Preface – it’s not a great day for some arbitrary reason.
I used to be kind of funny. My husband (who loves to tease mercilessly) would joke that I’m not “funny ‘ha-ha,’ but funny ‘oh.’” Essentially, he was saying that I’ve just always been goofy.
I feel like I kind of lost “the funny.” I think it’s natural and normal – I am going to change as part of this loss. I need and want to change as part of this – that’s one of Maddie’s gifts to me. We have all endured fundamentally life-altering losses here. I just feel guilty that, while it is unspoken, I can tell people kind of look for the old me, and she’s not there. There is a melancholy now that hovers high over us, almost out of others' sight, even if I try to make sure not to present my sadness to others very often. I think I’m in some ways getting used to the “new normal” that has encompassed my life, but I just feel a little guilty that others have to adjust in little ways, too.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally – 7.5
Emotionally - 4.5 Spiritually - 8
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
12 weeks - Is It That Hard?
I probably only ask this because I don't drink - although I absolutely do not judge those who do, I don't "get" a lot of it. My question is this - is it really that hard not to drink for nine months in order to have a healthy baby? I personally didn't really need another reason to puke (my body was taking care of that 15+ times a day on its own), but isn't the sacrifice worth it? Is it so hard that daily updates are needed? More power to you, I guess...
Note: This post was made by a woman who would poke out her own eye to have her baby back, so she's probably just really overly sensitive.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally – 8
Emotionally - 6 Spiritually - 7.5
Note: This post was made by a woman who would poke out her own eye to have her baby back, so she's probably just really overly sensitive.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally – 8
Emotionally - 6 Spiritually - 7.5
Monday, September 28, 2009
11 weeks and 6 days - The Heathcliff Huxtable Approach
When you’re going through infertility, you become acutely aware of The Mothers. I don’t mean to say of just people who are mothers – that’s apparently now approximately 187% of women over the age of 12 or something. The Mothers are the people who bring every freaking conversation back around to their child, regardless of their audience and how inappropriate it might be.
“Hey, how’s the weather?” “Oh, Julie just loves the sun. She was outside the other day in this cute little romper I got her…”
“Do you happen to know the name of a good plumber?” “Oh, I have the best guy. When Jimmy threw his GI Joe down the toilet, this guy came over. Oh, that Jimmy. Did I ever tell you about the time…”
This goes ahead and gets ramped up by about 1000 when you become a mother whose baby is gone. I think the reason that I bring this up today is because of my ex-stepsister (that sounds so very Cinderella-y – my biological dad married and divorced her mom, much simpler than it sounds). She’s several years younger than me, and accidentally got pregnant about three years ago. Now she’s pregnant again, also on accident – and bemoans daily how she’s “just going to have to deal with this.” Let me be honest – I understand that this isn’t her “right time,” but I fail to have a ton of sympathy. She knows how babies are made. There are approximately 30 different ways I can name offhand that you can prevent it from happening (especially twice). I think she could also be much more aware of her audience. I may not be the target demographic for this particular spiel.
However – it isn’t worth getting up in arms about this and giving her a whole “these are my needs” speech. I get frustrated when all others talk about to me is their child/children, and I don’t want to be the woman who keeps bringing up her trauma. It doesn’t do any good to be confrontational and to tell her off – all that does is suck me into a whirlwind of drama that I don’t need in my life. I don’t need to be worried about this crap.
Instead, I’ve been taking the Heathcliff Huxtable approach lately. I’m a huge fan of “The Cosby Show” (yeah, I said it). There is an episode from the first season or two where Cliff is trying to teach Elvin how to get along better with Sondra. He shows him that, when things are getting heated – just back off (does this little hands-in-the-air motion). Extricate yourself from the situation. It takes a lot more energy to go into it, and it can create bad blood later – for now, I’m just going to put my hands in the air and back away. There may be a better time in the future, there may not.
Physically - 7 Mentally – 8.5
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
“Hey, how’s the weather?” “Oh, Julie just loves the sun. She was outside the other day in this cute little romper I got her…”
“Do you happen to know the name of a good plumber?” “Oh, I have the best guy. When Jimmy threw his GI Joe down the toilet, this guy came over. Oh, that Jimmy. Did I ever tell you about the time…”
This goes ahead and gets ramped up by about 1000 when you become a mother whose baby is gone. I think the reason that I bring this up today is because of my ex-stepsister (that sounds so very Cinderella-y – my biological dad married and divorced her mom, much simpler than it sounds). She’s several years younger than me, and accidentally got pregnant about three years ago. Now she’s pregnant again, also on accident – and bemoans daily how she’s “just going to have to deal with this.” Let me be honest – I understand that this isn’t her “right time,” but I fail to have a ton of sympathy. She knows how babies are made. There are approximately 30 different ways I can name offhand that you can prevent it from happening (especially twice). I think she could also be much more aware of her audience. I may not be the target demographic for this particular spiel.
