd been through.  She had sent me something similar back when she first found out that we were pregnant, making sure that I knew how hard her journey had been. 

I have to admit - I thought for a fleeting second about taking the low road.  I thought about responding that we'd only been able to conceive via IVF after five years of trying, that I'd had both a previous miscarriage and the most devastating loss of my entire life when our little girl was stillborn, that I was enduring a lot of physical pain currently that I welcome with open arms if it means Jota's safe.  I would never, ever respond that, though - while she's a one-upper, I don't ever want to be that person.  I don't want to use my grief and life for dramatic effect, I don't need to prove what we've been through to anyone - it's not for anyone else to know.  Plus, who wants to win the "I've got a sadder story" award?!?  And, ultimately, the problem with one-upping is that someone can always one-up you.  I know of so many people, both in real life and through their stories online, who have endured so much - things that I can barely even fathom. 

I don't want to think we have it tough - I think this is the happiest time of my entire life, as I have an absolutely inspiring husband, an amazing little girl in Heaven who I know is safe, and a beautiful little girl who is thriving inside of me.  I obviously ache for Maddie to be here in my arms, but I also celebrate where she is, and that I know she's happier than I could ever have made her.  Our infertility and loss brought us here, and "here" is full of promise and hope.

So Sweet

I signed in to Facebook over lunch to see that the wonderful and sweet Jen (from HERE) had made this absolutely lovely photo for Maddie for International Babylost Mother's Day:

I'm just in love with this, and am so very grateful.  It's just so lovely and sweet.  Thinking of all of the other mothers who have lost their children.

Little Bits

Well, I just officially signed up for a class where I learn how to feed another human from my own chest.  Our Breastfeeding Class will be May 10 - I should be able to recline quite a bit, so it should be okay.  I'm a little disturbed that we're supposed to bring a doll if we can - I'm really hoping not to have to expose myself to strangers, but at least JTD will be there to be a human shield if necessary.

Some of our dear, dear friends are throwing us a couple's shower!  It's tentatively on June 12 - we're really excited.  I will (hopefully) be 34 weeks that very day, so it seemed like a good time to do it.  We're keeping it really small, but I'm so excited to get to celebrate Jota with others.

Little girl continues to kick my cervix quite a bit (I'm used to occasional ones, but this is a ton).  I'm debating going in to the doctor tomorrow if it doesn't stop.  It seems really rhythmic, so I guess it could be that she's hiccuping and bouncing on it?  I don't know - I feel like I'm super worried about this stuff and going to drive my OB crazy, but on the other hand.... I don't care, as long as she's safe.

Appointment yesterday

We were at 27 weeks and 2 days yesterday when I had my OB appointment.  No ultrasound this week, just a manual exam.  All was "long, closed, and tight."  I was measuring at 28 weeks, even though I somehow lost two pounds last week?  All of that good news hasn't necessarily stopped me from panicking today as she keeps kicking around/at/(hopefully not) in my cervix.  I was so glad and grateful for another fantastic appointment, though.

I was on the way home and saw a mother pushing a stroller.  I had such strong emotions in such a short time - I thought about how I pray and hope that we'll be able to push Jota around soon, but then thought about how I long to have that opportunity with Maddie.  So often I'll wake up in the morning and think about how I'd love to be getting her out of her bassinet and having her lie in bed with me for a little bit before getting ready - since I can't, I talk to her urn and try to let her know how very much I love her.  It's so hard - we only got to have her in our arms for such a brief time that sometimes it feels like I am crazy for longing to have her back there so much.

No Complaints

I try not to ever complain about this pregnancy.  I worry, I fret, I stew - but I try not to complain about this amazing, wonderful blessing.

The truth is, there are some things that are rough, in all honesty.  It's been 13 weeks and 4 days that I've been on bedrest/work restrictions.  My legs have throbbed since about 2 weeks after the cerclage.  My back feels horrible.  I still have a ton of pressure and pain in my cervix, and every single one of these Braxton Hicks contractons terrifies me.  I mourn Maddie, and am scared to be too excited for Jota.

However, then I think about some of the horrifying stories I've read, and how much worse than me people have it.  My story isn't really that unique, it won't be remembered in medical journals or circles - I have lots of physical and emotional stuff going on related to this pregnancy and Maddie, but there are women who have endured so much worse.  While my babies are remarkable, I really am not.  I don't mean that in a self-depricating way, or like I'm looking for compliments - it's true.  Thousands and thousands of women have done this, and that gives me hope.  That keeps me from wallowing in the "poor me" syndrome to which I could easily fall prey.

I will happily do all of this and so very, very much more to keep Jota safe.  I would give anything to have my family safe - I know that I can't do anything to bring Maddie back, but I can absolutely help Jota.  I will do it, and rejoice for the opportunity.