However – it isn’t worth getting up in arms about this and giving her a whole “these are my needs” speech. I get frustrated when all others talk about to me is their child/children, and I don’t want to be the woman who keeps bringing up her trauma. It doesn’t do any good to be confrontational and to tell her off – all that does is suck me into a whirlwind of drama that I don’t need in my life. I don’t need to be worried about this crap.
Instead, I’ve been taking the Heathcliff Huxtable approach lately. I’m a huge fan of “The Cosby Show” (yeah, I said it). There is an episode from the first season or two where Cliff is trying to teach Elvin how to get along better with Sondra. He shows him that, when things are getting heated – just back off (does this little hands-in-the-air motion). Extricate yourself from the situation. It takes a lot more energy to go into it, and it can create bad blood later – for now, I’m just going to put my hands in the air and back away. There may be a better time in the future, there may not.
Physically - 7 Mentally – 8.5
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
Friday, September 25, 2009
11 weeks and 3 days - Eyes Wide Open
I had a dream last night. In the dream, I was nursing. But, at the same time, I knew Maddie was gone, that I couldn't ever nurse her.
I keep thinking about beginning the whole FET process again, and I am absolutely terrified. I will admit it. I remember the early days of trying, back when I had all of this hope that it could be easy, not knowing the intense wanting and hurt that was possible. That's when I realized how very sobering all of this is, how we have unique understandings of reality that most people never do. When you go through IVF and FET's, when you go to such extreme measures to even have the hope of a child, you realize the stark reality that every child is a miracle, and that you may not get to experience that miracle. When you have experienced the loss of your child, when you've held that little one in your arms, you understand that getting pregnant doesn't automatically mean that everything is going to be okay; nor does making it to 13 weeks, 18 weeks, 20 weeks.
Almost all young women just naturally assume that they can get pregnant when they first try, and that their babies will live to old age. I pray every night not only just to be able to conceive a baby, but desparately pray that she or he lives past birth. This is something you usually take for granted, not something that you have difficulty imagining is even possible. I think the "upside" of this (not really the correct word, but it's what I've got) is that you now cherish everything you have. I appreciate my husband even more than I did before, and my family. I feel so blessed to have had those months with Maddie, to be able to see that she is the most beautiful child ever created. If we are able to get pregnant again, it will mean so much more even than it did before (and I already cherished every second because of how hard it was to get pregnant). I just wish I could have Maddie.
Physically - 5 Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 4.5 Spiritually - 7
I keep thinking about beginning the whole FET process again, and I am absolutely terrified. I will admit it. I remember the early days of trying, back when I had all of this hope that it could be easy, not knowing the intense wanting and hurt that was possible. That's when I realized how very sobering all of this is, how we have unique understandings of reality that most people never do. When you go through IVF and FET's, when you go to such extreme measures to even have the hope of a child, you realize the stark reality that every child is a miracle, and that you may not get to experience that miracle. When you have experienced the loss of your child, when you've held that little one in your arms, you understand that getting pregnant doesn't automatically mean that everything is going to be okay; nor does making it to 13 weeks, 18 weeks, 20 weeks.
Almost all young women just naturally assume that they can get pregnant when they first try, and that their babies will live to old age. I pray every night not only just to be able to conceive a baby, but desparately pray that she or he lives past birth. This is something you usually take for granted, not something that you have difficulty imagining is even possible. I think the "upside" of this (not really the correct word, but it's what I've got) is that you now cherish everything you have. I appreciate my husband even more than I did before, and my family. I feel so blessed to have had those months with Maddie, to be able to see that she is the most beautiful child ever created. If we are able to get pregnant again, it will mean so much more even than it did before (and I already cherished every second because of how hard it was to get pregnant). I just wish I could have Maddie.
Physically - 5 Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 4.5 Spiritually - 7
Thursday, September 24, 2009
11 weeks and 2 days - Ridiculous
I am trying to be an adult and just stay out of the situation with my parents' divorce. I have not made a big deal out of the fact that my mom stopped speaking to me two weeks ago when I told her that I disagreed with her decision (despite the fact that she essentially abandoned me while I'm still intensely grieving).
However, I was greviously disappointed yesterday when the first correspondence since then that I received was an e-mail (a forum which is in itself insulting) attempting to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her. I am not going to allow this to happen. I am not going to get pulled into this drama. It doesn't help my grieving process or my process of preparing for the future. Anger is wasted energy. And, in all honesty, if you feed crazy, it grows. I'm just not getting involved. I can love my mother and still not want to get anywhere near this situation.
Physically - 5.5 Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 3.5 Spiritually - 8
However, I was greviously disappointed yesterday when the first correspondence since then that I received was an e-mail (a forum which is in itself insulting) attempting to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her. I am not going to allow this to happen. I am not going to get pulled into this drama. It doesn't help my grieving process or my process of preparing for the future. Anger is wasted energy. And, in all honesty, if you feed crazy, it grows. I'm just not getting involved. I can love my mother and still not want to get anywhere near this situation.
Physically - 5.5 Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 3.5 Spiritually - 8
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
11 weeks and 1 day - Awkward
So, I just received a call. When I was about 18 weeks pregnant, my OB’s office had signed me up for this “Healthy Futures” program that a local organization provides for all pregnant women. It’s a really neat program – a nurse calls you to discuss diet and health, as well as preparing you for the delivery process. It is not affiliated directly with the OB or hospital; it’s just a service.
I had received a letter a few weeks ago from the program that a nurse would be calling me soon. I figured out at that time that they hadn’t been contacted by anyone to take me off of the list – I just didn’t have the energy to call them and get them to remove me. I’d be 32 weeks and 4 days today – I guess they must call when you are 32 weeks along, because I just got the call on my cell phone. This wonderfully, cruelly chipper woman called and introduced herself and the program. When I could get a word in, I could only utter the words, “Our baby was stillborn.” She was so kind about apologizing, and then got the heck off the phone.
I don’t know why this got to me so much. Maybe because I was at work and it kind of blindsided me?
Physically - 4.5 Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 5.5 Spiritually - 8
I had received a letter a few weeks ago from the program that a nurse would be calling me soon. I figured out at that time that they hadn’t been contacted by anyone to take me off of the list – I just didn’t have the energy to call them and get them to remove me. I’d be 32 weeks and 4 days today – I guess they must call when you are 32 weeks along, because I just got the call on my cell phone. This wonderfully, cruelly chipper woman called and introduced herself and the program. When I could get a word in, I could only utter the words, “Our baby was stillborn.” She was so kind about apologizing, and then got the heck off the phone.
I don’t know why this got to me so much. Maybe because I was at work and it kind of blindsided me?
Physically - 4.5 Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 5.5 Spiritually - 8
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
11 weeks - Cautious Optimism
I’m not really sure where I’m at today. I don’t have any grand theme about which I want to blog. Today just kind of is.
I kind of feel like I’ve got one foot (well, maybe 1 ¾ feet) in grieving Maddie, and the other foot (or ¼ of a foot) preparing for the possibility of the FET. I want to be present and hopeful for that. I need to give that process everything that it requires – all of the attention, hope, and care that anticipating a new child requires. That isn’t necessarily easy, but the two can coexist. I just need to learn how to let myself experience both, and recognize that what happened to Maddie doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen again if we get pregnant. There is hope, and that’s a good thing (even with as frightening as it is to let ourselves feel).
Physically - 3 Mentally - 8.5
Emotionally - 7 Spiritually - 8.5
I kind of feel like I’ve got one foot (well, maybe 1 ¾ feet) in grieving Maddie, and the other foot (or ¼ of a foot) preparing for the possibility of the FET. I want to be present and hopeful for that. I need to give that process everything that it requires – all of the attention, hope, and care that anticipating a new child requires. That isn’t necessarily easy, but the two can coexist. I just need to learn how to let myself experience both, and recognize that what happened to Maddie doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen again if we get pregnant. There is hope, and that’s a good thing (even with as frightening as it is to let ourselves feel).
Physically - 3 Mentally - 8.5
Emotionally - 7 Spiritually - 8.5
Monday, September 21, 2009
10 weeks and 6 days - Unable
Since I can't say this in person, I need to say this here:
To my friend. I understand that you're upset about so-and-so saying blah blah blah to whomever about whatever. I know that I have listened to you talk a thousand times talk about this. But, I'll be honest with you. I don't care. I really don't. On The Giant List of Things I Care About, this clocks in somewhere around the 9 millions.
I'm not bitter or angry; I'm honestly glad that this is the biggest concern you have right now. That's a blessing, as much as it may not seem like it to you (and I truly don't want to minimize it). However, I still don't have the capacity to care right now. Right now I'm dealing with my parents breaking up. I'm trying to decide what to do with the frozen embryo transfer. I'm intensely grieving the loss of my daughter. I have a friend who is going through a horrible time in his marriage, and another who is struggling with personal issues. These are huge concerns to me, and I honestly just don't have it in me to give attention to this right now.