Counting My Blessings

I know I've written about him before, but I just wanted to write today about the amazing husband I have.


JTD comes from a family with lots of siblings, and family has always been an important part of his life. Many men with that kind of background would have been very hostile and angry at me for my infertility issues. However, he never said a word in anger over the last five years of struggling through everything. He's supported me through drugs and pills, through surgery and IUI. He's given me shots and gone to embarrassing appointments. When they had to postpone the embryo transfer and freeze our little ones after our IVF due to my severe ovarian hyperstimulation, he never said a word (even though we were both deeply disappointed) - he just held my hand while they drained fluid from me. He's been by my side and taken care of me through two frozen embryo transfers. When I've apologized to him for my body, he's said without pause that they were our issues, not mine.

When my body couldn't support Maddie last summer, he never said a word in bitterness or anger. Instead, he quietly put my emotional welfare and grief ahead of his own. While I was in the hospital, he came home without me even saying a word, and put away the positive pregnancy tests and belly cream I had in my bathroom, stored away the baby books I had strewn about. Even though he was in as much pain as I was, he wanted to protect me from these things when I was released from the L&D. To this day, he just holds me when I need to cry.

Now, it brings me so much joy to hear him say, "I was in A_____'s room last night looking at her crib, and..." It fills me with gratitude to see him talk to her and feel her kick. He waits on me hand and foot while I am stuck in the house, and doesn't complain. I have done some things in my past of which I am ashamed, but he truly inspires me to strive to be better.

Remembering Quinn

I hope to not make my dear friend uncomfortable, but I just wanted to write today to remember little Quinn, the beautiful daughter of Fishsticks & Fireflies, who is celebrating her second birthday in Heaven today.  I am sending so much love to you all.

26 weeks 2 days - Ultrasound

We had our 26w2d ultrasound and appointment today. 

First things first.  I have to imagine that it is, like, a billion times easier for guys to pee in a cup, yet somehow they never have to do it.  Not fair.

The important stuff, then.  I was a little worried about today's appointment, because I've been having a lot of pressure, and had 4 Braxton Hicks contractions in an hour last night (they stopped later, though).  However...  cervical length is still over 3 cm, with no funneling!  I can't believe it!  I asked about the BH contractions - he said to come in if they happen more than 6 times in an hour.  I also asked about the NICU at the local hospital - it's Level II with the capabilities of being Level III, they just don't have a full-time neonatologist on-staff (just during the day on consult).  However, there's a Level III that is only 30 minutes away - if anything happened with Jota (which is increasingly unlikely!), they would stabilize her and take her down to the Level III if needed.

Let's see, what else...  I downloaded an app on my iPod touch (which I rarely use) called "BabyBump" - it's got kick counters and contraction counters, which I love, as well as weekly photos of development.  Since I didn't feel like my homemade spreadsheet was cutting it, I love this so far.

We're still not telling anyone her name, but I will share her initials.  She's got the same initials that I do - "AKD."  I don't think I'm going to tell many (if anyone) in "real life" that, though.  :)

What Could Have Been

My husband and I both adore music. We were good friends before we started dating, and one of the things over which we found an incredible bond was music. When we got married, that was one of the big things we did as a couple (since he wasn't really interested much in flowers or colors) - we went through our music collections and compiled a huge play list of "accepted" songs for our DJ. (There were also a few songs that were unacceptable - my mom and I had a big fight over the fact that I adamantly refused to have a reception if the song "Butterfly Kisses" was anywhere near it.)


When we got pregnant with Maddie, we knew that we wanted to share music with her. We had songs that we connected to the pregnancy - the day that we found out that she was a little girl, this song ("Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright III) got stuck in our heads:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVam-fshUgw

I had my iPod playing today while doing a project for work, and that song came up. I immediately was reduced to tears, and it reminded me how broken I still am and always will be. It's amazing how you try and integrate your angel's life into yours in positive ways and to only take the good from the situation, from your baby's life - but something can bring so sharply into focus how much it still hurts, and always will to have lost her. The song accurately describes our feelings of hope for Baby Jota, but it is just inextricably tied to Maddie. I would give almost anything to be able to lose fights with her.

I want to focus on nothing but how happy Maddie is now (beyond what I could ever hope to give her), and how very much she changed my life for the better, but there are days when I think it's good to remember what could have been.

25 week 3 day appointment report

We had our 25w3d appointment today!  It started off with me drinking a butt-ton of fruit punch-flavored sugar junk for the gestational diabetes test.  While it didn't taste as bad as I expected, it definitely made me nauseous for about an hour or so.  The lab said that they would call me by 5 if results were bad and I needed the follow-up 3-hour test, or else they wouldn't call me at all if it was fine - I haven't heard back, so I'm taking no news to be good news!