I hate that I can't be what you need - I am trying to be more giving and Christian, more generous for Maddie. I am still and will always be your friend, which is why I don't say this to you. However, please understand that I just truly cannot give this the attention that you deserve and want. My perspective on these things has changed so much, and this is not your fault. It's mine.
To my friend. I understand that you're upset about so-and-so saying blah blah blah to whomever about whatever. I know that I have listened to you talk a thousand times talk about this. But, I'll be honest with you. I don't care. I really don't. On The Giant List of Things I Care About, this clocks in somewhere around the 9 millions.
I'm not bitter or angry; I'm honestly glad that this is the biggest concern you have right now. That's a blessing, as much as it may not seem like it to you (and I truly don't want to minimize it). However, I still don't have the capacity to care right now. Right now I'm dealing with my parents breaking up. I'm trying to decide what to do with the frozen embryo transfer. I'm intensely grieving the loss of my daughter. I have a friend who is going through a horrible time in his marriage, and another who is struggling with personal issues. These are huge concerns to me, and I honestly just don't have it in me to give attention to this right now.
I hate that I can't be what you need - I am trying to be more giving and Christian, more generous for Maddie. I am still and will always be your friend, which is why I don't say this to you. However, please understand that I just truly cannot give this the attention that you deserve and want. My perspective on these things has changed so much, and this is not your fault. It's mine.
Friday, September 18, 2009
10 weeks and 3 days - Where's the manual?
It's amazing how unique each day and feeling still seems when it's really all part of the same grief. I logically know that there is no order for grief, and that it's unique for every person, but I keep wondering how we're supposed to know how to do this? Where is the manual that says, "You're going to feel this way 6 weeks after your baby has died," "8 weeks after," etc.? Where is the book that tells us what the right thing to do is, and how to make this better? Where is the chapter that tells you when you're okay to try again?
I find that I have a lot of trouble actually saying the words "Maddie died." It's just two words, it should be so simple - but instead I say things like, "She's in Heaven," or "She passed on." There is too much harsh reality in those two words.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 7
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
I find that I have a lot of trouble actually saying the words "Maddie died." It's just two words, it should be so simple - but instead I say things like, "She's in Heaven," or "She passed on." There is too much harsh reality in those two words.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 7
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
Thursday, September 17, 2009
10 weeks and 2 days - Paralyzed
Today is one of those days when I feel paralyzed by grief and fear. I'm so afraid of going forward (especially with all of the uncertainty in our lives right now), but it's impossible to go back.
I hate that it takes something like this summer to make me realize how very happy I was before everything started. I wish I'd known and been able to fully be grateful for every moment I had before all of this took over my life. Maddie doesn't deserve to be a source of pain.
Physically - 5 Mentally - 3
Emotionally - 2 Spiritually - 4
I hate that it takes something like this summer to make me realize how very happy I was before everything started. I wish I'd known and been able to fully be grateful for every moment I had before all of this took over my life. Maddie doesn't deserve to be a source of pain.
Physically - 5 Mentally - 3
Emotionally - 2 Spiritually - 4
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
10 weeks and 1 day - Day 1
Sometimes I'm not incredibly eloquent. I don't know the best way to describe all of this, so I'll just say what comes to mind:
Holy crap.
It has, to say the least, been an "eventful" summer. Job loss in our household, the incredible loss of Maddie, and now my parents are divorcing. Despite all of this, my husband and I have three embryos frozen, and decided that we're going to do the FET as soon as possible (the fertility dr wanted to wait two cycles after our loss). I've been taking some Provera to accomplish this, since my PCOS is pretty severe and I never would get to two cycles on my own.
Well, to make an emotional week even bigger, today is Day 1 of the second cycle. I'll get my official calendar tomorrow or Friday, but we've tentatively got a Plan. (I need to capitalize "Plan" because that's how I operate - I need a goal, I need a next step, I need something tangible.) It's exciting and terrifying and sad - Maddie was due November 14. It's so hard to know if I'm ready to do this again in a few months - and if I'm ready for whatever the outcome will be.
We're going to keep this a lot closer to the vest this time. I think that there are only a few friends/family who we'll tell this time as we go through the process. It's just too hard - and I think that I need to only involve people who can support me as I need, who know that this baby (if it happens) will never be a replacement for Maddie.
This is totally off-topic, but I am in constant awe of what I have. My dear friends, the LFCA community, certain family members - it's been so incredible to have support that is watching out for me without me even asking. I'm so very touched.
Holy crap.
It has, to say the least, been an "eventful" summer. Job loss in our household, the incredible loss of Maddie, and now my parents are divorcing. Despite all of this, my husband and I have three embryos frozen, and decided that we're going to do the FET as soon as possible (the fertility dr wanted to wait two cycles after our loss). I've been taking some Provera to accomplish this, since my PCOS is pretty severe and I never would get to two cycles on my own.
Well, to make an emotional week even bigger, today is Day 1 of the second cycle. I'll get my official calendar tomorrow or Friday, but we've tentatively got a Plan. (I need to capitalize "Plan" because that's how I operate - I need a goal, I need a next step, I need something tangible.) It's exciting and terrifying and sad - Maddie was due November 14. It's so hard to know if I'm ready to do this again in a few months - and if I'm ready for whatever the outcome will be.
We're going to keep this a lot closer to the vest this time. I think that there are only a few friends/family who we'll tell this time as we go through the process. It's just too hard - and I think that I need to only involve people who can support me as I need, who know that this baby (if it happens) will never be a replacement for Maddie.
This is totally off-topic, but I am in constant awe of what I have. My dear friends, the LFCA community, certain family members - it's been so incredible to have support that is watching out for me without me even asking. I'm so very touched.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
10 weeks - Learning
It's so hard to believe it's been 10 weeks. It's so hard to believe that I was just holding her for the last time ten weeks and a half hour ago. It's so hard to believe that she's never going to be in my arms again.
I have said it over and over, but I am so grateful for the support I receive. I have realized so much in the past 10 weeks - what is important, and who is here for me. The people who read this blog, who call and write, who try and get me out of the house - those are my support. I have realized that some people, as integral as they are in my life, just can't be who I need them to be - that they are unable of being someone I can trust, someone who supports me without making everything about themselves. I'm learning, though, that this is okay - I just am learning what boundaries to set, and that I can't take care of everyone else right now. I'm learning that we truly are powerless over anything but our own actions. I am learning how to support others in a healthy way.
I realize that this entry is a bit frentic and is kind of a non-sequiter - I guess I also have realized that I don't have to make sense.
Physically - 6 Mentally - 4
Emotionally - 4 Spiritually - 6
I have said it over and over, but I am so grateful for the support I receive. I have realized so much in the past 10 weeks - what is important, and who is here for me. The people who read this blog, who call and write, who try and get me out of the house - those are my support. I have realized that some people, as integral as they are in my life, just can't be who I need them to be - that they are unable of being someone I can trust, someone who supports me without making everything about themselves. I'm learning, though, that this is okay - I just am learning what boundaries to set, and that I can't take care of everyone else right now. I'm learning that we truly are powerless over anything but our own actions. I am learning how to support others in a healthy way.
I realize that this entry is a bit frentic and is kind of a non-sequiter - I guess I also have realized that I don't have to make sense.
Physically - 6 Mentally - 4
Emotionally - 4 Spiritually - 6
Monday, September 14, 2009
9 weeks and 6 days - Seriously??
I have to admit it. I try to be positive. I try to see the sun through the rain. Right now, though, I'm just having a bad time.
My mom announced to me on Saturday that she's divorcing my dad. It wasn't a huge surprise, but it was a huge disappointment - for a lot of reasons.
This is about my dad, but I'm just having a day when it's hard to see that anything good can happen to my husband and I. If this were the first day of second grade and we had to write our papers asking "What did you do this summer," mine would read like this (in chronological order):
- Lost financial stability
- Lost our future when our dear baby died
- Lost my past and identity
I just need to think of the positive. I am just so worried about my dad that perspective is difficult. I question that there couldn't have been, I don't know, ANY possible better time to do this than two months after the family was put into a tailspin by the death of my daughter?
I apologize for how personal this blog is, and am not 100% comfortable with that. It just feels about 1,000x bigger because of the immense mourning for Maddie.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 2 Spiritually - 5.5
My mom announced to me on Saturday that she's divorcing my dad. It wasn't a huge surprise, but it was a huge disappointment - for a lot of reasons.
This is about my dad, but I'm just having a day when it's hard to see that anything good can happen to my husband and I. If this were the first day of second grade and we had to write our papers asking "What did you do this summer," mine would read like this (in chronological order):
- Lost financial stability
- Lost our future when our dear baby died
- Lost my past and identity
I just need to think of the positive. I am just so worried about my dad that perspective is difficult. I question that there couldn't have been, I don't know, ANY possible better time to do this than two months after the family was put into a tailspin by the death of my daughter?
I apologize for how personal this blog is, and am not 100% comfortable with that. It just feels about 1,000x bigger because of the immense mourning for Maddie.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 2 Spiritually - 5.5
Friday, September 11, 2009
9 weeks and 3 days - "Catastrophic"
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly called the DSM) is somewhat the "last word" on mental disorders and temporary conditions; everything from grief to depression to schizophrenia is quantified and qualified for diagnostic purposes.