It was not an ultrasound week, unfortunately (which is too bad, because I've been having a lot of pressure the last few days again).  The manual exam seemed great, though (still pressure, but no dilation), and my doctor answered my weekly litany of questions.  I put on two pounds in the last week after not gaining any for the two previous, but I went from measuring a week behind to being right on-target.  I like to think it's that Jota is getting bigger, and not just that I'm eating a ton.  :)  Next u/s is next Monday at 2:00 CDT.

Small Milestones

One thing that I've discovered about the process of being pregnant after a stillbirth is setting myself little attainable goals. I should preface this by explaining that I'm not a very patient person, and I'm pretty particular. During both the IVF/FET processes and during pregnancy, I research everything to the point of exhaustion, and then ask about a million questions of my health care providers (I take in a list on paper each time so that I don't forget anything). Anyway - the way that I have found to get through the five years of infertility, or now the long stretches of pregnancy, are to set myself little milestones that I can try and achieve frequently and (hopefully) easily.


25 weeks has brought a few things:

- First of all, it's a nice round number, it's the square of 5, it's like getting to the "big number" on a clock instead of being in the minutes between the 5-minute marks. When it's 12:34, you tend to just round it to 12:35 - I am on one of the "rounding" numbers. I like that, and find odd comfort in it.

- When we ordered our P17 shots, they first only sent us a batch of ten shots. Since we started them on at 16w1d, our last one of the first batch was yesterday at 25w1d. When I started thinking about three weeks ago about reordering, I kept wondering if it was wise, praying we'd actually get through the first batch. We've officially hit that milestone.

- I'm doing the 1-hour gestational diabetes test tomorrow at my OB appointment. While it's not like "yay, let's drink sugar syrup!" or anything, it's definitely, "yay, we got this far!" Plus, we'll have a manual exam (not an ultrasound week) - I've been having more pressure over the past couple of days, so I just like that we have an appointment tomorrow.

It's so weird that we're less than three weeks away from the not-so-little milestone of the third trimester!

Notes of All Sorts

Just a few notes:


- I first of all wanted to just express again how grateful I am for everyone's support.  It's so unique when you can talk about how much your baby means to you even when you can't see her everyday, and other people understand.  I know you all feel the same way - the community of those who have lost children is just amazing.  I've felt so close to Maddie the last few days, and so many of your comments and blogs have helped me truly enjoy that.

- 25 WEEKS TOMORROW!

- A HUGE thank you to Bree!  I opened up the mail (finally) the other day, and she had sent Baby Jota the absolute cutest little hair bow - pink with brown polka dots!  My camera batteries died so I can't get a picture, but it is just the absolute cutest thing!

- I am positive that my little Jota is going to be the first female kicker in the NFL.  Not only will she do away with gender stereotypes, but she's proven to my bladder and cervix that she's world-class.  I'm fairly sure that I watched her kick the covers off of my stomach last night while I was lying in bed. I couldn't be happier.

- My body is so weird with pregnancy.  If my feet get too hot, I get red, firey-hot hives on them? Who does that, honestly?  As long as it's okay for the little one, I'm fine with it - but it's just weird.  I say this as I'm breaking out like a 12-year-old boy and have veins bulging in my hands - pregnancy just does some weird stuff to your body.  If my body is any indication, the stories you hear/see on TV (like when Rachel was pregnant on "Friends") of people starting dating someone new when they're knocked up seems incredibly unlikely.  There's not a lot that looks particularly inviting on me right now... yet I feel so blessed and know that this is the most beautiful thing in the world.

- I have got a rock-star husband.  The reasons are too numerous to detail, but I just am so lucky.  One of the gifts Maddie gave us was to make us even closer than we were before, and I'm so blessed.

Happy 9 Month Birthday, Madeleine Rose

I'm thinking of you, my sweet little angel, today and everyday.

I hate time passing, as it often feels like it's harder to connect with her in some ways (I don't know if this makes sense).  I'm just so blessed to have her in my life, though.  I think about who I am versus who I was 9 months and 2 days ago, and it's just immeasurably different.  She's brought me closer to God again, made me more loving and generous, helped me to realize that I want to be better all of the time for the people around me.  It is absolutely true that the littlest footprint can still leave a great impression on our lives.

24 weeks 3 days - Weekly Appt

We had our 24w3d appointment today at the OB.  It went so well.  We did a cervical length ultrasound - still over 3 cm, still no funneling, still no dilation.  I couldn't be happier.  Baby Jota is sitting incredibly breech (which doesn't really matter, since the Shirodkar cerclage isn't coming out before delivery and so we'll be doing a C-section), and I watched her specifically and defiantly kick my cervix.  :) 

She didn't want to behave a ton for good profile or 3D shots, but she did stop for a few seconds to let us know that she's #1 (sorry for the blurriness - I had trouble getting a screen capture of this):