The DSM has a scale of the Severity of Psychosocial Stressors. Anyone want to guess where the death of a child rates? In the highest, most severe category, called "catastrophic." (http://stroke.ahajournals.org/cgi/content/full/28/6/1123 ) The other items in the category are "suicide of a spouse, devastating natural disaster, and enduring circumstances such as captivity as a hostage or in a concentration camp."
Wow, that's kind of heavy stuff. So is what we endure with this, however. So, we try and fit together our lives around the platitudes that we have heard since childhood.
One of the ones that I've always heard throughout my bouts with cancer and other things is the good old, "God doesn't give us more than we can bear." I actually think that there are times when people can't handle what God has given them for any of a number of reasons - people are locked in mental institutions, they commit suicide. It may be mental illness, it may be that they're overwhelmed, it may be that we can't process how to use the tools God has given us to deal. I don't know. All I know is that this phrase isn't really helpful.
I actually think that I find more comfort and truth in this one: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." It's a little harsh, but it is true. As much as we hate that this is where we are, this does strengthen us. We are more prepared, we are more road-weary. We have survived the worst. We have been devastated and will never be the same - but we learn how to go on.
I have a callous relative who keeps telling me I "have to move on." She says that I can't think about Maddie, that I will only depress the people around me if I continue to think about her all of the time. I firmly disagree with that. Every day that I don't lie in bed all day with the covers over my head, I'm moving on. Every day that I get up and think about tomorrow, I'm moving on. My only responsibility right now is to be real - to myself and to Maddie.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 7
Emotionally - 5 Spiritually - 7.5
The DSM has a scale of the Severity of Psychosocial Stressors. Anyone want to guess where the death of a child rates? In the highest, most severe category, called "catastrophic." (http://stroke.ahajournals.org/cgi/content/full/28/6/1123 ) The other items in the category are "suicide of a spouse, devastating natural disaster, and enduring circumstances such as captivity as a hostage or in a concentration camp."
Wow, that's kind of heavy stuff. So is what we endure with this, however. So, we try and fit together our lives around the platitudes that we have heard since childhood.
One of the ones that I've always heard throughout my bouts with cancer and other things is the good old, "God doesn't give us more than we can bear." I actually think that there are times when people can't handle what God has given them for any of a number of reasons - people are locked in mental institutions, they commit suicide. It may be mental illness, it may be that they're overwhelmed, it may be that we can't process how to use the tools God has given us to deal. I don't know. All I know is that this phrase isn't really helpful.
I actually think that I find more comfort and truth in this one: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." It's a little harsh, but it is true. As much as we hate that this is where we are, this does strengthen us. We are more prepared, we are more road-weary. We have survived the worst. We have been devastated and will never be the same - but we learn how to go on.
I have a callous relative who keeps telling me I "have to move on." She says that I can't think about Maddie, that I will only depress the people around me if I continue to think about her all of the time. I firmly disagree with that. Every day that I don't lie in bed all day with the covers over my head, I'm moving on. Every day that I get up and think about tomorrow, I'm moving on. My only responsibility right now is to be real - to myself and to Maddie.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 7
Emotionally - 5 Spiritually - 7.5
Thursday, September 10, 2009
9 weeks 2 days - Forever
As the days go by, I realize over and over again that Maddie is gone forever. She's not coming back, I'm not going to get to watch her grow up.
Forever is a long time to live without your child.
I have found some passages by different authors, anthologized in the book A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies.
The first is the beginning of a poem by Sydney Lea, called "After Labor Day." She describes so perfectly in the second stanza how fresh and acute the pain is now, and always will be:
Your son is seven years dead.
"But it seems," I said, seeing your face
buckle in mid-conversation
as over the fields come winging the trebles
of children at holiday play -
I said, "But it seems like yesterday."
"No," you said,
"Like today."
The other is a single line from John Irving's novel The World According to Garp. I have never read the book or seen the movie, but this line describes so precisely how everything is measured "before" and "after":
"Ever since Walt died," wrote T.S. Garp, "my life has felt like an epilogue."
The only sentiment that I haven't seen expressed is this: In the precise moment that Maddie was born, she was both taken from me and given to me for forever.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 8
Emotionally - 4.5 Spiritually - 7
Forever is a long time to live without your child.
I have found some passages by different authors, anthologized in the book A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies.
The first is the beginning of a poem by Sydney Lea, called "After Labor Day." She describes so perfectly in the second stanza how fresh and acute the pain is now, and always will be:
Your son is seven years dead.
"But it seems," I said, seeing your face
buckle in mid-conversation
as over the fields come winging the trebles
of children at holiday play -
I said, "But it seems like yesterday."
"No," you said,
"Like today."
The other is a single line from John Irving's novel The World According to Garp. I have never read the book or seen the movie, but this line describes so precisely how everything is measured "before" and "after":
"Ever since Walt died," wrote T.S. Garp, "my life has felt like an epilogue."
The only sentiment that I haven't seen expressed is this: In the precise moment that Maddie was born, she was both taken from me and given to me for forever.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 8
Emotionally - 4.5 Spiritually - 7
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
9 weeks 1 day - Lullabies
One of the most special moments of my life, and one that I will never forget, was being alone in my hospital room with my Maddie, rocking her and singing her a lullaby. I will likely never share what lullaby it was or many details of that moment with anyone (other than my husband if he wants to hear it), but it's one of the most treasured moments of my entire life.
It made me think of some of the most common lullabies out there, however... and how terrifying they are when you actually listen to them. They seem so cruel to those of us who have lost our babies:
Hush little baby, don't say a word...
Any mother who has held her stillborn or deceased infant knows how the last thing you ever want is for your baby to never say a word. The delivery room is supposed to be loud, active, joyous - when your baby is born silent, the silence of that room echoes and pierces your soul. I can never wish it upon any parent that their baby doesn't say a word.
...[W]hen the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all.
This is such a horrible mental image - and it leaves me with such a sense of helplessness. It illustrates how we can't completely protect these little bundles - a feeling any mother who has lost her child knows all too well.
If God blesses me with another child, I want to make that child feel safe and secure in any way possible. I know that an infant isn't going to take these lyrics the way I do, but part of making the baby feel safe would be for me to also feel good.
Physically - 8 Mentally - 8.5
Emotionally - 7.5 Spiritually - 8
It made me think of some of the most common lullabies out there, however... and how terrifying they are when you actually listen to them. They seem so cruel to those of us who have lost our babies:
Hush little baby, don't say a word...
Any mother who has held her stillborn or deceased infant knows how the last thing you ever want is for your baby to never say a word. The delivery room is supposed to be loud, active, joyous - when your baby is born silent, the silence of that room echoes and pierces your soul. I can never wish it upon any parent that their baby doesn't say a word.
...[W]hen the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all.
This is such a horrible mental image - and it leaves me with such a sense of helplessness. It illustrates how we can't completely protect these little bundles - a feeling any mother who has lost her child knows all too well.
If God blesses me with another child, I want to make that child feel safe and secure in any way possible. I know that an infant isn't going to take these lyrics the way I do, but part of making the baby feel safe would be for me to also feel good.
Physically - 8 Mentally - 8.5
Emotionally - 7.5 Spiritually - 8
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
9 weeks - So Very Touched
I am just so incredibly touched and moved. Without me asking, without even knowing how anyone would think of us to remember, our little Maddie's two-month birthday was featured in a wonderful blog for infertility, baby loss, and so on:
http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/2009/09/445th-issue-of-lfca.html
I am so just unspeakably warmed by this. It helps me so much to know that Maddie is in others' thoughts and memories during this time. I am so very, very grateful.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally - 8
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/2009/09/445th-issue-of-lfca.html
I am so just unspeakably warmed by this. It helps me so much to know that Maddie is in others' thoughts and memories during this time. I am so very, very grateful.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally - 8
Emotionally - 6.5 Spiritually - 8
Monday, September 07, 2009
Sunday, September 06, 2009
8 weeks and 5 days - Dreams of Her
I have only had a few dreams since Maddie was born with her physically present in them. I feel her presence and my mind refers to her (for lack of a better description) often, but there have only been a few. I had one last night, so I thought that I'd describe the three of them - saving the one I find most symbolic for last.
The first one was about a week and a half after I delivered Maddie. My milk was in and painful - it was a horrible reminder that I wanted to be feeding her. In the dream, I was breastfeeding her, and we were so happy. It was a very simple dream, but it felt so wonderful to be taking care of her.
In last night's dream, she and I were visiting my biological father for some reason. (He has some previous problems.) In the dream, Maddie was about 4, and he tried to go after her to hurt her. I was able to protect her; after I got rid of him, I just hugged and hugged and hugged my little girl. I couldn't see much of her face, but she had blonde, curly hair, and was just so delicate and pretty. I was so proud to be able to protect her, since I have felt since delivering her like I wasn't able to do so.
The last dream was a few weeks ago. When my mom remarried, she, my brother, my stepfather (who has been a father to us), and I moved to a farm near a very small town. We were only there for a short time, but we used to have to travel a gravel road to get home. In my dream, first I was crying over Maddie. Then, I was transported to the gravel road. It had changed so much - it had been overgrown with grass and wildflowers. It was so difficult to travel, but it was just beautiful all at the same time. As I rode my bike along it, I saw a beautiful butterfly traveling with me. I know that life is now a much bumpier, more difficult road than it was before, but it's so much more beautiful for having my little butterfly. As silly and sentimental as that metaphor may sound, I'm just so very blessed for that girl.
--------
I hope that two of my friends who are in labor right now with their little boy have a sweet and wonderful experience. It's incredibly difficult for me to know that they're getting what I wanted - exactly two months ago at this very moment, I was in labor with Maddie. I truly hope and pray for their health and the health of their little girl, however.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 5.5 Spiritually - 6.5
The first one was about a week and a half after I delivered Maddie. My milk was in and painful - it was a horrible reminder that I wanted to be feeding her. In the dream, I was breastfeeding her, and we were so happy. It was a very simple dream, but it felt so wonderful to be taking care of her.
In last night's dream, she and I were visiting my biological father for some reason. (He has some previous problems.) In the dream, Maddie was about 4, and he tried to go after her to hurt her. I was able to protect her; after I got rid of him, I just hugged and hugged and hugged my little girl. I couldn't see much of her face, but she had blonde, curly hair, and was just so delicate and pretty. I was so proud to be able to protect her, since I have felt since delivering her like I wasn't able to do so.
The last dream was a few weeks ago. When my mom remarried, she, my brother, my stepfather (who has been a father to us), and I moved to a farm near a very small town. We were only there for a short time, but we used to have to travel a gravel road to get home. In my dream, first I was crying over Maddie. Then, I was transported to the gravel road. It had changed so much - it had been overgrown with grass and wildflowers. It was so difficult to travel, but it was just beautiful all at the same time. As I rode my bike along it, I saw a beautiful butterfly traveling with me. I know that life is now a much bumpier, more difficult road than it was before, but it's so much more beautiful for having my little butterfly. As silly and sentimental as that metaphor may sound, I'm just so very blessed for that girl.
--------
I hope that two of my friends who are in labor right now with their little boy have a sweet and wonderful experience. It's incredibly difficult for me to know that they're getting what I wanted - exactly two months ago at this very moment, I was in labor with Maddie. I truly hope and pray for their health and the health of their little girl, however.
Physically - 6.5 Mentally - 7.5
Emotionally - 5.5 Spiritually - 6.5
Saturday, September 05, 2009
8 weeks and 4 days - Expected Yet Unexpected
After I delivered Maddie, my OB said that I could wait for my first cycle and then try again naturally. I called my fertility doctor and asked him how we would go about moving towards the frozen embryo transfer - he said we'd wait for two cycles, then start be on birth control pills to start the process towards the FET. Since he doubted that I'd get my cycles naturally, he called in a prescription for Provera to induce the process. If I took an HPT and it was negative, I was to start the pills today.
Well, I woke up this morning around 5:50 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. I'd been taking my temps every morning and had never seen a spike. Even though I know they're not that helpful for people with severe PCOS, I had taken two weeks' worth of ovulation predictor kits - which had all been negative. I knew how the pregnancy test was going to turn out, but I just had this tiny, miniscule hope that maybe somehow the OPK's had been wrong, that I'd ovulated somehow and conceived.
Of course, the test was negative. I was a little sad - but then I thought about it, and knew I wasn't really sad for a negative test I had wholly expected. I'm sad because Monday will be two months since I lost my little girl, because I would be 30 weeks exactly today, because I want to still be pregnant with her. Yes, I want another baby - but I just want her so badly. Today and forever.
I'm not surprised that today is a bad day, with it being such a milestone of "what would have been" - but this is just a day, like every other day. Tomorrow we start again.
I love you, Maddie.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 3.5 Spiritually - 605
Well, I woke up this morning around 5:50 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. I'd been taking my temps every morning and had never seen a spike. Even though I know they're not that helpful for people with severe PCOS, I had taken two weeks' worth of ovulation predictor kits - which had all been negative. I knew how the pregnancy test was going to turn out, but I just had this tiny, miniscule hope that maybe somehow the OPK's had been wrong, that I'd ovulated somehow and conceived.
Of course, the test was negative. I was a little sad - but then I thought about it, and knew I wasn't really sad for a negative test I had wholly expected. I'm sad because Monday will be two months since I lost my little girl, because I would be 30 weeks exactly today, because I want to still be pregnant with her. Yes, I want another baby - but I just want her so badly. Today and forever.
I'm not surprised that today is a bad day, with it being such a milestone of "what would have been" - but this is just a day, like every other day. Tomorrow we start again.
I love you, Maddie.
Physically - 7.5 Mentally - 6.5
Emotionally - 3.5 Spiritually - 605
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